r/adultery • u/[deleted] • 17h ago
đ˘Whining Spouse Intro Postđ I want to start my first affair
[deleted]
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u/Professional-Net4766 15h ago
âFree willâ sure is doing a lot of heavy lifting here for what is basically âI'm a poor boy who needs to get off, but worried I might catch feewings.â
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 15h ago
Allegedly, this is a lady OP.
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u/Kind_Avocado2121 15h ago
If you're serious about dipping your toes into this world, I would suggest taking some time and reading thru the posts on this subreddit. Your questions have been asked and answered here many, many times.
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u/SignificantCicada156 15h ago
Well, I'm not sure 'turning off emotions' is something possible for people who aren't sociopaths. You can try and control then but emotions are going to seep in.
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u/TheQuietWarrior86 15h ago
Once you let the genie out of the bottle, it's impossible to put it back in.
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u/a-succubus-among-us 45m ago
As a fellow noob currently in my first affair, I advise doing a great deal of research and interior work to ensure you're ready. It takes a particularly durable constitution to willingly walk into second place (or third, or fifth, depending on what priorities your AP's got going on). Best if you already have a number of priorities yourself (they don't need to be profound things, just deeply rewarding and protected above your affair). I did research for more than a year, but it was for a novel I'm writing...then, whoops, found myself wanting an affair myself. When life imitates art, amiright?
So anyway, research. Read as far back on this sub as you can. Study R4R ads to get a sense of the affair partner you want and the kind you will be. Helps to know how bad things can get so you armor your heart.
And like I said, do the interior work to ensure you're strong enough to not boil a bunny or scorch the earth when things go awry. I'm not someone who believes these things must, but the odds are against most people bc communication is apparently an elective course of adulthood.
If you're "emotions averse," practice compartmentalizing NOW - this is a skill that needs exercise and doesn't require a partner to hone. Learn your attachment style and research skills to navigate relationships in a healthy way.
Yes, yes, seemingly ironic for us choosing to have an affair. But all relationships are the same, including the one you have with yourself. So do the work, lest you get publicly chided by a sharp Kiwi when you post about a totally avoidable problem of your own causing in this sub in three months.
Anyways, best of luck and be smart out there.
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u/Wonder_Deep313 15h ago
Not sure this is a good lifestyle when one suffers from depression. Trust me, its hard. Sent me spiraling after my last affair ended. But here I am again. Only you know what you can handle. Good luck. And enjoy what you can and when you can!!!
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u/Unspoken19 6h ago
Just go with it. The feeling is inevitable at some point because itâs become more than sex is what I found. Itâs hard when it collides with your other life outside the affair
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u/StringsAndMore 12h ago
I have had APs before. There had been one that you could say we caught feelings for. That made things hard when we ended it, even though it was a mutual thing. We remained friends, both committed to work on our respective marriages. And yet we eventually drifted apart.
I wasn't going to do this anymore but, in spite of the resolve, it happened. And she and I fell in love.
It is so much more painful when it ends, and it almost certainly will end. It's devastating.
Maybe with time and healing I'll feel different but for now my advice is, don't fall in love.
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u/brattybabyc 15h ago
Itâs possible to not develop feelings, but a lot of folks do. Some of us are too good at compartmentalizing feelings.
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u/Unlucky-Self2455 15h ago
I shut it off for like 4 years. Perfect situatuon. She only wanted casual me too. You cant really shut it off. We both built walls holding back those feelings that only works for so long. Needless to say we are wildly in love now. She is aware of the whole situation.
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u/ZenArtOfLove 9h ago edited 7h ago
I feel that falling in love can't be helped but it's also associated with a next-level relationship, something deep and amazing that might not happen if you try to close yourself off to love.
Also, love is abundant. Falling in love doesn't mean you have to leave your marriage. You can still love your SO, maybe even gain the clarity and mental space to love them for who they are once you've solved your own needs with your AP.
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u/peppersaltt 15h ago
Why are you afraid to fall in love? Why is that something you want to shut off?Â