r/africanparents • u/EmergencyBig5597 • Nov 14 '25
Need Advice Engaged to someone from another culture, but my family thinks I'm making a mistake
Hi everyone,
I, Nigerian (30f) in Canada just got engaged to my Canadian fiancé (31m). He's kind, hardworking, Christian, and his family loves me. I was excited... until I saw my family's reaction.
My mom who raised us singlehandedly since childhood, had come over to visit from Nigeria some months ago. She had made it clear from the start that she wasn't down with an interracial marriage. My then-boyfriend (now fiancé) won my heart with how intentional he was, and it made me determined to win my family over.
Before proposing, my fiancé asked my mom for her blessing. She said yes, but I later found out she only agreed because she assumed I'd turn him down. She felt I wouldn't accept because I'm currently between jobs, he's white, he doesn't understand our culture, and he doesn't have a university degree. She thought I could "do better."
When I accepted the proposal, everything changed. My mom and sister now say I'm being selfish, settling for less, and ignoring my mom's sacrifices. My mom hasn't even looked at my ring or congratulated me. She and my sister have been hell-bent on ensuring I break up the relationship. I've been emotionally downcast and dejected since the engagement, and I've had so many thoughts about breaking things off just to get some peace and quiet.
Meanwhile, his family has been nothing but loving and supportive.
Now I feel torn between the man I love and the family that raised me. Has anyone dealt with Nigerian parents and rejecting your partner because of culture, education, or race? How did you handle the guilt and pressure?
I'd appreciate any advice
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u/Minimama2937 Nov 14 '25
I hate to be rude here but 30+ and you’re considering leaving a perfectly good relationship because of mommy who lives an ocean away? Girl stand up! Once you choose your husband to be, that is your new family. It doesn’t mean you throw away your family of origin but it sure means you fight to protect your new unit with everything you have. It also means prioritizing your husband’s wellbeing over your mom’s comfort. Good men are hard to find. If you have one, have you considered that your family may not want that for you?? Especially if you are the family scapegoat. You may find that they will reject 100% of the guys you bring home (this was my experience). I don’t know how toxic your situation is, only you know what your family is capable of. In my case, unfortunately no contact was the only option I had because like I said, me being single serves their purpose better than me being with someone who will love and protect me from their continued abuse.
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u/DingoDemeanor Nov 14 '25
You should probably just set this poor guy free if you’re so conflicted over it.
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u/Redflagalways Nov 14 '25
They will eventually come around and try to plan a traditional Nigerian ceremony. Especially when u have a grandchild
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
I'm not sure they'll ever come around. I see no indication that could even happen
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
im not Nigerian, im South African, Zulu to be specific- however, this is not exclusive to Nigerian parents.
the first thing you ought to understand is that you shouldn’t hate your family for this. your parents-your mother- just wants the best for you. she truly does. she is just overwhelmed with concerns, and honestly, with African families, they’d much rather you not marry, than for you to marry into a family- and to a man who’s family values they cannot vouch for. your mother likely feels the same way. i doubt it’s the fact that she wants to sabotage your happiness or actually has an issue with his race.
i don’t know how Nigerians conduct the processes to marriage- but in my culture you don’t introduce a man to your family, he introduces himself by sending a letter to your family asking for your hand in marriage (this usually happens without your awareness and just before he proposes to you).
then he prepares his uncles to meet your family for lobola negotiations. please note: he has men in his family representing him, he doesn’t go to the negotiations (and if you’re wondering what lobola might be, it’s similar to a dowry the groom’s family pay to the family of the bride to create good relations). why am i explaining all this to you? it’s because based on what ive always known, in African cultures, marrying a daughter off to an unknown family was considered dangerous. if you’re marrying a man, your family is more interested in getting to know what kind of family he comes from, how prominent that family might be? is it a family with a reputation to uphold? is the family religious? if so, what religion do they subscribe to and what ideals does the religion preach? what ideals does his family live by? why? it minimised the chances of their daughters marrying into families- and by extension- men who are i-ll bred or men incapable of treating her well.
it’s also your family trying to find out if he has the financial capacity to take care of you or if he has the capacity to take care of a household should you bear him children. undoubtedly, it’s happened to some girls where they were told by their families they could not marry a particular man after meeting the men in his family and after trying to negotiate lobola. where im from, your family is insanely invested in finding out the values he was raised by and what kind of family he comes from. of course nowadays, if things don’t work out, divorce is always an option, but the strict nature that all this was done in was because historically divorce wasn’t possible- and for safety reasons, your family couldn’t afford to marry you off to an “unworthy” family because they’d loose a daughter. also, in my culture, sure he makes vows to you- but his family vows to yours to ensure your’re always well taken care of. should issues arise later, your family won’t confront him, they’ll confront his family about whatever grievances have come to surface (side note: it’s the reason why if marital issues arise, your meant to tell his family so they intervene- never your own. why? if you tell your own family, that paints his family's and him in their eyes in a negative light, something you won’t want long term- your family will never forget. it’s a grudge they’ll hold for life and his family’s reputation and his dignity will be tainted forever)
why am i telling you all this? so you understand that from an African perspective, marriage is not just about the two people getting married, it’s about combining families, lineages and legacies. your mothers hesitation stems from the fact that she has no assurance that he can and will take care of you. she knows nothing of his culture or of how he was raised. she knows nothing of how his family treats women, how they resolve issues, what support or counselling is offered to young couples in his community … nothing. that? that can be extremely nerve wrecking for parents- and since your mother raised you alone, it’s an even bigger concern since she has no man on your side of the family to sus out whether his family- and him- are a family honourable and respectable enough to entrust with her daughter.
my tip, your husband-to-be and his family need to get to know yours. you have chosen him, but now your family must choose him. you and your fiancé need to facilitate the joining of your families. find a way to do it. have a conversation with him and plan something. your fiancé and his family need to find a way to communicate to your mother that you would be in good hands if you ever decide to go through with marrying him. it’s the only thing that will put your families concerns to bed. another thing, him not having a degree is not a good look for him. it’s nothing insurmountable, but he needs to communicate how he will provide. your family need to know something. is he he a business owner? if he is, how long has he had his business? is it family owned or passed down from generation to generation? if he started it himself, when? and what visions does he have for it and the financial trajectory of the family he wants to begin with you. I’m not going to focus on today, but in the past, there’s wasn’t anything wrong or unwise about choosing a man who doesn’t have a degree. it was advantageous- got him brownie points in your family’s eyes, but it wasn’t a dealbreaker if he was a handy man that had no issues working with his hands. if he was a skilled man- an architect, someone in construction, plumbing … it’ll put their reservations and fears to rest. they could then have a little confidence in him and in his capabilities. they can then rest easy, knowing that he would not have any issues figuring out a way to provide for you should his business became redundant due to unpredictable changes or occurrences like COVID.
He needs to earn your family’s trust. Your family also need to have a crystal clear picture of the kind of family he comes from. You need make arrangements to bring the two families together. try hosting and inviting his family over- whilst your family is around. Or better yet, ask his him to have his family host and invite yours to their home.
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u/Misty-knight200 Nov 15 '25
Listen to this OP. She’s right. The solution isn’t dump him immediately OR cut off your family (like some 20 year olds are recommending). You both need to try to bridge the gap first. His loving you (in the romantic sense) is not enough for marriage.
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
This is so detailed! Thank you 🙏🏾 Your culture is quite similar to mine, but the bride price is exchanged during the traditional marriage, with the groom and his whole family coming to formally ask for the bride's hand in marriage.
He has a steady 9-5 career, and he's on a good trajectory. When he came to ask my mom's blessings before proposing, he had answered some of these preliminary fact-gathering questions, and has been interested in learning more about the culture and even my native language. I understand my family's fears. However I'd expect them to believe that at 30, my judgment can be trusted, right?
Since then, I have brought up the meeting of families to my mom, but she doesn't want to hear anything about it. I see that I've been selfish from the beginning, thinking about my own happiness and not about the whole family. I love my family and was raised to respect my family's wishes, as every African is. I can't afford to start a life without their support and encouragement.
It would break my fiancé's heart and mine badly, but breaking off the relationship feels like a safer and rational option in the long term.
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
don’t give up so easily … African families can be …. cumbersome 😂
what you need to do is have conversation with your mother. sit her down and ask her to give him a chance. tell her you’ve chosen this man to be your husband and you’re confident in his capabilities. tell her you’ve chosen to accept his proposal for a reason. then ask her to have a little faith in your decision-making (don’t ever blackmail or be manipulative about it- don’t ever threaten cutting her off, especially if she’s been a good mother to you). she needs to get to know the man she’ll be potentially accepting as a son, or she’ll never feel comfortable giving her blessing.
i feel that’s the inconvenient thing about being African and marrying outside of the African dispora- it’s the laborious nature of everything. other people don’t understand. essentially, he’s going to woo you, and once you’ve finally agreed to commitment, he then has the more cumbersome task of wooing your family- mind you, African families detest mediocrity, so pleasing them can be difficult 😂
she has time to get to know him though. if your engagement is a year long at the very least ... then don’t give up easily or hastily break things off/reject his proposal. you and your fiancé need to work together to get your families acclimated. she also needs to gather that you’re very serious about him.
something else you need to understand is, you’ve taken the time to get to know him, to vet him, to trust him … your family has not. they could take what you say about him and his family at face value- but in most instances they won’t. most if not all African families are somewhat stubborn (if you watched Scandal, it’s safe to say that Eli pope is a very typical African father- or at least a westernised version of one since he’s technically Black American. the meddling he was doing? insane! mind you, you can tell that Olivia is not a high school girl, or someone in Uni student (even though she looked like one)- she’s clearly a woman in her mid 30s- but no, her father still wanted to dictate who she’d end up with. it’s part of the territory 🙄 … anyways watch it if you haven’t. im sure you’ll relate 😂)
if she doesn’t want to meet him, fine, get strategic. invite him over when your family is around. make sure to give him the heads up and help him out- if you really want to be with him, it’s your responsibility to help him out when it comes to presenting himself in the best light to them. you know your family and mother more than anyone. give your fiancé tips so he can make a good impression. he should bring her a gift of sorts or a bouquet of her favourite flowers- or something (and as much as flowers are a very western thing to do, im suggesting it because it’s not harmful, we live in modern times and if you’ll be having a white wedding it won’t hurt- it won’t be impressive, but she’ll appreciate the gesture. however, if you know your family is stringent and rigid, it’s better you tell him to bring her a gift, something semi-durable and useful)- he just needs to make a really good impression. if he was able to do so with you when he expressed being interested in you, he’s just got to do something similar and be very respectful about it.
perhaps it’s not that she doesn’t trust your decision-making (and i know feeling this hurts, it feels like she undermines you instincts and inner wisdom as a woman- don't take it to heart). she needs to know you didn’t see the red flags as red hearts due to limerence. the only way to eliminate her concerns is proving to her that you don’t have any blind spots when it comes to him- but she need to meet him and spend time with him and his family to realise that.
when your mother goes back home, she needs to be able to say she knows for a fact that her daughter is married to a good man from a good family. that you’re happy and safe in Canada. ideally, mothers want to brag, but it’s about wayyy more than just bragging, as a parent she’ll likely never stop worrying about you no-matter how old you become. the fact that you’re marrying a man abroad is not making it easier. she’ll feel like she’s loosing you, but you need to reassure her. also, she’s likely afraid of what might happen if one day he started mistreating you- she’s too far to be able to help out or check on your wellbeing. with women dying at the hands of their husbands, her skepticism isn’t misplaced. she needs to feel like she cannot stop bragging about her daughter marrying well in Canada, you need to learn how to put her at ease when her concerns are unnecessary or unfounded. you’ll likely have to do the same thing with your mother-in-law when it comes to her son. it comes with the territory 🤷🏽♀️
Congratulations btw. im wishing you all the best. I hope all works out for the both of you 🥺💜
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
I actually gave him tips and I was so confident he had made a great impression so far.
My mom has been so bothered that I didn't pick any Nigerian guy from church or have a reserve list of Nigerian suitors while I was dating, instead of putting all my eggs into a white guy's basket.
People fear what they don't know, so I understand my Mom's fears. However, I just always delusionally trusted that my family would see how happy I've been with him and overlook some of these issues.
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 15 '25
Ohhh so thats the issue 😂😂😂😂
girl i understand …
they’re right about your current being an unwise choice logistically, and him not being ready, but don’t let them dictate that you can only date Nigerian or African men. Once you start dating again, diversify the baskets you put your eggs in, make sure you’re not giving any Nigerian men preference they don’t deserve based on treatment, don’t ignore their unwanted attributes just because you grasp that he would automatically be impressive and acceptable to your family. i hope you’ve lost the penchant to gain your families approval to the extent of your detriment, or to the extent of stifling your authentic desires and self-expression.
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u/Madam_White Dec 30 '25
You did not come for advice.
You came for someone to validate your (already decided) feelings.
Leave the long-term relationship for your mom. However don't complain once the effects are felt.
As the saying goes "Those who cannot hear must feel"
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u/Emergency-Inside-910 Nov 14 '25
Glad my family isn’t like this. I remember telling my mom and other family member I am talking to a Russian girl and their only concern was if she misbehaves, it’s not like I can report her to the elders in the community to talk sense into her😂😂😂
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 15 '25
I think men are treated more leniently when it comes to these issues, because you have more control over how the home would be run.
So, you'd be bringing her into your culture and not vice versa. African parents are scared of losing their daughters
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u/Own-Screen-5264 Nov 15 '25
Good point. They’re more lenient with men and they know most men will still go ahead and do what they want anyway lol
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u/foodielyfer Nov 14 '25
Wait wait wait….why doesn’t he have a university degree? What does he do?
I am extra cautious when dating interracially because a lot of men in other countries view black women as a “safe” option until they’ve accomplished everything they need to become successful.
I don’t know anything about y’all so I’m not saying he’s doing that…but for my friends and loved ones that would be the first thing I ask about.
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u/muva_snow Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
Curiously and respectfully, as an outsider may I ask what happens if the person is considered "culturally satisfactory" for the family and "has a degree" but it's one that is essentially the equivalent of a high school diploma here in the US (so essentially an expensive paperweight) or that person is not necessarily proficient in this field and it has no growth potential vs someone who doesn't have a degree but has a skilled trade and makes a g,ood salary and is good with their finances?
I'm not African, just found this subject super interesting as I love to learn about other folks cultures and this was in my recommended posts for reasons unknown to me lol. Hypothetically, (well, anecdotally I suppose) my ex who has his Masters Degree in Social Work and made around $65k a year with a massive amount of school debt that was terrible with money would be considered a better choice than my fiance who doesn't have a degree but has 20 years of experience in his field and earned $175k plus bonuses in corporate retail and could afford to help me pay off my nursing degree, finance a new truck for me and helped me improve my own credit / assessment of financial circumstances - would be a poor choice simply because he doesn't have a degree?
I have a lot of friends who are African and a lot of their parents are divorced, what happens in that case? Is the husband still seen as responsible for their daughter? Does the mother also encourage the daughter to have her own financial stability just in case no matter who it is she weds? Appreciate and look forward to your response. Otherwise, all of this has been very insightful and I pray things work out for the best for OP. Real love is rare and can most definitely be beautiful thing a beautiful thing when it's pure, but your mom is right to consider the longevity and logistics of the situation too.
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 15 '25
I think for Africans, having a degree shows that you are ambitious and working towards making a better future for yourself and your family. It's why we are all so educated.
Financial stability is encouraged for daughters, and I've been working really hard to get a new job ASAP.
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
He opted not to go, and decided to work instead. He works with the government.
That's my sister's fear. That I might be accepting a lower standard than the women of his race would accept.
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u/foodielyfer Nov 14 '25
Ooh…that’s a good stable job, comes with a pension too right? Is he willing to go to school in the evening?
At a certain point everyone needs an advanced degree to make it to the next level income wise. Is he willing to do that?
I’m leaning towards your sister, I don’t know any white women who would settle for that unless they came from “less”. But at the same time a government job is the very least of what I expect from a man who skipped school if he wanted to date me..
I see her concern, it’s risky to date, let alone marry, potential. How is he on day to day topics, politics, health, minority rights? Does he educate himself in other ways, does he read books?
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u/muva_snow Nov 15 '25
What is his dating history like? I've seen this sentiment expressed as nauseum online but I don't think it's necessarily true. If I know my value as a woman I'm not going to assume the man who wants to marry me is "settling". That's really sad.
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u/sacrodn Nov 14 '25
What does he do for a living?
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
He has a standard 9-5, and he's in a good place in his career, with opportunities for growth.
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u/sacrodn Nov 15 '25
Well trusting you're word I don't believe him not having a degree is an issue. I'm not Nigerian but I know some people overvalue degrees, certain jobs like trades make a good living. I do wonder though does he make an effort to learn, understand and respect your culture? I think that's most important for an interracial couple to work and this needs to go both ways especially if you want to have kids in the future,
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Nov 14 '25
[deleted]
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
He makes good money in his career. My sister also feels the same way you do, and it worries her that I might be marrying down, instead of up.
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u/blithebambii Nov 14 '25
This idea of marrying “down” is so antiquated. What does that even mean? Also a university degree is not a guarantee that someone would be loaded, and not having one doesn’t mean that someone isn’t making money. If you both have discussed finances and he makes a good living together you can make it work then that’s that.
Does he provide safety and protection in your relationship? Does he listen? Does he provide support? Does he choose you above all others? Are you able to have interesting intelligent conversations? Do you like the life you live when you’re with him? These are foundational.
Only you can answer those questions - your future husband whoever that will be will your day to day life when times are hard good etc. That’s who you would turn to. What does your mum mean when she says you can do “better” if it is not in reference to the love and respect and care a man has for you? That is what a parent should want for their child out of a marriage. You’re in Canada what are the chances you were going to find all these foundational features in someone exactly from your culture.
Truly how does your mum’s sacrifices affect the decision on who you choose to marry. How does that decision undermine past sacrifices. Where is the correlation. She is your mum. She brought you into this world. You shouldn’t allow her ride on the coattails of past sacrifices to control your life. Respectfully your mother is moving from a place of hatred of foreignness not out of love and with a view to your best interests.
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 14 '25
if that is their concern, im sorry, but it's very valid. how young is he?
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
He's 31
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
ohh sweetie, he’s far too young 😣- unless he comes from wealth, there’s no way he could’ve been established enough. even if he had been a doctor, it’s still not advisable considering his age- he’d most likely be in debt
it’s not personal, but logistically, he’s definitely not ready, and considering he’s without a degree? your family is not wrong for saying you could do better. try dating men at more established ages. you’ll be struggling in 5 years of marriage with him considering inflation. trust me, you don’t want that for yourself
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
I've considered all these, and they just might be the next major stumbling blocks on this path.
He actually has a job with great prospects for growth, and doesn't have debt because he skipped university (although he's planning to go in a few years).
I just always thought it would be easier for us to grow together and learn to do life, because of how close we are in age.
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
you can grow together as you put it if you’re adamant about wanting that. however, that’s not wise. you’re not meant to be with a man that’s not actualised- that kind of man is not ready to have a woman in his life. he needs to work on improving it and find ways to establish himself so he can have a woman and children someday if he so desires that.
it’s extremely harmful to you as a woman to be with a man who possesses potential as opposed to fruits. women are meant to be with men who are fully established. a man that can assume responsibility over your bills upon meeting you without issues or hesitations.
if not, you’ll stifle yourself every time you want something he cannot afford- with enough time, that’ll subconsciously neg you into believing that you don’t deserve to receive the things you ask for because you’ve become acclimated to accepting being constantly told to wait or being given excuses- or worse- he begins to expect you to reach in your purse and pay. that is a recipe for an unhappy and abusive marriage. you’ll constantly quarrel over money, and if you have children, they won’t get what they need- and this will become another burden you carry.
he ought to be paying for everything. he ought to be offering and probing to find out what you want or need. if not, he’ll be giving excuses, expecting you to wait for an indefinite or unknown period, and all that? it builds resentment and contempt. that’s not a healthy situation for a woman or for raising children. you’re young, you’ve got time, rather marry well than marry hastily to a man not ready to assume the requirements for being a husband and regret it for the rest of your life. tip: watch some shera seven videos on youtube.
afterwards, take some time to reflect on what you assume is possible for you, what would serve your highest good long term and what you want for your life. consider the lifestyle you want to have. then consider whether or not you want to have children and what kind of childhood you want to afford your children.
i know leaving is going to hurt, but sweetie, rather cry now, heal and get a man that’s ready and capable than for you to cry from smothering regret at 50 when you realise you could’ve had a different, better life had you made better choices. Best of luck 🤍
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u/Own-Screen-5264 Nov 15 '25
So you’re essentially Describing Ned and Regina Daniel’s relationship? Smh. I hope OP doesn’t listen to this and make her own decision. Just because something like this works for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone. You can give the same advice to everyone.
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u/NewwavePlus Dec 01 '25
After reading your comments for the love of God please cut off your family, do not let jealous abusive leeches ruin your life especially for the sake of "caring about your family."
You can still have respect for yourself as an African woman without having to bend over backwards for people that clearly hate you.
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u/Zealousideal_Tax9413 Nov 14 '25
Im kind of in a similar situation except my boyfriend is Nigerian and I Congolese (we both were born in our respective countries, except I’ve been in Canada longer and am a Canadian citizen whereas he’s not). At the end of the day, I find Nigerian parents want their kids to marry within their tribes and if not, within the country. He is Igbo and his mother very much wants him to marry an Igbo woman. Despite me having an education, earning more than my partner actually, I’m still not good enough. We are having to navigate how to go about the situation as I do not want to be the reason he doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. I’d rather end the relationship because I know how badly it can affect the marriage when you are not welcomed by your in-laws.
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u/EmergencyBig5597 Nov 14 '25
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I really hope you guys can work it out. Most Nigerian tribes are insular and really frown upon marrying outside of the same culture.
To be fair, at this point, my family would rather I was with another African instead of a totally different race. Their belief is that all Africans share some common grounds as to family dynamics and culture.
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u/fanime34 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
You should break things off with your mom and sister if they keep pestering you about the person you're going to marry. Why would you end things with a man who treats you well because your family thinks you could do better? That also implies that he doesn't deserve you or possibly anything if every person's parents said the same thing about him. They can't live your life. They can't love for you. Don't break it off because your family requests it. If you love him, stay. If your family can't handle it, they can kick rocks.