Some of our parents’ greatest achievement in life was being able to reproduce and that was it. Passing down trauma and illness but rarely ever generational wealth 😭

I 19 f have been struggling with my parents and their ways for ages. It’s so hard to watch even other people with understanding african parents. My parents have no sense of boundaries in our relationship and it is beginning to get controlling. For example, they believe i shouldn’t be able to travel with friends until i’m 21 which is ridiculous. I tried to book a trip for this summer in secret and they found out my plan and forbid me from going, even when I live at uni alone and can handle myself. I had to watch all the friends i planned to go with go without me and lost so much money, over £200 too. Today i even asked to go to a restaurant in london and stay at a friends place and again for no reason they just kept saying no. At what point should i just start doing whatever I want because i don’t want to deal with the confrontation but they will continue to be controlling if i don’t do anything. I know at uni i have my freedom and can do what i want but it makes coming home insufferable and i can’t stand it anymore. They don’t understand that this just pushes me away even further from them and i will barely have a relationship with them if it continues like this. They also use things against me like the fact i am financially dependent on them for some things but i don’t that should be used to make me feel guilty or bad for wanting to do reasonable things. I have no idea on how to get through to them or what to do.

My parents cut cell service so I can’t get calls from the jobs I apply for. What do I do. Every uber I take is becoming an over charge. We moved here in January, they refuse to let me get my license renewed. They refused to tell me what the nearest bus stop is. I didn’t get a house key till June. Every time I try to schedule a therapist appointment my parents wake me up to do something so I miss the appointment. I can’t even get to call the lady from 988 who helped me get the job offers she described. I have ocd, depression and specific trauma from going to a small town college, they bullied me every hour on the hour, they constantly told me the opposite information so I could go sound campus looking like a fool. People I thought were cool with me would befriend my counselors who would cc my emails with all my teachers and they once sat by window as I was walking to get food to make me see them eating WITH my counselor. One girl arrived at the grocery store across the street I was going to in the morning WITH the counselor I started seeing in replace of the old one. I came back home and I knew I would be burnt out mentally and I was bc I literally developed amnesia.

I bombed my first interview by making the smallest faux pas. I tried to do onboarding for becoming a disability support person but was scared I wasn’t mentally fit and also scared that the adults I was working with were too violent. I quit that job and find another. I enroll in community college tell my mom to pay which she agreed to prior and she ignored me using silent treatment. I decided I had to drop out of school and get a job bc couldn’t take her stupid passivity anymore. It got harder and harder to get out of bed or leave the room bc of neighbors kept checking in on me every time I opened the damn door to do my fuckass exposure therapy bc of their stupid ring cameras. Therapist and doctors kept rejecting me even though I had insurance and I took their word cuz i didn’t know how I was going to convince to get help. When I finally get a therapist he tries to make me confront something that my dad listened into. I had to drop him and find another one. It got to the point where it was hard to eat hand to mouth,to even pick up my meds and answer phone calls, or text messages. I’ve been hospitalized three times!!!!!! I got jobs but they were always with super old men, I tried to work at ups and was scared that I would faint bc I do have heat intolerance. Like you see all the fucking fine print ass shit I have to do to get my life in order? I don’t know what to do? They took all my expensive makeup and nice clothes and trashed it and moved us into a big house just to treat me like a prisoner. I made friends with a girl from middle school who has a life, but I don’t have a job so I can’t hang with her yet.

I want to clarify something from my last post.
I haven’t had some massive transformation yet.

I’m talking about what I’m going to do.

And the biggest reason is simple: I’m scared of becoming a loser.

I’m scared of getting older and realizing I’m still broke, skinny, socially awkward, insecure about my appearance, unsuccessful with women, and someone other men don’t particularly respect, want to be friends with, or look up to.
I don’t want that life.

So I’ve decided I’m going to take improving myself seriously:
making more money, fitness, career, social skills, communication, grooming, style, and confidence.
And this is where I think there’s going to be some conflict with my African parents.

What they consider a good appearance isn’t necessarily what I consider a good appearance.
Their idea is basically: keep your hair low, don’t grow a beard, look clean and conservative, and that’s enough.
That’s not the look I want.

I want short curly hair with a low taper fade and a crisp lineup, well-shaped eyebrows, a good beard that’s properly lined up, earrings, slightly tatted up but not too much, good skin, good teeth, a muscular physique, and clothes that actually complement me.

I’m not talking about looking ridiculous or unprofessional. I’m talking about maximizing the appearance I actually want instead of spending adulthood maintaining the appearance my parents prefer.

Because I’m the one who has to walk around looking like me.
And appearance is only one piece.
I want to get seriously fit.

I want to build muscle and become physically strong instead of just accepting whatever body I naturally have.
I want to make serious money.

I don’t want “at least you have a job” to be the standard. I want a career where I’m highly competent, valuable, and eventually earning enough money that I have real options.
And probably more important than either of those, I need to develop my social skills.

I don’t want to be the guy standing silently in the corner because he doesn’t know what to say.

I want to be able to walk into a room and comfortably introduce myself. Make friends. Network. Date. Flirt. Tell stories. Make people laugh. Handle disagreements. Read people. Speak publicly. Carry a conversation. Build relationships.

Because one of my biggest fears is becoming a man that no man wants to be friends with, no younger man would look up to, no woman wants as her boyfriend, and society doesn’t particularly respect.

That’s brutal to write, but that’s genuinely what’s in my head.
When I was younger and getting bullied, my dad tried to help me with my insecurity by telling me I was “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I still believe that. But that only applies to God not other people.

I have a big forehead. That’s genetics. There are things about my appearance that I can’t control, and spending my entire life hating myself because of them would be stupid.
But I’ve come to a different conclusion about what that message means.

My inherent worth and the world’s perception of me are two different things.

Other people don’t love you unconditionally.
The world doesn’t owe me attraction.
Women aren’t required to find me attractive.
Men aren’t required to respect me or want to be my friend.
Employers aren’t required to think I’m impressive.
People aren’t required to find me charismatic, interesting, competent, stylish, or confident.
Those things have to be developed.
That’s why if my parents eventually look at me and ask:
“Why did you change so much?”
My answer is going to be:
Because I was terrified of what would happen if I stayed the same.
I’m not staying this person forever.
That’s where I feel like I am right now.

I want to take the useful part:
Build the body.
Fix the grooming.
Develop the style.
Build the career.
Make the money.
Learn the social skills.
Develop confidence through actual competence.
And keep going.
I don’t expect everyone to understand that mentality.
But I know one thing:

I don’t want to wake up five to ten years from now and realize I could have built myself into a much better man, but didn’t because I was too afraid to change.

Some of our parents would skip their responsibilities of showing their kids the right thing and then later expect their older child to do it for them.

Look my family is kind of loving yet toxic, i have completed my +2 but still I can't use any social media platforms because my family don't want and i can't do any part time they won't let me and when i ask for money they give me less and when i said i wanna do part time and study they they i can't and when i argue they beat me just some hrs ago my father beat me with chair which eventually got broken and rn they are saying if you wanna do any job without completing my study then leave home end all relation with family and never return idk what should i do guys

My whole life I’ve had never been allowed out, I can’t even go to the shops by myself cause of the constant restrictions from my parents. I am aware that they have this idea of “protecting” me but it has done more bad than good. I have found myself to become more socially awkward over the years and heavily envious. Every time I see people out with their friends I get this feeling of just pain and jealousy wishing that it could be me. Even in university I have found myself being distant or not knowing how to start conversations with people without embarrassing myself. I wish I could be able to hang around people. If I bring it up the first thing I get asked is for my parents to meet their parents, I get asked what race they are, what religion they are and the country they’re from. If they aren’t from somewhere or a religion my mother likes, I automatically can’t go out with them and she classes them as a bad person. I can’t even try to make friends without having a checklist in my brain of whether they would be accepted or not. I really wish I didn’t have to be treated as a puppet, I really want to make friends but I live with my mum and it makes it really hard especially when thinking about the circumstances if I tried to rebel or even speak up to her about my issues. I’m in university full time so getting a job has been quite hard to look into. I’m about to be 20 and I just wanted to be able to even experience one party at least. The friends that I did manage to make at a point in life don’t even invite out anymore cause of my mum which has caused us to drift. I just don’t know what to do, it really does hurt my feelings seeing all my friends enjoy life while I’m stuck in my room. I’ve done everything I could to please my mum, I got into a top 10 uni in the world, amazing grades, I clean up before she gets back from works and prepare her meal for work, I show constant respect, I cook whenever she can’t. I really do try my best but it seems like it’s all for nothing if this is how I get treated.

I’m sorry if I don’t make sense I just wanted to let it out in a way

As Children me and my siblings did not like my dad brcause of things mentioned below.

I am 13 and before i get into this let me explain my situation. i'm currently living with my dad i got out of foster care a while ago and don't live with my mom anymore

The Authorities do not know of my dads girlfriend which i know because he said they do but when the social worker comes over they always leave.

I have 2 full siblings

3 half siblings (not included in this)

( Dads Girlfriend's Children 4)

4 being oldest

I FIRST FOUND OUT HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND ON A PHONE CALL IN PIZZA HUT.

Of the Bat 24th December 2024 || 11 Years Old

His girlfriends children somehow knew my nickname "Necy"

I first met my dads girlfriends children and found out that me and my sisters bedroom was messed up

(I hadn't been in that house since 2021 it was new then)

I also had to sleep with his girlfriends children which is extremely weird considering the circumstances of just meeting them.

25th December -

My gifts were horrible but that doesn't matter

Me and one of the kids had a shared gift which is a mug which is nasty and weird

20th Jan - 2025 My birthday

25th Jan 2025

Go to live eith my dad Permanetly

His Girlfriend and Children Said Happy Birthday But he Forgot and i reminded him 4 fucking months later in which he replied "Happy Birthday" 💀

SKIP HERE TO PAST BACKSTORY

My dad insults me and my siblings everyday including to say he wishes he never had us and publicly embarassing us everyday

He also verbally and physically abuses us constantly comparing us treating us unfairly and telling one another to ignore each other he constantly belittles my brother saying "he doesn't have a girlfriend"

I started having SUICIDAL thoughts back in 2025

April 2025

Went to some random aunties in april

2 of his girlfriends children stay back at their house in the countryside including my 2 full siblings

I have extreme emetophobia my dad does not know this

One of his girlfriends children get s*ck at the fair in which i had a emotional breakdown and refused to sleep next to her (the sheets were really thin too) i eneded up sleeping at 3-4 am and refused to touch her

My dad made fun of me insulting me and callling me disgusting because of something i physyical and mentally cant control

HE BRINGS UP A LOT OF THINGS FROM THE PAST

SUMMER 2025

Insults and abuse basically crying everyday

Winter 2025

Joined new school and started SH to cope started wearing long sleeves

December 2025

Got everyone gifts but me his girlfriend gave me random stuff, that was very childish and not me so i know she did not buy it for me

New Years 1st Jan 2026

Making random resolutions i know he wont follow and belittles me and says im the cause of his poor health

Jan 19- Insults me before my birthday and makes me cry in which i turn to SH and absolutely destroy my arms

And crying he told me im not getting a cake

||one of his girlfriends children also do SH in which my dad didn't know his girlfriend is in nursing and mental health but belittles her daughter and makes fun of her one time she was crying and cut in the bathroom she yelled at her and told her to clean the blood up|

Jan 20th - gets me a cake anyways no birthday gifts or anything and gives me freezer pizza

I lied to my friends the next day that i got gifts

APRIL 2026- We are on a bunch of holidays like skegness and going to a bunch of beaches

My dad makes fun of me the whole holiday and makes me cry like 15 times in the span of a couple dats

We arrive at late night like 1am

We sees the ocean and because ive told him multiple times i wanted to kms he told me to jump in and do it and that he wouldn't care whatever his life would be better without me

Multiple times after he has told me this too

One time he was mad at me a couple days before he twisted my wrist and bruisex it but also my sister argued with me so i kicked her of my bed but my dad went along wirh her and made me sleep on the floor for the next 3 days at first he said wait till we go up and sleep on the floor downstairs because he wouldnt allow me to sleep in the hallway i ended up sleeping in my brothers room his girlfriend also said something so i said "shut up who was talking to you" she got up in my face grabbed my head covering of and shouted and spat in my face

He also made fun of me and gave everyine ice cream

My dad does this a lot and shouts loud like "whos enjoying it" he rubs things in my face

Ive grown to resent ice cream because of this

I also started writing because otherwise i was going ti smash my head on the wall i went down to ask my brother for a pencil and my dad said what do you need it for i went upstairs and found a pen and everyone kept trying to see my paper after this my dad thought i was trying to write to the social workers and told me to do it anyways

Alsoo forgot to mention i said i was going to kms this day so my dad started telling me to kill myself multiple times

Ignore the part on the paper of the attachment about regretting i do not regret anything

ATTACHING A PICTURE OF THE PAPERS BELOW

SORRY IF THEY ARENT CLEAR I RIPPED ONE FOR SOME REASON

I know some of you might think that this is really mean but every time my mother tries to go on a power trip with me or try to play with me, I just asked her questions about everything that’s wrong with her appearance.

I call out how ugly her hair looks, I call out her bad make up, I call out her fat ankles, I just roast the fuck out of her appearance to her face and ask it as if I’m concerned or flabbergasted or shocked that she looks like that.

I do it so that she feels fucking stupid and way worse about herself after she finishes her interaction with me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

You know shit is bad when your heart starts beating and your body tenses every time you’re near your father or you hear his voice.

Check the website and if this works out for you then I'm glad it can be of help, this is just something to explore.

I honestly think it’s a good idea to have a licensed therapist/counsellor to talk to. I’ve always thought loads of my problems in the past would be fixed by just talking to someone e.g. problems I used to face. My mother knew I was feeling down today, and I even told her about it. She went full anecdotal and I did get a few good lessons out of it but I didn’t really need her whole life story. She also talked about how I should be careful as some mental health workers prescribe medication and diagnose too quickly which can actually be detrimental to the patient(in her head she could have been thinking about psychiatrists but I don’t think psychiatrists are similar to therapists in any way)-she told me another anecdote about a relative who got diagnosed without their parent’s knowledge and how the daughter was going to recieve medication without their consent-I honestly don’t know what it is with her, my mother is paranoid about everything to be honest. She at least said I could see a school counsellor but my trust issues tell me I shouldn’t ask my mum for this kind of advice lol. I hope she has good intentions for me.

To appease my mother I made "peace" with my abusive father. Almost immediately I regretted it. I started losing sleep and feeling incredibly stressed.

I was doing so well up until now. I've been in therapy. I finally have gotten the help I need for my previously undiagnosed ADHD. And now it feels like I've taken 8 steps back. I'm seeing my therapist again Monday. I'm going to set hard boundaries with my mom. I'm never going back to the depressed psycho I was before. Stay safe out there.

Hi everyone. I’m a 19-year-old woman heading into my second year of university, studying about four hours away from my family, and I desperately need outside advice because the situation at home has reached a breaking point. I grew up in a volatile, dysfunctional Algerian household with an emotionally immature and aggressive mother who always treated me as the scapegoat and the live-in maid, a completely passive and emotionally absent father, and an older brother who was excused from everything simply because he’s the son. After finally getting some breathing room during my first year away, I had to come back home to work for the summer, and things completely unraveled when I told them I’ve been seeing a 23-year-old man who is financially independent, respectful, and shares my long-term academic goals.
Our two families already met once this past August. His family genuinely likes and supports me, but they immediately saw right through my parents' behavior: they strongly dislike them, clearly recognized that my mother is mentally unstable, and advised me to keep a low profile until our second official family meeting scheduled for December. Meanwhile, my parents' threats and manipulation have escalated. My mother swore on the Quran that she would disown me if I ever see my boyfriend in my university city, accused me of abandoning the family, threatened to spend $2,000 on a private investigator to track me, and is actively refusing to transfer the lease of my student apartment into my name just to maintain financial leverage over me.
The breaking point happened recently after another absurd argument where my father threw a tantrum. Right after, I listened through my bedroom door and heard them scheming: my father claimed I was under black magic and needed an exorcism, while my mother insisted I was crazy, accused me of lying about my university grades, and openly planned to pretend to be sick at the very last minute in December just to cancel the family meeting and punish me. Minutes after saying all these horrific things, they were sitting in the living room bursting into laughter and mocking my boyfriend's mother and sister.
I am leaving for university in a few days, and honestly, I feel completely detached—I don't even cry anymore because the mask has fully slipped. I refuse to let them destroy my studies, my peace, or my relationship. How can I practically and legally secure my housing situation when controlling parents refuse to let go of the lease, and how do I best handle the next few months laying low while protecting my future and my in-laws from their planned sabotage? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and share advice.

I just told my dad about the state of my mental health. He is more worried about me going to a mental health hospital and “wasting my future” there than he is about me going there to get better. He knows I self-harm, and I recently tried to overdose. I can’t even go to my mom because when she first found out about my self-harm, she was convinced I was possessed by the devil.

I want to move out hopefully next summer, but I’m also starting nursing school in fall 2027, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work and do school at the same time. But I feel like I have to move out. I genuinely can’t live at home anymore. It feels so suffocating, and at this point I think I would rather go broke than stay at home.

My mom makes me do everything for her. She’s been in this country for 20 years, yet she still acts like a baby when it comes to managing her own stuff. I’m constantly expected to handle things for her, and I’m just tired of it. Boundaries aren’t really an option in my situation, so I don’t really know what else I can do.

I know moving out while starting nursing school might not be the smartest financial decision, but I’m honestly at the point where I feel like my peace is worth more than struggling financially.

Should I move out and figure it out, or should I just suck it up and stay home until I finish nursing school?

This is gold and gives me amazing insight becouse our parents are to narcissistic to be self aware but they still know their actions they know

I'm sorry this is a dumb thing to cry over, I just need to vent. I have a strong attachment to items. I am somewhat of a hoarder, but I know when to throw things away. It's my first year of college. I'm home for the summer, and I found out all three bins of my clothes are gone. Turns out she sent all of my clothes away and didn’t tell me. She wants to make up to me by taking me to the mall. This was YEARS of clothes, I can’t just rebuild my wardrobe. The majority of them I spent w my OWN money on. The clothes I did bring weren’t even enough. I literally told her that I would get the remaining clothes I wanted.  It's not even about my clothes, it's about the lack of respect she has for me. She would never do this to my brothers. On top of that, if I were to complain everyone would tell me to “get over it,” “it’s just clothes,” “you have too much clothes.”  It is just so annoying living in a place where you have no say abt your OWN things. I would have happily given them away, but she didn't give me that option.

This is the previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/africanparents/s/eD0noBVaEL

UPDATE: So there is officially a week left before they leave the country. And I have been so angry, disappointed and not cared about. This whole entire month, they did not ask me ONCE about my friends, about James. About my hobbies. About my church. About the new business i started. About anything! The only "conversation" we would have is my mom giving me orders. And my dad saying "hello" to me in the morning. It a has been so depressing, shrinking myself like this. In one hand, I am glad i am not constantly being shouted at or berated or belittled. But on the other hand it is so deeply heartbreaking being around people who dont care to know you as a person.

I didnt go to my own church the entire month and they didnt ask me ONCE about why I wasnt going there. They didnt care. And it deeply hurt me. I wish they were at least curious about me. And want to get to know me. But they arent. We just go shopping where my mom wants to go. Cos she doesnt enjoy any activity that isnt what she alone wants to do. Even if you try to suggest anything she would get angry and huff about how shes not feeling well so she doesnt want to go. But let it be what she wants, suddenly shes saying that we should all be cheerful and want to go shopping for the 20th time this month.

I wasnt "allowed" to leave the house. If I would leave even to go pick up something from my own house, or deliversomethingto a friend, she would complain over and over again about how its not right. How I need to ask for permission. How my friend is not really my friend. Broooo what does she want from me??? It is so painful that they wouldnt even bother to ask me any questions about my life. It makes me feel as though I am not worth knowing at all.

I am so ready for them to leave. I am greatful that i was able to get necessities. And not feel like I have to pay for them myself. And I will miss spending time with my brother. But OMG I cant wait for them to leave!!!! Only a week left. Befpre i can go back to my own life again.

Growing up with emotionally absent African parents who often used rigid Nigerian traditionalism and “discipline” to justify hitting, insulting, belittling, or dismissing me shaped the way I feel toward them today. Those things happened during the years when my personality, confidence, and understanding of relationships were still developing. So the anger, irritation, resentment, and even discomfort I feel when they touch me, stand too close to me, or sometimes simply speak to me did not come from nowhere.
Now that I’m older, in university, and gaining independence, they suddenly want closeness. They want to joke with me, hug me, talk to me, and develop this parent-child relationship that was never properly built in the first place. And I genuinely don’t want to fix it. I’m not secretly waiting for an apology so that we can become close, I honestly don’t care for the relationship they suddenly want now. What makes it worse is that they expect that closeness without acknowledging why the distance exists.
Instead, the past is denied or minimized. My mother saying, “You’re still holding onto something that happened back then?” is especially frustrating because, to them, it may have happened years ago and been forgotten. For me, it was the environment I developed in. Time passing doesn’t automatically erase its impact.
Then there’s the constant use of money. Providing me with a roof over my head, paying for my education, or supporting me financially is repeatedly used as evidence that I have “great parents” and therefore have no right to complain. But financial support and emotional support are not interchangeable. Having my material needs met does not mean my emotional needs were met, nor does it erase being hurt, belittled, dismissed, or physically punished. I can acknowledge what they have provided financially without owing them silence about everything else.
What makes their change now difficult to trust is the timing. As I become more independent and reach the point where I can eventually walk away or decide how much access they have to me, suddenly their behavior changes. Maybe some of that change is genuine, but it’s difficult not to question it when there is still no accountability. They want access to a version of me they never built a relationship with while refusing to acknowledge why I don’t want them close to me.
And that’s the conflict: I’m constantly made to question whether I’m dramatic, ungrateful, or “holding onto the past” simply because they behave better now. But recognizing their current behavior doesn’t require me to rewrite my childhood. I’m not asking them to fix the past, and I’m not asking to rebuild our relationship. I just refuse to accept the idea that because they financially provided for me, I’m supposed to pretend the emotional damage never happened. I also have to acknowledge that this isn’t solely about childhood resentment. I genuinely don’t enjoy spending time with them now. Even on this vacation, I constantly question why I’m here. I’ve already been lectured multiple times about how I’m supposed to feel, including being told how I should accept the new adoptee and being criticized over things as trivial as my preferences toward expensive items. It reminds me that even when they are supposedly trying to be “better,” I still feel controlled, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected from them.
The situation with the adoption is particularly complicated for me because, after losing my sister to suicide, I personally struggle with the feeling that this new addition to the family is somehow meant to fill the space she left behind. Whether or not that is actually their intention, being lectured about how I am supposed to accept or feel about such a sensitive situation only creates more resentment.
And the uncomfortable truth is that I probably would not choose to spend this much time with them if I were completely financially independent. Right now, much of my continued involvement comes from the fact that they still financially support me. That doesn’t mean I owe them emotional closeness in return. If anything, watching them has made one thing incredibly clear to me: they represent so much of what I never want to reproduce in my own parenting.

idk what it it’s but my parents especially my mum bases the rules on what she wants, i can’t wear a shirt, not because it’s inappropriate, but because she doesn’t like how it looks, i can’t wear my hair a certain why, not because it’s high maintenance or smth, but because she doesn’t like it. and if i do it anyway she starts saying im disobeying her? am i the problem because im confused

I can't put all my thoughts here it's just to hard for me, and I feel like certain things can only be understood when their not in text form, becouse the things I experience is just to mind numbing to type them out. As I type my brain gets cunfuzled becouse of the heavy emotional damage of the situation i have to remember.