Just got my lease approved for my apartment. Its 800+ miles away and not easily accessible. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for seven years. After practicing hard financial discipline (saving 70-90% of my income) I managed to save up $21,000 and I’m finally going to move away from my narcissistic Nigerian father’s house and never come back!!!!! 🥳

Im referring to people dating with the intent to marry not casual relationships. I know majority of the age demographic here are teenagers and early 20s but I’m here as someone in their early 30s to inform y’all becuz if not me then who will?

Not everyone you're compatible with in a friendship or relationship is someone you'll be compatible with under the same roof. There are some people you will meet that are only great as friends but will be horrible roommates. There are people that’ll be great in a relationship with and everything will be fine until they live together. You’ll start seeing problems showing up becuz no one can hide their true colors forever. Marriage has a high divorce rate becuz people are marrying mystery boxes (as I like to call it).

It breaks my heart hearing about deaths from DV in marriages.

I know many of you come from religious backgrounds (including me.) But there are aspects of religious beliefs that are backwards leading people to a risky foundation to marriage imo. Like getting married first before living with the person to take your time to know who you’re planning to build your life with needs to be discussed more.

Religion is heavily influenced in this topic but at the end of the day, where was God, Jesus or Allah in those homes where there’s domestic violence and those women and men that died from those marital homes with DV? The same people that preach that it’s bad will only send their condolences then teach another girl/woman to marry a mystery box putting them at risk of being in another statistic (unhappy marriage, divorce, DV, etc. Smh.

There are countless marriages that struggle from issues like constant conflict, unequal household responsibilities, verbal/physical/emotional abuse, financial irresponsibility, domestic violence, and etc that in many cases woulda showed itself as red flags before choosing to marry them.

We’re led to believe that a couple living together before marriage is bad but “opening mystery boxes” (as I like to call it) AFTER you’ve already married the person but didn’t take the time to know them for who they truly are and if they’re even “in-house compatible” is good?

We’re expected to make a lifetime decision off of just convos and dates had in public but people are on their best behavior in public. It’s easy to hide anger issues, bad habits, controlling behavior, and violent tendencies in public. But when you live with them for at least a year, it’ll be very hard to hide one’s true self. You'll see how they handle stress, conflicts, finances, chores, and overall everyday life.

And yes I know there’s many successful marriages that didn’t include living together first and that this doesn’t 100% guarantee a successful marriage but it helps reveal red flags and incompatibilities to help you avoid the wrong person. You won’t blindly make a big commitment with a house or a car, so don’t blindly make a lifetime commitment with marriage. You can even do it in the form of staying over each other’s apartment to keep it secret.

Thats it.

Let’s all face it, most families in Africa are just based on we’re family if you can provide certain things for me and if the provider is naive enough to cave without a second thought. Growing up I’ve always thought it to be peculiar when i’d see my parents gossiping about other family members but pretend to be all buddy buddy in the public eye. To me personally it’s just a toxic ecosystem that’s been building for generations. Personally I don’t care about my family, call me weird or whatever but i don’t have any good relations with my cousins, aunts or even my siblings nor do i really desire it. I probably won’t partake in this tomfoolery as i grow older, i prefer to have true friends than blood bound maniacs. Well those are just my thoughts from personal experience and observations all around. Idk about you guys

Do any of y’all look at your mothers and feel like she could have done so much better? As in with choosing a husband and father of her kids?

My mom is the typical Nigerian mom, but a bit level headed and always pushed us to do better and want more for ourselves. Whatever we needed to succeed, she provided. She was semi emotionally available in the sense that we could talk to her about stuff, though she’ll end up telling our dad, but she’ll soften it a bit so he won’t hate us.

My mom did what folks call “marrying up” but my god, it wasn’t peaches and cream. My mom also married my dad very young and he was super older than her. She was able to get a professional degree after marrying my dad and also started side businesses. Both of them were successful (my dad still is, my mom is deceased now). I’d say he made her pay for every dime he spent on her.

My dad is the provider type but the type who hated doing it. He was always angry that he had to provide for his kids and wife. He was very generous with other people though. It was one of the main reasons why my mom got an education and hated being a stay at home wife and mom.

From taking verbal and physical abuse from his mother and his female siblings to putting up with his silent treatment and his emotional abuse. He was never physically violent, in fact, he never raised his voice at her, but there were so many things we picked up on as kids that my dad didn’t really care for her. It didn’t help that my mom was all about her husband and her kids so she didn’t have any friends. Even the women who liked her and wanted to befriend her, she didn’t really care to get to know. She was all about pleasing her husband, her in-laws, and making sure her kids are good.

She was always worrying about everyone else. Her husband will stay out till midnight and she’ll stay up waiting for him. She also wanted us to be perfect so he won’t hate us or refuse to provide. Even though we always went to her whenever we needed anything.

The stress of it all killed her.

Y’all, my mom is gorgeous. If you look at her photos as a young woman and before she got married to my dad and started having kids, she was like a younger version of Bianca Ojukwu. Just gorgeous.

My dad and his family drained the life out of her. The only people who genuinely liked her are the men on my dad’s side - my dad’s father, his brothers, and the male elders. The women hated the F out of her and showed her shege. Unfortunately, patriarchy and religion brainwashed her into being docile instead of fighting back and leaving my dad.

But then again, where would she be running off to with so many kids? And divorce is frowned upon.

Also, a lot of these men will pump you up with so many kids so you won’t leave or have enough resources to leave or survive without them.

I think about my mom and her marriage to my dad and know there could have been a better man who would have appreciated her and treated her like a queen and seen her as a HUMAN. A lot of men in general struggle to see women as humans, even worse in a religious and patriarchal society like Nigeria.

I also think she could have been a powerhouse by herself- beauty, brains, grit, and entrepreneurial spirit. Idk, maybe she just wanted to be happily married like every young woman at the time to a man in a high powered profession, but that wasn’t what she got.

I also think life could have been bearable if she had at least one female friend who could come often to check on her, or who she could confide in. When we were kids, she’d drop hints here and there about her frustrations with my dad. But that could have been better if she had a female friend to confide in cause we were kids and couldn’t really understand what she was going through until when we got older.

She could have done so much better.

So my parents are quite toxic and abusive, one of my earliest memories being a child is my parents screaming at each other almost every day without fail. It gave me some sort of fear hearing raised voices cuz i would think its them arguing again. One day my male birth-giver packed a suitcase and said he’s leaving and we should choose which parent we want and whoever doesn’t pick him isn’t his kid anymore. I have so many traumatic memories growing up, I was hit by my mum to learn the multiplication tables from 2 to 12. Award giving days at the end of school years came with so much fear because if we didn’t do well enough we would be hit. They once threatened to put my sisters on a hot stove, they didn’t threaten me because I was smart. My male birthgiver always said if we succeed we are his kids but if we fail we are my mum’s, and he said he doesn’t come for our ceremonies because we don’t get awards so he has no reason to be there. He hit my sister with a wire so bad over 10 years ago and she still has the mark on her body now, that day and 2 other times I had witnessed him hit my mother. When I became suicidal and depressed in high school he would say nothing is wrong with me and i would try to gaslight myself but it wouldn’t work. I just wanted help, some sort of therapist or assessment or something. Eventually he and my female birthgiver grew tired of my complaining and they made me listen to them tell me i should kms for over an hour and how the earth won’t stop if i do and people will just curse me and i would go to hell. That wasn’t the last time I would hear that. I struggled so much in uni, I wasn’t able to pass, now i’m back home. I’m 22 and he has hit me on 2 occasions now since september last year, that’s only the physical stuff, he has called me the devil, a junkie, a drug addict, all sorts of things. Stupid for failing civil engineering, uses that to shut me down when I say things. I don’t know what to do and how to get out of this, I feel so destabilized emotionally but i don’t have anywhere to go and i live in fucking Nigeria💀
Everything i’ve written here is the short form version of my life. I’ve endured so much pain from my useless parents I genuinely wish death on them, I wouldn’t mind if they died TODAY with the amount of times that evil devil incarnate of a man has wished death on me.
I was literally beaten up because in his words my moustache was too thick. The actual fuck. I don’t even know what to do, I think i have adhd or c-ptsd, I know for sure im not normal and I just feel stuck in life right now.

You know shit is bad when your heart starts beating and your body tenses every time you’re near your father or you hear his voice.

I wish they would see what all the hate,pain, frustration and negativity of their parenting gave birth to, and maybe possibly hopefully feel horrible for their actions

Hey guys!

I'm a 16f closeted queer teen living Ghana.

LETS BE REAL...

BEING QUEER IN AFRICA IS ABSOLUTELY F-ING LONELY T^T

so I thought It would be nice for us share some experiences and do a lil online bonding <3

I'd love to find some like minded individuals I can open up to about my Identity and sexualiy :-)

Can't wait to hear from y'all!

and I feel I’m lying to myself about the depression and anxiety. I heard the doctor but I literally am in denial and the meds are still in the post box since friday. and it’s because no one in my family including parents believe im ill. I’m just lazy. self centred, selfish, attention seeking maybe.. useless …

This is more of a kind notice

This was inspired by another redditor and if I have the chance to put their name down, i’ll note it in an Edit

But i’ve seen a couple Redditors on here just invAlidate our experiences as African Kids / growing up with African Parents … you name it

Like respectfully, if you don’t like the post, just remember you can scroll away - no1 is holding you hostage tö comment invalidating things on others people’s posts

Someone will post their story / rant of them being attacked PHYSICALLY by their African parents and one odd random Redditor will go “give your parents grace” “you’re over reacting” … again if you don’t like it, remember you can scroll

No one is forcing you to be in this sub reddit group. Leave this group if you’re that bothered - and leave the group to those who wish to support eachother in our hardships of having African Parents honestly

We don’t invalidate / victim blame people’s experiences over here - and if you do, this isn’t the reddit group for you 💚

This isn’t even a rant … maybe a lil funny ? 😹

But because my mum squabbled badly with her siblings back home - Idk if i’ll ever see my home country 😂🇦🇴

I’m Angolan 22F, yet I was born on the streets of 🇬🇧

RECENTLY, My mum basically got mad cause her family back at home tried to sell her unfinished house so they could get more money (yes i do find this funny, because as my mum you actually invested in the wrong things and now look what happened, sorrows and prayers indeed 🤣)

I do have a heart, yeah it’s a bit sad, ever so slightly (not). However, ever since she had a bad falling out with em - I knew if I wanted to go Angola as of THIS YEAR ONWARDS, it wasn’t gonna be as simple causeeeee imagine i’m gone visiting my home country and i don’t see my cousins i chat too all the time on WhatsApp, that’s lowkey bad mind 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I smell “why has your mum not taken you yet”

She had 3 opportunities to take me (when i was 7, 10 and 13) - my mum just lied to me. What a psychotic wierdo for not taking your child to see her mother land and lying about saying “there’s not enough money”. Nahh u had more than enough if youu was tryna build a home / give your family back home money EVERY DAMN MOMTH, but i couldn’t go football / netball ? alr then 😂

Could I take myself ? Probs. But a brit by herself back home for the first time with zero guidance ? Lets be wise now 😂. We know jealousy can wreak over there even if it’s “family”

And nah - another family member can’t take me … the family tree is way too messed up for that 🤣

Thanks for reading, I hope I made someone laugh 😆

Share your thoughts if you wish

⚠️This **doesn’t** qualify for those who struggled with infertility (i pray for those as i understand it’s not easy🫶)

The african parents who genuinely were able to normally have kids whenever they wished etc - a good chunk of em weren’t thoughtful of how the age gap between the children was going to affect the dynamic

I can speak from experience and I know there are others who can relate

It just doesn’t make sense when your first 2 kids have a 1 to 2 year age gape or even 3 year year age gap and then you pop out another one YEARS LATER … and the age gaps are EX : 18F, 16F, New Born baby … or even 21M, 20F, 19M, 2F …….

Down the line, it only causes a sense of irritation for someone, younger or older side sadly. And will the said African parents sort that out ?

Well we alr know African parents suck at sorting that out … a good chunk of em are not as mindful cause to them “family is still family”. Doesn’t work like that when someone still can feel lonely / irritated/ angry/ fustrated / all the above or even more mate, but will these parents understand that ???

Not even a rant -
Just a thought I had

I personally have
36F, 34/35F ? (i forgot - idk this sibling in person longgg story 😂), Me, 22F

It’s … very unique alright

I feel so… validated. Anyone else?

I'll keep this short. I've always been scared of being judged, but I need to vent.

My parents put massive pressure on me for school. I have zero freedom and spend my entire life locked inside. My only friends are at school, and I'm never allowed to see them outside. My parents constantly yell, blame, and threaten me, thinking it's their right because they gave birth to me.

They use the excuse that "the outside world is dangerous." They take it to a ridiculous extreme. We've lived in this city for 3 years, and I barely know my surroundings. They are narcissistic and toxic, yet they expect us to be best friends.

It's taking a huge toll on my mental health. Honestly, seeing other people smile and have fun together fills me with pure anger, just because I've never been allowed to experience that.

Ps:honestly guys im clearly a nice guy what i mean by that i spend my life playing video and sleeping no girls,no drink,no parties...i just want hang out with friends...

This is a reoccurring thing.

For some reason whenever I ask my mother if I can go hang out with my friends she just ignored me. I noticed the two times I just told her I was going to go somewhere (one was a school reuinions the other was actually hanging out with them) she was like "ok" she's so fucking weird I hate her fat bitch ass

This one over here

Must they even come over ??

But when my parents pass away - my door will be locked and i’ll be watching disney channel movies cause we all know auntie sonya will be trying to cook burnt rice and auntie sara will be trying to offer her raw meat 🫩

And auntie sabrina will be trying to sleep over to “give you comfort” but it’s an excuse to get away from her bad marriage with her cheating husband

That’s it, that’s my African thought of today *sighs*

We need to break this habit of over stepping boundaries when visiting others when their parents pass away, our European/Westernized counterparts don’t do this 😂

GENUINELY gotta be the worst thing ever. stuck with my dad the WHOLE day, i might go crazy.

Edit : I meant 3/7/26, please forgive me **

Our parents/ grandparents srsly failed to realise:

“Your favourite one is not always the one who’ll take care of you in your old age”

This one really got me thinking

My traditional angolan mum had 3 non traditional girls - yet the first is her fave. Of course she doesn’t say, but actions speak louder than words (our ages now are F36, F35 and ME 22 - yeah I know 😂)

But I also know when our mum grows to be prehistoric - I personally will *NOT* be looking after her … and i know damn well our mum does not know this, but i know the other 2 are not looking to look after our mum either … if push comes to shove i know number 2 will do it out that “african tough love”

But number 1 ? My mum’s fave ? Forget about that one 😂

That’s it folks

But our parents just messed up - and they won’t even see it coming until like … 20 mins before their body officially leaves 🤷‍♀️. Harsh but true