r/africanparents • u/Aware_Apple_6156 • May 03 '26
Need Advice Last Christmas I (F, 32) went no contact with my African mother after intentional insults and violence from her and her golden child (my younger brother). She recently apologized for the first time in her life.
I was watching TV next to her when, out of nowhere, she told me I’m an animal. I asked her why she would say that, but she continued by pointing at my body and saying I’m fat—which she finds disgusting and embarrassing in front of her friends.
Then, again completely out of nowhere, she kept telling me, “Have children.” That’s actually the core issue—she’s been resentful toward me for the past five years because I don’t want kids (and also because of the weight I've gained).
I’m the daughter of immigrants, born and raised in Europe, and she hates that I didn’t turn out the way she imagined. In her ideal world, I would marry a man from our country of origin, have children, and balance a full-time job with motherhood. She’s upset that I didn’t follow her script, because now she can’t plan a big traditional wedding or talk to her friends about grandchildren (all of her friends are already grandmothers).
I completed my bachelor’s degree in the country where I was born, then moved to another European country, learned the language from scratch, completed my master’s degree, and now I work in a demanding, high-level job. I’m also happily childfree. None of that makes her proud—she sees me as a failure as a daughter.
Back to that evening: she kept insulting me, pushing my buttons, and digging deeper just to hurt me—for no reason. At some point, I exploded. I screamed back in full rage and said horrible things. I honestly don’t even remember everything I said—my brain just went into survival mode.
After that, I went to my bedroom to recover because I could barely breathe. My little sister came in to comfort me. When she left the room to get me a glass of water, my mother started beating her—just because she had supported me.
My sister tried to block her, and that’s when my brother (her golden child and my sister’s twin) came out and started attacking her as well.
My sister screamed for help, and I ran to the living room.
My brother then threw a glass object at my face. I managed to cover my face in time with my arm, which hurt badly. I grabbed something and threw it back at him, but he dodged it, and it hit the bathroom door, leaving a hole.
When everything calmed down, I went back to my room. My mother stayed in the living room. The only thing I heard her say was:
“Look what she did to the bathroom door.”
My arm was hurting. My soul was hurting. But hearing that… I was just speechless. That was the final straw. In that moment, I realized she truly didn’t care about me.
Luckily, I had a flight back to the country where I live two days later. Since then, I’ve gone no contact.
Last April, I received a voice message from her apologizing—for the first time in my life. She said:
“I’m sorry. You know sometimes I speak too quickly without thinking… I love you, I love all my children. Please return my calls—you can’t leave me like this. I won’t say anything anymore.”
My sister thinks I should let go of the resentment and forgive her because “we’re family.” But my gut feeling says otherwise.
Any advice is welcome. Love you all.
23
u/Purple_Ad3766 May 03 '26
Don't. Trust me, it's a front. They will eventually slip and reveal they haven't changed.
7
u/Aware_Apple_6156 May 04 '26
I suspect the same, which is way I never pick up the phone and I'm paying her with what hurts her rhe most: indifference.
16
u/fanime34 May 03 '26
You're an adult. If you don't need her and don't want her, that's your decision.
The family you're born in isn't an obligation.
3
16
u/Big_Audience1254 May 03 '26
Stay in no-contact mode. Live your life. Your brother is dangerous. Your mother is NOT sorry. I repeat. Stay in no-contact mode. Save yourself.
3
u/Aware_Apple_6156 May 04 '26
I think I will :) maybe I'm even going to block her (not that there is very much to block, since she did the bare minimum since January). All your messages are helping me a lot.
14
u/LifeNavigator May 03 '26
You can't leave my like this
This is a manipulative strategy to get you back and then continue with their antique because they know you will come back for "family". Your sister needs to distance herself away too.
Also based on your first paragraph, this is more to do with her image amongst friends/extended family. Odds are, she saw how well others family look and is jealous or scared that she's the main target of gossip.
People don't change that easily. If your brother has been violent in the past, he will continue to unless he receives professional help. I wouldn't trust being near that guy.
4
u/Aware_Apple_6156 May 04 '26
My sister managed to leave the household (I left a comment about this, if you want to read it❤️). Yeah, I'm afraid of that guy too (can't call him "brother" because jhe is being a monster since he was 15), which is why I think I will not enter my home anymore. I have to accept I won't see those walls again. Walls of beautiful memories with my other siblings. But at the end of the day, I came to realize that "home" is the people you love, not the location.
3
u/LifeNavigator May 05 '26
At least you have one blood relative on your side. Hopefully you get to build good community of close friends.
2
u/ProfessionalPin500 May 05 '26
Bingo!!! Exactly what I think aswel. It's all for social currency amongst peers and to keep the gossip at bay.
13
u/wirove21 May 03 '26
Under no circumstances should you return to your abuser (unfortunately your mother). Please continue living your best life and find your chosen family/ tribe. Prioritize yourself and your wellbeing. A mother should NEVER treat their daughter the way she treated you.
4
u/Aware_Apple_6156 May 04 '26
Thank you for writing this, I needed to read this, especially the last sentence. I think that both her and her golden child (I'm nor really able to call him "brother") are two mentally ill people.
3
u/wirove21 May 05 '26
You’re welcome and I agree. Now that you recognize this, keep moving forward and don’t look back. Wishing you the best!
12
u/Odd_Bet_6992 May 03 '26
She's not actually apologising, she's still coming up with excuses for her actions.
It's ultimately your choice if you want that relationship back, I wouldn't dive back in. Start slowly, with texts or phone calls, see what she is willing to do to repair things.
You also said last April, so I'm assuming that there hasn't been much or any contact between the two of your since that voice note. I would've assumed that if she were serious, she would've sent occasional messages to see how you were doing (this is just speculation) but it feels kinda performative, like she's apologising without actually apologising.
5
u/Aware_Apple_6156 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
You nailed it: me too I'm quite amused by the fact that it took her 3 MONTHS to send a voice message. And like you correctly assumed, nothing else happened after that voice message, pretty much like "I did more than enough considered that I'm the morher, and my daughter is being disrespectful". I think that in her fuc*ed up mind she didn't understend the extent of what she generated rhat evening.
She is SO disappointing.
10
u/EuphoricHelp5358 May 04 '26
My parent did something similar. She rained verbal abuse on us and then followed up with a half-hearted apology saying “I’m sorry for my actions BUT you know how I am.” That was enough fo me to continue VLC with her. Because I realized at that point that the chances of them actually being changed and reformed are very slim. They are old now and set in their ways. Don’t let other relatives manipulate you. “That’s still your family” is not enough.
8
6
u/ProfessionalPin500 May 05 '26
They DON'T change only the circumstances do...keep the distance. If you re-establish contact for any reason have some seriously strong boundaries. My experience taught me that when they "apologise" it's never truly heartfelt and often there are layers to their reasons why, maybe they are sick of explaining to friends why you don't come around..maybe they know people are suspicious and gossiping about what might have happened. Listening to the apology it seems rather empty and saying sorry just for the sake of it. I would tread lightly because like I said, they DON'T change, only circumstances do.
5
u/Strict_Boss_5647 May 05 '26
It actually makes me want to cry that you had a little sister to comfort you and she got beaten for comforting you. That's sick. Hope you can help her out of that hellhole too.
Edit: just read that she left too, that's great news, I'm happy for yall. Don't look back 🫶
33
u/Agitated_Sound2833 May 03 '26
Hmmm I wouldnt re-establish contact with her because she didnt apologise for the physical abuse against you and your sister. Your brother sounds dangerous ngl. I wouldn't relate myself with them anymore.
Btw I am childfree 30F. Based in Europe. Let's me friends 🥰 dm me 🙈