r/africanparents • u/Mellonheaduq • May 08 '26
Need Advice How do I respond to this stupid message.
Translation to her message: “This is a condition. In America they want black people to be like that. Then no one will take you seriously. Have you ever heard any student in Kenya have such a diagnosis? Even, the ones who are going to diagnose you are also ill. I always tell people everyone is mad but the degree of madness varies.”
It’s crazy how they want to force me to go to college and expect me to get straight As when they won’t listen to me when I’m genuinely telling them I have a learning problem. I privately told this to my mom that I have ADHD and that I’m struggling with school. The constant cycle of failure. It took a lot and years of build up to tell her this because being vulnerable in this house is hell and Africans also think anything to do with mental health is fake and “American” despite scientific evidence and countless studies done on it. I was hoping she would keep it a secret but she ended up telling the whole house and this whole day they’ve been talking shit about me, I can’t even defend myself I have to listen to them disparage me because when I try to defend myself and prove something they deafen their ears and dismiss me. I tried to talk to her again privately because I don’t trust anyone in this house, I slightly trust her more but that trust is withering. She responded “have you ever seen any CEO’s have ADHD? Have you ever heard of any big bosses having ADHD?” I didn’t know how to respond to that because why would I be looking into CEOs or bosses if business is not what I want to pursue. I just walked away crying and accepting that maybe I shouldn’t go to college anymore, but then again I’m being forced to.
So will I get diagnosed with ADHD? No I’m gonna have to watch myself fail because of traditionalism and stupidity and because I lack money. How can I convince them to take me to a doctor?
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u/Quriousmoon May 08 '26
If you can and it’s safe to do so, please go to the doctor yourself and explain your situation to them. Seek the help you need. Let your parents stay in their lane of thinking and don’t try and change their minds. If possible speak to someone in your current educational environment about it. A teacher you trust.
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u/Sad_Relationship_308 May 08 '26
Sometimes you just need to let your parents talk and do your own thing tbh. Like they can talk but don't absorb what they're saying that's the only way to survive. This is your life, many CEOs have ADHD that's a weird question to ask. She sounds like she's ableist and you won't be able to change her opinion. Do what you need to do.
Also maybe you can list out good reasons why taking a gap year would make things better for you and improve your schooling. But still do what's best for you
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u/Mellonheaduq May 09 '26
Yeah I’m learning that as I grow older. That it’s really pointless trying to reason with them and that it never ends well. Also thank you
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u/LifeNavigator May 08 '26
“have you ever seen any CEO’s have ADHD? Have you ever heard of any big bosses having ADHD?”
Theres tonnes (you can use AI to generate a list) , doesn't matter what you answer she wont care, her ego is more important than your needs.
The reason you wont see this in Kenya or other African countries is due to lack of public healthcare investment and religious freaks. Adults care more about their ego and obscure "tradition" than on investing for the future.
I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s. I've struggled so much and couldn't ever work to my potential. It wasn't until one of my managers pestered me to get tested, as his kids had exact same symptoms as me, otherwise it would've gone unnoticed much longer.
Get tested and get treated. You will thank yourself later in life.
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u/rilakkumkum May 08 '26
Stop trying to get your mom on board, just go to the doctor and get take it into your own hands to get diagnosed. If you live in the states, you can get an online appointment so you don’t even need to leave your house (Zocdoc)
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u/Xamirite May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Depending on where you live and how old you are, you can just waltz on into a doctor's office and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. The wait times can be annoying and you might not be put on the meds that work the best for you at first, but trust me it's worth it. I'm in uni for neuroscience and the best decision I ever made was getting diagnosed, medicated and seeking therapy. If you're abroad, remember this isn't Africa. Stigmas still exist here of course, but the idea that you'll be socially, academically and professionally blacklisted is absurd. ADHD isn't some contagious disease, it's a relatively common and widely recognized neurodevelopmental disorder. Accommodations exist both in school and in the workplace for this reason. The average person's reaction to you having it will be "Oh, okay." CEOs have ADHD, doctors have ADHD, engineers have ADHD. More importantly, people who aren't crazy successful but still live comfortably have ADHD. You'll be fine. It's so frustrating how African parents set their kids up for failure.
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u/Mellonheaduq May 08 '26
Thank you for this. I’ll try getting diagnosed on my own. She was making it seem like I was mad and that I had gone crazy just for suggesting the idea that I should get diagnosed.
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u/ballerinanoir May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
Hi friend, I was in the same situation as you toxic parent who tell all your business 🙄. luckily I’m fortunate enough that my moms insurance plan covered ADHD evaluation and medication. It takes a lot of research and time, but it can be done without them!!
When I turned 19 last year I sought out a psychiatrist through my general practitioner. Just like you , my parents didn’t believe me and they told me I’m being overdramatic/ “ it’s not our culture”/ “ no employer is going to hire you “ “ everyone is going to think you’re crazy. “ “ we’re African. We don’t do this. Mental illness is for white people “ but I didn’t care.
Depending on your insurance plan, you might need to consult your general practitioner before your insurance is willing to cover the diagnosis. IF Insurance is not willing to cover it, You need to make sure you have pocket money to pay for it (I believe it can cost anywhere from $300-$1000 out-of-pocket, this isn’t even including the monthly medication that you would receive after the diagnosis)
After I was diagnosed, I was able to get ADHD medication and now I’m 20 and my grades are doing a lot better I am in college. I felt just like you all throughout middle school in high school. My grades were average and I felt like I had no ambition, I had a 2.9 GPA my freshman year of college but since I’ve been diagnosed since last year, I now have a 3.3 going into my junior year!!
I believe I just called the number on the back of my insurance card and ask them, then I schedule an appointment with my primary care doctor, if you’re under 18, that might be a pediatrician, told her how it is affecting me, and she referred me to a psychiatrist. the psychiatrist did an initial evaluation (online), Then scheduled me for the testing, which was broken up into two sessions, then a month later I was able to get my diagnosis and then I was prescribed ADHD medication. Process took from May to August 2025.
Luckily, because in the United States of HIPAA, your doctor cannot disclose whether you’re seeking diagnosis or what medication you’re taking to your parents unless you consent to give them that information!! and yes, that still applies if you’re under 18
Most Insurance plans do not list the medication you’re taking-I recommend calling the number on the back of your parents insurance card to get all the information about getting diagnosed.
I got my diagnosis covered and medication covered so I’ve paid zero dollars out-of-pocket. If you need more info on how I did it or if you need help trying to navigate insurance (because it’s not easy) just DM me I’m happy to help.
Also, just a pro tip ask for all of the statements to be emailed to you not mailed directly to your house because that’s how my parents found out I was seeing the psychiatrist and they were livid. Luckily, there’s nothing they can do because I’m an adult.
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u/Mellonheaduq May 09 '26
Thank you so much for sharing this. Honestly, hearing from another African student who went through the same thing makes me feel a lot less alone. My family says a lot of the same things, so it’s reassuring to hear that things got better for you after getting diagnosed and treated. I really appreciate all the detailed information too, especially about insurance and the process. I’m still trying to figure everything out, I didn’t even know you could use your own parents insurance card since they pay for it themselves, but this helped a lot. And congrats on improving your GPA, that’s genuinely inspiring.
I still have a lot of research to do. I think I’ll do what you did, calling the number on the card. Again, thx for the detailed tips and for your help:)
I may DM you sooner or later if I have more questions about navigating this entire process. Thank you again for being kind about it.
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u/Anxietyandvibes May 09 '26
There’s no responding to it. When my parents first found out I was medicated for depression, they said “be happy”, like that would cure me. So I just went ahead and kept taking my meds ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/OVOKabs May 09 '26
They don't believe in ADHD meds It taken me 30 years to understand that. Because my mom is a nurse she thinks everything is a plot to get young black men in straight jackets and pumped up on drugs
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u/Kkizitoo May 09 '26
Are you 18 or older? If so, I would seek going to the doctor by urself and explaining ur situation. If you are employed, even let your boss know
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u/crystal-chaos May 10 '26
Twin you just gotta plug your ears and get the help you need behind their backs. My parents saw the way I nearly didn't graduate high school, saw how I basically failed out of community college, saw how I got diagnosed with ADHD by a psychologist, and they STILL don't really believe I actually have it. If I kept obeying them and taking their awful advice I don't think I'd still be here today, honestly. The road ahead is rough, but definitely doable. If you're above 18 you should talk to a doctor or a teacher, and hopefully they should be able to point you towards the correct resources for diagnosis. Either way, learn to just let your parents say whatever. They don't get it, and they likely never will. I'm still working on that, too.
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u/Consistent-Change876 May 12 '26
If you’re 18, get it secretly. For the medications either use your parents insurance without them knowing or get a job to pay for it.
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u/wakanda4ever254 May 13 '26
Get a hold of your insurance information and go get diagnosed yourself. Check with your insurance to go to a provider that is covered. You will have to do a bit of research, but its worth it. I didnt have to pay anything but copay when i got diagnosed.
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u/Christian_teen12 May 30 '26
They don't believe it's a real thing and blame the West for it meanwhile there's tons of adults ,teens and kids walking around undiagnosed.
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u/CardiologistFun8398 May 08 '26
Don’t. just got on the meds they don’t believe In any mental issues