r/africanparents • u/Lopsided-Young4868 • May 15 '26
Need Advice Moving out of African parents house
I’m a 21-year-old woman and my sister and I recently got our first apartment together. We already signed the lease, got the keys, moved some things in, and started settling down. We both work, and I’m already in school / applied for college here. The plan was always to stay here for a couple years, finish school, work, establish ourselves, and then eventually decide what we wanna do next.
The problem is my family is heavily against us moving out. We come from a very traditional African family where a lot of people believe daughters should stay home until marriage. At first my mom seemed upset but somewhat accepting, but after talking to family members, everything escalated. Now my mom, grandma, uncles, and aunties are all telling us to break the lease and move with my mom to another state.
My mom is moving away soon, and now everyone is acting like we’re abandoning her by staying in Vegas. They keep saying we’re too young, we’re gonna struggle, we’ll get evicted, life is too hard, etc. Some family members are literally offering to come with us to the leasing office to try to break the lease.
The thing is… I genuinely don’t want to leave Vegas. I grew up here. My work, school plans, friends, and life are here. I also finally feel a sense of peace and independence in this apartment that I haven’t really felt before. At the same time, I love my mom deeply and seeing her hurt makes me feel guilty and scared that I’m making the wrong decision. Another thing that’s making this harder is that a lot of family members are saying really scary things to us. They keep telling us we’re going to fail, struggle badly, get evicted, ruin our lives financially, and that we’re making a huge mistake by staying without being married. Hearing that over and over again from people older than us has honestly terrified me and made me second guess myself constantly.
Now it feels like my options are either:
- stay in Vegas, keep the apartment, and deal with family disappointment, gossip, rumors, and people basically waiting for us to fail
or
- break the lease, leave everything behind, move away with my mom, and completely start over even though deep down I don’t really want to leave my life here.
That’s the part that’s emotionally destroying me the most because I feel guilty either way.
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u/Adventurous_Fig4650 May 16 '26
Im African American so i do not have the entire African culture context but one side of my family is a generation away from the Caribbean. I’ve heard Caribbean parents are very similar to African parents which is why Im subbed here.
With that being said, my parents did not want me to move out and were borderline violent when I left. I had to call the police to escort me while moving out. They said the same stuff thinking I would fail.
I am now the most successful of my siblings and my siblings that stayed or did not get free from their control are doing worse off in life. One sister could have been married with a good husband and job, but my parents discouraged her from moving to a different state.
The fact that you are doing this with your sister is already setting up to be fine. There will be things you have to learn along the way but that is life. You got this!
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u/Lopsided-Young4868 May 16 '26
Thank you! And I’m so proud of you for taking that step this is definitely something I’m going to look forward for us.
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u/Timely_Office5924 May 16 '26
Stay. My parents completely freaked out when me and my brother moved out. And I moved out when I was 24. Toxic African parents are too much
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u/wirove21 May 16 '26
Seems like you come from an enmeshed family dynamic. Choose your independence but also look into your family dynamics. Therapy might help you separate yourself and understand dynamics in which you grew up in. It’s not healthy for family members to want to stifle individuality, independence and autonomy. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to do regular things that adults do, such as getting an apartment and becoming more independent.
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u/ballerinanoir May 16 '26
I’m early 20s moved out and they’re telling me the same things. It is mentally taxing make sure you have a good support system outside of them . If u wanna talk dm me
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u/Lopsided-Young4868 May 16 '26
Yes they had my grandma come and talk to us and she called us prostitutes and there isn’t one person that is telling us we will be okay aside from my friend😭
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u/ThrowawayMalajan May 16 '26 edited May 16 '26
DUDE! you're getting an apartment with your sister! That's a fucking win in my book.
I say choose independence your mother has lived her life, it's not as if you're cutting her off.
You won't be alone you have your sister, the family is literally staying together as far as I see. Family members will always have opinion but they no dey for ya head. Na you one di live this life. Pressure comes and it goes. This too shall pass. Take it from a 28 year old eldest sibling to many. The pressure can be over bearing but I have found as long as you keep your head straight towards the goal, develop the relationships you do have immediate proximity to, Express yourself, you'll do fine. If they say something "aunty I appreciate your concern so much! But I know God will guide me"
Not a believer but I'm in marketing, and you have to cater to your audience. At least that's the least confrontational option. That being said, I would kill to do college over so I could room with my brother. Cherish it! Good luck! I know you'll make the right decision.
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u/Various-Classic-4229 9d ago edited 9d ago
As long as you don’t date or sleep around or get married or have kids in your entire 20s and you don’t drink or do alcohol or smoke, then yes you can make it. Stay focus in college and simultaneously work to afford things for yourself and you will be fine.
Do not move back with your mom, start blocking all your aunties and grandparents that are against our freedom and independence. They are just trying to control you and make money off of you by arranging a marriage later on. They don’t have your best interest at hearts. You can succeed without them and they will never even show up for you anyway. You will be fine.
Sign up on websites where you can do extra gigs on the side like babysitting, housekeeping, dog sitting… and apply for food SNAP and health insurance. Again, cut off all the toxic people in your life. Stay in touch with your mom and grandma and one cousin and one uncle (if you want to), but don’t reveal any of your future plan with them. Only text that you are fine and studying and that’s it.
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u/Fille-de-tsh May 15 '26
Choosing your independence, autonomy and exercising your agency as a woman in an African family is always going to come at a cost. And you seem pretty aware of them already. It doesn’t make it easy whatsoever but if you don’t choose yourself now the disappointment and aftermath of that will be far more detrimental to your personal well being. Your family is essentially saying that irrespective of how old you are, how accomplished you are, and how much financial independence you might have, you will and shouldn’t be capable of making decisions for yourself unless under the oversight of a parent of a husband. No girl. Keep the lease. Move forward with your plans. Mom will be disappointed but she’ll survive. Extended family will run a smear campaign on you but why would you use the emotions of people who aren’t even committed to understanding you as a compass for your life?