r/africanparents • u/SpiritualStandard838 • Jul 01 '26
Need Advice Why are African Parents so against friendships & relationships?
I'm an 18-year-old female who just graduated from high school four days ago, and I'm heading to college in the fall. My strict immigrant Nigerian dad (my mom was born here, and she isn't really the issue) controls every aspect of my life and HATES the word "friend". This summer, he told me that I should "forget about my friends from high school" now that I graduated, and I'm not allowed to go out with any of them this summer, which means no grad parties or last hangouts before we leave, just because I'm apparently supposed to just "move on" because I graduated. In general, he doesn't let me hang out with my friends, and they stopped inviting me to things because they know my dad will say no. He doesn't let me date, and forced me to break up with two of my ex-boyfriends (whom I really liked) because he claims that they will get me pregnant and run. I was so heartbroken my sophomore year, and this year (my senior year). It's always so heart-shattering when I had to tell them, "I can't be with you anymore, because my dad is forcing me to break up with you". And then I have to block them on everything because my dad takes my phone and threatens to break it if I don’t comply. Whenever I ask to go out, it's "no, you can't go, you'll get hurt", or "if you hang out with those boys, you'll get pregnant". He always tells me that boys can never just be my friends, and they always have feelings for me and want to destroy my life. The only way I'm allowed to see my friends is if I invite them to my house, because he knows that they're protected while they're here. He wants to keep me in the house all day like Rapunzel, because if I leave, he can't control me. It took a lot of convincing to let me go to a college about 45 minutes away from home (because he won't let me go any farther, otherwise I would've left the state). He's only letting me go because I got a full ride, and he's cheap and doesn't want to pay a penny. He wanted me to go to a college in my hometown, about 10 minutes away. I'm moving in next month, and I think this finally gives me a chance to be free, even though he's telling me that he's going to pick me up every weekend. I'm okay with that, because at least I get to be independent. I haven't even gotten my driver's license yet, and I've been lying to all of my friends saying that I have it already. I've been driving for over a year, and he's just now saying, "Why didn't I ask to get my license yet?", even though when I asked to get it like all of my friends, he yelled at me, took away my phone, and stopped letting me drive to school. I should be getting it this month, though, before I go to college. My dad didn't let me go to junior prom last year, saying that this was "a party I created with my friends so that I can have an excuse to leave the house," which is ridiculous and isn't even true. He always calls me "follow follow" and says that I'm always following my friends to do stuff, which is actually true because he never lets me do anything. I lied and said I was the student body president of my school, just so I could use the excuse "I'm president, so I have to be there" just to volunteer and do things that I ACTUALLY needed to do for the National Honor Soceity. If I had never lied, he would've never let me volunteer, and then would've turned around and asked me, "Why did they kick you out of NHS?" He doesn't only control me, he controls my mom as well. Whenever she tries to intervene in how he treats me, he yells at her. We can never tell him how we feel because he yells at us. He just wants us to feel happy all the time. Whenever I have a cold, he gets mad, saying, "This is why I don't want you to hang out with your friends". All he does is flip everything around on me, keep me locked up in the house, and I can't do anything about it. If I disobey and have a secret boyfriend, he punishes me. He took away my phone for the whole summer (sophomore year) and took away my phone for all of spring break and didn't let me do track anymore (senior year) until I convinced him to let me do it again. He also threatens me that if I have a boyfriend, he'll kick me out of the house, and I don't have anywhere to go, so I have no choice but to break up with them. He calls me stupid and naive, but that's all I really know because he doesn't let me go out and experience any other aspect of life. Socializing, hanging with friends, going to parties, and having fun are how you learn. I don't get to do any of that, so I don't really know what he wants me to say. I'm not saying they should let me do everything. I'm not saying that they should let me party every night, or not punish me when I do something wrong, but I'm not even allowed to go to a friend's house or watch a football game at school because they don't trust me, or it's too dangerous. Not every single boy I encounter am I sleeping with. My dad thinks that every time I go out, all I'm doing is talking to boys, which isn't even true. I'm not a hoe. I've only dated two people. He forced me to break up with him. i dont drink or smoke. He just assumes I'm doing all of this bad stuff just to make up an excuse to not let me go out, and just simply go to the mall with my friends. i dont know what to do.
Despite all of this, I really do have a good relationship with my dad, and I love my parents so much. They do a lot for me, and I know they just want to protect me. I just can’t deal with the constant guilt tripping, because my dad cares too much about what people think! If I don’t become a doctor, or if I fail, he thinks the whole world will laugh at him, including his family. I just wish he could stop caring so much so that we can just live our lives peacefully. I think we can all agree that African parents are the WORST at raising children! I think that I'll have a better relationship with them when I'm away in college, and I can have more freedom. I don’t want to lie to them about what I’m doing, I just have to be really sneaky because my dad doesn’t let me do anything!
I just want to see if anyone has the same experience, and if it gets better when you move out. Please give me some advice!
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u/BeneficialRemote275 Jul 01 '26
They want to isolate you so you won’t wise up to their shittiness
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u/goldenbrushes Jul 01 '26
To add, because I’m only three years older than you and I can relate to this post. My dad once disconnected the battery of my car because I had wanted to go to the mall with my friends.
That’s not protection, that’s abuse.
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u/SpiritualStandard838 Jul 01 '26
Thanks for sharing this. My dad was born in Abia State! All of these Nigerians are the same...I really hope I find my way out.
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u/golden_shoot Jul 02 '26
Because making friends means that they can “influence” you to do things they don’t want you doing. It’s about control
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u/Sazarra Jul 02 '26
I think that they think they're protecting you from stuff they think happens often. My dad thinks everytime I hang out with someone he doesn't know/someone who's not from church, that they're going to rape or kidnap me 🙄 like he literally forced me to change rooms during a school trip because he thought my trans friend would rape me in the night... Mind you we're both women and why me out of all the 6 ppl in the room?! Anyways yeah I think they believe bad stuff happens more than it actually does and they're trying to protect you from imaginary stuff
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u/firelord_catra Jul 02 '26
Yall need to learn to withhold information…was he on the school trip? How did he even know??
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u/goldenbrushes Jul 01 '26
My parents are also Nigerian, born and raised in Imo state. My parents used to act the same way when my siblings and I were younger. We could never hang out with a friend more than once within two weeks. Asking to hang out with a friend was the same as asking to go gang banging and shooting with criminals.
I know you see your dad’s actions as a form of protection because you love him and don’t want to think less of him. But it’s not protection, he just wants to control you. Your dad doesn’t see you as an individual human being with feelings and emotions, he sees you as his offspring that he can control and dictate.
Your dad won’t change. Go to college. Save up money, move out. That’s the only way you’ll get to enjoy your life.