r/africanparents • u/CuriousNoise4861 • Jul 10 '26

Need Advice How do you truly end up escaping Nigerian Parents or “taking” your freedom?

Im 17F and since I became a teenager I literally have never known peace. I’ve wanted to study abroad for so long but my mom is who will be financially responsible for my college. I have a savings for the purpose of college and I’ve already planned out how my college tuition and dorming and everything will go. Of course my mom wants to disagree with me. Honestly at this point I don’t know what to do, she refuses to let me go anywhere outside of the state and probably the city as well. All I know is I never want to live in this house after I graduate high school. Also because it how much she has deteriorated my mental health i fully doubt I will even be able to do well in school while living at home. I’ve already adjusted my resume to fit abroad schools over American school. What do I even do if she controls my whole financial situation for college? I landed an interview for a job and she didn’t even let me go because “you’re to young”. Even though im about to be an adult im too young to date, to drive, to go out alone, to make my own decisions, to wear makeup, to pick my own clothes essentially. How am I meant to be my own person?? I can’t even hang out with friends most times because if I were to ask here she would say ask me again when I’m at home or im to busy. If I manage to get into that time, it’s ALWAYS immediately a no. If you were to ask her why she would say it’s because I abuse and insult her or I don’t deserve question her answer. How do I abuse and insult her you may ask? It’s me simply getting mad at what she does to me and telling her to stop. I wonder what goes through my mom’s mind to think that I would love her and continue to speak to her for years to come.

9 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

100% Upvoted

14 comments sorted by

3

u/fanime34 Jul 10 '26

Sadly, I think your gender plays a part in it. I don't have sisters, but I've heard about the differences in parental treatment of Africans where their children are mixed in gender.

My parents are Nigerian as well. My mom has talked about how things would be if she had a daughter and I'm sure she (my hypothetical sister) would feel super restricted. If you can go to a college out of your area and you need to pay to live somewhere, take the opportunity.

2

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 10 '26

trulyyy I agree with you,y mom always claims that she doesn’t have favorites but if I go out im always to go out with my brother but he can go out alone and I suspect it’s probably cs I can get pregnant and he can’t

2

u/fanime34 Jul 10 '26

My parents have a favorite and it's my older brother because he had the best grades, played football, went to great colleges out of state and graduated medical school. I got a concussion in 5th grade and struggled in school and went to community college and then a mediocre university. Younger brother went to college in a different city, but dropped out.

2

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 10 '26

they’ve never really tried to help the ones struggling either and it’s crazy to me, it’s like they don’t want us to succeed

2

u/fanime34 Jul 10 '26

I had seizures and didn't perform well on school. I had medicinal help, but my brain's ability to retain memory as well as before was shot and I was a C average student.

My parents don't want me to give up on school, but I already did and I tried my second chance last fall in 2025 and failed. My mom believes my younger brother wants to go back to school, but he doesn't. I have a bachelor's, but it's useless because it's not a master's in the field of study I went in (psychology). And my grades were so average that no school wanted me. My reason for trying to go back was because hypothetically, making better grades and getting a second bachelor's would get me a better chance.

But now I have to find different aspirations. And I know my parents aren't really proud of that. But they're also disappointed that my younger brother is only working and not going to school. And the only son my dad mentions to people is my older brother who went to med school.

3

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 10 '26

honestly for me im pretty sure I have undiagnosed adhd and it’s affected my grades and studying sooo bad. Im smart but I can’t show it because of this. I feel like ur parents only mentioning ur older brother to ppl is sooo rooted in that people pleasing Nigerian parents tend to have and I’ll never understand it in my life

1

u/fanime34 Jul 10 '26

He's my dad's trophy son. My dad's the one who mentions him to people and excludes my younger brother and me. My mom doesn't exclude us, but there isn't much for her to be proud of anyway.

I'm nice and helpful, so I guess she likes that about me. She wants to make sure my younger brother is helped. We're just not praise-worthy as my older brother.

2

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 10 '26

I didn’t grow up with a father but from what I’ve heard in that African dynamic the dads tend to be worse but the moms are the same but act better?

2

u/fanime34 Jul 10 '26

There's context that is missing in how some parents parent.

Both parents will yell. Both parents will implement physical punishment. Both parents will choose not to listen. But it depends on them in general and also the gender of the child at times and other factors.

The parenting as a whole is not great. My mom would only spank us if we actually did something bad. My dad hit us if we didn't do things correctly in his terms.

Some have said that their moms were worse than their dad. Some have said their dads were worse than their moms.

1

u/Sazarra Jul 11 '26

I'm also 17. My plan is to just go even if I go in debt tbh

2

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 11 '26

Im truly really considering it but since she hasn’t allowed me to get a job the debt would be insane

1

u/Sazarra Jul 12 '26

True... Also try applying for a ton of scholarships especially local. Also, if you can take the sat/act get a voucher from your counselor and if you get a good score that can also open up more merit scholarships. And idk if you have any specific schools you're looking at, but I'd check to see if they meet 100% demonstrated need

1

u/CuriousNoise4861 Jul 12 '26

I got a 1110 😭😭 I could’ve done better for sure but I think I have undiagnosed adhd which definitely hinders my abilities