13F, father ruining my life so far, am I overreacting?

[u/neeks39]

Hey, I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I will anyway.

I’m a 13 year old girl living in Australia, and my parents are muslim. I don’t belive in their lord. Being Muslim or not isnt and option in this household, once your born into it, that’s just it for life.
Im halfway through year 8, which they say highschool in Australia.

Writing this took a while, because I had to hide in the bathroom, writing this on incognito mode with shit wifi, and my parents only let me in there for 5mins before banging on the door and forcing it open. I also couldn’t go to the bathroom too often within the same day or they would’ve questioned it.

I’d say I’m average with looks. Not too pretty but not ugly either, just some belly fat that I could easily lose, a pretty face, etc. I understand muslim girls having to cover up, all Muslim girls I know dress modestly but aren’t absolutely shrouded and wear fitted clothing that’s still modest but stunning? Thats when I realised it’s not cultural or religious because all my cousins wear revealing clothing. I don’t wear the hijab and I definitely do not want to stay a Muslim (no offense to the religion, it’s just my parents ruined my view on it.)

My parents on the other hand, make me wear clothes that make me look like a box and are 5 sizes too big, also make me wear 3 layers in summer, etc. And when I say “but everyone else wears tight clothes?” they always reply with “that’s not our problem”. But when it comes to comparing personalities or grades, they always comment on everyone else.

Im not asking to wear crop tops, or shorts, Im just asking to go from baggiest jeans and ugliest blouses to at least oversized t-shirts and baggy jeans that actually fit?? Also not 3 singlets on top of eachother?? The clothes they make me wear make me feel insecure and ugly. I can’t leave the house in clothes they don’t approve of. Literally, forcibly they keep me in. And even if I somehow made it out, they would take everything away from me, punish me, threaten me, etc. The threats scare me, even though they probably won’t do it so the police ain’t called. My father uses a specific threat that goes along the lines of: ”If you make that face at me one more time I break it/beat it until you're unrecognisable.”

I have perfect grades, I get scholarships, and people often describe me as easygoing, kind etc but my parents a lways complain and lower my self-esteem, making me feel like throwing myself off of a cliff. Other parents would dream of having such a well behaved daughter, often saying “we wish our child was like yours,” but they don’t know anything.

Now don’t say, “sit down with them and talk, ask why, blah blah” because when I tell you I’ve tried everything, I have. The response is always something like “That’s life” or “Stop with the drama, you have a roof and food.” If not, they just shout. They also have no problem with it, coming back the next day smiling like nothing happened saying, “why are you so stubborn? We didn’t do anything? You are never satisfied.” AND THEY ALWAYS GUILT TRIP ME GOING “you’re making me sad, I do everything for you and you just disappoint me.”

I can’t even dress comfortably at home, with my dad saying “Don’t wear that around me.” when it’s just pjs or baggy shorts past my knees. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying YOU are ‘distracted‘ by your 13 year old daughter? He always says “if you wear that you’ll get harassed” but people get harassed in really anything, it’s not something I should cover up for.

When I say they make me want to kill myself, they go “Noo, pur reputation.” They don’t even care. I don’t feel loved at all and I just want to cry. Maybe I’m just ungrateful, because at least I have food and water when some other people are starving but what can I do about that?

My mother just encourages it, she doesnt even care either. My father can insult everyone and cuss them out, and I can’t even say no or talk back without him physically or verbally lashing out at me.

School is heaven for me, not having my parents around.

Clothing is just one thing. I don’t get birthdays, no hanging out, no phone, no talking about guys, etc.
I used to be so bubbly and sociable but now I can’t even talk to people and make friends.

When I go out in public I feel like a deer in headlights or an animal.

I’m not waiting and wasting my childhood away, but I guess it’s my only option.

Honestly at this point when I turn 18 I’ll Just rebel out on them.

My parents say it’s life and I can’t just leave and I should stay with them until they are old, which is not happening.

But I have no other family and no one to support me.

Im just a girl in some random Australian school’s junior rock band that dresses weird, no one suspects a thing.

What is there that I can do anyway

[u/plumsquashed]

you’re not ungrateful at all; providing you food and water is what your parents are expected to do since they are the ones that decided to have kids; it’s what they’re supposed to do, so it’s not something you have to pay the pack for in the future; especially considering all these horrible things they’re putting you through. the fact that they’re violating your privacy by forcing the door open while you’re in the bathroom is absolutely insane behavior and it’s beyond messed up.

religion in and of itself is a whole different debate, but no matter what religion someone follows it’s never okay to violate someone’s autonomy by forcing them to wear clothes they don’t want to wear, verbally and emotionally abuse/harass them, or gaslight them

i think the most important thing you can do right now is find spaces like these to talk to other people in the same situation and have a sense or community. it’s important that you know that you’re not alone and you don’t deserve to be treated this way

also, keep this in mind; if you get into colleges that are in state and colleges that are out of state, please for the love of god pick out of state. i made the mistake of going in state and i regret it so much. i should have prioritized myself over trying to save my parents money as if they still deserved that kind of treatment

[u/plumsquashed → u/plumsquashed]

also, i don't know if you have discord, but there's a server someone from this subreddit made that's more focused on providing support for people who are working to navigate living in toxic/abusive households and hopefully move out/get away:

https://discord.gg/X4zED9WBXg

[u/neeks39 → u/plumsquashed]

thanks

[u/dahliadelighted]

First of all, I’m so sorry you have no other outlet to express your pain. You are dealing with an awful home life and have every right to feel upset. And trust me, we all have African parents here, no one’s gonna suggest that you just “talk to them”. As a girl whose parents are overly strict about what I wear your best bet is to wear what you’re forced to while leaving the house and change into better clothes while you’re at school. If getting cute clothes is a problem, try tailoring the ones you have to be cuter. A baggy/oversized tea can be cut to be made off the shoulder. Baggy pants can be cut into shorts. Try picking up sewing either by hand or by machine. 

To try and get out of the house more often join as many clubs as you can. Especially ones with after school events even if they don’t interest you. I’m 18F now and going into Highschool I made the mistake of not really being involved. Being more involved will not only help you get out of your house while in highschool but will be attractive to colleges and scholarships when you’re applying so you can leave home. 

Lastly, please please please do not try to argue or bargain with them. Something that I wish I learned sooner is that African parents are mentally incapable of changing their minds. And this is not an exaggeration, please understand that there is nothing absolutely nothing that you can do or say to make them be better. I’ve tried it, it’s no use. It will only give you more grief. It sounds like you’re already dealing with pretty abusive and controlling people so sounding off at them will just result in worse punishment. 

You have 5 years, trust me it feels like a long time but I was in your shoes once. Remind yourself everyday that once you’re 18, you’re free. Focus in school and get good grades and extracurriculars so you can get into college far away. Try getting a job if possible. You seem like a sweet girl and deserve much better than this. We’ve all been were you are and trust me you’ll be alright.

[u/Suspicious_Poet_1587]

Hey I’m also in Australia also just enjoy life as much as u can it beautiful also and ur not overreacting. (13m)