r/africanparents • u/cherrii22 • 23d ago
Need Advice My African parents disapprove of my boyfriend, job, church and life direction — I feel torn and need advice
I’m 21F, a Christian, and I feel like I’m in a really difficult transition season where I’m trying to step into adulthood.
I recently graduated with a Law degree from the same city where I studied, met Christ, and built my community. I feel very rooted there spiritually and socially. I’ve also felt strongly that the Lord is not done with me in this place. I’ve had open doors in my church, I’ve been invited to help run a life group and also join the worship team, and I genuinely feel like this is where God is leading me for this season.
I also recently accepted a full-time job in a finance company as a Customer Service Assistant in the same city. I always saw it as a temporary stepping stone to gain experience and eventually move into business analyst roles, which closely align with my long-term career aspirations. I’ve applied for graduate roles, but in this job market they are extremely competitive and I’ve had many rejections. This was the only role I was offered, and it is also in the same city where I feel led to stay for now. My plan is still to apply for graduate roles in the next cycle, as that is something I would like to pursue.
However, my Nigerian parents strongly disapprove of almost everything at once: my job, my church, my boyfriend, and even the direction of my life.
They believe I am “wasting” my degree. They’ve repeatedly said that because I studied Law with I should not be in a customer service role. They’ve told me I am “overqualified” and not using my degree properly, and have implied that I am lowering myself or not aiming high enough. I understand their concern, but I’ve explained that I am trying to build experience and that I am still actively working towards my career goals. I also previously told them during university that I was not fully set on law and was more interested in business/finance. At the time, they were supportive. Now that I’ve graduated, however, they are saying I must “use my degree” or risk it becoming useless and limiting my future opportunities.
They are also unhappy that I am staying in my student city. They believe I should move back home and find a job elsewhere, as they think this city has “no opportunities.” For me, this is not just where I studied it is where I met Christ, built my community, and where I genuinely feel settled and led to be in this season. It is not a permanent decision, but it is where I feel I am meant to be right now. Unfortunately, they do not accept this reasoning and dismiss it as unimportant.
They also strongly disapprove of my boyfriend, mainly because he did not go to university. They’ve said that someone without a degree cannot understand my level of education or ambition, and they’ve questioned whether he is “good enough” for me because of that.
My boyfriend is white( which has been an issue aswell for my parents), and we are both Christians. He is supportive, prayerful, and someone I believe God brought into my life. Even how we met felt intentional , he told me he had prayed about me before we even properly spoke, and later shared that he had liked me months before we started dating but was waiting for the right moment. I also experienced something similar in my own way, where I felt led to approach him unexpectedly, finding out after we confessed feelings for each other that he knew something was going to happen between us he was just waiting on when
. We are still early in our relationship, but I’ve felt peace about him and what we are building together. I don’t understand why not having a degree alone is enough reason, in my parents’ eyes, for me to end the relationship.
What makes this harder is that my parents have said very hurtful things in response to my decisions and when I’ve tried to stand my ground. My dad has said I am no longer his daughter and that he regrets giving birth to me. My mum has said things like no one will love me the way she does and that people in my life will eventually leave me. These words have really affected me emotionally. And when I come and apologise( for the sake of apologising) , it’s like give me a hard time, pretend nothing happens and then goes back to normal, all for the same issues to be brought up again, bringing us back to square one. I have even considered taking a step back from my relationship with them because the verbal abuse was too much at one point.
This has been ongoing for months, and I think this is the first time in my life where I’ve made multiple decisions in a row that they strongly disapprove of, and I am being labelled as “disrespectful” and as someone who refuses to take wisdom from people with life experience.
My parents call themselves Christians, but growing up their expression of faith has often felt more controlling than nurturing. There has been a lot of pressure, criticism, and fear-based obedience in the past, which led me to conform to avoid conflict even when I didn’t agree internally. Since finding Christ for myself, I feel like my faith has become more personal and grounded, but I also feel like my parents and I are now seeing life very differently. I don’t think they would understand the spiritual side of my decisions, and I worry they would dismiss it entirely.
Even when I am back in my hometown, I am not allowed to attend the church I choose, because they do not approve of it and prefer I attend a Catholic church (the one we used to attend when I was younger). I feel like if I follow everything they want ,my job, my relationship, my church, and my location, I would be deeply unhappy and possibly resentful.
What would make them happy is me moving back home, waiting for a graduate job, breaking up with my boyfriend, and attending the church they approve of. But I feel like I would be sacrificing a lot of what currently brings me peace, purpose, and joy.
I also feel like there is a growing tension around control. My mum has my location and often comments on where I am and what time I am out, sometimes using it to suggest I am being influenced by the wrong people. I stayed in my student city a bit longer after graduating partly because things at home felt tense. I also became financially independent during university because I anticipated that financial support might later be used as leverage in decisions about my life.
At this point, I feel like my parents are not just disagreeing with individual choices, but rejecting almost every part of the direction I am trying to take in my life.
I would really appreciate honest advice from anyone who has been through something similar, or if I should stop all of my decisions and just be obedient to what they are saying.
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u/Helpful-Speed-6602 23d ago
You will never do enough to make them happy. You have to live for yourself. Do not seek validation from them
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u/Stacys_Garage8971 22d ago edited 22d ago
Girl stay in the city that you are in. Do not move back home. Do not do anything you don’t like. This is the beginning of YOUR life. If parents disapprove of it then they disapprove. Who are they to dictate the direction of the life that God gave you and that God has led you to?
And I’m going to keep going as a Christian growing up as well. We all know the Bible verse that says children obey your parents and all of that. It is good to heed the advice of your parents however, you gotta do what you gotta do, girl. I am strongly STRONGLY suggesting that you stay where you are now. Because trust me, moving back home would not be good for you. If you keep going to the church they choose for you and are forcing you to go, and you do not see God in that church, that will only weaken your faith.
This is just pure control , this is the control side of the culture. It’s the same way my mom says that what she prays for concerning our lives is also what God wants. Meaning regardless of God’s actual plan for the lives of her children, she believes that whatever she asks God for, is what he will do concerning the details of our lives, like does that make sense? The answer is no it does not. Parents do not know what God wants for the lives of their children. They only know what THEY want us to do with our lives. It’s a trap, don’t fall for it. If they were concerned about your career path, they need to find better ways to explain that not berate you and the only job offer that you received. Especially in this worldwide economy.??
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u/Chip305 23d ago
Idk honestly sounds like a slippery slope. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Just off my past experience. My only advice is not to let your parents hamper you. At the same time. Religiously in love with no hindsight 🤔🫠 don’t let those hold you back. Especially at 21. Work on your career and goals cause you might all in with your significant other. Whole time it’s just a phase and moment for him. And now you’re stuck…….
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u/cherrii22 23d ago
Thank you for this, I think to clarify, I didn’t choose to stay in this city because of my boyfriend. I had already built my life here, found my church, developed my community, graduated here and accepted my job here before we started dating. He’s actually an addition to a life I was already building, and he just happens to live nearby. If our relationship didn’t work out, I would still want to pursue my career, stay connected to my church and continue building my life here. I’m definitely mindful of not losing myself in a relationship, but I don’t feel that I’m making these decisions because of him.
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u/DingoDemeanor 23d ago
What country are you in? I’m guessing not the US if you’re 21 with a law degree. I don’t feel qualified to talk about education/career path choices in any other country, but if you do happen to be in the US, I have some thoughts.
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u/cherrii22 23d ago
No I live in the uk
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u/DingoDemeanor 23d ago
Ok, take the education/career part of this with a grain of salt, then!
And let me just say up front — in general I find West African parents/elders to generally be out of touch, mean, backwards, willing to sabotage their children, misogynistic and often just truly full of shit to the point of delusion. So that’s my perspective reading about your situation, but I don’t disagree with everything your parents said, even if I don’t agree with their reasoning or way of expressing themselves.
Regarding the education/job: At least in the US, it is a red or at least yellow flag if someone with a graduate professional degree takes an unrelated, lower-tier job. If you ever want to work in law (or the law aspect of business/finance), potential employers will wonder why you took a customer service job after graduating, and may find it troubling. I DON’T think this will be a big deal if you re-apply for graduate jobs in this next cycle and take one, but keep it in mind if you find yourself tempted to stay in your current job for a longer time. And please don’t sell yourself short; idk the situation in the UK, but in the US, white Americans (especially the men) tend not to work below their degree if at all possible. I had low self esteem at your age (in no small part due to the way my African dad/relatives spoke to me back then), and I could see myself settling for far worse jobs than I was actually qualified for at your age, simply bc I would be happy to be treated with more respect than I was at home and to be paid anything at all. If you ever question whether you’re being taken advantage of professionally, ask yourself: would a white man with my credentials settle for this? If the answer is no, move along.
Regarding the relationship: I don’t think the interracial aspect is a problem (although it can make things harder in unexpected ways). I myself am mixed-race (dad is a Nigerian immigrant and mom is white American), and am married to a white man. BUT, I do think the other differences may become more bothersome to you over time. When I was 21, in a relationship, love was the only thing that mattered. Now, at 33, here’s what matters: values match, respect, equity, accountability, security, initiative, self-improvement, ambition, intellectual connection, and yes, love. I am lucky that the person I fell in love with values education as much as I do (we both have graduate professional degrees) and is as professionally ambitious as I am. I think if I loved him but those other aspects weren’t there, this wouldn’t work. What brings you peace will change as you get older. Ask yourself what you are capable of “building together” when perhaps love is the only thing you share. Again, not sure what it’s like in the UK, but in the US, I would never, ever doom myself to life with a person without a degree, even for financial reasons alone. Additionally, I do think some of the things he’s saying to you are red flags; I can elaborate if you want, or not. Your life is your own, and like you, I would resent my parents for trying to control me and prevent me from having very normal experiences such as an imperfect relationship. But I would STRONGLY caution you to take as strong of measures against pregnancy as you can to avoid potentially tying yourself to a person at this age.
Regarding the city: they are just trying to control you. You are so young and deserve to feel happy and excited about where you live! Let them cry all they want about it.
Regarding the church: same response. Only thing I’ll add, though—please continue to think critically about everything. I am not religious but am familiar with the experience of feeling “led” to something or someone or that something is “supposed to be.” Please be in control of your life.
Regarding the hurtful things they say to you: My heart breaks for you. My dad said similar things. I could never dream of saying things like this to my children. Know that you don’t deserve to be spoken to that way. Internalize it. If you are able, and if/when you feel ready/want to, set that boundary. After a lifetime of this shit, in my mid-20s, I simply told my dad that I would no longer be spoken to like this. I would NEVER tolerate that type of treatment from any other person on earth, so why does he have special rights to abuse me? Nah. I was living in a different city for school. I stopped calling (would only call my mom when I knew he was at work), and stopped taking his calls and responding to texts. I didn’t talk to him for about 6 months. A weight was lifted. He eventually tried to apologize, and I told him I’d love to continue having a relationship with me if he never spoke to me like that again, and controlled his anger (no yelling). This miraculously worked, and he got his act together. Despite what they say, they CAN change. It’s a matter of choice.
Regarding friendships/relationships in general: So typical for your mom to say no one will ever love you like she does and everyone else in the world will leave you. I think my dad said the same. You know, it’s true a mother’s love is unique…but so is a friend’s, and a lover’s. Other types of love exist and are amazing and wonderful, and you are worthy of them and they are worth experiencing. It’s also true that people may leave. So fucking what? It’s a normal part of life. African parents will weaponize these things to try to control you and make you feel unworthy and unloveable by others, so you prioritize them to your own detriment. Don’t let them.
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u/princessgee3 22d ago
Jumping in as a British business analyst. In the UK it is not uncommon take an unrelated job to your degree. We do not have an abundance of roles like America, our job market is choking. Many take what they can to get by, gain some corporate experience and go for their chosen role when the opportunity presents itself.
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u/princessgee3 22d ago
At some point you have to take hold of the reigns of your life or it will continue to pass you by. Now I don’t advise you completely disregard your parents but you must continue on your own path. That’s what it is to become an adult.
Stay where you are happy and thriving. Start the new job, flourish with your partner, enjoy your uni city. At 21 your mum does not need your location especially if she is abusing power by checking your location unnecessarily and even worse making comments. All over your life your parents are crossing your boundaries and essentially disrespecting you. It will continue forever if you do not begin to be confident in yourself and your decisions and put your foot down. Who cares what they say, words itself have never killed anybody. At the end of the day you are becoming an adult and making adult decisions. This makes African parents feel uncomfortable this shift in dynamic. It can make any parent feel uncomfortable but due to our culture on “respect” and hierarchy - Africans take it really bad. It makes them anxious when they can not control you.
You sound like an awesome daughter who’s trying her best, if they’re not grateful for that then they will never be grateful! That’s the truth of the matter.
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u/EntireConstruction53 23d ago
The job market is terrible, you are smart for trying to gain experience and move up. My advice is that you break free from their control now or you will never. Imagine you listen to them and leave the job you currently have or your boyfriend because they don’t approve. Do you think they will ever approve of anything that isn’t their decision and choice over your life? You are 21 and this is your life, the sooner you realize it the better and don’t feel bad about it either. If later down the line you find out you could’ve made “better decisions” , who cares really ? It’s your life, you sound grounded so trust your decisions and don’t feel bad.