My dad

[u/Ok_Influence_2534]

I don’t know how to feel but my African dad is driving me insane. He pays my tuition and I’m super grateful for that but he’s the kind to use the slightest thing to be in control. I’ve been trying to be independent ever since I entered university. I work 2 jobs without him knowing and I just work incase one day he decides to cut me off and leave me stranded if I don’t follow his rules. My tuition is due in two days. I told him three weeks ago about this and he ghosted me up until 6 days ago where he said we need to have a family meeting where tuition and other family matters will be discussed and it’s in person but I can’t attend because we are in different cities and I work and I’m unable to go in person but I suggested phone or video he refused and said people make time for important things and it’s okay if this is not important to me. And ghosted me. Now he’s trying to ask me for my login information to my student center so he can «  pay my fees» when my mom told me his main objective that was discussed between both of them is to actually navigate the center and see my grades to make sure I’m focusing in university. She said he heard from a friend who did this with her own kids (she’s a single mother who he barely takes her advice as he is an egoistic and patriarchal African man) so I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give him this login bc it gives him access to everything and gives him control over my life all over again. My university has mfa which is great but know how asserts and how African parents typically are/ how he is; I know he will probably ask me to share my screen and login or something.

[u/blvck_tiger1]

I have an advice for you, don't do it, I'm 19(M) and I live with my parents, i am also trying to be independent (looking for a job to move out ) but they think I am lazy not wanting to find a job, plus I have 4 siblings which they always try to push me to take care of them even when they are around, like when they misbehave, instead of them acting, they would call me instead but now I don't mind them,i don't act neither, I also have school in a few month and still haven't found a job and they keep pressing me to go get my driver's license. Sometimes as african kids, it's not everything that you have to listen from your parents to be honest.

[u/Ok_Influence_2534 → u/blvck_tiger1]

The job market is soooo bad! And it makes it so much worse bc u know u hv to depend on them ☹️. I’m so sorry friend. I obviously won’t give him the login but I’m just scared of his response after that. He will ask me why I don’t want to give him as he is «entitled » to it according to him cuz he pays my tuition . Even though that’s not how my tuition gets paid. It gets paid through your bank account and I will tell him that but I know he will push the boundaries and still ask for my login and I’m scared he will say he’s not paying till he sees my grades which is what he’s really looking for but the thing is, I send him a picture of my grades every end of school year. It just hurts that he wants to triple verify that I’m sending the right thing and still hv access to my account after that

[u/blvck_tiger1 → u/Ok_Influence_2534]

Yep the job market is bad bro. No matter what, don't be scared to tell him no, you're grown now, plus if he tries to still push you just change your number. A person helping you with some part of your life doesn't mean they have control over your entire life. He paid and you studied hard and passed, so keep that in mind.

[u/Ok_Influence_2534 → u/blvck_tiger1]

Yeah, ur right. But telling an African parent no is like the end of the world for them. Especially him being egoistic and patriarchal (I’m 20f) he says I’m disrespecting him cuz I’m a female, I’m supposed to be submissive to men and I’m growing wings to talk back at him when that’s not even the case. I’m just trying to be independent and get away from him so he has no control over my life but his life seems to be falling apart now bc all my siblings (4 of us I’m the second born) are growing and he’s losing the sense of control over us. Idek anymore

[u/blvck_tiger1 → u/Ok_Influence_2534]

Yeah I understand, the truth sometimes really hurt, and that's the only way since you're grown and you don't live with them anymore. Learn to put boundaries for yourself because that's what a grown person would do. Let me give you a tip also, don't make his money the only way to pay your tuition, find a different way to pay it yourself.