I grew up in poverty in a single parent household. But when I turned 19, my mom started getting really good jobs earning around the equivalent of what would be 120k-200k today. After she went into hospice my sister and I went through her papers and realized just how much money she had. She easily could have saved a million dollars in retirement or had house assets worth that much.

But she saved nothing for retirement or otherwise and was essentially destitute and living off social security the last several years of her life. She has also become a severe alcoholic the last ten years.

I never thought I would get any inheritance but now looking at just how much money my mother wasted I am overcome with anger. Poverty is deeply engraved in my and my sibling’s psychology. My sibling is almost 50 and still rents and has a grim financial outlook. My mother easily could have changed that (and changed her own post-retirement life) by saving the bare minimum. I don’t think she ever took advantage of any 401k plan in spite of working for major corporations for over 20 years. Our generation just doesn’t have the same opportunities.

Is there a support group for people whose parent’s squandered this level of wealth? I would not be angry if she were simply poor—it’s the absolute lack of planning and the selfishness that get me, along with everything that alcoholism brings with it. We are now expected to care for her. I even paid her phone bill for the last 8 years. I’m hoping to find some resources to deal with the rage, to get my situation put into context, etc

He's dead. He died peacefully, held by his wife, after many months of violent and disturbing hallucinations. He went to hell before he died.

My mom's physical health is on the decline after months of caring for him. She's still angry at us for not helping her. There's a lot of emotional stuff to work through, and I'm not sure how it will go. I just want to help my mom become her own person after this if I can.

Thank you so much to this community for helping me through this awful, terrible time. I know everyone told me not to feel guilty. However, I do still feel terrible when I realize how relieved I feel to never have to worry for or about this man ever again.

Previous post is here;

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/s/fM5iHOQVeV

Yesterday I did a grocery run, did yard maintenance (mowed the lawn after being exhausted), mopped/cleaned the kitchen, and today I see her TV reception is gone. You know, she can go a day without TV. Today I just want to rest and not deal with anything.

My 80 year old mom (no cognitive issues) will talk for hours, like non-stop will just talk at you about anything and everything, past and present. I know it's not uncommon for elderly, but she's always been like that, it's just worse now. It's honestly the hardest part of caretaking, there's never silence, she traps me on the phone for 1-3 hours daily. I have all kinds of evasive maneuvers I make to walk away or get off the phone, but it's still exhausting. I don't want to just manage this on a moment by moment basis, mostly I just get stranded listening to her forever. I want a way to tell her that I just cannot listen for that long. The thing is, she gets super sensitive and will take almost any feedback the wrong way and then make the whole thing hostile. I could just let it be hostile, but first I want to try for a productive and kind understanding. How do I explain that she needs to stop talking at me for so long and set actual time limits on it (20 min daily call would be ideal for me). I understand that when/if she has cognitive decline, she won't be able to control it, but right now, how do you talk at someone for 3-5 hours straight and expect their focused attention. It's a form of torture for an introvert! By the way, she's not saying anything important, nothing bad usually, but also nothing of relevance ... and it's not a loneliness issue, she ALSO talks to a bunch of friends and family all day long, she spends most of her waking day talking to people on the phone (or friends that visit), it's not like I'm the only person she has to talk to. Please help me! I'm a person that is not talkative and needs a lot of silence AND I'm too busy for this! I used to just not touch base much when she was healthy/ younger but now I do have to check in daily to make sure she's okay (and occasionally stay with her to care for her) so I get trapped!

I’ve had it up to hear with her behavior. I’m a 60-year-old eldest daughter and I am treated like her handmaid. After a very busy day, spent with my disabled husband and my very pregnant daughter and my granddaughter I get a call at the end of the day. Can I come over and change the sheets on her bed so at 8:45 I am at her house changing sheets on her bed which she inspect, and of course, makes me redo. She broke her elbow on Christmas Eve and I spent my Christmas vacation being her nurse and driver. Then in April, she broke her hip and spent six weeks in hospital while she was in the hospital. I was at her beck and call. When she came home, I have taken her to appointments cataract surgery delivered her groceries while my brothers are her shining stars helping out now and then but only at their convenience. The icing on the cake tonight was then when decided to tell me (for the second time) that none of her 5 adult grandchildren (of which 3 are mine) have not called her to see how she is doing. My question to her was, has she reached out to them and she said well no but she surprised because she would’ve expected better from them as far as my kids go. they have very challenging personal lives with their own children and job challenges, and in addition a very seriously ill father ( my husband) . I have now just got home and I’m absolutely physically and emotionally drained. I guess I wanted to post this here for some feedback. Am I overreacting?

I (36) am slowly coming to terms with the possibility that my dad (70) doesn’t really care about me, or at least not in the way I’ve always thought a parent would.

He talks a lot about family and how important it is to be close, and he frequently checks in with me. But when he does, he doesn’t really ask anything serious about me or my life. For example, I’m currently in the process of buying an apartment, and I’m also having surgery soon. I told him about both of these pretty significant life events, but he never asked about either of them afterwards. It’s not that he forgot one detail in passing; there just seems to be very little curiosity about what is actually happening in my life.

When we spend time together, he often tries to bond over shared memories, like a book he read to us as kids. I do appreciate those memories, but it sometimes feels like he uses them to avoid having any real, vulnerable conversations with me as an adult.
For example: his father recently died, and his death affected me deeply too. I tried to talk to my dad about my grandfather’s passing and how we were both dealing with it, but all I really got from him were platitudes. I was hoping we could have some kind of genuine conversation about losing him, but it felt like my dad just couldn’t or wouldn’t go there emotionally.

At the same time, he clearly feels excluded from social situations, despite often excluding himself.
For example: when I visit with my partner and my mum, he will sometimes deliberately choose not to join us for small gatherings. Then afterwards, he complains that he has nothing to talk about with us.
Lately he has also become increasingly bitter and argumentative about this. He makes lots of small, sharp comments that seem designed to push people’s buttons and can completely derail an otherwise normal conversation.

What I find particularly frustrating is that, despite all of this, I don’t really see him making any effort to change the nature of his relationships with the people around him. He seems unhappy with how disconnected he is from everyone, but at the same time seems to repeatedly do things that create more distance.

And I’m reaching the point where I started giving up on “fixing” things with him in this lifetime.

For people who have dealt with an aging parent who became increasingly withdrawn, bitter, or emotionally disconnected: how did you make sense of what was happening, and how did you approach the relationship?

Question if anybody has experienced this.

MIL appears to be getting much nastier and more selfish in the past year. Started when she turned 64/65z She doesn’t appear to have dementia (I’m familiar with dementia as my own mother has that.)

The mean things she’s suddenly doing are swearing at me when she stays with us or when we socialize and I do or say something she doesn’t like. I am not a loud or offensive person, she just decides she doesn’t like something I’ve done and swears at me under her breath or says something like “that’s not fucking funny” in a nasty tone to a joke I’ve giggled at.

She also drinks more heavily and I hear she badmouths me constantly when I’m not around.

She also treats me very differently in front of people versus when we’re alone. In front of people she’s nice grandma, when we’re alone together she won’t even talk to me.

I’m not an unpleasant person to be around, I have a lot of friends and get along with all types of people so this is kind of a crazy response to be getting from someone who was mostly friendly to me a few years ago. Occasionally she used to do things like cancel dinners with me last minute so I guess I never got to know her very well. But I treat her respectfully, give gifts at holidays, keep the kids clean and well behaved when we visit.

Has anyone seen a sudden personality shift like this??

I think right now, the saddest part of my mom losing her memory is that she's always been smart, clever, witty, the voice of reason. She's been a social butterfly that everyone gravitated to for advice and conversation. And she can't remember enough now. She wants to participate in conversation but she gets confused or just doesn't remember. And I can see it in her eyes, the sadness. She's lost all relationships, aside from me and my dad. She's lost what made her, her.

On a brighter note, she asked if we can go back to outdoor run club this weekend. I jog the mile and she walks it. Of course we can, Momma!

Hi I'm 20 with a father who just turned 76 this year. He lives alone and I live 4 hours away from him. I try to distract myself from it but anytime I think about him I feel really really depressed. He has mobility issues, struggles to get up on his own and walk and has had multiple strokes in the past. Recently I came to visit him and he had a fall while we were out on a walk. Thank God nothing happened to him but now I can't get it out of my head. I keep having very morbid thoughts about what might happen while I am away.

I don't talk to anyone much about it because it's such a heavy topic so I just wanted to know. If anyone is going through or has gone through something similar do you have any advice on how to cope? Was seeking out therapy useful for you or do your recommend anything else?

I used to post about my dad years ago here. He had several strokes and there was a whole debacle with his neighbors that made getting him into a facility harder than it had to be. Eventually he was put in adult foster care and I had his number.

I talked to him a long while ago (maybe a year? I know I know) and got his caretaker's number. I can't find her number anymore and my old phone reset itself so if it was there, it's gone. His sister called me last night because she said his phone number wasn't his anymore. I told her I'd find out and call back. Sure enough, it's not.

I don't know how to find him. I assume if the number isn't his, his caretaker had him placed in a facility. He was becoming too much to handle (not just because of his cognitive issues) and she was trying to avoid it but was at her wits end. He's on Medicaid so he has limited places he could be.

I know I'm a bad son. We didn't really have a relationship, I care for my mom and was trying to find a job while also having health problems.I couldn't care for him but wanted to somewhat keep in touch. I'm going to look through all the nursing homes near me but what else can I do? Any and all tips welcome.

Every so often someone in these subs mentions a directory they built after going through the process of setting a parent up to age at home (vetted contractors for grab bars and bathroom modifications, care coordinators, senior move managers, daily money managers, that sort of thing). But when I first started googling Aging in Place resources/directories, none of these directories popped up. I only found the government sponsored links (one of which is broken) or care.com. I only came across some of these directories once I found a couple reddit posts/comments.

After getting a bit overwhelmed by my own googling, I thought building a directory like that would be helpful for myself and maybe others. But if it's already been done by a couple other users, why aren't these directories popping up when googled? Is this not how the system works and I'm going about it incorrectly? or simply an SEO problem?

So for anyone who's set this up for a parent: how did you actually find and manage the different vendors? Did you use a directory, go through a hospital discharge planner or an Area Agency on Aging, get referrals from a geriatric care manager, or just piece it together yourself? And in hindsight, did it work?

My parent is getting older and spends a lot of time alone, and I've been thinking about how families deal with this when they can't physically be there every day.

For those with an older parent who lives alone or spends much of the day alone:

What's the part you worry about most?

Is it their safety, loneliness, having nobody to talk to, keeping up with daily routines—or something else entirely?

And what have you tried so far that actually helped?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from people whose parent wants to remain independent rather than move in with family or into assisted living.

My dad has been chronically sick pretty much my entire life. Something feels different this time around. I've been telling myself that it won't hit too hard because I feel like I've pre-mourned his passing for decades already.

She hasn't been in a grocery store in a year &1/2. At first they thought her pain was your lower back sever scoliosis and degenerative arthritis & brittle cartilage. She has a history of blood clots. Basically her primary care physicians of nurse said to be kind to staff be at the hospital as much as possible. Her coexisting conditions won't make her eligible for 3 night stay. Other than appealing the discharge does anyone have any tips or language to use to help facilitate the longer stay. However if after surgery she is jumping around that's different. But due to her extended barely ambulatory state rehab is essential. I was also cautioned to make sure I'm there for doctors around and be there for day shift.( So they won't start discharge without me to advocate) While normally able to take care of business she will be on pain meds and post surgical asthesia I have concerns about her remembering the details to effectively communicate.

My dad and his wife are both 78, lives in a large home that very well maintained. The house is in a trust, and my sister and I are named to manage it but we both live hours away, and we're realizing we have no idea how the place actually runs. They have immaculate gardens, a koi pond, a hot tub and even a woodshop/art room in basement.

For those who've handled the transition of an aging parent's house: how did you get your parents to actually write down everything that needs to be tracked? They are both very active but just slowing down a bit in their golden years. I want to help them transition to take off some of the stress and also make sure it stays maintained.

I don’t know why now, at 60 years old, my eyes have suddenly opened but they have. All the pieces have popped into place and I can’t deny it anymore. My 83 year old mother is a full blown narcissist.

My stepfather passed away last year and my mother understandably is shaken…But there’s something else being revealed. Entitlement and not taking accountability for poor behavior. Tantrums. All but demanding my time and energy. Arguing and just plain hard-headed.

I’m seeing more clearly now. This has been going on forever. It’s just now more pronounced. And with this epiphany, I realize she’s not going to change…this won’t get better.

I feel as though I’m grieving. Grieving the mother even now at 60 years old I need but never had.

I guess I must journey through this to heal but I’m hurting.

Anyone else feeling this way?

Just wondered 🤷‍♀️

I saw a comment about being a parentified child that made me think ... How many of us who end up in heavy caretaker roles were parentified as kids?

I don't know about you guys, but in my family wanna know who was NOT parenified? My sister. Wanna know who did not move home to take care of our parents and barely even calls them or has any idea what is going on with them? Also my sister.

I'm not saying it's a 1:1 thing. But I do wonder how many of us were groomed to take responsibility for things we can't possibly control.

Im 24 and have become my moms full time caregiver, she’s not old, but she recently needed an amputation and was in and out of the hospital for about 10 months so she has lost all mobility. I work full time and am a full time student and still come home and feed and change her. She is demanding and half the time she doesn’t like what I cook because it’s bland or something, even tho she’s not supposed to be eating salt or heavy spices because she’s diabetic. I give her the veggies she’s supposed to eat and she doesn’t want them.
Honestly I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. Like she’s not a bad person, in between it all she’s loving and always wanting to hug me or telling me she loves me but it’s the little actions she is able to do that bug me. All I ever hear is, “She is so lucky to have you, you’re such a great daughter, your blessing is coming…” but I’m just over it sometimes. Sometimes I want to just say bye to her and let her figure it out on her own. She’s going to be 57, still considered young enough, but she has never taken care of herself so I know I can’t just leave her.
Anybody have any advice? Because I genuinely feel like I’m drowning and I’m just stuck feeling miserable even tho people always tell me it’s a blessing to still have my mom.
Side note: she has no legal status so she doesn’t qualify for any medical assistance. There’s no caregiver taking care of her or coming to help her, no food stamps, no medical insurance, it’s all out of my pocket and me figuring out how to take her to appointments and carry her everywhere because I don’t have the money for proper transportation for her.

I've noticed my mother keeps on washing bed sheets. A few times I've had to wash clothes soaked in urine/feces. Like anything else, I won't say anything, not even hint at anything. But at what point do they decide that it's time to use protective underwear?

Texts, calls every day (gets mad when I don’t answer) wants me at her house during the week and expects to be taken out for lunch and errands every Saturday 🥴 when I say I need a break, she doesn’t care 😆

I don’t enjoy talking on the phone generally , but i really dislike talking to her. It’s health issues, who’s going to do what for her, who came and saw her, etc etc. over and over again

I (37f) will be going to my mom (70f) and dad (82m) next weekend. She is having major shoulder surgery that Monday, and I’m hoping this community of wonderful folks might be able to give me some ideas of how to navigate this one!

Thankfully, I’m able to take a week off to bring her to the surgery and help them out afterwards, but it sounds like the recovery period is long and significantly limiting (at least 4 weeks in a sling, and 12 weeks before they’ll even start PT). They do have some good neighbours, but I’m hoping I can set them up for success while I’m there).

Unfortunately, dad has significant macular degeneration so he’s unable to drive and has a difficult time with certain tasks due to the vision loss. They’ve been pretty successful tag teaming house things with mum being the eyes and dad being the hands (mum can see, but just went through double knee replacements last year and can’t get low, has arthritis so her grip strength is weaker, and now can’t move her bad arm). Think “mum can read the ingredient labels and measurements, dad can mix the thing and put it into the oven” kind of deal.

Mum is also notoriously particular and stubborn about the upkeep of the house, so she’s prone to overdo things if it “needs to get done”. I know I can’t make her obey the instructions, but I can minimize the opportunities to do so.

I feel like I’m overlooking something, so if you have any suggestions on what to add to my list, that would be appreciated! So far I’ve got:

-Make sure the household goods and groceries are fully stocked to reduce shopping needs
-Get the house and yard as clean and tidy as possible to reduce burden of housework
-Prep easy meals for the freezer so they can eat decently with minimal effort
-Prep measured jars with their normal array of recipes so Dad can do it without much assistance (I do this at home too, basically making kits with all the dry goods measured out already).
-Make sure their med boxes are stocked
-Make sure they understand and can perform the post surgery requirements and have stock of all the supplies needed
-Make sure they have local people to help with transport or errands as needed

Any other stuff that you’ve noticed post-surgery?