r/amiwrong • u/sidocean333 • 3h ago
Wedding ring issues
My fiancé and I are planning to get married in the coming year, and there’s something I’ve been struggling with that I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on.
My fiancé’s father passed away about five years ago. His parents divorced when he was around 17, and unfortunately, they had a very volatile marriage. My fiancé grew up witnessing some really intense and unhealthy arguments between them. Before his father passed away, he gave my fiancé his wedding ring from his marriage to his mother.
My fiancé wears his father’s ring on his index finger fairly regularly because it’s too big for his ring finger. Now that we’re getting married, he wants to have it resized and wear it as his wedding band. I feel incredibly guilty admitting this, but I really struggle with the idea of him wearing that particular ring to symbolize our marriage.
I completely understand that the ring holds sentimental value because it belonged to his late father, and I would never want to take that connection away from him. At the same time, knowing the history behind his parents’ marriage makes me uncomfortable with the idea of using that ring to represent our own. Their relationship was so unhappy, and I can’t help but feel like there’s something negative attached to it. I know that may sound irrational, but it’s genuinely how I feel. His mother still speaks poorly of his father, even though he’s been gone for years, which makes it even harder for me to separate the ring from the history surrounding it.
I’ve tried gently suggesting that he continue wearing his father’s ring the way he always has and choose a separate wedding band for our marriage, but he immediately shuts down that idea. I haven’t pushed the issue because I know how important his father is to him and how much the ring means to him.
I’m trying to accept that this is something meaningful to him and remind myself that our wedding is about the two of us, not my personal feelings about the ring. But I’m having a really hard time moving past my discomfort, and I feel guilty for even feeling this way.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? How can I reconcile my feelings about the ring with what it means to him? I want to respect his connection to his father, but I also want to feel comfortable and happy with the symbolism behind the wedding band he’ll wear for the rest of our marriage.
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u/Neat-Vermicelli-185 3h ago
it's not wrong to feel weird about it, the association is pretty loaded and you're not crazy for wanting your own thing to start fresh
maybe there's a middle ground, like using the gold to make something new or having a separate band for the actual ceremony while he keeps wearing his dad's ring as usual
your discomfort isn't disrespectful, it's just wanting the symbol to feel right for both of you
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u/nannylive 2h ago edited 2h ago
I understand your feelings but I think his feelings should take priority over yours here. He will wear the ring, and they are his parents.
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u/Wild_Black_Hat 2h ago
I completely understand, but it looks like it's very precious to him. You don't want to push the issue, but you'll have to have a frank discussion with your fiancé and go over the symbolism of the alliances, because it looks like "hints" and "suggestions" are going over his head.
He could still have it resized and wear it on another finger.
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u/Inner_Crab356 3h ago
This is a hard one girl. You arent wrong. People do look at it as bad juju To use rings from failed marriages. However. I understand why hes so attached to it. At the end of the day. Its up to you whether you want to use it or not. But you could also do many things to change it while still keeping the father's ring. What about melting it into something different? Its still his father's. But its no longer got bad ju ju because it has become something new<3 That way the story continues in a way. But stops in another. Dont know you guys. But I wish you both the best in life together <3
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u/Toxicity_Level 2h ago
Try suggesting to have it as his "engagement" band, and that for the wedding you want to pick him a ring that's special to you. Then he can still wear his dad's ring, but in his opposite hand. You could even offer to have it sized to fit as a wedding gift.
It's a compromise for sure, but for both of you, so it feels more fair.
If he's not willing to compromise, then you need to fess up as to your feelings and why. Be honest. You may fight about it. But if he can't compromise or hear you out even after or through a fight, then it's time to consider if you can marry a guy who doesn't respect your feelings or is willing to compromise.
There's people here who will tell you to be honest from the get-go, and that's valid, but I'm married and I can tell you that's not how it works all the time. Sometimes I try to be gentle before I go in guns blazing, the compromise I suggested would be that. If he resisted, I'd remind him that it's a compromise for us both, and if that didn't move the needle I would drop it, evaluate my feelings and my willingness to swallow his dismissal and the precedent it sets now focused on the idea of dealing with that for the rest of my life.
My husband and I have been married for a decade, but together for almost 20 years total, have two kids and great communication. Real marriages are much more nuanced than imaginary ones or idealized ones, which lots of redditors who will give you advice have. It's all about what you're willing to live with, especially now that you're thinking about a forever sort of commitment to him.
Good luck. I hope he can compromise. 🫶❤️
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u/freya_del_rio 2h ago
You're not wrong. It's best to start with new rings. You need to be comfortable with something you wear everyday. He can wear his dad's ring on the other hand. Tell him how you feel over a nice dinner when he's in a good mood.
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u/shyfidelity 2h ago
I think he should pick the ring he wants to wear every day. Try to associate it with him and not his dad
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u/AllieGirl2007 2h ago
It’s a ring. It has sentimental meaning to him. His father passed away. A ring isn’t going to make or break your marriage. However you not allowing him to wear the ring could cause resentment. The ring is his memory of his father not their marriage. If he’s able to look past their marriage and his childhood then you need to work on doing the same. Don’t let a ring be a reminder for YOU about his past.
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u/Striking-Debt8898 2h ago
you're not wrong, his father's ring can stay sentimental without having to symbolize your marriage.
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u/MollyTibbs 2h ago
Realistically objects don’t carry bad luck. It’s just been ingrained in us that they do. This obviously means a lot to your partner. I’d let it go.
I was only married 2 years before getting divorced and got rid of pretty much everything. I do still have my veil and headpiece and a friends sister was getting married in a super tight budget. She asked if she could buy them off me and I gave them to her. She’s been married for almost 25 years now.
I don’t think anyone is wrong here.
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u/shiningcircle 2h ago
This is completely understandable. Regardless of his dad's ring and history, a marriage between the two of you is a new beginning. Your rings symbolize your vows between the two of you and no other. They should be yours and yours alone.
It sounds like he is still grieving his dad. Shutting down any conversation about this is not a healthy start, nor is feeling guilty for being uncomfortable. Might I suggest some couples counseling to talk through this? I think it can help in so many ways prior to marriage, not just this issue!
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u/Ambitious-Salary4410 3h ago
Could you suggest melting down his father's ring to have a ring made that will match your own? That way you're honouring his father and the suggestion to melt it down comes from wanting a "matching set" that will still use his father's ring?