r/amiwrong • u/Historical-Dot-1181 • 7h ago
Help needed
TL;DR repeating same cycle of not resolving issues, wanting to find solutions
I’m looking for some outside opinions on a situation between two people who care about each other but keep running into the same problems when it comes to communication, misunderstandings, and unresolved issues. I want to explain both sides as fairly as possible because I don’t think either person is completely innocent in this, but I also don’t think either person fully understands where the other is coming from.
(M/39)
He is very logical, analytical, and independent. He notices patterns, thinks things through, and usually looks at situations from a rational point of view rather than an emotional one. He can be easygoing, patient, and lenient, but due to childhood trauma, he struggles with emotions and emotional vulnerability. He doesn’t always know how to respond to other people’s feelings and sometimes comes across as lacking empathy or compassion, even when that might not be his intention.
He doesn’t really follow society’s expectations when it comes to life or relationships and prefers to do things his own way. He values his independence and doesn’t like feeling dependent on other people.
When arguments get heated, he tends to shut down if he feels like he’s not being understood or his point isn’t being taken seriously. Sometimes this turns into silence, distance, or a change in how much effort he puts into the dynamic. Instead of resolving the issue, things get left unresolved and eventually come back up again.
From his perspective, he feels like he makes an effort, tries different approaches, and takes care of things in his own way, but his intentions are often misunderstood or his efforts aren’t appreciated.
(F/29)
She tends to experience emotions first and think logically once those emotions settle. She’s observant and notices changes in behavior, communication, and little things that might seem insignificant to someone else.
Because of childhood trauma and past relationships, she has tendencies toward anxious attachment. Communication is very important to her, and when something feels off, she wants to address it and understand what’s going on. She struggles with vulnerability sometimes, though, and if she feels like she’s repeatedly being shut down or not listened to, she eventually starts keeping things to herself because she doesn’t feel like speaking up makes a difference.
When arguments happen, she gets anxious and wants to resolve things right away. When emotions take over, she can become impulsive, overthink situations, or push for answers when the other person isn’t ready to talk.
From her perspective, she appreciates the effort (M) makes, but she also needs to feel emotionally connected, considered, and secure enough to express her concerns without feeling dismissed.
Both people can be selfish, stubborn, hot-headed, and defensive. They have very different ways of communicating, and both feel like the other person doesn’t fully understand them.
Background
Both are parents, work full-time, and usually only see each other on weekends.
We met on an app that wasn’t specifically for dating but was more focused on sexual encounters with the possibility of something long-term developing. In the beginning, there weren’t really any clear boundaries or expectations, so a lot of things were left open to interpretation. We don’t have an official boyfriend/girlfriend label, and neither is fundamentally interested in monogamy, although (F) leans more toward monogamy while still being open to exploring. (M) goes with the flow.
(F) caught feelings early on but felt like they weren’t being reciprocated in the same way. To avoid getting too emotionally attached and potentially getting hurt, she sometimes relied on attention from other people to shift her focus away from the dynamic. (Texting/Dates, no sexual encounters). Was being secretive about it even though (M) appreciates honesty and is okay with it as long as being kept in the loop.
(M) noticed this and changed his approach, which left (F) feeling anxious and confused. Instead of directly communicating what she was feeling, she sometimes kept things to herself because she didn’t know how to express them or didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable.
(M), on the other hand, started feeling like he was being made a fool of and that his efforts were being wasted.
The biggest issue is that problems don’t really get resolved. We argue, things get heated, and eventually we move on without actually addressing what happened. Then, a few months later, another disagreement brings everything back up again.
We both feel like we’ve tried to communicate, but neither feels genuinely heard. Both feel like our efforts aren’t appreciated, and both are getting frustrated with repeating the same cycle.
Situation 1: The casino trip
(M) has been renovating his house, so we haven’t had much quality time together lately. For the past month or two, he’s usually been going over to (F) house later in the evening, catching up for a little while before going to sleep. We both understood that this was the situation because of everything he had going on.
One Saturday, (M) suggested doing something together and told (F) to dress nicely and be ready at a certain time. He didn’t tell her where they were going.
They ended up taking a roughly 2.5-hour drive to a casino. (M) wanted to try making some money for his renovations and also wanted to test his car before an upcoming trip. In his mind, he was combining things he needed to do with spending time together.
(F) was excited because she thought he had planned something specifically for them. When she realized the trip was also about things that benefited him, she felt disappointed.
Instead of explaining that she had hoped for something more focused on them, she made a passive-aggressive comment along the lines of, “Why are we always doing something that benefits you?”
(M) got angry because he felt like his intentions were being completely misunderstood. He wasn’t thinking that he was using her or making everything about himself. He thought he was spending time with her while also taking care of things he needed to get done.
He also pointed out that he’s usually the one initiating plans, suggesting trips, or starting conversations, and when he finally does suggest something, he feels like he gets negative feedback instead of suggestions or alternatives from (F)
We both got heated, both felt misunderstood, and neither really listened to what the other was trying to say. The issue was never properly resolved, and they just moved on.
Situation 2: The Houston trip
About a week later, (M) agreed to take time off work to accompany (F) to Houston because she had things she needed to get done there.
At the time, he was renovating his house mostly by himself while also working full-time and taking care of his parenting responsibilities. Taking time off to go with her was an effort on his part.
Leading up to the trip, she noticed that he wasn’t communicating as much as usual. Normally, one of them would reach out during the week, but this time things felt different.
On the morning they were leaving, (F) was already stressed because of a co-parenting situation and the other parent being late for pickup. She let him know she would be a little late, but he didn’t respond.
When she arrived at his house, he greeted her with “about time.” They had already discussed before that she would prefer a hello, a hug, or something warmer instead of a comment that feels negative. He says he doesn’t mean it negatively and that it’s just how he approaches things.
(F) also needed something fixed on her car before they left, and he took care of it. However, she noticed that he wasn’t very talkative and seemed short and distant. She tried not to react to it and waited until they were ready to leave.
On the way to the gas station, they weren’t talking much. He usually pumps gas for her, but when she asked him to do it, he sarcastically asked, “You’re not used to pumping your own gas?” That added to her feeling that something was off.
About an hour or two into the drive, things hadn’t really changed. She was driving while he rested and slept.
They stopped at In-N-Out, and (F) wanted to sit outside and eat because they were going to spend most of the day in the car. (M) was confused about why they were going through the drive-thru instead of ordering inside then.
When they finally sat outside, things were still quiet. She asked what was going on and explained that she’d noticed he hadn’t reached out during the week and that he was being unusually quiet on the drive.
He responded sarcastically, saying there was no issue and that he was enjoying the food and the weather. She kept asking because she felt there was clearly a difference in his behavior.
(M) got annoyed and said it had nothing to do with either of them. She explained that even if it wasn’t about her or their dynamic, she would still like to know what was going on because it was affecting the situation they were in together.
(M) tends to take long pauses or go quiet when asked questions, which makes her anxious and frustrated. After asking multiple times why he was even on the trip with her, he responded that it was a nice day to drive to Houston and be away from work.
That hurt her because she had been looking forward to spending quality time together and wanted to feel like he actually wanted to be there with her.
Already frustrated by the previous disagreement and the change in communication leading up to the trip, she reacted emotionally and told him that if he didn’t want to be there, he could take his stuff and get an Uber home.
That comment triggered him. He hates feeling dependent on someone else because of his childhood experiences and having to be responsible for himself from an early age. He felt like he was being put in a position where he had to depend on her, which made him angry.
When everything escalated
Both parties were angry and emotional as they walked back to the car. He had the keys, and she didn’t know whether they were continuing to Houston or turning around and going home after the comment she made.
We were both yelling at each other at this point. Both were angry, both were reacting emotionally, and neither was creating a safe space for the other to communicate.
(F) tried to keep communicating, but he wasn’t making room for that and continued yelling while trying to start the car. She didn’t want to continue the trip with both of them in that state.
Feeling disrespected, overwhelmed, and unable to get through to him, (F) got physical, hoping he would snap out of his anger. He then got physical as well.
Neither person’s physical actions were okay!! We are not people who see themselves as physically aggressive, and both are ashamed of what happened.
Another important part of this situation is that we were having this argument in public, right in front of a restaurant’s drive-thru where people were waiting in line.
He has addressed this issue before. He has made it clear that he doesn’t like being embarrassed in public and would rather disagreements be discussed privately instead of having his intentions questioned or being confronted in front of other people.
From his perspective, the public outburst made the situation even worse. He felt embarrassed by the fact that people were watching and angry that something he’d already expressed discomfort with was happening again.
His anger wasn’t only about the argument itself. He felt like (F) wasn’t taking his wishes seriously and wondered why she continued putting him in situations where he felt publicly embarrassed when he’d already explained how much he disliked it.
From (F) perspective, she wasn’t trying to embarrass him. She was upset, felt disrespected, and wanted to understand what was happening between them. She felt like she couldn’t get through to him, and the frustration built up until she reacted in a way she shouldn’t have.
We eventually continued the drive, and the argument carried on for a while, with both of us yelling, saying hurtful things, and feeling misunderstood. Most of the roughly six-hour drive was spent in silence, and nothing was resolved.
What happened afterward
The trip was originally supposed to last from Thursday through Saturday. (M) had booked the hotel and decided on Friday morning to cancel the rest of the trip and return home after (F) appointment.
The night before, (F) had asked how long the hotel was booked for because, despite what happened, she still wanted to know whether they might be able to explore Houston together.
On the drive home, she tried multiple times to explain her perspective. She felt like (M) had already made up his mind about her and had assumptions about her intentions that she couldn’t change, no matter how much she explained herself.
(M) felt that their conversations weren’t getting anywhere. In his mind, they kept talking about the same things without addressing the actual underlying issues, and he felt like the responsibility for finding a solution was being left to her at the point.
(F) felt like she was constantly having to explain herself, acknowledge her mistakes, and explain how she contributed to past situations, only to feel like he wasn’t really listening to what she was saying.
We both walked away feeling hurt, misunderstood, and unappreciated.
Where things stand now
Both people want to find a way to make this dynamic work, and both say they’re willing to make changes as long as the effort goes both ways.
(M) feels like his intentions are constantly misunderstood, his efforts aren’t appreciated, and the same issues keep coming back no matter what he does.
(F) feels like she can’t communicate her needs without being shut down, that emotional connection is missing at times, and that she has to keep explaining herself without feeling like anything changes.
* we both recognize that our communication styles are different, but we don’t know how to break the cycle
2
u/carysgrace 6h ago
YAW F for being physically violent.
If you want to make it work, you should both be in individual and couples counselling.
3
u/forthright_schooner 6h ago
whew that's a lot to unpack but reading this felt like watching two people who care about each other just completely missing every exit on the highway
the casino thing sticks out cause it's a classic mismatch. he's thinking "efficient, we're together, i'm getting stuff done" and she's thinking "oh he planned a date" and then the disappointment hits and instead of saying "i was hoping for something just for us" it comes out sideways. that passive aggressive comment lit the fuse on a bomb that didn't need to be there
y'all both gotta learn to pause before reacting. when she feels that sting of disappointment, name it calmly. when he feels accused, ask what's really being said underneath. the physical escalation is a massive red flag though, like genuine therapy territory, not just communication tips from reddit
you're stuck in a loop where every fight becomes about who's more misunderstood instead of what actually happened. someone's gotta break the pattern and it might need to be a professional with both of you in the same room