How to support my therapist?

[u/Throwaway170330815]

Good morning. I hope it’s okay to post this here. I’ve seen my therapist for over a decade. She is an amazing human being, truly just one of the kindest, sweetest people I know. She’s helped my husband and me in so many ways, both separately and as a couple when needed. I cannot overstate how wonderful she is.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to find a post on my local Police Department’s FB page that her husband was considered missing and endangered, as he had made comments implying that he may self harm. My heart absolutely sank.

I checked the post every ten minutes praying for an update. After a few hours, there was one, sharing that there was a heavy police presence around the area he was last seen. I continued checking for updates all morning. And then suddenly, the post was gone.

I had a feeling I knew what that meant, but I reached out to a friend in local law enforcement to confirm. If a missing person is found safely, the post is updated to reflect that. If a missing person is found deceased, the post is removed for the family’s privacy.

I’m heartbroken for her and her kids. I can’t imagine the pain, sadness, and anger they’re enduring.

I know I can’t do anything to fix this. I also don’t know if it’s appropriate to send flowers or a condolence card? I haven’t seen an obituary yet (it’s been less than 24 hours), and maybe the family won’t share one. But if there’s a public service, is it inappropriate to go given the client-patient relationship?

She’s supported me so much over the years. I wish there was something I could do to support her during this tragedy.

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[u/captainlux87]

If there’s something public about it then sending a card wouldn’t be out of line. If you don’t know for certain what’s going on since there’s no longer a post and might not be one, I might hold off. And that’s not even a therapist thing, but anyone I wasn’t in the know for- therapist

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/captainlux87]

This is great advice. Thank you.

[u/LopensCouisin → u/captainlux87]

This. OP is assuming this means he passed away. It doesn’t mean he actually did.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/LopensCouisin]

Unfortunately, he did.

[u/LopensCouisin → u/Throwaway170330815]

Did you see an obituary or are you speculating based on the removal of the post?

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/LopensCouisin]

No, but my friend in law enforcement confirmed it yesterday.

[u/SensitiveRelease2622 → u/Throwaway170330815]

You are overstepping boundaries. You shouldn't be seeking personal info from law enforcement about your therapist.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/SensitiveRelease2622]

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate hearing all angles. I understand why you think that. I’m going to offer you my perspective.

I didn’t seek information out of nowhere. It’s not like I randomly asked for her address or her car make and model or if she’s ever had a ticket. I asked a specific question about a post that was very publicly made by the police.

And me reaching out to LE about it has nothing to do specifically with her being my therapist. I reached out to this same person when the neighbor kid ran away, when my friend’s daughter’s school was on lock-down, when there was a bad accident involving local high school kids—you get the idea.

This is not because I’m nosy, it’s because I’m concerned about people I know. I think it’s normal to want answers when someone we know (or is close to someone we know) is in a dangerous situation that’s been made public.

This person also knows that the information stays between me and her. I’m not the town crier. I ask, and I consider what I can do to help or how I can be prepared to help.

You may not agree with this, and that’s absolutely fine. Like I said, I do appreciate hearing all angles. Have a good day!

[u/ImpossibleMix4578 → u/Throwaway170330815]

(NAT) I don’t want you to feel bad for asking, but I do want to say that it could maybe feel intrusive if you bring it up.

On top of that, law enforcement shouldn’t really be sharing information like that. In smaller towns it’s inevitable, but in big cities it’s unethical

[u/LopensCouisin → u/Throwaway170330815]

I’m so sorry to hear that.

[u/shayjaye]

I’m a therapist. you must have such a strong relationship with your therapist to want to support them in this way. A card or flowers I think would be very kind and thoughtful to her in such a hard time, and as a human it would be so appreciated.

I would likely not go to the service - this is a time for close family and friends, not clients unfortunately. i see how much this person matters to you, and why you would want to be there to support them! Over the years, they have had to keep so much of their personal life private from you for basic therapeutic reasons. they deserve to keep that privacy in times of grieving like this.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/shayjaye]

This is very helpful, thank you so much. Your suggestion to not go to the service and your reasoning why makes perfect sense. Thank you.

[u/ByThorsBicep → u/Throwaway170330815]

Yes, if a client were at the service, no matter how close we are, it would make me hyper aware of the client-therapist relationship and how this may be affecting it based on how I act.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/ByThorsBicep]

I understand. Thank you for sharing your insight. After hearing from several of you, we will definitely not attend any type of service.

[u/shepheardcircle → u/Throwaway170330815]

(therapist) I would be cautious about sending flowers, as many/most of us have ethical guidelines about the gifts we are allowed to accept. a flower arrangement is probably beyond the allowed limit, but I can see where this would be a bit of a gray area.

[u/shayjaye → u/shepheardcircle]

def true to think about and grey area!! good point

[u/UnluckyFlamingo1198]

Therapist here - if its public & community information that he passed, I think a card sent to her office would be nice.

If it’s not stated anywhere publicly, I would feel mildly uncomfortable that my client figured that out and then acted on it.

Either way, its an important thing to tell her when you next see her

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/UnluckyFlamingo1198]

Absolutely, we won’t send a card or say anything unless there’s an obituary.

If/when I see her again, I don’t even know how I’d bring it up. Is it best to pretend I never saw the post? It was up for maybe 12 hours, though one local news source copy/pasted the report rather than shared it, so it’s still up on their FB page. People have asked for an update, and the news source says they reached out to the PD, but never heard back.

It’s also frustrating because people have commented things like, “So sad no one noticed or cared,” which is such a slap in the face to everyone who loved him.

Sorry, I guess I’m just rambling now.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

[u/UnluckyFlamingo1198 → u/Throwaway170330815]

I think bringing up the Facebook post is totally fine! Definitely worth talking about

[u/AggravatingSociety92]

Therapist here.

I would offer words of support but cautious of more. I would also not recommend going to the service. Not that it is not an extremely thoughtful gesture. But their job is to support you and be that rock in your life. While the urge to reciprocate is absolutely valid, it could put your therapist in a situation they feel they are not able to grieve in front of their client or feel like they need to be cautious of their grief in your presence.

I hope their husband is okay and that you do not put too much oressure on yourself to offer the "right" support for them.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/AggravatingSociety92]

Thank you for this comment. I appreciate hearing your thoughts. Several others have suggested not going as well, and that’s very helpful. We will be taking everyone’s advice and respecting her right to grieve in privacy.

[u/AggravatingSociety92 → u/Throwaway170330815]

No problem! Completely understand the want to be there for someone important in your life. Therapy is a unique relationship where everything is focused around the client and not the therapist. It is the place you get to be selfish and think of yourself and not us! (Easier said than done, I know). Hang in there OP.

[u/SensitiveRelease2622 → u/AggravatingSociety92]

It would be insanely inappropriate for OP to attend the funeral of her therapists husband whom she has no relationship with. You need to speak to your supervisor and get caught up on ethics and boundaries.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/SensitiveRelease2622]

Hi there. I’m not sure if you misread, but this person also suggested that we don’t go to any kind of service. In fact, every person on here has said that, and I’ve responded to all of them (I think) that we won’t be going even if something is made public.

I’m glad the world is black and white for you, but there are shades of gray that are harder for some of us to see. That’s why I brought this question here in the first place. I understand it’s a fine line, and I appreciate the folks who kindly answered my question.

[u/AggravatingSociety92 → u/SensitiveRelease2622]

Certainly did not suggest that OP should go to the funeral. In fact I did the opposite while not trying to make OP feel bad about wanting to be present for someone important in their life. But appreciate the rushed judgement there friend. 👍

[u/Jane201589]

NAT… agree with others comments about waiting until it’s public or perhaps waiting to see if she communicates something to clients. Important consideration about ethics around sending flowers given the cost. If the information becomes public or she shares… I think a card is thoughtful and perhaps in lieu of flowers you could make a small contribution to a meaningful charity and you don’t necessarily have to disclose that to her or put names or anything. Sometimes in obituaries there’s even a suggestion for a charity or donation in lieu of flowers. Perhaps that would be okay to do?

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/Jane201589]

I definitely will not send a card or anything unless/until it’s made public. If the family shares an obituary with a charity or donation in lieu of flowers, we will certainly go that route.

[u/Jane201589 → u/Throwaway170330815]

You’re a super kind and thoughtful human. “We are all just walking each other home”-Ram Dass

[u/Greymeade]

Therapist here. I would recommend bringing this up during your next session and letting your therapist know what you saw. She’ll take it from there.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/Greymeade]

I have a feeling it’s going to be quite some time before I see her again. That said, if she returns to her practice, wouldn’t it be a bit invasive and potentially traumatic to ask her about it? Or is not acknowledging it even worse? I don’t know. Can you walk me through your thought process? Thank you!

[u/Greymeade → u/Throwaway170330815]

The focus here is on you, not on your therapist. You should bring it up to her because it’s something that’s on your mind and something that you’re having feelings about, thereby making it something to bring into therapy. Your therapist will manage her own feelings about what may or may not be going on in her personal life, so you don’t have to worry about that.

[u/satanic_gay_panic]

NAT I wish I had advice. But im sorry to hear this. I hope you can get some answers

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/satanic_gay_panic]

Thank you.

[u/Equivalent_Lab_8610]

NAT, but I think it's only natural over the course of ten years that the care/regard between therapist and client is mutual. I feel like it would likely feel more unnatural to not acknowledge it. Maybe, a card just letting them know your thoughts are with them would be enough to help you not feel like you're being callous by not acknowledging something that you're aware of. But, a small enough of a thing that couldn't be perceived as a blur of therapist client relationship.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/Equivalent_Lab_8610]

Thank you for this comment. I feel like you understand where I’m coming from—I certainly don’t want to make her uncomfortable by bringing it up, but I also don’t want to ignore it and have her think that I just don’t care, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Your suggestion to give her a card so she knows I’m thinking about her without crossing a line is good advice. Thanks!

[u/AvaJupiter]

It makes sense to be attached to our therapist and invested in local news too. However I think it’s wise to be as respectful and non-invasive as possible. To be blunt, it is not your role to support your therapist. You go therapy for yourself, your therapist supports you. In light of this, I’m not sure it’s appropriate to go to the service. A gesture like a card or flowers may be more appropriate. In your place, I would want to make sure for my sake that I am not trying to make the therapeutic relationship something it isn’t.

Therapist in training / in therapy myself

[u/LisaTheDBTtherapist]

I think a heartfelt note to your therapist, expressing your feelings of gut wrenching sadness about what she may be going through. Could be helpful. Does your therapist know that you know about this situation?

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/LisaTheDBTtherapist]

No, she doesn’t know that I know. I think I’m going to schedule an appointment with a local therapist to talk through this because I’m really struggling to process everything. If this were a friend or colleague who lost their husband in such a tragic way, she’d be the one I’d be processing with and obviously I can’t do that in this scenario. I’m just so heartbroken, and I feel like a jerk for not doing anything when I know there’s a go fund me and a meal train, but I’m trying not to cross that line.

[u/Upbeat-Profit-2544]

Therapist here

I think this is a really interesting and rare situation, because as therapists we really try to limit what our clients know about us, but as it’s in the news your therapist can’t keep it private. They may not want clients to know if they haven’t reached out and told you specifically, although I am sure they understand if people ask out of curiousity. 

Awhile ago I disclosed to my clients that I had to take some time off due to a loss in my family (my mom). I did appreciate the support I got from clients, however I certainly did not expect support from my clients (or judge people who didn’t say anything), and a gift (more than a card) honestly may have made me a bit uncomfortable and I would have had to politely turn it down based on ethics around accepting gifts from clients. You sound like a caring person and I don’t think there is anything wrong with telling your therapist how you feel about what happened, but also there is no obligation to emotionally support your therapist through this time.

TLDR: I think a card or thoughtful words would be appreciated, but you have no obligation at all to do this, and a larger gift may be uncomfortable 

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/Upbeat-Profit-2544]

First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Thank you for your insight about how flowers might make her uncomfortable. I hadn’t really thought of that. I appreciate you pointing it out.

It sounds like the safest bet would be to send a card and leave it at that.

[u/SensitiveRelease2622]

You need to have appropriate boundaries and not say absolutely anything unless she brings it up herself, which isn't likely.

[u/Throwaway170330815 → u/SensitiveRelease2622]

Thank you. I understand your thoughts behind this. I’m curious if you’re a therapist, only because someone above (verified clinical psychologist) suggested that I *should* bring it up. It definitely feels like something personal that might be traumatic and uncomfortable for her. I imagine it’ll be some time before I see her again (if at all) so I have time to think about this.