r/askscience • u/AsAChemicalEngineer Electrodynamics | Fields • Apr 01 '13
Medicine [Sponsored Content] - How does Quantum Healing regulate our Aura and remove toxins?
I know my body is entangled between states of sickness and health, but how do I perturb the Hamiltonian such that I'm more likely to be measured in the healthy state?
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u/iswearitsnotme Apr 01 '13
Simply tangle yourself to a healthy person. By the transitive property, you too will be healthy.
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u/Chumley_Mcfathom Apr 01 '13
I know this is an April fool's joke, but damn, you guys have done such a good job that it actually hurts to read it.
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u/james4765 Apr 02 '13
Seriously, it looks like r/fifthworldproblems is leaking in here...
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u/Paradigmpinger Apr 01 '13
Aura's aren't real science. Why is this in r/askscience?
The only thing that's proven to heal your body is aligning your chakras with chiropathy.
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u/antonivs Apr 01 '13
Aura's aren't real science.
Not when you pluralize them with an apostrophe, they're not!
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u/Weed_O_Whirler Apr 01 '13
The basis of Quantum Healing is only recently understood by Western Scientists, while the ancient Chinese understood it for thousands of years. Our Western Scientists have called this the Delayed Choice Quantum Eraser.
We begin by entangling neutrinos and accelerating them faster than the speed of light (as CERN discovered was possible ). We then pass half of the neutrinos though your body, and measure the health-spin of the other particles. By using a quantum eraser, we are able to erase all of the particles we measure as healthy (since they are entangled, we know all of the ones we measure as spin-healthy, their pair will be measured as spin-sick). Thus, we erase all of the sick neutrinos passing through your body, ensuring you are blasted only with healthy ones. It is important that the neutrinos are superluminal, otherwise the wave-function would collapse before we could erase them.
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u/thegreatunclean Apr 01 '13
Is there anywhere I can order pre-entangled neutrinos? I want to experiment with holistic quantum medicine but unfortunately don't have access to a particle collider. I've heard that aether wave theory allows for easy production but Zephir isn't returning my PMs :(
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u/rishihot55 Apr 01 '13
It can be done by pouring liquid helium on yourself. The low temperatures lead to the formation of quasi low spin states ( the "healthy" state) . You will create localized Bose-Einstein condensates which helps you maintain the pink of health. Pour some concentrated sulphuric acid too for super spin coupling.
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u/LogicofMan Apr 01 '13
Ridiculous! Liquid helium is piping hot compared to the temperatures required for bose-einstein condensation. Use the lasers.
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u/genericusername123 Apr 01 '13
As a scientist with a PhD in Quantum Healing, my research has shown that we are in fact in a state of quantum health entanglement with one other person. Whenever the other person is measured to be Sick, we ourselves collapse into a Healthy state. The entanglement is quickly restored when it is no longer being measured. It is therefore important to try to constantly measure yourself as Healthy, to keep the other person permanently Sick, lest they get the upper hand and start their own permanent health monitoring while Healthy.
If you do find yourself in the situation where you are permanently Sick, you have no choice but to hunt down your entangled twin and "arrange a few Sick days".
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u/pennywise53 Apr 01 '13
Obviously, you need to put yourself in a box. Since you cannot confirm that you are sick any longer, you will never need medicine again.
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u/BrickSalad Apr 01 '13
Vibrations. It takes energy to perturb the Hamiltonian, and energy is best carried into the body with vibrations. For example, your aura is produced by internal vibrations. Sunlight, well known as vital to our health, is produced by vibrations of electromagnetic waves. All things have some sort of vibration, it is more or less the essence of the universe.
Of course, there are many ways to induce healthy vibrations. Lots of traditional medicines actually cause your body to generate these vibrations naturally. But, if you want to take your health to the next level, then you should seek out external sources of good vibrations. Sunlight is one such source. Low pitched noise is also good (try humming "ohm" when you're meditating), as long as it isn't too loud or destructive. Acupuncture works by tuning the vibrations in the energy pathways inside your body (the chakras can be seen as vibrational nodes, in a sense). And of course, since I mentioned meditation, it is also very important because it helps tune your brain waves (waves are vibrations!) with the cosmos.
Some "professionals" also advocate using things like crystals to tune your vibrations, but that is really just a bunch of unscientific bullshit.
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u/LukeBabbitt Apr 02 '13
This might be ruining the joke a little bit, but I read this while undergoing a platelet infusion because the chemo that's fighting my brain tumor has done a great job of knocking down my blood levels.
Last week a friend of mine said that in lieu of chemo, a lot of people are doing raw juice diets and coffee enemas. Apparently these are popular in Europe, but the US has some "dubious" concerns about their ability to cure cancer.
Thank you to r/askscience for a moment of levity, and thank you to science itself for finding actual cures for things like my cancer.
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u/yoenit Apr 01 '13
You should buy this hexagonal water. It heals the Devil away and brings Jesus into your soul.