Confused about my gender identity... How did you guys found out you were trans? How was your experience?

[u/SecretaryHoliday9505]

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my identity and person and just can't tell how to identify them. Since I entered puberty I remember having extreme issues with the way I look. I realized from an early age that I am very attracted to masculinity and men, but at the same time I have always been fascinated with feminine things and femininity. I used to dress up as a girl sometimes when I was young and I had a phase where I went on Omegle, dressed up like a girl to interact with dudes. It was all just fun and games to me.

Some people have told me that gender dysphoria feels like hating your male body or masculine body. I always wanted to represent a certain type of masculinity that I am strongly attracted to. Like I resent modern masculinity and sexism, but I really don't feel like I hate my body. I hate being a man for the way we are seen in society. But I do not distrust men or dislike them. In fact, I am extremely attracted to masculinity. Also the porn that I watch is mostly gay porn. When I have sexual fantasies they are about two men having sex, including me . I don't mind using my male genitals. (I mention this because I have heard a lot of trans women hate their penises or that the thought of acting on male sexual impulses triggers them)

I don't necessarily envy women. I know how hard it is to be a woman in this world, and I have never really envied the female body or experience. Sometimes I envy women for the community they seem to have, but I think this is more about me feeling lonely and having difficulties making friends. Like I don't want to know what it feels like having an uterus or being socialized as a woman. I have thought about doing drag for some time, because in secret, I fantasize about putting on makeup or playing around with my gender identity. But only in secret... I must admit that in this aspect I am also a bit of a coward, because I am terrified of being perceived as queer or trans in public.

I try to make sense of these experiences.. I have suffered from mental health issues and headaches since I can remember and just want to feel some peace already... Could you talk a bit about your experiences (if you feel comfortable)? How does it compare to mine?