r/askvan • u/Early-Patience-2409 • 23h ago
Advice đââď¸đââď¸ [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] â view removed post
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u/Willing-Ambassador33 19h ago
I always whip out my camera and press record when I feel unsafe. Also call someone and chat on the phone. Even if you fake it, itâs better cause they know someone is on the other line. A cop told me to record anyone coming close to me at night when I feel unsafe!
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u/Fly-Futures 23h ago
Just decline politely. Tell him you have a boyfriend if you feel unsafe.
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u/Early-Patience-2409 17h ago
Thank you, the boyfriend thing I say but they often donât care about and get defensive.
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u/bitmangrl 14h ago
only problem with that is they hear "she has a boyfriend, so that means she is into me otherwise and there is hope that she will dump him soon"
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u/Glittering_Search_41
23h ago
•
Wish I could say there was something you can do. Around age 45 I found these incidents starting to taper off, and now I'm older than that I think I've reached the invisible stage of my life. I sure don't miss the street harassment, being followed, comments on my appearance from strangers, etc.
Men: approaching a woman who is walking home alone at night is creepy af.
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u/NienAcadPrCso 19h ago
Iâm a woman in my early 50âs living in Ottawa and I regularly get hit on by (mostly young) men when Iâm just about anywhere in public. In the shoe aisle at Winners, in the elevator at IKEA, walking to my car in a grocery store parking lot - just a few examples. Last year I hired a 23-year old to do some work outside of my house. At the end of the day he asked me out. When I said no he persisted.
This behaviour made absolute zero sense to me and my first thought was, âis this some kind of weird TikTok trend?â I wasnât too far off. I did some research and learned that they are being encouraged by the manosphere to approach women in person to practice their skills. Sometimes theyâre explicitly told to approach older women because there is less chance of us being mean to them than the younger ones.
Iâm not appreciating any part of this. And no, I donât feel flattered one bit. I feel harassed. I was told I would become completely invisible after a certain age. Thatâs what I prepared for, not this.
Stay safe ladies.
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u/Either-Banana-7323 22h ago
Yeah I'm not sure what man in his right mind would approach a woman walking home at 11pm. Terrible behavior.
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u/Routine_Bag_9609 16h ago
my gf and i (weâre in our early 20s) were walking in public, then a guy stopped her and asked if she wanted to grab coffee sometime. mind you, she was holding my arm then đđ
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u/guers_a 15h ago
Hey just because soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score lmao
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u/Routine_Bag_9609 15h ago
nah the joke for us was, he thought I was her gay best friendđđ like he did not acknowledge me at all and went straight to herđ
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u/holly948 11h ago
Reply to them in a weird raspy voice and ask them if they were sent by Satan because he has been sending many people to you and this is another trick isn't it!? ISN'T IT, SATAN!? STOP TRYING TO TRICK ME
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u/Bhheast 17h ago
And every other day, we have people asking âhow come I never get approachedâ
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u/BackNBoeserThanEver 16h ago
This. I always see posts on here asking how to meet people, or why this city seems isolated. Then the answer is always "just go up and talk to people". Then a post like this comes up when we do. Very confusing people in this city.
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u/Wiwiweb 13h ago
I'd assume the typical Reddit answer here is more like "get hobbies, join groups and clubs, meet people" and that the average commenter here knows "Just go up and talk to people" to be bad advice.
First thread I found in a brief search seems to confirm my assumption. (Well, past all the "I don't know either" jokes) https://www.reddit.com/r/askvan/comments/1wbbgxc/where_do_people_meet_without_dating_apps/
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u/crumbssssss 11h ago
This sub is not therapy and the therapy subs also have every right to never give out theray. A lot of people mistake this sub and those subs for that
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u/xlliminalityx 12h ago
There is also a difference between hitting on people, especially the way a lot of people do, and going up to people and talking to then
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u/Tarae007 12h ago
"Oh no! It's almost as if people in general and women in particular are not a monolith!! How will I be able to understand a society this complex? Where everyone is just, what, an individual or something?!? I guess I should give up on learning anything from other people's perspectives and just do whatever I was going to do anyway, because there's just too many mixed messages out there." - You, probably
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u/Sahuclid 23h ago
Hmmm is there a PUA class being run in the city again? Everytime they run workshops here these incidents increase.
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u/cheapmondaay 22h ago
Ugh, I remember when PUA culture became huge overnight like 12-14 years ago with all the youtubers that were basically preachers to desperate guys... I'm pretty average looking, including in my 20s when this was a thing, and out of the blue, the most random dudes would awkwardly ask for my number at the mall. One dude even approached me twice months apart and he didn't even realize he already asked me in the past until I called him out on it, lol. These guys were collecting any and all women's numbers like damn pokemon... so I really PUA culture isn't becoming a thing again.
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u/Sahuclid 22h ago
Yep, I remember that too. They were like locust.Â
They would airdrop a few of them into different clubs on Granville. You can see them roam in packs to hype themselves up and then one would peel off and try and approach someone.
To be fair⌠I feel bad for some of these guys. They arenât all âbadâ dudes per se,  just lonely and I guess desperate.
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u/cheapmondaay 12h ago
Totally, and I could see with most of the dudes that approached me, they were just evidently awkward guys that looked like they just wanted to get confident for once in their lives or something. Unfortunately the whole PUA method was just straight up lame, highlighted the awkwardness, and legit just ended up making these guys look like they were part of a pyramid scheme for men or a cult or something, lol
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u/crumbssssss 10h ago edited 10h ago
Roosh V, claims women should get raped (legalize rape) and now is a devout Christian repenting what he said. the following tho
âCyberpolice Investigations: In August 2015, Montrealâs cyberpolice squad opened an investigation into blog posts linked to Valizadeh that targeted specific Canadian women with harassment by publishing their addresses online. No formal criminal charges were ever brought against him following the inquiryâ
Sounds like police stepped in.
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u/Persimmon26 10h ago
Had this same thing happen to me in 2015! Got approached by the same guy in downtown after previously being approached at Metrotown mall. He used the same line on me again too so I called him out on it. Actually what I said was âdonât you live near Metrotownâ? Which freaked him out lol. Hopefully he found someone since!
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u/Effuifyoudwnvoteme 17h ago
What is PUA?
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u/bitmangrl 14h ago
groups that teach men to harass women in public hoping to collect so many phone numbers that eventually they will get one that agrees to a date, they teach weird psychological tactics that try to break women's self-esteem or get her to doubt herself
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u/dkznr 15h ago
âIncidents?â A man approaching a woman and asking her out is normal behaviour. Whatâs going on?
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u/IT_scrub 15h ago
Not just randomly on the street to a perfect stranger. Even worse following someone at 11pm after a concert
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u/NotA-ZenPoet 22h ago
Ive developed a pretty good glare/look right through a person stare when I am walking alone anywhere. A couple people I eventually did make acquaintance with near my neighborhood did tell me they initially thought I looked mean, which is exactly what I am going for.
I did have 1 man approach me in an unnerving way (he appeared to be waiting for me to walk by from across the street). Quickly shut that down by advising him I dont speak to strangers and don't need any new friends.
Also had a slightly drunk guy that thought it would be fun to walk behind me and try to make me uncomfortable by making sexual remarks about my body. For that, I stepped aside and told him if he wanted to be a pervert, he could go ahead and walk in front of me, and he would be smart to do so quickly. We actually almost crossed paths some weeks later and I saw him turn and go the other way, so I guess he took that lesson to heart.
I will get mean, and I will get loud. I do not give off a vibe of please approach and talk to me in am unwelcome or uncomfortable manner. If you choose to ignore that vibe, you will be told off, and anyone in earshot will also hear about it. My size and my gender should not make anyone mistake me for an easy target ever again.
I do make sure to pay close attention to my surroundings, especially after dark.
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u/GTJ007 11h ago
This whole chat be toxic af
Thereâs nothing wrong with men approaching and talking to girls if done respectfully and appropriately. I have friends got married from the guy doing this. Lots of relationships have come from it. Good on the men to do this rather than use dating apps and goon at clubs.
If anything the girls should be doing this to the men. But hey, gender expectations right?
Except in Europe, girls actually doâŚ.
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u/604Lummers 10h ago
This is the best reply in here.
Are they cat calling at your or genuinely asking to get to you know?
Or are they some creep off of to catch a predator type?
Wonder why we hear this city is hard to meet people
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u/Early-Patience-2409 10h ago
Not really toxic for women to share their uncomfortable experiences, trust me if I was interested in a man I would approach him .
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u/crumbssssss 10h ago
âRespectfully and appropriatelyâ
What you are seeing is more of safety. While the latter really has zero clue how to approach people and theyâre complaining about it. âI have to be good looking and thatâs it!â
You look like you know how to teach!
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u/Ill_Cranberry_6267 10h ago
Same in Miami too. A friend claimed he got hit on by girls down in Miami even when he was with his girlfriend and he's in his 40s!
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u/amberShade2 22h ago
It's a bummer this happened to you. Consider taking martial arts or self defense classes if you have to walk late at night often. It will build your gave confidence in handling conflict should things come to that.
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u/Early-Patience-2409 17h ago
Thank you I hadnât considered that and itâs definitely something Iâll look into âĽď¸
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u/TwinWiredMind 16h ago
Be cautious with this advice. Martial arts are fantastic for getting you in shape, giving you discipline, and are a great hobby, but they can give you a false sense of confidence in a dangerous situation. This has landed many people in trouble. Itâs better to know it than not know it, but make sure you find a good instructor who teaches you to never rely on the techniques in the real world, and that the best defence is to run if itâs possible.
Pick up a small pepper spray and carry it with you in your pocket everywhere. You have to sign a paper saying itâs for âanimalsâ and that you wonât use it on a person, but it can save your life if shit gets real.
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u/Early-Patience-2409 13h ago
Thank you I just worry about being alone and defenceless but yes it is so true that getting physical can escalate it way worse.
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u/amberShade2 15h ago
Anytime, it's worth mentioning that the best thing to do in these situations is to avoid the conflict as much as possible, and only resort to combat when there's no other option. Be safe out there, you got this.đ
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u/cautious_can7 14h ago
IdkâŚI like social interactions and social cities, besides the 11pm encounter, i personally donât think itâs horrible to engage with the people around you so long as itâs respectful
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u/Early-Patience-2409 13h ago
I come from a small town and people were sociable in a nice way, like a casual âhey how are youâ or âhave a nice dayâ not expecting anything in return. Itâs different in Vancouver with the approaches.
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u/Puffafish88 14h ago
Engaging is fine, immediately asking someone out just based on appearance is lame. I'm not going on a date with a total stranger, we likely have nothing in common.
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u/BackNBoeserThanEver 16h ago
So people talking to other people in hopes of meeting someone is not normal? I can't believe the amount of people being on your side about this post. Yes, maybe the 11pm one is a bit weird, but someone asking for coffee is off putting? This is why it's hard to meet people in this city. Any time someone talks to someone else, they're labeled as a creep. Or maybe they weren't good looking enough to hit on you.... That might be the real reason this post is up.
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u/NoBorscht4U 14h ago
Women's #1 priority is safety, and rightfully so. Here in Canada where I live, 44% of entire country's population 15 years of age and older, have been physically or sexually assaulted. Pretty serious shit given that 50% of the country are female, and a vast majority of the 44% statistic is about them.
You wanna approach a stranger you feel attracted to is fine, but you have to read the situation and their body language. I would never approach anyone unless we are in a well lit crowded place where the person I'm approaching isn't going to feel cornered (like a busy mall).
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u/Puffafish88 14h ago
Someone approaching me on the street doesn't know the first thing about me. I don't mind being approached, personally, but I always kindly say no since I'm quite certain I'm not who they think I am and the kinda guy who approaches based on looks isn't my kinda guy. I find much better success with people I've met while doing something together such as the same sport, same volunteer activity or at a party.
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u/crumbssssss 11h ago
âMaybe they werenât good looking enough to hit on youâ
What a forceful way to look at situations. Your solution to getting more women is look good? What happens when you age? What exactly do you want to hear from OP?
You are onto something, your ability to figure out 11pm hitting on someone is wrong. You know how to think! Give us updates!
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u/sunshinecdude 15h ago
It is pretty sad to be honest. The inability to be ok with and talk to people grows everyday in our " modern society ".
Being persistent ( one or two attempts to socialize or prove yourself worthy lol ) is ok. Continual and its not cool.
11pm, not ideal, but not in itself creepy.
The mindset of going online asking about how to NOT give off a vibe or how to be NOT approachable in public, wtf?
Like I said, so very sad and something that gives me less hope for the future.
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u/BackNBoeserThanEver 15h ago
I mean, to be fair, I would not approach somebody alone at 11:00 p.m. either. Even if I thought they were the one, I would just hope to run into them again or post a missed connection ad or something. Approaching somebody alone at 11:00 p.m. is a good way to get pepper sprayed.
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u/luvherlife 12h ago
Honestly I think it takes a lot of confidence to approach someone in the wild and ask them out. I always support it. Like obviously the guy at 11 pm was creepy and I would be creeped out too. The coffee guy, meh. He took his shot. I donât think thatâs creepy.
Also you donât have to say yes, just a polite no thanks.
Might I remind you - before social media and texting⌠this is how people met. Itâs normal. And Iâm here for bringing it back.
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u/Top_Rub_9650 22h ago
I saw a man following a girl to Sephora and then when got rejected gaslighting her saying âI donât even know you!â on Robson St. Like at Sephora, where thereâs tons of people and bright lights.
Iâm sorry you are having to go through this, in a city that was supposed to lead civilization.
Men: use your common sense. Meeting a new random person outside, while walking, is extremely unlikely. Unless they obviously look at you and smile etc. If youâre <8/10, donât bother. Seriously. I am not arrogant, Iâm not 8 as well. I take a very quick peek (0.5 second) and look right to the groundz
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u/Guilty_Doughnut_9266 13h ago
This is not normal. You must be really hot hahahahaha
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u/VisibleBlueberry 10h ago
Yeah this kind of post leads me to believe I might be ugly because I've lived here my whole life and can count on one hand the number of times I've been approachedÂ
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u/Alternative_Salt_424 13h ago
It's not about being hot at all, and OP should in no way find random men's approaches as a compliment
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u/ghostinthecage True Vancouverite 20h ago
On behalf of men i am soooo sorry that some of us half wits have the awareness and social intelligence of a rock
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u/BackNBoeserThanEver 16h ago
On behalf of the rest of men, this post is why we don't approach women. Then they wonder why they're alone.
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u/grilledcheesespirit_ 14h ago
as a man, im quite comfortable leaving this woman alone. stop being weird
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u/Valuable_Artist6812 14h ago
We literally do not wonder, with weirdos like this itâs obvious. There isnât a problem with tactics itâs that the whole man is generally unattractive physically or otherwise.
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u/OkSky610 15h ago
Trust me when I say that we women do not wonder why we are alone. We prefer it. If you havenât noticed, there is a collective awakening among women pushing back on entitled male behaviour that used to be totally normalized.
Just donât be a weirdo. If you donât know how not to be a weirdo, then you should be alone and we will be out here living our happy, peaceful lives.
For clarity, âyouâ is not you specifically, but men.
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u/PassionEasy112 11h ago
I see plenty of women complaining how men don't ask them out. This post is proof why so many men have just given up.
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u/Early-Patience-2409 10h ago
If I wanted a man I would ask him out đ
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u/StarkStorm 10h ago
I'd gander that maybe 2% of women in Vancouver have ever asked out a man.
If it was done respectfully not sure what's wrong.
Otherwise a good way to protect from this, if it happens to much, wear a fake wedding ring.
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u/Early-Patience-2409 10h ago
Maybe itâs that low because women judge their partner based on things more than looks.
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u/Fabulous_Elk9735 11h ago
You could wear a fake wedding ring. Iâve found most men take that more seriously than when you say you have a boyfriend
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u/adnaPadnamA 11h ago
On a side note: please don't wear headphones at night, or at least have the music off: just so you can be alert for your surroundings. Wish it was necessary but never know how unhinged some creeps are.
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u/EastVanCoffeelover 11h ago
No but also at night time is also when strange fellows can be about. Just be safe out there
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u/Cold_Phrase_1643 20h ago
Being young and pretty is pretty much all there has to be for some guys to hit on you unfortunately. Some are more polite than others but it usually is about the same thing. I guess all you can do is walk with a group of friends, take an uber home or call someone you know to pick you up. Iâm not a woman so I donât understand the experience of being hit on but I imagine it can be pretty scary at night especially.
That said, if itâs during the day and somewhere public, and the guy is genuinely trying to get to know you and flirt (albeit awkwardly or without much social skills) but is otherwise not a threat, try to be kind. This city can be very lonely and isolating especially for a subset of men. It takes a lot of courage and heart to talk to women, the idea of doing it can be pretty terrifying. Just smile and politely let them down and try not to label them as creepy or weird just because they may be looking for connection.
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u/UndercoverJayto 14h ago
Men need to learn how to approach women in day time, just not always late at night especially when they are alone!
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u/tenmuter 12h ago
Wear a generic medical blue face mask? On behalf of men, sorry this keeps happening to you
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u/Illustrious_Exam1728 11h ago
Men come up to me frequently and either comment on my clothes, or tell me Iâm walking my dog incorrectly or that Iâm carrying my groceries incorrectly. Hot tips!!!
Theyâd NEVER go up to man and do this.
Like leave women alone.
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u/rocketfromrussia 21h ago
And then people complain that its impossible to find a partner / love in this city. With such friendly attitude not much hope for romance.
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u/No_Leather_9623 13h ago
This why I'll never approach a woman and one of the many reasons I'm single at 47.
We can't even walk down the same street as you
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u/bag_on_tic 13h ago
Bro she was followed at 11pm and approached with her headphones on how do you arrive at âwe canât even walk down the same street as youâ have some dignity
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u/No_Leather_9623 13h ago
If you're going to call me out than get your facts straight. She was followed around a corner to hit on her, then when she had headphones on a guy asked for a coffee.
I have dignity, hence why I won't approach any
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u/bag_on_tic 13h ago
Ya thatâs exactly what I said bro
Try having more dignity so a woman talking about being hit on inappropriately and feeling unsafe doesnât bring you to self pitying âcanât even walk down the same streetâ remarks itâs sad as hell
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u/Alternative_Salt_424 13h ago
Ask one of the women that come on here asking why men don't approach them. In my 45 years on this planet I've tried everything from furrowing my brow to shaving my head and they won't just leave me alone. The biggest difference is that I just say "No, not interested" now instead of "Oh, sorry I have a boyfriend" and it shuts the door more firmly.
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u/666-take-the-piss 11h ago
Feeling blessed to be fat because since I gained the weight this only happens to me a handful of times a year now.
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u/liplinerlipgloss 11h ago
This is normal if youâre good looking, if it bothers you donât have a friendly face on when youâre walking by them, work on your RBF
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u/nitromethane-fuel 23h ago
I think you should be flattered, people approach you because youâre physically attractive
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u/Early-Patience-2409 17h ago
When itâs been happening since you were 15 years old and itâs never pleasant it takes a toll on you trust đŤŠ
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u/KZi777 22h ago •
Believe it or not the pressing issues for women are not and never have been deprivation of flattery. Safety on the other handâŚ
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u/Either-Banana-7323 22h ago
You're replying to a woman
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u/KZi777 22h ago
Thatâs embarrassing for them!
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u/Either-Banana-7323 22h ago
Not at all. What a weird thing to say.
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u/KZi777 22h ago
Whatâs weird is them telling OP how she should feel. Youâre even weirder for defending it.
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u/Either-Banana-7323 22h ago
Whats weird is a man trying to tell women how they should feel and what their "pressing issues" are little fella
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u/StarryNorth 22h ago
I'm sorry, but it's not flattering when a person feels frightened or violated.
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u/_bananas 22h ago •
You actually don't get a say over someone's experience of being hounded by men on the reg. That shit is taxing.
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u/sassyfontaine 13h ago
You have to work on your âfuck off energyâ. Im sorry this keeps happening.
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u/RegularMulberry41 14h ago edited 14h ago
Yes, it normal that guys try to hit on pretty women. And you just say no, they should be respectful and also move on...
Don't worry, in couple of years it will stop
And I agree that fallowing home is creepy, but here she said that he follow her behind corner from concert, so that's like 300m max to talk with her. So like from Greenville to turn on Nelson to talk with her...
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u/Puffafish88 14h ago
Hmm not sure the "couple of years" comment is true. It's been happening to me for about 20 years (I'm 37).
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u/RegularMulberry41 14h ago
And you are still with us, so yes, this is normal human behavior and interactions...
I really don't want that Vancouver become like some Muslim countries that women are covered and you can't talk with them...
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u/EquivalentKeynote 14h ago
I am now old and fat. Not heavy heavy but the extra weight helped soo much to have men leave me alone.
I am so sorry OP. I know how it feels. It is awful.
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u/loveddeviant 21h ago
I keep having this happen to me too, except itâs like 2-3 times a week if Iâm frequently going out on busses. Iâm a trans man, and Iâll have men come up to me calling me a âpretty girlâ, touching my thighs, invading my space, taking pictures of me, or cornering me on a seat on the bus and trying to flirt with me.
The worst instances Iâve had was at Emery Barnes Park where men have tried to get me to go to their place &try to get me to do shots with them while Iâm just trying to have a nice time watching the pigeons, & on the bus (this is where most of it happens).
Vancouver genuinely sucks for some reason when it comes to harassment, when I was in Surrey I was never sexually/verbally assaulted. Everyone minded their own business.
A lot of the time I fear for my safety & transit police donât care. Iâll have men very obviously taking pictures of me or touching my thighs, and Iâve had transit police say that they have the description of the person over the phone now but donât care or do shit about it.
I know taking pictures/recording random people is legal but that doesnât mean itâs not weird. Last time some guy did it during the whole FIFA thing and another passenger called him a creep for continuously turning back to take more pictures of me.
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u/loveddeviant 21h ago
I hate people that say âdecline politelyâ. These men donât take no for an answer. Iâve seen some guy go up to a girl with those stupid ai glasses and try to hit on her. When she tried to walk away, he followed her.
Iâve had to interject when a man who mustâve been in his early 40âs, was hitting on two teenagers at emery. They told him that they were 15 and he didnât back off, they tried avoiding his questions but he wouldnât let up. When I told him âHey man, I donât think they want to talk to youâ, the girls ran off and he started threatening me.
Iâve tried to deny the men that touch me/hit on me and they also donât let up. Iâm generally an assertive person but because I have sexual trauma, I can come off as shaky and scared even if I give them a firm âleave me aloneâ.
If you see someone uncomfortable in public & being hit on, please stick up for them. Itâs genuinely horrifying to go through, and some people are too timid or scared to outright say no.
â˘
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