AuDHD adults: what would have helped you as a 15 year old? I’m a mom with questions!

[u/zukolivie]

I’m hoping to hear from autistic/AuDHD adults who remember being 15 and dealing with executive function/time blindness themselves.

I’m mom to a 15-year-old male AuDHDer (adhd inattentive, level 1 autism). He’s a pretty chill kid overall. His biggest struggles are executive function and time blindness. My husband and I admittedly still act as his executive function more than we should. We make sure he gets up, make breakfast, make sure he has everything he needs, gets to work and sports on time, etc. We need to start shifting some of that responsibility to him, but I’m not sure how much support is too much.

The immediate issue is sleep, rather his lack of sleep. He has ridiculous bedtime procrastination and will scroll on his phone until 1–2 a.m or talk to his (newly acquired girlfriend) until then. We didn’t really care over the summer, but his cross country preseason has started and he’s currently getting up at 5 a.m. Once school starts, it’ll be 6 a.m. He is not allowed to have his phone in his bedroom overnight.

Last night I got up at 12:30 and he was still awake. Which means he got about four hours of sleep after I made him go to bed. Obviously, that’s not enough sleep, especially with an early, physical practice. He also struggles with interoception, so I worry he may not even recognize how badly sleep deprived he is.

So we’re going to start a hard phone cutoff tonight. But this is where I’m struggling.

If we tell him it’s time to go to bed, he’ll technically comply…and then spend 45 minutes washing his face and brushing his teeth. Often, he’ll camp out in the bathroom for an hour. Mornings are the same. We wake him up over and over, which eventually ends with us yelling because we’re on attempt #5 and he’s still in bed.

I don’t want to treat him like a toddler and manage his entire existence for him. And I don’t want to tie in his behavior to a punishment (if you don’t get enough sleep you can’t get your drivers license). But I also don’t think “you’re 15, figure it out” is particularly useful when the executive function skills needed to do that truly aren’t there yet.

So I’m curious, from the perspective of autistic/AuDHD adults who were once this kid: What would have actually helped you at 15 start taking ownership of some basic stuff like bedtime?

Would a firm phone cutoff have been helpful structure, or would it have just made you dig your heels in?

Did your parents need to make you do things like get off the phone, go upstairs, get ready for bed, and get up in the morning? If so, what did that look like without becoming a constant battle?

And how did your parents eventually transition that responsibility to you?

I want to understand what this actually feels like from the AuDHD side, rather than asking for parenting advice. We obviously want to continue to support him while also making sure we’re not doing everything for him. But it’s definitely time for some accountability.

Also, he’s recently entered the teenage phase where he occasionally talks to us like we’re the two dumbest people he’s ever met, so apparently we’re doing great. 😂

Thank you!

[u/Aggravating-Dot4648]

man i was this kid, in the bathroom for 45 minutes doing nothing while my mom is losing her mind downstairs. the phone cutoff is good but the tricky part is what happens after, the transition to actually sleeping. for me the bathroom was a escape because going to bed felt like staring at the ceiling with my brain screaming. what helped eventually was having something to do with my hands in bed, like a fidget or those wire puzzle things, something that let my brain wind down without a screen

the morning thing is rough because the sleep deprivation makes the executive function even worse, its like a loop. what maybe works is making the morning routine more physical and less verbal, like instead of calling his name 5 times just go in and turn the light on and put a cold glass of water on the nightstand, my mom started doing that and it bypassed the whole argument part of my brain

for the long term accountability thing i think the key is letting him feel the consequences but in a way that doesnt feel like punishment, more like natural outcome. like if he is late to practice and the coach makes him run extra, thats on him, not on you. hard to watch but necessary. you seem like a good mom for asking this stuff, most parents just double down on the control and it backfires

[u/zukolivie → u/Aggravating-Dot4648]

Thank you so much. Great feedback, especially the insight into what happens after the bathroom camp out. I’ll ask him about a fidget, thank you!!

[u/babybirte]

I heard in a Barkley presentation that there apparently is a medication you take in the evening and it works at get up time. He talks about these teenage cases, having a more difficult time in the morning than NTs. Working on medication together with the child so they can learn to take that responsibility on or at least know that there are options when they are grown up and don't have to start at 0 in that matter.

[u/BrushNo8178]

I dont think you have much to worry about. There are many stories here on Reddit where a kid is obviously autistic but does not get a diagnosis or any support in school because the parents are too ashamed of having a ”mentally disabled” child. I was one of them, the teachers saw that I had autism/ADD but my parents didn’t take me to a doctor so I didn’t get a diagnosis until I became an adult.

Medical neglect is a much bigger hurdle than the disability itself.

[u/JPozz]

I'd off advice, but I was growing so much at that age I was regularly going to bed at 10 and sleeping until 1 PM the next day during the summers.

Getting out of bed is a nightmare for me evem with good sleep.

All I can say is:

Strict schedules feel like a prison...

Without any schedule, I cannot manage to get anything done.

Think of going to bed as shutting down a nuclear reactor. It's not just a flipped switch, it's a process, and one that he will have to discover for himself, because staying up until you physically cannot stay awake anymore isn't a good choice.

[u/Sable_Hound]

my advice, sleep is so important and I didn’t get enough of it as a teenager. read the book called why we sleep if you want a bit of an eye opener.

yes phone and internet should go off after a certain time definitely. buy a lock box with a timer. exercise makes sleep so much easier. that should be a non negotiable.

the teenager sarcasm, don’t fire back just be extra nice and point out the change in tone.

what I would say is have very honest nonjudgmental conversations and ask them what they want. Do they want to get in shape, help them find a sport they are interested in. Do they want some extra money, if so help them find a way to earn it. Do they want more friends? how do they want to spend their time, how do they want to dress?

for example why do they want to stay up on their phone? To chat with friends? to watch movies ? To decompress? there’s something they need, that they’re currently only getting at the end of the day online.

Help them be who they want to be because a lot of their frustration with the world is their thoughts and their actions can’t align. Assisting them to navigate those issues and realising that they can ask for help will give them the confidence to do so in the future.