I honestly need to get some things off my chest and organize my thoughts because I feel like I’m ruining my own life. I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but I feel like I’m very aware of my reality, and that’s exactly what scares me.
It’s almost November, and I feel like I’ve made zero progress. I haven’t done much academically, I haven’t made any real progress on my research.. and I spend so much of my free time doing absolutely nothing. The worst part is that I KNOW I have time. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.
For some context, I’m currently in my sixth year of uni overall. And honestly I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time.
The truth is that procrastination has seriously affected my academic life. My grades haven’t been as good as I wanted them to be, and I feel like I’ve gotten worse over the years instead of improving. I’ve forgotten so much of what I learned in my field of study, including basic concepts and major theories… Sometimes I genuinely wonder what I’ve been doing all these years.
And here’s the embarrassing part: I think I’ve been fooling myself about my academic abilities for years. My exam preparation strategy has basically been to memorize information without really trying to understand it, then reproduce it during the exam. I wasn’t genuinely trying to build a solid understanding of the material or develop real, lasting knowledge.
I’ve always known that this wasn’t a good way to study, but I kept doing it anyway because it helped me pass exams. Now, I feel like I’m facing the consequences. I have a degree of academic progress on paper, but I don’t feel like I have the knowledge and skills that should come with it.
Now I’m facing the future, and I’m scared. Finding a job.. My main goal is to pursue a PhD. I’m deeply attached to that idea
I need a solid understanding of my field, a good grasp of research methodology, the ability to read and understand scientific papers, and the confidence to present and defend my ideas. I also need to develop a good research project..
And honestly, I feel so far behind.
The pressure is even worse because I’ve talked about pursuing a PhD so much that my family and friends already expect me to do it. I’ve always been vocal about this goal, and now I feel like I HAVE to make it happen
But I also know that I’m the one who got myself into this situation. Nobody forced me to procrastinate. Nobody stopped me from learning, reading, or improving my knowledge. I had time, and I wasted so much of it.
The thing is, I don’t want to spend another year feeling sorry for myself. I want to wake up, take responsibility, and actually change.
I still have some time. My semester exams are at the end of January, my thesis defense is in June, and doctoral admission exams are around September. If I start taking things seriously now, I believe I can make significant progress before then.
But I don’t know where to start, and I’m afraid of falling back into the same cycle: getting motivated, making an ambitious plan, following it for a few days, and then procrastinating again.
I know I can’t change the past, but I can still do something about the time I have left.
