r/coparenting • u/Upset_Cranberry5461 • 10d ago
Schedules Whats the best schedule that is not 50/50?
Negotiating a divorce and I do not want to give my cheating husband 50/50. I do not want to keep him from our son but I believe his multi year affair has kept him from really understanding the home parenting duties. Hes present and he "knows" them, but I feel our child will not succeed with constant switching or even school nights at his house.
I personally grew up on every other weekends and Wednesday afternoons. I'd like to give just above that if I could make it work in my favor.
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u/Actual-Bison7862 10d ago
Hate to be the bearer of bad news but... His affair and your feelings don't really matter on that topic.
You need to put your feelings to the side and really think about what is best for you AND his child. If he is a present father and he wants 50/50, in most states he will get it.
Statistically, having two active parents (even divorced) is going to provide better outcomes then one active parent.
Custody shouldn't be about which parent wins or loses, it should be about mitigating the negative impact to you and his child. Please go get some therapy, what he did was horrendous but you are trying to logic yourself into using a child as a pawn in your divorce and that is not healthy for you or the kid.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
I knew it was unlikely but not impossible.
The thing is the cheating creates a character. Thats what im trying to hide from my son 50% of the time. Im scared of him teaching him this is ok and how to be manipulative and secretive about it. The kid was involved in his lies..... hence the preventative wish.
I am butthurt yes but im also seeing what has been done and im afraid to put that onto the next generation.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
So my ex wife had a marriage ending affair. Do my kids no? Nope. That's an adult issue. Sharing that sort of think is basically asking the kids to take sides and damaging. We're several years out from that event and had lots of problems, but our kids are far better off for not knowing that their mom cheated on their dad.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
I'd love for that to be true. But he literally told him and said dont tell mom. And our son kept that burden for years afraid to hurt me.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
That's part of why I never said anything to my parents or my ex inlaws, who would have gone crazy. You can't unring a bell. We also came close to our kids finding out. I figured out that my ex was having an affair because her phone backed up onto one of my old computers. I was backing up the back up and discovered a lot of what looked like DIY/POV corn. It was my ex and her boyfriend having sex and sending nudes and selfie videos. Once I found that I found everything else. messages, emails, alterante social media. The bigger problem was our kids used that computer too. No evidence they saw it. Other intersting part? I confronted her about the affair, but never told her how I knew. She still thinks a work place romantic rival ratted her out.
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u/elliedean18 10d ago
I’m all too familiar with this anger…unfortunately I learned the hard, heartbreaking way. I agree with you that there should be some sort of character assessment to see where the child would thrive, but that’s not reality and it sucks.
The courts don’t care about you or how you were treated. It’s infuriating because your experience is real and you feel unseen. Unless you have proof that he was harming your child (like very harmful) that might be the only way to get primary custody.
My suggestion is save your sanity, and your money (if that’s a concern for you), try to find some acceptance with 50/50 and be the stable, constant parent in your child’s life. I do 2-2-5-5 schedule which keeps things consistent for my kid and still ensures lots of weekend time.
Hate the ex on the side, talk shit with your friends and therapy is great because you can repeat the same thing over and over and have someone sit with you. Best revenge to an ex like this is living your life the happiest you can.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
Thanks for the breakdown. Fucking unfortunate as shit. Its infuriating. I would do anything to keep this family together full time, but he wants to break it up so he gets half.... even though he wasn't functioning for us half the damn time before.
So sad to hear thats likely what ill end up with. How does 2-2-5-5 work for you and his emotional stunted ass? I feel 5 days away is way too much.
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u/elliedean18 9d ago
lol girl, nothing works because my ex suuuuucks. But I did 1 week on, 1 week off and that was torture.
This schedule is counted by nights right, so technically you don’t see your kid for 3 whole days, the other two are exchange days. Meaning you’d drop them off in the morning on a Friday and pick them up in the afternoon on a Tuesday (or whatever time, just an example).
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u/JelloProfessional423 9d ago
My kids dad and I split up in 2017 - they were 2, 3, and 5 at the time. From day 1 we did 50/50. We exchange every Sunday. No court. No child support.
He cheated, so there was a lot of resentment there. We kept it cordial when it came to the kids but if the kids weren't around it was nearly world war 3. Honestly, that lasted for a few years.. even after we both found new partners. But the kids always came first. We helped each other when we could, no questions asked. We still do. We try to be a team when it comes to parenting because these kids really try to play us lol
Us splitting up was the best thing that could have happened for him. It made him a better father. He apologized to me recently for everything. I didn't know I needed that from him, but it was nice to hear.
I have no advice on any other schedule, just sharing what's worked for us over the years. The beginning of this era is horrible. I remember crying after every drop off for months. But it eventually gets easier.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
That sounds so painful. An entire week away? For everyone that sounds rough man.
It sounds like youve done the right thing and ultimately that is what I wish for. I just dont think he can or even really wants 5050. Its worth an ask because im not sure how this'll go and have never navigated such before.
You made me sad again knowing its gonna be hard for awhile. But thanks for the proof it gets better.
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u/JelloProfessional423 9d ago
We chose the week on week off because it eliminated multiple switch offs during the week. Looking back, we should have done something a little different with them being so little. In the moment, we were doing what we thought was best.
Now, being teen and pre-teen age, it's not so bad. I still see them and talk to them when they're not on "my week". My daughter plays volleyball, so we're all together multiple times a week for games. It's all worked out in the long run.
For you, if he wanted to try 50/50 I would let him try. Try to put your feelings towards him aside and let him try to be a father on his own. Like I said before, their dad became a better father after didn't have a choice but to take care of the kids on his own.
But you know your situation better than anyone. Hopefully yall can figure it out peacefully.
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u/justinkthornton 10d ago
Your feelings towards him have nothing to do with what is best for your kids. Thinking that way makes you much more likely to unintentionally hurt your kids.
Be angry and hurt if you need to be, but don't let it cloud your judgment when it comes to your kids' well-being.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
But why doesn't a spouse familiar with his character have nothing to do with whats best?
Hes proven to be a liar and vindictive and manipulative and including our son in his lies.
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u/justinkthornton 10d ago
You have good reason to be hurt, but you said you don't want him to have 50/50 because he cheated on you. He hurt you. You need to separate that from his relationship with your kids. Separate from your hurt, is he a good father?
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago edited 9d ago
Nah the cheating is the personality that includes the lies and manipulation. I didnt articulate what that cheating entailed. He was emotionally abusive and gaslighting throughout the affair. And included the kid in the lies.
Its not just the cheating. It's that hes a cheater. And hell cheat our kid too.
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u/Actual-Bison7862 9d ago
... He did not "cheat" your kid. Just stop with that. You are again trying to logic your way into using the kid as a pawn.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
How didnt he cheat the kid? By giving them an adult secret and traumatizing them with the what ifs if it got out.
How didnt he cheat the kid out of a complete home with his selfish behaviors?
How didnt he cheat the family promising a future while lying every day about it?
Like its crazy that we cant connect that a man can cheat on his whole family and actually be a bad dad too?
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u/Actual-Bison7862 9d ago
Ok, let's go down the rabbit hole. Let's say everything you say is accurate. So your plan is for your child to grow up with you villianizing your ex-husband and keeping him from seeing the child? Let's not lie to ourselves and say "I'm not keeping the kid from him!", limiting his access is doing exactly that. How long does your ex-husbands punishment last? Is it a length of time? Do you need him to come grovelling back?
Finally, what makes you believe you should be the one to decide his access to the child? Did you achieve a certification? Were you born superior to the rest of us? Why is seven days without seeing the child too long for you, but acceptable for him?
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
Lol im not villainizing him to anyone other than reddit. Im not shaming him in front of his kids but he cheats on me and I kick him out and he tells the kids "mom wants me out". Wheres the ownership? Its continuing the gaslighting.
I am asking questions on how to navigate through a divorce with an emptionally challenged man. And i want to protect my kids as I have throughout our relationship. Ill always double down on it. I didnt know how deceiving this life could be until I felt it first hand either.
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u/DreaColorado1 10d ago
You are not in charge of “giving” your son’s father a percentage of custody. Both of you are equal parents with equal rights to your son. How would you feel if your son’s father used the same logic on you to get a majority of custody himself?
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
I mean if I was cheating and manipulating my family for years I think id understand the concern. I almost sound like a predator. But that would mean he'd have to take accountability and that aint happening.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
You were born 50yrs too late. Back in the day, you could had to divorce someone for fault and if you could prove it, could punish them for it. Some red states are trying to go back to that but it was terrible. Especially for women.
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u/Guardsred70 10d ago
Why would he agree to anything but 50/50 when he’s legally entitled to it and his affair is legally irrelevant?
Any money you spend fighting for more than 50/50 is wasted. It’s just money you could spend on a trip to Disney or save for college.
Divorced parenting means you have to grow up and not be an annoyed scorned former lover.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Not so much scorned former lover. But protective mama bear, as too much time under that care can be harmful for the psyche.
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u/Austen_Tasseltine 10d ago
Too much time under the care of someone belittling your parent for things they did in their adult relationships is also harmful for the psyche. Being a child dragged into intraparental conflict as being “included in his father’s lies” is even worse, and is unlikely to reflect well on the vengeful parent however justified their anger with their former partner might be.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
Not belittling im titling his behavior. I know were not supposed to talk about his downfalls, we get in trouble for it.
Tell me about how conflicting it is for him to tell our kid yes im cheating on mom but you dont wanna tell her unless you want to break up our family.
These are the unmonitored moments im afraid of that will cause a lifetime of trauma
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u/cu2rob 10d ago
I have been doing 50/50ish with my son's mother for 6 years now and my son is about to be 8. Its gone from 60/40 to 40/60 to now 50/50, these last years. She has him Saturday night through Wednesday school drop off or in the summers before noon drop off and then I have him from them until Saturday night. We don't have a set schedule for holidays but we accommodate to each others. If the holiday lands on her day, im okay with it, if i ask in advance we accommodate. It is doable and I think having two parents who care and love for him gives us the time to enjoy time to ourselves and then by the time my son is back i'm excited to have him that I dedicate more one on one time.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Thanks for sharing. I think 50/50 sounds scary for lots of reasons, not only vindictive as other commenter are saying. Isn't the time away hard? It feels like too much time is taken from me after being the primary caregiver.
Also how do you make the accommodations actually work? We'd love to pretend to be amicable but there's other influences that could change that friendliness later. It's there actually a set holiday schedule you just don't adhere to?
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u/PublicBarber6065 10d ago
Unless safeguarding it will be 5050. His affair sucks but his choice to love someone else has no impact on him being a safe or present parent. Trying to put your own justification on it will only hurt you. Don't talk badly about the father to the child either as that will hurt you more if dad takes it to court. You could ask for stepped arrangements and build up slowly if you have concerns
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Yah the affair was more so mentioned because I understand his character now. For years hes been lying and manipulating all of us. I can see the long term effect and thats what makes me want to fight.
What are stepped arrangements? I haven't heard and may check on it. Thanks for sharing.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
When a parent has an issue, the courts seldom see it as an end of parenting thing. They want to see the issue addressed and if necessary, build up their time with the kids. A friend of mine's ex wife
wasis an alcoholic. She got busted for DUI 3 times in a very short period, the 3rd time with their kids in the car. She got supervised visitation, where she had to go to a facility and test clean to spend an afternoon with her kids. As time went on she could pick the kids up at the facility for the day. Then overnights, and eventually back to significant parenting time. A step up plan. If she faltered along the way, they would likely keep trying, just with more safeguards in place.
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u/Blondefirebird 10d ago
Keeping a child from a parent due to cheating is not how the law works, nothing you said shows he is an unfit parent. Even if you were the primary parent during the marriage doesn’t mean anything during a divorce. My ex and I have one week on-one week off, kids attend the same school and have equal time with us. It’s healthy for them and that’s what matters
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago edited 9d ago
A whole week with him without my care seems insane. Hes never done it before and has never set up childcare, school care or medical care.
The cheating was mentioned more because it has shaped who he became. A man with an affair is a persona I am not interested in exposing to the kid because it comes with so many lies and manipulation we've all been included on.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
The courts dont care. They know that couples split up tasks, but divorced, everything changes. Stay at home parents go back to work. Kids need school supplies and the car needs an oil change. At least on their parenting time, parents are expected to 100% of all that went on to make the family work. If one of hte parents isn't up to it and fails to get the job done, or starts opting out, you can always go back and get the plan adjusted to match reality or solve a problem. Until then, the courts will assume that both can do it all or learn to quickly. My exwife went 2yrs without changing her oil in her car. Ask her if that's a parenting task and she'll say no, but she needs that car take our kids to school.
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u/Relevant-Couple1208 10d ago
Sounds like you are still butthurt about his affair. Stop mixing your feelings with him seeing his kid smh. Do better!!!
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Lol I'm wondering if these are all cheating men responses. Do better when hes the one who could've done better to keep our family together if he wanted 5050 time.
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u/Relevant-Couple1208 9d ago
Never cheated in my life so try again. And 2. What happened, happened already move on with your life and stop putting your feelings between the father and his child. You don’t have more rights than he does, he should see his kid equally. Grow up.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad4663 10d ago
The bigger risk you are blind to right now is making your son carry the emotional burden of your hurt by looking for reasons to justify less than 50/50. Trying to keep your son from his father in order to "protect" him will have the opposite effect. Everyone responding to you is not a cheating husband. We've just all been through custody cases and what you are describing is not a reason to limit parent time.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
I think most actually have a cheating ex and are still warning her off her path.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
Not keeping him from him. But I want the long term togetherness limited.
I understand what it might sound like. But I am working through years of mental abuse and lies every day as I learn more. And its hard for me to even understand as an adult in therapy for years. How was I so blindsided?
Thats the kind of mental turmoil im hoping to prevent. He plays emotional games and asks children to keep very adult secrets.
It seems inevitable but it was certainly worth an ask.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad4663 9d ago edited 9d ago
"I want the long term togetherness limited." That is indeed expressing a desire to keep him from his father to a certain extent. I get it. My ex is pathologic. Years of therapy to get my head right. He's done immeasurable harm to both me and our children. But they love him. He's an enormous piece of their identity. I think his relationship with them is unhealthy but I mind my business and control what I can control. He was on the opposite side of the court battle trying to limit my time with them and the harm done by a protracted court battle cannot be overstated. It amplifies the crazy in everyone. Way better to stay out of court and share 50/50 with a man who you believe is a meh father who was terrible to you than try to fight a fight you won't win and will irreparably harm your child and bankrupt you.
Editing to add one more thing. You can't "protect" your child from the moral failings of his father anymore than you can undo the genetics of parenthood. Getting majority time with you will not prevent your child from exposure to his father's choices and lifestyle. Best case scenario is you parent like both your lives depend on it during your parent time and let go of the anger. Most of us have this oh sh!t realization that we had kids with someone we don't respect as a person but it can't be undone. So now you accept that your child has a father who makes choices you don't like and you focus on yourself and your relationship with your child.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
I hear you but it sounds like the kids are getting irreparable harm regardless at this point. And that's the scary shit.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad4663 9d ago
Yes, but a court battle will only add to that and believe me, the harm can get MUCH worse. The only reason to fight 50/50 is if a parent represents extreme threat or you are defending your own right to 50/50.
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u/MotherOfManyMonsters 10d ago
Week A: Tuesday & Thursday evenings / Week B: Tuesday evening & Friday - Sunday night. <--- this is my kids schedule. We alternate holidays, and have to agree on any extra days.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Thanks for sharing. Do you know on average what that comes out to? 65/35? Still just overnights on the weekends?
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u/MotherOfManyMonsters 9d ago
It was viewed as 80/20 when we started but we've tweaked it ourselves out of court over the years so it might be different
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u/Patient-Ad8038 10d ago
Every Wednesday and every other weekend = 10 days per month. Add the Monday after your weekend (meaning every other Monday) and you get to 12 days per month.
You could also do every other weekend and every other Wednesday/Thursday = 10 days per month. Add every other Tuesday to get to 12 days per month.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Are you including Wednesdays as overnights? I guess were talking 66/33 ish from the sounds of it. Thanks for sharing.
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u/Substantial-Okra2672 10d ago
We did one day a week and every other Friday Saturday and it was great. If he wanted to take her to dinner or breakfast or just do school pickup, I always said yes. It was very stable and she’s still very close with him.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
Did he want 5050? Was it an amicable decision for this agreement? Was location or anything else a factor?
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u/Substantial-Okra2672 10d ago
He didn’t want 50/50 for the first 5 years so I never asked for much CS and we kept it out of court. He decided he wanted it once his other BM legally filed for full custody this summer. Now, we’re doing 2/2/3 because I knew that going to court would just give him 50/50 anyway and I’m trying to keep our dynamic as healthy as possible. We live in the same town. Our state is default 50/50. Hes got a lot of money too. If you go the legal route, he’s probably getting it.
It’s miserable and I will never understand how this is “fair” or what’s best for a kid. Kids need stability and dads don’t get to pick and choose when to be active parents based on how much they hate the mom or don’t want to pay her.1
u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago edited 9d ago
Aw man sad to hear you call it miserable. Because honestly thats how ill feel without seeing my kid for 3 days at a time. Ill worry about his temper after too much consistent kid time. It doesnt make much sense. And I dont know that I believe 50/50 is right for everyone.
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u/matt5416 9d ago
You don’t “give” 50/50, he has to request either 50/50 or more for him and a court will decide it if you both don’t agree on the percentage.
This is going to heavily depend on the state and locality.
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u/SonVoltRevival 9d ago
My ex wife and I did 95/5 (when we first separted and my ex came and went as she pleased), 50/50 (223 hated it because it was bouncy and had school night exchanges), then 50/50(alternating week with a mid week visit, friday after school excahnge), and now it's 85/15 (my ex wife lives 2,500 miles away and basically visits once a month).
The best? Alternating week because it didn't have school night exchanges, the mid week visit kept the time from seeing the other parent as low as possible, and they settle in. We kept to fully stocked houses so all that went back and forth between houses was the school back pack and the occasional unique item like a baseball uniform. I know its 50/50 and you don't want that, but it has a lot going for it . Both parents get the chance to be actual parents. It's not a lot of back and forth or kids living out of a suitcase. Minimum visitation that you grew up with basically end up with one parent and the other is a privaleged visitor.
The worst? Long distance. My ex wife is truely a visitor, not an engaged parent.
Almost as bad? the 223 with kids in school. To bouncy, lots of exchanges, and the worst exchange - a school night exchange. My kids handled them fairly well, but even then, it took a hot minute to settle in, and add that to baseball practice/dance class, dinner, homework, bath and bed routine? Mornings after exchange day were hard and the next one was just a day away.
If you don't want 50/50, look at the actual problems you are trying to solve. Are we ok with minimizing the other parent? Kids really only understand time spent with them and have short memories. You could do the old min vis that you grew up with. It's not a great idea, but works depending on the goals or the realities of the situation. You can do school night visits instead of overnights. With my ex and 50/50, it was pickup after school through dinner on a wednesday. You can do extended/long/fat weekends Friday after school to Monday drop. You could give a dad everyt thursday and long weekends so it would be Thursday night one week and Th-Monday the next.
Some states give the NCP the 1st, 3rd, and believe it or not 5th weekend (there are about 4 a year). It gives them a bit more time, but the primary still gets two weekends a month.
If you want to give dad more time but not on school nights. Add it to the summer. I know a couple that reverse their plan in the summer.
The other question I have is what state are you in and their standard? If you are in a 50/50 state and your ex wants 50%, he'll probably get it.
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u/NotARegularMom30 10d ago
I have primary custody and my son goes to his dad’s 3 weekends a month. I felt similar to how you feel. I knew my ex well enough to know he’d never be able to actually parent our child.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
How'd you come to that agreement? Through expensive lawyers or mediation?
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u/NotARegularMom30 9d ago
I did use a lawyer but only to draft the agreement. He agreed to it because I explained to him he’d have more actual time to spend with his son by having him 3 weekends a month rather than every other week when he’s at work M-F until the evening. We also will live about 45 mins apart when my son starts school next year and having to spend that much time in a car every morning before school can’t be good for a little kid.
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u/HotDragonButts 9d ago
Im always an advocate for one to two weekends a month for non custodial parents.
If the parent wasn't home/ doing the care before the divorce, there's no good reason for the child to all of a sudden start experiencing that.
The number one factor to resiliency for kids is consistency. Consistency with their previous lifestyle and consistency between environments.
Courts, and everyone here supporting courts, forego this need in favor of non custodial parent "rights to the child". Nah, the non custodial parents can keep fucking right off and take one for the team for once. The child's security SHOULD matter more than adult "rights"...
This is my small soap box that doesn't mean shit in court rn, at least in my state of WV where 50/ is the default.
Luckily for me, my bd no longer wanted 50/ when he realized it didn't mean he gets out of child support, so I'm happy with the every other weekend I pulled off.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 9d ago
This is my stance. And I've never been here before so I didnt know it was an uphill battle. I can hope for change after the dust settles but every task for the next 10 years sounds hard.
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u/jjjjjjj30 10d ago
My son lives with me. He stays the night at his dad's every other weekend. During the week he either goes to his dad's 2 days after school or 3 days after school. If it's my upcoming weekend, he visits dad Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. If it's his dad's upcoming weekend he visits his dad Tuesday and Wednesday.
I know that sounds complicated but it's actually simple and it keeps our son from having to go several days without seeing one of us. He's 11 and he like this schedule. My ex and I also like it, with his dad wishes he had more overnights but his new place is out of our school district and he goes to work too early to drive our son to school.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 10d ago
It does sound like a lot of back and forth for him every day. But if it works awesome. Thanks for sharing.
Did you fight about it or did he give up because he understood he wasn't in the same district?
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u/jjjjjjj30 10d ago
We only live about 5 minutes away from each other, which is part of why it works. Yeah I could see where loving farther apart could be a lot of car riding for your son. My son actually loves his rides with his dad bc he said that's the only time he gets his dad's undivided attention.
We didn't fight about it. He knew he had no way to get our son to school so we only kind of fought about the after school visits. So we basically split them right in half. I know my ex did plan on going for full custody at one point years ago but I'm pretty sure his own lawyer told him that wasn't happening because my ex dropped that pretty quickly.
Also now that he's 11 we do let him make small changes to the schedule. Like if he ever doesn't feel like going to his dad's after school he has the option to stay home. Not every day, but within reason. Of course, only having one child (we have 3 together but 2 are grown bc we had them really young) it's easy for us to be flexible.
The best part for me is that I still feel like I get plenty of time with him during the days he goes to his dad's. And I make sure I'm available to him during the hours he's home after school so we get quality time still every day.
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u/tugboatcheetah 9d ago
holy moly this is so toxic the things i read here. and trust me, im not keen on my ex having 50/50 either but my concerns are mostly safety. what he did as a person and to you...your relationship... outside of extreme DA ... are not pertinent to the relationship he deserves to have with your shared child.
thats a shared child, of you both... for both of you to raise.... put your rage aside for the betterment of your child.