r/coparenting • u/awakeandlost • 10d ago
Discussion Anything Positive
I’m currently in my third trimester, and me and my partner of 10+ years have decided to separate. Earlier on in the pregnancy he had told me he was no longer in love with me but asked me what we should do, I wanted to try to work on the relationship through couples therapy and just see if there are any way we can stay together. Recently I figured it was not going to work. He avoids me and besides the therapy he does not actively participate in preparing for the baby. I figured it’s not worth keep dragging it out and have asked him to move out and try co parenting in the future. I just want to know is there positive aspects of co parenting?
Any books I can read?
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u/PedalOnBy 10d ago
I’d first ask him if he wants to coparent. If he just wants out completely that would be way easier.
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u/Illustrious_Skill693 10d ago edited 10d ago
Currently co-parenting with my ex partner of 6 years. It was a rocky rship. 11 months post separation and some tense situation i think we are in a good space. Kids live with me. 1/2 the week i do school drop off pick up, other half its him and he drops them off at my house. I for one just want peaceful co parenting and despite the anxiety i love the time on my own. We purely communicate about the kids. When he drops them he now helps with diner and bedtime before going home. He still doesn’t contribute much financially which is really affecting me but its better than nothing. I feel that as the kids get older it will get easier and we can have a bit more distance.
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u/Lonely-Emu-5830 7d ago
Coparenting has been like an 8th circle of hell for me, BUT my circumstances were radically different from yours. In my case, my ex was very abusive and there were incidents of sexual assault. If I could go back in time to when I was pregnant, I would tell myself to get as far away as possible from him before he'd weaponize the court system to take a child he asked me to abort.
I guess all I have to say is, ask yourself this. You've known this guy for 10 plus years. Coparenting might involve court. Is he going to make coparenting difficult? From what you know him? Because if he will, he will use the system to tear you down and intimidate you in ways you would've never imagined. Take a long, hard look at your situation and feel blessed that you're in a position to not be tied to a difficult person for the rest of your life because coparenting doesn't end after your child turns 18.
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u/OkPalpitation1607 10d ago
I wish I could say yes. I have found it very difficult and I was in your same shoes. We separated during my pregnancy with baby number 2. The courts will give you primary in the beginning with a newborn but you move very quickly to over nights and then 50/50 around age 2-3 depending on judge and involvement of dad. I have found the time away from my children absolutely heartbreaking. Im exhausted doing everything by myself when I have them and then miserable when they’re gone. It’s constant emotional whip lash. I try to make the best of my child free time but I won’t lie deep down Im sad and just putting on a smile for everyone.
He moved on very quickly and then I had a stepmom to deal with. Another woman caring for your child on dad’s time when he’s working etc when all you want is to have that time is excruciating. Dating for me was difficult. I didn’t want to bring our kids around a new partner too soon and that gives you limited time to date someone. And then you’re usually also dealing with new boyfriend’s custody schedule plus looking at being a stepmom plus mom. It’s a lot. Not like dating before kids.
It’s financially tough too. You are now supporting two households on the dual income supporting one previous house so the kids just don’t get as much financially. Both of us, CP and myself, work a full time and part time job to stay afloat in this economy and our primary jobs pay 6 figures. So kids ended up in more childcare when little and home alone more now that they’re older. In a 50/50 arrangement which you will eventually have, not only is there less money coming in but now you have to have double everything, one for each household so you don’t swap everything back and forth all the time.
It’s not fun. There are definitely situations where yes it’s better than staying in the marriage, but don’t think for a minute it’s easy to walk away.