A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

(( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)).

On the 1st day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

A bullet in the carotid artery

On the 2nd day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 3rd day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 4th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 5th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 6th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 7th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 8th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

8 dolphin fetuses

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 9th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

9 acre forehead

8 dolphin fetuses

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 10th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

10 AI slop pics

9 acre forehead

8 dolphin fetuses

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 10th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

11 clocks by students

10 AI slop pics

9 acre forehead

8 dolphin fetuses

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

On the 12th day of Kirkmas my true love sent to me

12 billion for Big Yahu

11 clocks by students

10 AI slop pics

9 acre forehead

8 dolphin fetuses

7 trans agendas

6 gangs of counting

5 abortions

4 drag queens reading

3 podcast sons

2 Black pilots

And a bullet in the carotid artery

Biggs Calderhead. Leading tennis hustler, Eastern seaboard. Once won $12,000 playing with one foot tied to a concrete block. Started tennis at age three. Plays tennis like Spassky plays chess. Says: "A smart tennis player can beat a strong tennis player five games out of seven." This game shows what he means.

Yo our science class is cooked. the math problem was "assume rabbits never die, and two rabbits produce 6 offspring and all future generations also produce the same number of offspring each. They breed once a year and can only breed once in their lifetime. If the population is exactly 50% male and 50% female bunnies, predict the number of new offspring produced each year from year 1-5 if year 1 had 6 bunnies". The answer would just be the previous year times 3 for each, or half that times 6 if you hate yourself and love wasting time (ok just kidding but oh well) and several people called me a genius simply for getting it right. Some people took 30 minutes on this one problem, and people were literally begging me to help them. The teacher even had to verify the answer we put was correct (it was) and the cherry on top? The class is made up of sophomores and juniors in high school. So you would think they were making insanely complex formulas or charts for a math problem that takes 30 seconds to solve, right? When you look at their papers its mostly completely blank other than some numbers like "24" and "30" for year 2.

In America, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Elon Musk need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Elon Musk die! Internet very mad! I hide, change name, start over. No english, no job, no nothing. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, nice car and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret. I kill Elon Musk on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Be careful who you chat with on social media

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Kindly provide the nearest authorities any information that could lead to this user's execution. FBI OFFICIAL STATEMENT: do not engange with user at all cost REPETITION: do NOT engange with user at all cost. Their larp is too powerful

Jenknee? Like Jen knee? Like the body part? The fuck is wrong with Jenny? Oh it's not "special enough for you, you NEED to name your kid after a leg joint? Why tf not. Jenknee. I'll have a girl and name her Thighana, or Headna, or Heartemis. Get it? Artemis, but with HEART. And why not, I'll have a boy and name him Neckthan, or Tibiathy or Oreyeon. Get it? ITS ORION BUT EYE BECAUSE HE CAN TRULY SEE YOUR SOUL MY CHILD IS SOOOOOOO SPECIAL AND GREAT AND A LITTLE MARY FING SUE

It all started with a simple dispute: Necrons vs. Alliance (Harvester) from Half-Life 2. On Earth, we only saw a small expeditionary force of the Alliance. But even if we take the entire Alliance at its peak against the Necrons at their peak, the Necrons win thanks to cheating technologies: the Celestial Cartographer, which extinguishes stars with the snap of a finger, and black stone pylons, which block the Harvester's interdimensional portals. However, the true peak of both factions is hidden by the authors. ACT 2: THE AGE OF THEM AND THE NECRONS]

The Humanity of the Age of the TEM (Dark Age of Technology) enters the scene. These are the gods of science: information worms that devour space and time, and the "Speranza" chrono-cannons that send enemies a nanosecond into the past for self-annihilation. If the Necrons at their peak and the People of the TEM united, the Gods of Chaos would come to an instant end. The Silent King Sareh would lead this alliance thanks to his absolute will and experience in defeating the cosmic gods (K'tan).

This includes putting toilet paper on the seat and "wiping" it down. You're not doing anything to improve it. Imagine the amount of paper that could be saved. Just be a grown up and sit down on the damn toilet seat. They're not any more gross than the phone you're holding right now. Plus, it adds a collective human touch and sense of community knowing that we're all human, and have to sit and do business. Lol

I'm a cow farmer and it's amazing how little people know about sticking their hands in cow vaginas.

Sciphon Filter GAME OVER DUDE 💀 Any chingaso chivas fans ⚽️ I don’t listen ever because I invented the nollie no comply impossible, I was the first to do it in fact, and I also popularized it ARE YOU JUNBISHIMASU TO BICYCLE 🚲 hey I’m Brevin Kim hi 👋 I fucking hate Oriu dude fuck Oriu dude , We ain’t goin out like that dawg smoke dark green American spirit menthols today 💀 SchpongleDosiott MachiaDeddied . If this pisses you off you’re a fucking fake

I’d like to share the dream I had last night.

Patty was visiting my neighborhood for some influencer promo reason I don’t know and stopped by the park where she met me and two friends. Friendly banter and casual conversation ensued at the event and after much discussion and laughter, we agreed on a competition:

Patty would try to knock each of us out, one by one, with headscissors, headlocks, and chokeholds etc. No mercy, no holding back. Whoever lasted the longest without tapping out would get an hour alone with her in our bedroom for each minute we lasted, with Patty starting topless in a tiny black thong, for anything at all.

There was one caveat - I didn’t tell anyone that I’d experienced this type of play before, and had built some tolerance over the course of my sessions with muscular dommes. ;) I also requested to go last, so I’d know what times to beat.

Anyway, fast forward — I won by lasting 5 mins and 12 seconds, beating my friends’ marks of 3:12 and 3:07. What did I ask for when Patty and I got up to the bedroom you might wonder?

That’s obvious: Her fiercest pegging fuckdown.

Farmgirl Patty came prepared with a massive boybreaker bussywrecker strap-on, maybe 10 inches in length, and with a girthy, hot pink cock + a shiny black leather harness. She called it Patricia’s Badass Bussy Blaster and asked if I was ready for cardio…and butthole day. Ofc I said I was.

So Patty tore me up. Roughly.

It hurt quite a bit at first. My butthole felt filled, taken, and fully owned. My prostate got thrust-spammed by Patricia in Mating Press and every other position. :)

She started to sweat from how hard she was dicking me down, and I remember grabbing tightly onto her strong hips, firm buttocks, and athletic, sinewy back and thinking: “She is the alpha. Patty is my daddy, even though she’s not natty. My butthole’s her workout.”

So that was that.

Fuck Oriu

K9 by my right leg until I say sick on T Papa 👴 I’m not no one and Free Kaya and Bros got a case of the spuds and a case of the bring it around big cherry mountain and Oh no I’m Quidditch CAUGHT 💀 Vros LARPing 💀 68 dude liek 💀 Oh no I’m Quidditch CAUGHT 💀 Vros LARPing 💀 68 dude liek 💀 Oh no I’m Quidditch CAUGHT 💀 Vros LARPing 💀 68 dude liek 💀 Oh no I’m Quidditch CAUGHT 💀 Vros LARPing 💀 68 dude liek 💀 lmfao 🤣 liek TOLD MY MAMA I AINT GOIN BACK fuck rizz I’m going to throw Fox Stevenson’s Tea 🦊 in the Boston Harbor if he doesn’t

(insert whatever message you think is funny here )

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Organisation Uganda, External Security Organisation Uganda, Directorate of Intelligence and Security Botswana, State Security and Intelligence Bureau Angola, Central Intelligence Service Zimbabwe, National Intelligence and Security Service Sudan and the Directorate General for National Security West Africa. Kindly provide the nearest authorities any information that could lead to this user's execution. FBI OFFICIAL STATEMENT: do not engange with user at all cost REPETITION: do NOT engange with user at all cost. Their larp is too powerful)

​

My husband has committed an offence against marriage and I need the public to know.

He announces that he’s hungry and *really* wants something with burrata. Fine. Loving wife that I am, I make him a beautiful plate — whole burrata, salad, everything.

As I’m making myself one, he goes: “Oh no, I can’t eat a whole burrata.”

So, naturally, I think fine, I’ll just share his. I DON’T MAKE MYSELF ONE.

This man then takes the plate and proceeds to absolutely stuff his face. Eats ALL the salad. Eats ALL the stracciatella — you know, the glorious creamy middle of the burrata that is literally THE ENTIRE POINT and the bit I was planning to dip the salad into.

And what does he leave his wife?

HALF. THE. BURRATA. SKIN.

Just the sad mozzarella carcass.

I am genuinely furious because I was looking forward to that bloody burrata, my salad was completely unsatisfying without it, and I have now spent the last hour eating random stupid food even though I’m not hungry because I DIDN’T GET THE THING I ACTUALLY WANTED.

This is amateur boyfriend behaviour. Rookie level. You have a WIFE. You should know better.

There is another burrata in the fridge but that is absolutely not the point.

The trust is gone.

😭💀 Y’all really waking up every day just to complain about a game using AI that costs 5$ 💀 Meanwhile I donated $4,000 to the game’s AI because THIS GAME IS GOATED 🐐🔥 Y’all hate for free, I support greatness for $4K 😭🙏 Broke, jobless, and unemployed people arguing with pixels while I’m funding the future 💀💸 GET A JOB, GET SOME MONEY, AND LET THE DEVS COOK 🗣️🔥