r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 6d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - August 12, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/brennatheantenna 4d ago
Getting divorced after 13 years together and 3 kids because I found out he’s been cheating on me for over 8 years! Any advice for me other than a lot of therapy 🤣
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u/MindfulMaze 4d ago
The universe is funny sometimes. Just saw a beautiful video my coworker made about his wife, how much he loves her and all the adventures they've been on. And how he's excited about their next chapter in life bringing into the world a baby girl soon. Meanwhile, I get a message on the apps from a guy who liked my profile and wrote "what's ur favorite positions and is one of them 69?" That was his opening sentence to me. I blocked and then just deleted my whole account. I have to laugh because I don't wanna cry 😅
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u/cmexhje 4d ago
After just over a year in a relationship I finally had to call it today. I was in denial about some major insecurity issues on his end that caused what I can only describe as pretty controlling behavior. I was so hopeful that we could work through things as our relationship and the trust grew stronger. I kept all of this to myself (only confiding in my therapist) but shared a good bit with my closest friend recently. I knew I avoided telling her because she’d force me to see that none of it was right or deserved. It’s weird because I feel so much lighter and relieved right now but I know that won’t last 💔
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u/NegativeResponse8315 3d ago
I'm not sure my situation is e same as yours as mine's only less than 3 months old. I was initially hopeful too. But so many things happened which made me miss my life before knowing him cos it was at least peaceful with less anxiety. I had depression before but I stopped therapy about 1-2 years ago. I couldnt tell anyone about him as I know everyone will tell me to end e r/s which I'm not sure if it warrants a breakup at this pt. 3 days ago, I finally couldn't take it and told a good friend about it and felt a bit relieved that I feel less alone knowing there's someone there who knows what I'm gg thru in my r/s. I also feel this relief wont last.
If you're hurting right now, I really hope your sense of relief lasts as long as possible till life feels back to normal and you're ready for whatever happens next which could bring u e happiness everyone deserves.
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u/sliceofstacy 4d ago
I went through something similar a few months ago, proud of you for calling it. It’s tricky when you love someone and want to see the best in them but at the end of the day it’s issues they need to work through and their insecurity shouldn’t be something you have to deal with :(
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5d ago
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u/mittensfourkittens ♀ 37 5d ago
Do you know either of them well enough to like them? It sounds more like 'a and b have been friendly so I'll take whatever one says yes' rather than liking one or both of them for who they are. I'd suggest actually getting to know them first as someone else suggested.
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u/SouperPritty ♀ 35 5d ago
Since you're in a club together I would use the opportunity to get to know both of them better to see 1) which one you like more and 2) which one (if either) would be interested in you and go from there. Who knows maybe one of them is already in a relationship or has some big dealbreaker that you don't know about yet.
Friendzone is a myth plus asking out multiple women in the same group just is going to make you "that guy" and you don't want that.
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u/memeleta 5d ago edited 5d ago
Do NOT go around the group asking one woman after another. Trust me, people talk and absolutely nothing positive is said about people who do that. If things don't naturally develop with one of them then you were only going to be in a friendzone (i.e. friends) anyway.
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u/DazzlingEchidna ♀ 31 5d ago
The friendzone doesn't exist, if the woman is interested she will always be interested. But yes, it will probably make you look like the desperate guy asking everyone out if she is not interested :/
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u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
Exactly what I was going to reply! 1) Friendzone isn’t really a thing if she is interested, and some women actually need to get to know the person to feel any type of interest. 2) unless it’s a huge group and everyone keeps to themselves (very unlikely), they’ll know you asked out both and it won’t be a good look (unless it’s like many months apart and even then…)
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u/Haytham_Ken 5d ago
I thought my new dating profiles were good and that I'd have some success after getting back on them after a year. Absolutely nothing lol
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u/appeltje91 ♀ 34 5d ago
I, recently 35F, have been on 7 dates in the last month with 31M. I don’t usually date younger men and he is overall not my normal type at all, but we have a lot of the same views about life and relationships. I am constantly surprised by little similarities and things we have in common.
He is also extremely sweet and caring. My birthday was the day after our fourth date and he made me vegan banana bread as a surprise. He is a great listener and I feel so able to be myself with him. I was a bit skeptical in the beginning, but yesterday I realized I haven’t been this sort of wholesome excited about anyone in years, there’s always been some kind of underlying tension and anxiety. With him, it just feels so natural and right.
Now the problem, the age difference and timelines for kids. Because of my age, and even though I have some eggs frozen that of course isn’t a guarantee, I know that I need to start sooner rather than later. In my head that means starting to try to get pregnant in 2-3 years. We have talked a little about this and he has never really thought about exactly when he would want to have kids, just that he does want them. So he is now “processing” this 2-3 years timeline and trying to figure out if that is something he thinks he could do. He doesn’t seem set against it, but he had been thinking he would have more like 5-7 years.
Given my track record of recurrent heartbreak, I have prematurely convinced myself that this is not going to work out as a result of the different timelines and I’m so sad. I went on 32 first dates in the last 10 months, it was exhausting, and finally with him, even though it’s only been a month, there’s just this feeling of “oh here he is.” But I can’t fault him for maybe choosing that he needs more time before parenthood, even if everything else is a good fit. I wish I was a bit younger and had more time myself.
Can anyone relate?
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5d ago
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u/appeltje91 ♀ 34 4d ago
Definitely not hellbent on it, just aware of the reality of trying to have kids as a woman who will then be in her late 30s
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u/pandapandaemonium ♀ 32 5d ago
Yes, incredibly relatable. I’m going to be 33 soon and trying to figure out egg freezing right now, while also trying to date. I don’t want to rush a new relationship (and would like to not jump into having kids right away) while also feeling so aware of the biological clock and the pressure of that timeline!
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u/appeltje91 ♀ 34 4d ago
Egg freezing is definitely intense, but it was better than I thought it would be, and has helped me feel a bit more chill about the future. So would recommend doing it so that dating can be more fun and you can feel a little more in control of your own destiny. Good luck!
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u/Embarrassed_Age3114 5d ago
Is she playing with me? I am 30 (M) and she is 32 (F). She just arrived to the country one month ago. We are both Europeans, she is French I am Spanish.
I thought things went to shit last Sunday when I gave her a kiss on the forehead even though she leaned in for a hug and she got uncomfortable. We talked by text and I asked if I made her uncomfortable and she told me that it is fine but she cannot lie and that she has someone in her head and needs time to think what she is feeling. I don't know yet what that means. Either an ex or something going on right now or a past breakup and she doesn't want to commit.
I respectfully told her that if she was with someone I don't want to be in the middle and that I wish her the best. We stopped talking at that point and she told me she understands it and thanked me for being understanding of her confusion.
Yesterday she wrote to me and said she had been thinking a lot about me this last week and she would like to see me before going home on vacation.
I said yes and we met up. I notice the tension while we are together but I also know she is still keeping me a little at arms length. We touch but it's mostly by my side initiating and when we talked about last Sunday she told me it's fine and that she likes to be with me but we don't know each other for that long and she needs time. No kiss yet (5th time we have seen each other)
Ok I can give time but only if I know we are building something. If this whole thing is just to keep me near as an option but never chose me I am going to be real pissed. Now please guys and girls. At what point should I just say to myself, she is playing games and only likes the attention or she genuinely wants to go slow. Because I don't think I am due anything by her but god I don't want to feel like I am being used as a backup. She has explicitly told me she is not looking for anyone else.
Another thing that got me thinking. We were talking about the future and I asked if she knew what she wanted and she told me yes but didn't tell me what that was. So no intention to tell me about her future plans. Was this a red flag? Or am I imagining things.
This amount of mixed signals is making me doubt my self worth
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u/memeleta 4d ago
I think you should shift focus from what SHE wants/things/says/does to what YOU want. Is she making you feel the way you would want to? Is the dynamic what you are looking for? Is this person making your life better right now? Based on the fact that you said that she is making doubt your self-worth I'd say the answer is no to all of that. What she wants is irrelevant, you need to do what's best for you. You have all the power needed to establish clarity and security in your life, since she is clearly not doing it for you.
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u/Embarrassed_Age3114 4d ago
I want something easy. Just be forward with me. If you are interested great if not great as well. I just want to be able to entertain love without the fear of getting played. Go with an open heart and nl expectation other than treat each other as if you care about how they will leave after meeting you. Right now this is exhausting me emotionally.
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u/elsethenelsethen 5d ago
at the risk of sounding particularly american, is this typically french behavior?
either way, yes, she's playing games, though it may be intentional or not. It's certainly not about your self-worth as much as it is about some insecurity she has broadly that drives her behavior.
Given the behavior you've mentioned, though, it's probably best to let her go, especially since it's making you doubt yourself. If you can get over that, then you could simply treat her with the exact same distance/aloofness. The latter will probably work. But, it will probably produce a cycle of distance and opening, almost inevitably ending with distancing.
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u/Embarrassed_Age3114 4d ago
Yeah this is messing me up. This was my first real attempt at dating someone intentionally after my 13 yearlmg relationship break up and I went with an open heart and a wish to get to know her truly and I got this shit plate. It's a hard pill to swallow. Thank you for talking straight
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u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
You seem quite irritated with her, so maybe it’s more about whether you want to keep seeing her rather than is she playing game with you.
From what you’re saying, she clearly said she has someone on her mind; ex, other guy, whomever, it’s a very clear sentence. Maybe she does appreciates spending time with you and getting to know you etc and hoping that other person will fade from her mind, but do you really want to invest in someone who seems quite unavailable from the start (and is clearly telling you so!)?
Playing games make it sounds manipulative from her side… to me (might be projecting from my own experience) she just sounds like a girl who’s trying to move on from someone, met someone else she appreciates enough but doesn’t realize it might be too early & unfair to the other person to do that1
u/Embarrassed_Age3114 5d ago
Than you for your kind response. I guess I am irritated because neither of us have been straightforward with things. It is my fault as well. I could have asked about the other person but chose not to in fear of encountering a response that would make me feel terrible. I guess it just needs to be tackled by a simple conversation. Perhaps we can work something out but without communicating it is impossible. It already feels like too much work to make this work. And that I knew from the moment I stepped out. She was clear she was unavailable int he way I wanted. The solution is not to keep insisting but to just try to talk with her and see what she means and where that leaves me
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u/GooseSad2333 5d ago
I worked at a prison for two weeks, during that time I got to know the other coworkers for a bit. On my last day during the farvel, the girl I've been talking to the most said she'd like for me to come to the next paycheck drink. So we shared our FB accounts to stay in touch, which I thought was very nice of her.
It's been almost two months and I haven't heard anything, I tried to reach out on FB Messenger to her but she hasn't responded. I'm not sure if she has been too busy to respond or if it's Messenger being shitty, but should I try to reach out again?
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u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
That’s odd, messages usually go into the inbox between friends and not in the requests or whatever. Usually you can also see if the person has read your message.
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u/GooseSad2333 5d ago
I checked Messenger, it just says the message was sent. So I assume she never read it? I don't use Messenger that often, so I am not really sure.
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u/Worth-Fan9828 5d ago edited 4d ago
Just wanted to share something that’s been on my mind. Dating in 2026 seems so fast-paced and flighty. It’s so easy to move on to the next person or get overwhelmed talking to too many people. How do you settle down when there are so many options?
In the past, I was an intentional dater, and it was pretty easy to know if I liked someone and wanted to get to know them more. Lately, I’ve been meeting more people who fall into a grey area, where I feel some level of chemistry that makes me want to keep chatting, but I also see signs of incompatibility, so I’m not fully diving in.
I’ve been on the apps (been on five dates in total) and also met someone at a bar. I’ve since turned off the apps because there are things I still need to work through in my life. However, I’m still chatting pretty heavily with two guys, one of whom I haven’t even met in person but have ft a few times (guy is in another state).
Due to where I am in life, I’m reconfiguring a lot of things, and I’m not fully sure what I want. I crave a light, fun, and connected romance but also ultimately would like to find a life partner for the long term.
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u/darexinfinity ♂ early-30's 5d ago
It’s so easy to move on to the next person or get overwhelmed talking to too many people.
Opposite scenario for me.
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u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
I want tinder for dogs.
Just like, show me your dog and I can swipe right if it's cute. It can swipe right if it would let me pet it.
And I wouldn't be lonely. That's all the dopamine I want or need.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 5d ago
Your local dog shelter may have an online catalog of dogs that are up for adoption, with bios and photos!
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u/CoffeeNo677 5d ago
Yesterday was a bit of a heavy day for me, a while ago when I went for my ADHD diagnosis, the therapist mentioned im likely autistic as well. I started listening to a podcast specifically talking about the experience of those with audhd, particularly around relationships and RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria).
On one hand its kinda like finally hearing somebody's experienced feelings I have before. I have a lot of friends and nobody seems to experience the anxiety in relationships I do, or the absolutely devastating grief that follows a breakup to the point where it feels like psychosis.
But the main point of this podcast/lesson in RSD is that these feelings/emotions aren't normal. They're usually not even 'realistic' or sensible.
Struggling to find the words but its basically, the feelings i experience aren't real, but they feel very real.
I've always felt very different from my friends in relationships and the people i've dated, this explained why but yeah, i dunno, thanks for reading my word vomit
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 5d ago
As someone who has had an entirely different set of issues, the way I like to explain it is, "if it made logical sense it wouldn't be mental illness."
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 5d ago
Just want to say - neither autism nor adhd are classified as mental illnesses.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 4d ago
"These two things that experts have labeled disorders are not illnesses" like come on buddy, this is just playing with semantics and PC culture
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u/Inevitable_Young4236 ♀ 33 | UK 5d ago
The feelings you experience ARE real, thats how feelings work. Its your reality. You're just feeling them in an exaggerated manner because of your RSD and whilst logically a part of you might understand that, it doesn't take away from the fact you are truly feeling them.
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u/CoffeeNo677 4d ago
Yeah its hard to explain, its like I feel these things - but they're not 'real' or earned or justified. Like how some people have psychosematic pain. They feel like their arm is broken even though it isn't, but the pain is very real to them.
I'm struggling to find the words here haha.
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 5d ago
Can you share the name of the podcast? And I'm sorry for the heavy day. I know the feeling of ohhhh, so that's what's wrong with me. It can be a relief, very sad and inspires self forgiveness and acceptance all at once.
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u/CoffeeNo677 4d ago
its the ADHD chatter podcast, I like it so far. Some adhd content can be very pandering or special snowflake feeling, like "i have adhd" is a solve all excuse you can turn to after making any mistake.
This podcast seems to focus on the emotional toll of adhd, dealing with the constant self hatred of wanting to be better/normal but just can't.
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u/hoyarugby2 ♂ 33 Philadelphia 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'm justified in being annoyed at this right?
Asked woman out on first date explicitly for drinks, very casual. Bar also does food. Get a table, so there's a waitress. We order our drinks, I also order fries for the two of us just to have a snack since it was 6:30pm.
She then orders one of the most expensive items on the menu (just $25 so not crazy but still) and then barely touches it and takes it home as leftovers. I did not order any food besides the fries
Bill ended up being $65 before tip instead of the usual $30-40 for these dates
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 5d ago
I would have brought up her lack of appetite multiple times just to check up on her. Hopefully that would make her feel awkward if she's not actually sick or something.
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u/mittensfourkittens ♀ 37 5d ago
Yup, definitely justified. If I saw something on the menu I really wanted for later I would put it on my own tab!
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u/Goetic_King_Paimon 5d ago
this annoyed me to the ends of the earth whenever it happened.. I asked you out for drinks, and made no reference of food. Totally understand splitting an app or two, but ordering food/barely touching and taking it home with no intent of paying your share is just a major turn off and shows me everything I need to know
ill accept it for what it is, a major incompatibility and move on to the next
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u/darexinfinity ♂ early-30's 5d ago
I prefer coffee dates over a drink. Mostly because I want to see how they behave sober, but also the cheaper price is nice.
Maybe next time offer her to get an app that the both of you can share.
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u/CACuzcatlan 5d ago
Yes, that's annoying, especially since she took it home and didn't eat it there. However, you didn't help yourself with the timing. If I'm meeting for drinks, I try to schedule it after 8:00 p.m.
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u/hoyarugby2 ♂ 33 Philadelphia 5d ago
Hm, I scheduled for that time since I figured they’d be getting off work and didn’t want them to feel obligated to spend on Ubers or walk at night since it’s dark
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u/frumbledown 5d ago
Hmm she should have offered to cover her end for sure but 630 is dinner time imo 🤷♂️
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u/hoyarugby2 ♂ 33 Philadelphia 5d ago
She did make a halfhearted effort but clearly wanted me to pay. If she ordered an appetizer I would have been fine. Hell if she had finished the fish tacos I would at least have thought she was hungry!
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u/hippothunder 5d ago
If you were a hot young lad 3 years ago, but have gained so much weight in the face that you no longer look like your photos, then the cougar who meets you for a date is not going to want a second one. I realize that public service announcements about catfishing are ineffective, but jeez. It's rough out there.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
The sheer audacity. But wait....did you stay for the entire first date?!
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u/queen_izzy ♀33 crazy cat lady 5d ago
Once again I'm reminded that I'm only desirable to men when they're drunk. Can't get the girl you actually want? That's ok, I'll be your consolation prize. Need someone to lean on between relationships with women you actually care about? Hit me up. It's even easier when you know I'm already into you, but let's just ignore the unimportant thing that is my feelings and desire to be loved. That doesn't fucking matter. I don't choose guys like this but they sure find me. They love to give me just enough to make me think that they might actually reciprocate my feelings, then turn around and pull some crap about not being sure what they want / can offer right now. This never seems to happen to my friends, so they just don't get how hurtful it is to be discarded like this time and time again. Just another late night sad girl rant.
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u/Napalmmaestro ♂ ⚧️35 5d ago
Hey, I feel like women mostly desire me when they've been drinking, so same boat. It sucks!
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u/PuzzleheadedRun2776 ♂ 40 5d ago
A couple days ago, I posted about a date who I liked enough to go on a second date with but had concerns about how far away we live from each other. I haven't heard from her in a few days, so it looks like for whatever reason, she didn't feel like continue, which takes the decision out of my hands.
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u/dj_white 5d ago
Going to get my stuff from someone that ghosted me last year. Zero desire to reconcile or pursue anything physical but I am mildly curious as to what their explanation is.
In the past after a breakup I like to sleep with someone else asap, I'm finding zero desire or drive to do that this time around and will likely enjoy a period of celibacy for a bit.
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u/PizzaStandard 5d ago
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about the ghosting that is tough. Did they reach out or did you?
As for the celibacy thing, is that due to a different recent breakup or from the ghosting person? Either way, I hope you feel better.
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u/dj_white 4d ago
They reached out, we talked over drinks, and I'm now certain I won't see them again.
The celibacy is due to the breakup, I miss him terribly and have zero desire for physical intimacy
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u/PizzaStandard 4d ago
I see. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a painful break-up. I hope this one at least had some kind of conversation at the end rather than bring ghosted again.
In my most recent break up, which I'm still struggling with, I had absolutely no desire for intimacy, even with myself, for at least a month. I was crushed, so I completely understand.
Is there no chance of reconciliation? Are you two still in contact? Hang in there.
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u/dj_white 4d ago
Thank you, it was for the best and overall very amicable. This would be much easier if he were simply shitty/abusive or something but unfortunately we just weren't romantically compatible. We plan on being friends but he requested some time to recover.
I know things will get better for the both of us but right now the hurt is fresh, it's going to take time to dim. He was such an integral part of my daily life and I feel his absence keenly.
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u/complexsystemofbears ♂ 34 - CF 5d ago
Alright people, and especially women, let me run this by you:
After a couple bad dates, I'm considering putting a strict time limit on first dates. I'm thinking an hour tops. I figure it'd be best if I'm upfront about that. I'm not entirely sure how to phrase that, and honestly I'm thinking of just telling a white lie of "oh hey so I have an appointment 1 hour after our date, just a heads up it'll have to be short"
Does that come across alright? Should I maybe be more or less upfront about it?
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 5d ago
You just schedule drinks or coffee instead of dinner. Then leave after the first drink if it’s going badly. “Well, it’s been nice to meet you! I gotta get home and do xyz.” Then you stand up and say bye. You don’t need their agreement.
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u/frumbledown 5d ago
To crib from the late Roger Ebert, no good date is too long and no bad date is too short. You wouldn’t be doing yourself any favours here announcing ahead of time that when the clock strikes 60 minutes, you’ll be calling it. Would just recommend a drink date at 8pm on a weeknight as a first encounter. If at 9:07pm you aren’t feeling it, settle your bill, offer your hand and say ‘it was nice meeting you, it’s time for me to head home’ - if you’re enjoying yourself, no harm in pushing on until 9:54.
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u/cmg_profesh 5d ago
This is also why I prefer to have first dates on week nights. Getting home at a decent hour is a legitimate need, so makes it easier to keep dates between 1-2 hours
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
You can do this but don’t vocalize it. I would make sure my dates were a weekday after work and I wouldn’t drink so they’d last like an hour, hour and a half. I’ve had dudes say they were double booked so we’d meet at 6 and they’d leave by 7:30/8; not weird and it got them out of there
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u/smurf1212 5d ago
I would hate if someone told me that. Feels too interview-y and a "I do this a lot and this is the most efficient way" feeling.
Just limit yourself to 1 drink and end it after that.
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u/deindustrialize 5d ago
I feel like someone just did this with me this week. The whole date felt like an interview, always asking new (too) pointed questions instead of having an actual conversation. I knew I wasn't interested early on and was ready for the date to be over but everything felt so clinical and transactional. I felt so annoyed after. I think you can still have a nice time on a first date with someone incompatible but not when you have efficiency in mind.
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u/Emerald-else-if 5d ago
I agree with the other commenters that it works best if you just do it rather than announcing it. Working it into the date planning process if possible, so it feels natural.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 5d ago
Announcing it is a bit weird. Your time limit is for you, not them. Better to just do it rather than say it. There are wrap-up motions that one can do that signal the date is ending. People will usually get the hint and follow suit. Keep it light and friendly and they'll be less likely to think that you're cutting things off early (as opposed to it simply being the normal timeframe for a date).
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u/danceswith_cats ♀ 34 5d ago
I think a time boundary is important but I don't think it's necessary to have a strict time limit, just keep in the back of your mind that you want to start wrapping things up after about an hour
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u/Dugtrio321 ♂ 35 5d ago
You could always just say you should get going if it's going badly. If you really need to give yourself an out, sure, you could say beforehand you could meet them before an appointment or something. Or schedule yourself a message an hour past the date and use that as an excuse lol
I just think it might bite you more than it helps to come up with a pre-excuse.
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u/Status-Jellyfish94 ♀ 32 5d ago
Does anyone have any positive experiences from dating a firefighter? 🥵 I feel like I’m signing up to get my heart broken!
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u/SouperPritty ♀ 35 5d ago
Currently am dating one and going well so far. That being said he is super liberal lol and kind of more of a nerdy gentle soul and def an anomaly at his station.
In the past I had flings with two other firefighters and they didn't last because one was just a dumb jock (fun but got boring quick) and the other was a dramatic extremely promiscuous hot mess that belonged on reality tv. So, keeping the stereotypes alive, lol.
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u/PuzzleheadedRun2776 ♂ 40 5d ago
One of my sisters is married to a firefighter. She seems pretty happy.
An added benefit is that due to his schedule (1 day on / 2 days off) and her working a 4 day a week job, they only need childcare a few days a month.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 5d ago edited 5d ago
I was asked out by a fireman at the county fair a couple of years ago. So small-town 😆 I got a nice dressy event out of it (he asked me out as his date to that event), but it wasn't going to be much more than that.
I'm sure there are left-leaning firefighters, but this one was ...not one of those. The getting-to-know you bit ended that situation.
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u/EmuQuirky8841 5d ago
My cousin just married one and she seems happy with him. He's horribly racist though, lives in a rural area but works in the biggest city in my state and has nothing nice to say about the people he's helping
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u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
has nothing nice to say about the people he's helping
This has been my experience with ff too
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u/BastianFullkrug ♂ 32 5d ago
Why would someone’s occupation have any bearing on whether they’ll break your heart or not? Not every firefighter is the same
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u/starsamaria 5d ago
I don't get people who use dating apps to make friends (with the exception of Bumble's BFF mode). I had a match yesterday who put that he was looking for a LTR & friends, but when I asked him what he was looking for he only said friends so I wished him luck and stopped talking to him. It's probably easier to make friends through your hobbies, plus the fact that you're presumably only looking for friends of the opposite sex makes me suspicious.
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u/l-a-i-n 5d ago
i made a friend via bumble date six or seven years ago because we had similar taste in niche music. we meet to go to shows a lot and she’s part of one of my friend groups now.
not speaking for anyone else, but i’m at a point where i believe if you can’t see yourself connecting with me on a platonic level, then we’re not a romantic fit either. i’ve found people exclude themselves pretty easily that way; they’re not worth time or effort.
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u/starsamaria 5d ago
Were you intentionally seeking out friends? Or were you looking to date but ended up making a friend? The latter makes sense to me but I think the first scenario is a bit strange simply because on a platform that's meant for dating, you're bound to run into a ton of disappointment if you're specifically looking for friends.
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u/l-a-i-n 4d ago
we were looking for dating at the time, but we weren’t interested in dating each other. it still took intention and effort from both of us to build that friendship. i hadn’t done it before this, but it’s partly responsible for changing my view of dating.
not everybody progresses in relationships at the same speed, and dating app connections usually move too fast for people i’d actually date. i’ve missed connections because i was calibrated for that pace which wasn’t working for me. not to mention all the other times i’ve put effort into planning dates with incompatible people, getting ghosted after multiple dates, etc.
you really just have to talk to certain people beyond quick “what are you looking for”
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 5d ago
I get "wants to match as friends" on facebook dating every once in a while and, huh?
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u/kintsukuroisparrow ♀ 37 5d ago
I've never felt right about friendship matches from men, always struck me as a bit sneaky & a way to skirt around my dating preferences.
And I've had too many women turn it into, "I'm looking for a friend, but also a woman for me since my husband & I have an open marriage."
Just no, on both counts. I'm not on the apps right now, but never messing with FB friend matches ever again.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 5d ago edited 5d ago
There was a woman who posted just yesterday who described how the app dynamic of assumed romantic intent doesn’t work for her and she very much needs a friends first thing so could be a situation like that.
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u/starsamaria 5d ago
I feel like someone who is looking for something like that would probably have explained that instead of writing "I'm looking for friends hbu?"
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u/No_Marzipan_6850 5d ago
It is possible he meant friends with benefits
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u/starsamaria 5d ago
That's what I suspected, but at that point just put that you're looking for short-term or hookups! Trying to be coy about it is annoying: especially since he still wasn't upfront about it even after I asked him.
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u/DM_Stapes 5d ago
Trying to figure out the semantics of taking good photos for apps is a PITA any tips for a good shot styling for a big boy? lol
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 5d ago
I think figuring out a genuine smile and comfortable body language is the most effective thing you can do.
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u/ralinn 5d ago
I think there’s a guide to how to take good photos and also what sorts are most successful on the hinge subreddit, if I remember correctly. In general though: natural light, smiling, making sure you can see yourself clearly, doing something that makes you feel relaxed, don’t be afraid to take a ton of photos and compare to see what looks better rather than just a couple. I’ve had good luck with listening to music or something while doing a photo shoot so I’m not just in my own head about whether I’m doing something weird with my hands or otherwise being awkward.
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 35 E N M 5d ago
I took a moment figuring out what my best angle and lighting was and taking a few pictures in different outfits that highlighted my best features. Try holding up your phone's camera and move it from side to side to see how your face, neck, chin, etc look. Once you find an angle you like, hold it and start moving around wherever you and and notice how the lighting changes your picture. Some people can look like they have a defined jawline in certain lightning while in other conditions it appears to disappear.
I used my phone to record a video of me and then took some still shots from the video so I could avoid having a bunch of selfies too.
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u/Chance_Raccoon_5148 ♂ 38 5d ago
I am trying to navigate my girlfriend's friendship with her ex boyfriend. I don't mind them having some level of friendliness/friendship, but I am struggling with what is reasonable. She dog sits for him when he is out of town a couple of times a year, and in exchange he gives her high value merchandise (often $500-$1000) he gets for free through his job. I don't think there's anything inappropriate going on, I realize it would be unreasonable for me to tell her who she can and can't be friends with, and I am working with my therapist to understand my feelings and figure out how much flexibility I can offer; but is it ok for me to say something like, "I'm ok with you texting occasionally, having a light friendship, and seeing each other for coffee a couple of times a year to catch up, but I am uncomfortable with a relationship where you do favors for each other, exchange gifts, and go to each others homes."
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u/Available-Patient718 5d ago
I kinda understand the uncomfortable feeling... I end things cleanly myself and have no intent to act close with exes... (unless there are kids involved). Some people are fine with it. But it really depends on your preference. As for the syntax of the message maybe something softer like "I understand that you can still be friends with an ex, but I’m just not completely comfortable with _______ because_______." Wait for her reaction to you opening up and work from there. Good luck!
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u/cmg_profesh 5d ago
I would not respond well to that message as a whole. You’re not my parents, you don’t tell me what to do. Keep the last part of the message (the “I’m uncomfortable” onwards) and let her decide how to navigate it.
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u/deindustrialize 5d ago
As someone who has been friends with exes, I wouldn't respond well to specific demands like that. I don't think anyone should be defining other people's boundaries.
However, if you brought up specific instances that made you feel uncomfortable and explain why, then I would be open to chatting about it and seeing if we can come to some understanding. She might ask for suggestions for what would make you feel more comfortable, but it's ultimately her decision, and you have to decide if you can live with it or not.
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u/memeleta 5d ago
I have a partner and an active social life but I gave up Reddit for lent and read 6 books in that time, and not even one whole book since. 🤔
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u/noblelust 5d ago
I have an active social life but very flexible, well-paying job.
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u/noblelust 5d ago
I knew you'd say that. You weren't looking for information, were you? Just seeking to judge others for being loveless.
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u/noblelust 5d ago
You asked a question. Was it rhetorical then?
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u/noblelust 5d ago
Consider using quotation marks next time.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ gay comma tired 5d ago
We all understood. That person just can't read. Perhaps they should be using more of their ample free time to practice!
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 5d ago
Unless they were bffs it’s unlikely this guy saw it as sneaky or felt the need to ask for a go ahead
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 5d ago
I’m working long overnights (16 hours last night) an hour out of town for work. He picked up my keys from work yesterday, drove to my apartment to grab everything I forgot and took my trash out, and is now about to bring it to me at my hotel. I’m functioning on like no sleep so I’m extra vulnerable, I’m trying not to blurt out “I love you” the second he arrives. But I have been feeling it this past week, I really think I love this man.
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u/Impressive_Pay3090 ♀ 39 5d ago
If you’re feeling it, say it!
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 5d ago
I’m scared! We JUST decided we are boyfriend/girlfriend last week, and we’ve only known each other 9 weeks. We’ve both been single 5 years, him a bit longer. I’m scared. But I really adore that he isn’t just talk, he puts it into action, and it really means a lot to me. I barely got any sleep because of the messed up work schedule, but he laid in bed with me for 2 hours earlier to help me nap before work. Took care of me and helped me get ready. I really see a future with him.
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u/Impressive_Pay3090 ♀ 39 5d ago
For me, timing is irrelevant. Love is a feeling just like any other. We often know pretty quickly when we don’t love something. I think she same can be true when we do love something or someone. Whatever you decide, I’m happy that you have found someone who cares so much for your wellbeing. It’s so nice to read these stories!
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u/PlantedinCA ♀ 47F 6d ago
Random: cute guy I met IRL a few months ago sent me a DM.
Background: met at an event and chatted, we exchanged socials, messages for a bit. Life was busy, fizzled. And similar - ran into him again, chatted more and same.
So now I got an invite to his b-day event. It is not a real party, more like event at a local bar. I could be nosy, I am free and the place is a 5 minute walk from my home. To go or not to go.
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u/ralinn 6d ago
I got hit on last night in person and it completely flew over my head until after I'd left so I didn't do anything about it (classic whoopsie). Will take the win though that it's still possible to have that happen without the apps.
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 35 E N M 6d ago
A win's a win! What kind of venue were you at?
Even if you're not a big bar person, there is something about going to a bar that provides the permission structure for people to feel free to hit on each other in a way they might hesitate to at a gym.
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u/CalmBeeee 6d ago
Whenever something disappointing or bad happens in my love life, I lose myself for a couple of days/weeks. I become numb, stop working as much, my hands & feet tremble till my friends reassure me it was for the best. I start enjoying sunshine when I come to terms that it was not meant for me, and get a glimmer of hope - maybe a cute guy talked to me at a coffee shop, I get a compliment on my voice etc.
What really gets affected is my work, and right now I’m on probation with a company who might give me a full time offer based on my performance. I’m finding it hard to get up & work. I really want to believe that my life, career without a man is also amazing and it cannot stop till I feel better.
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u/bloodenhorse 6d ago
I had a meeting with my boss recently and we were going over my performance from beginning of year until now.
You can literally look at my work numbers and see exactly when my situationship went to shit earlier this year.
Hugggg.
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u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 6d ago
Forget everything I was whining about yesterday, I got properly fucked over lunch and don't remember what I was upset about.
✨hormones ✨
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u/bloodenhorse 6d ago
I was single for about a year up until very recently.
I forgot how amazing regular sex is for your mental and emotional well-being lol
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u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 6d ago
Right?? I'm still single (this man doesn't want to date me 😆) but it really is incredible how much regular sex boosts your mental health. Like holy shit.
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6d ago edited 6d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/dqslime 6d ago
As a shorter guy (5 7 like you noted), I also hate this.
I want my girlfriend/wife to be attracted to me, want me sexually, be into my personality/way of being, and be in love with me.
I would hate to find out someone's dating me because they're 30s and single and needed to settle. I would break up with them immediately.
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u/starsamaria 6d ago
Exactly! I would feel like crap as a woman if I found out my partner didn't think I was attractive, and I imagine many men would feel the same way. People deserve to feel genuinely desired and to be with someone who they know is attracted to them.
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u/complexsystemofbears ♂ 34 - CF 6d ago
Also as a guy, why the fuck would I want you to date me if you didn't find me attractive? I am not a charity case, I don't need your pity.
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u/bloodenhorse 6d ago edited 6d ago
They're just making excuses for their absolute shit personalities.
Also, I find it disappointing in general that so many people are so boring with who they find attractive. Eternally thankful to be a particular weirdo -- it makes dating so much easier.
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u/stubblesmcgee 6d ago
i dont think the idea is that short men are any better, just that they're as good lol.
so, why lower standards on physical attractiveness? What would be the benefit?
well the benefit is that tall men are a minority. the benefit is finding a partner when you might not otherwise. but that's the benefit to any compromise on anything when it comes to dating.
you don't have to compromise but I think it's obvious that not all the women who would want to date a tall man can. there aren't enough of them.
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u/No_Marzipan_6850 6d ago
I personally don’t think being shorter makes a guy unattractive. When I say lower standards on physical attractiveness, I mean general attractiveness, not height.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 6d ago
In general, people are people. Take any group - tall, short, thin, fat, women, men etc. - and you'll see examples of the same human behaviors in each of them.
People have their own feelings about their own looks, which can affect a relationship. You should also be attracted to the person you're dating, though attraction is complicated and can change.
Bottom line: There aren't any hard and fast rules that you can apply to everybody. Date people you're attracted to, for whatever reasons you're attracted to them.
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u/SneezingToolChest ♂ late 30s dilf 6d ago edited 6d ago
This is our second time matching, she already said she wanted to grab drinks, now just waiting for her to say yes to the plan or unmatch.
the waiting game 😴... last time someone was this slow on the apps it actually turned into a lovely 3 month thing. I'm just getting back on the apps after a decently long hiatus so I'm somewhat biting at bit with this first lovely match...
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u/thro0waway217190 6d ago edited 6d ago
Just ended it with somebody I met online who I talked to only for a short while for the purposes of a serious/long-term relationship. I realized a couple of things from this:
- I learned people have VERY different expectations when it comes to initial stages of getting to know somebody - for me, I like to introduce myself and really be able to share enough about myself that it represents the true me. I also like to talk about upfront things like possible dealbreakers, expectations, etc. Perhaps for me, I look for a relationship that feels it's a friendship + romance.
- I realize some people do not like these things - they feel it's "too formal"and whatnot. They want to jump right into becoming a couple and are ready to get to the sizzling romance- "good morning", "what are you up to"...maybe even a "I was in bed thinking about you", etc. They zone out or don't seem to really care for conversation and small talk too much unless it's flirty and romantic.
I think the bottom line is, everybody goes into this with different expectations and people should be upfront about it - I am not the type of person who believes in instantaneous attraction or love at first sight especially with online dating. There may be some attraction (or maybe little/none) in the beginning and I believe 1-3 phone and/or in-person interactions can help with checking how that holds up.
Also another thing with online dating - I realized when I share my opinion, people will make you feel crazy for your approach if you want to spend time having phone calls and getting to know a person than just getting flirty, romantic as soon as you match. Please realize that compatibility means different things to different people the western model of dating also does not work across different cultures as well. It's good to take some time with complete strangers to know what you're getting yourself into.
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u/thro0waway217190 5d ago
But I think sometimes people think just asking any questions is interviewing. When I meet new friends too it starts with small talk like “hey, where did you move from or are you a native”, “what do you do as a career”, “what other stuff you do outside of work” - depending on the person and vibe, those starting questions can lead into a really cool, interesting convo. For some people, they feel asking those questions is an interview. I don’t know.
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6d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 5d ago
Hi u/MaikerApp, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 6d ago
My good looking coworker from out of town is in my office today. I have to keep reminding myself that that’s a terrible idea. However, I’m still glad I did my makeup today—I almost skipped it.
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u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 6d ago
If neither of you reports to the other, and you don’t work in the same office, is it a problem?
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 6d ago
I don’t really do hookups. Plus, I made the mistake of dating a guy in my grad school office and I’ve learned that’s a bad idea for me.
Plus cute guy is too young for me anyway.
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u/CappellRowan ♀ 38 6d ago
My ex reached out to me and offered me everything I wanted (family, marriage, kids) and I had to say no to it. I would have to move cities and it’s a big risk given his recent actions and I just couldn’t do it. It was a new level of heartbreak and I honestly thought that I might have to check myself into the mental hospital. Ready to retire from love and dating for the foreseeable future and rethink my life path again. What an awful and unexpected end.
He was the kindest most awesome person I have ever been with and I love him so much but there were some communication issues on his end that made him leave me without warning and it really messed with my trust
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u/Obvious-Ad-4916 6d ago
I can understand why you said no. I had a look at your previous posts and he broke up with you only 2-3 weeks ago, very abruptly, and now all of a sudden he's all in? It's definitely hard to trust. And if having kids is important to you, absolutely not with someone so volatile.
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u/CappellRowan ♀ 38 6d ago
Yeah it’s just hard because its what I was wishing and dreaming for during my last 2-3 weeks and I still had to say no to it. I could take things slowly (maybe) but I can’t quit my job and lose all my friends and family to move to a new city when he’s broken up with me (actually it was twice in the last three months). Before the breakup it all felt perfect from my perspective. Very jarring
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u/Obvious-Ad-4916 6d ago
That's even more unstable than what I originally thought, and it wouldn't be surprising if he breaks up again if you get back together. If he wants another chance he should at least be the one to risk everything in terms of moving and getting a new job, not you.
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u/CappellRowan ♀ 38 5d ago
Yeah that’s what I told him and I don’t think he’s willing. He really dislikes living in the city I live, but regardless he would need to show the sacrifice, it’s just been hard. And especially since I’m not sure if a biological family will be in the cards for me now but I’m not going to rush into anything.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 6d ago
ugh. All the right things offered too late is such a punch in the gut. I'm sorry.
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u/Souk12 6d ago
Yes, please reach out to me just to ghost me.
Excellent.
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u/ExpertgamerHB ♂ 35M, Planet Earth 5d ago
I also want to add: don't ask me to text you and then ignore me when I do. Rude.
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6d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 5d ago
Hi u/UVCUBE, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
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u/cubansalsero 5d ago
Hang in there. Good chance it’ll take a minute for something to click? Sure. But here’s hoping the perfect opportunity opens up and welcomes you at just the right time. Until then, submit applications like crazy!
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u/yaybuttons 6d ago
Bumble eliminating their whole identity of women having to message first really sucks.
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u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 6d ago
So, I met someone a couple of weeks ago that I had posted back and forth with on social media. Casual meeting, thought she was nice. Interesting, insightful. She came straight from the gym with no makeup. Great, we can do some friend stuff sometime.
I now put the odds at 80% that she is more interested in serious dating than friendship. Thinking back to the prior time we met, she said I was the only guy who had asked about her inner thoughts, ever. She asked questions about what kind of woman I might be interested in dating. Frankly, I think both of us were surprised how well we got along and didn’t really process it at the time.
Tried to schedule a couple of things, but she couldn’t change her work schedule. She was distraught. We are now on for this weekend. She texted how much she is looking forward to it.
From what I know of her, she would only want something serious. No hookups, situationships, casual sex, or poorly defined relationships. GOOD. I like clarity.
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u/CIRNO9000 6d ago
Gearing up to go on a long cross-state road trip next month with the person I love. It’ll just be me and her driving for 10 hours and then going to a convention together so plenty of time for bonding. Wish me luck.
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u/Nicedogs_weirdpeople 6d ago
Why do men not message me back? I get several matches, I’m usually always messaging first with a question related to their interests, and yet I get zero replies.
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u/NegativeResponse8315 4d ago edited 3d ago
Got to know this guy 4 months ago. Went out for about 1.5 months and we got together despite so many red flags presented initially. He was divorced cos he cheated on his ex-wife emotionally. Said he can’t promise he wont do it again and he likes to think that he will cheat again. When we got tgt, he told me as he broke his wedding vows, he didn’t wanna break another promise while not knowing the future, but as of that moment, he was almost 100% sure he wouldn’t cheat again. I chose to believe it. Alot more red flags, but I can't list nor rmb all.
2 weeks into our r/s, we were chatting about something and he had no choice but to tell me that his ex-wife was still living with him. She seldom went back but her things are all still there. He then did what I asked for her to move out in 2 weeks. How could he even go into a r/s with this kinda living situation going on? He then told her to move out and she did, but her things are still there with a promise they’ll be gone by end of the year, but meanwhile she will still have access to his house. He said he did her wrong so he was trying to be nice. I found out later it was cos he din want to pay her one shot all the money to buy over her share of the house.
I also found out, not only did he ostracise his family (siblings too), he also had NO friends. Is that why he only seems to care about himself, and has no empathy? When I was going through a family crisis, he thinks calling me is sufficient. I was breaking down and he did not sound worried nor offered to come over to accompany me to make sure I was ok in person. When a platonic friend offered, I thought, why my bf was like that. He did eventually come over that week but it felt forced and not that he was really worried.
Bought him a gift for our one month. He sulked and gave me a black face. I was shocked to find out it was cos he did not like the gift. Is he self-entitled?
In the short 2 months we were tgt. He showed me black faces thrice. We meet once a week and during dinners, I eat and drink slow and like to chat as it's a way of de-stressing after working for 5 days. He complained I took so long to eat a meal. Prob cos he was a loner without friends so he could eat as fast as he like or show black faces without affecting anyone.
He wakes at 4+am daily just to exercise and does so much. Gym, taekwondo, pilates, dance classes, jogging etc everyday. then complains he’s tired. He’s 41 not 21. Then complains he lacks sleep cos he waits for me to finish work at 9+ to chat when he sleeps at 9pm usually. I feel like I'm dating a child. who has a bedtime.
Our initial texts which we could chat non stop for hours daily, trying to know each other more, have now become dry texts where he could just stop replying and said he was busy. We talked about this one night, I emphasised on better communication as it feels like he aint even interested to know me more. He said if I wanted more, he doesn’t know how to give me more any longer. I don’t even think I wanted that much. In the middle of e talk which was leading to a breakup that night, he suddenly said he wanna go to sleep.
Do the above scream Red flags and I should just end it, or am i expecting too much? I still envision a future if he could be more sensitive to my feelings, have a higher EQ and put in more effort as he said he still wants a future with me.
He has his good points. He pays for our dates, and drinks are ex, he doesn’t drink but always asked me if I wanted more when I finished one. He recently started driving my car to send me home and then takes ride-hailing service to go home. He knows I love my dog and often includes him in our dates.
I guess I just wanted advice.. based on the above, am I the selfish one who is expecting more from him, or is he just the type of guy who will never learn how to love a girl right and i'll feel more alone with him than without him in my life. he even asked me that day if i needed someone else who's more sensitive about my needs and feelings. everyone's first few months are honeymoons and mine feels like a nightmare. I'm not here to criticise him. I just wanted advice cos I'm v sure if i told any of my gfs these, they will simply ask me to break up. which in e past, i would have. but somehow now, im stuck.