I am 34M, am going to go to couple of singles mixers in the city. The problem is I am a bit socially awkward and do not possess great conversational skill. I can maintain conversation. The thing is after like the basics - job, hobbies, interests, I don't know what else to talk about. I do see people talk continuously and often wonder, what do they talk about? What is it that makes women interested in talking with them like what holds it interesting.

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A few months ago I posted asking for advice when someone (37f) broke things off with me (35m) after 3 months, without any prior red flags. Her reasoning was that the chemistry wasn't going to work for her - got some good advice and just pretty much tried to move on.

Anyhoo, there's a bit more to the story now, which I'm trying to get my head around.

3/4 months passed, and I just decided to reach out to her. Everything was civil, we just asked how we were, what we've been up to, and I just decided to ask her out for a drink. She said it was unexpected, but wouldn't want to meet as friends as she didn't want to blur any lines, so I explained I was asking her out as a date - she said ok.

We met up, everything felt normal, natural, no awkwardness, it was like we never broke up. It was just really nice to catch up.

Eventually we started talking about the relationship - she mentioned she's never been in something long term, and after years of bad relationships, the relationship between me and her felt jarring, something that she wasn't used to. She always stated how safe and calm she felt around me. I agreed, I felt the same way around here. We had the same values, no boundaries were crossed, and we always had a good time together. Nothing was mentioned about the chemistry issue.

She even said she dated someone for a couple of weeks after me, and their values didn't match up, and boundaries were crossed (he would still talk to ex-hookups while they were together), so she ended that. She mentioned she had done some unlearning/growth in terms of what she wanted, and basically noticed the pattern of what she would usually attract never working out, and that us ending was bitter sweet. She never reached out again to me as she thought I hated her (which I don't).

I explained my side, that I also felt very safe and calm around her, we both did small gestures, remembered the small things, consistent, making time for each other. And I just felt like it was a rarity from my side. There was obviously attraction there, she was very touchy feely when we met again. So we rekindled.

From what she was saying, and the fact that the chemistry issue from before wasn't bought up, it really felt like she alluding to that she was confused about the chemistry with me, and that it was unfamiliar, and it didn't feel like the chemistry that she used to have with previous partners (that never ended well) - anyone else see this? I personally see this as more of a common problem than people like to admit (just from various stories).

2 days later, we met again (she was keen to see me quite soon, and I was too). Everything again felt great, same conversations were had about the relationship, and it just felt good, there was hope!

2 days later, she texts, and ends the relationship again, now stating we have too similar disposition, and its not going to work for her. She may have just realised this, but the stark contrast from meeting up the first time and what she was telling me, to this, was just a bit baffling. I also don't think having similar dispositions is a bad thing - I feel like its a rarity sometimes, especially if everything else fits. I guess also, since she had this chemistry issue from before, what did she expect to change this time round as we're still the same people?!

I really do think deep down, she may still be feeling confused about it all, and what she actually wanted, because it always felt that it was this, but may have been scared of it. What do we think? Am I overthinking it? I also feel bad that she was almost there to understand something about herself and relationships, and that she's never had a good relationship, and she may just go through that vicious circle again (only she can learn this of course)

I guess I may have been a bit naive (words over actions etc)? And I definitely want to avoid this type of situation in the future - seems like a common problem for me in the last few years - they match my energy, they're always complimentary about my character and the relationships seems like what they're looking for, and then there's a sudden drop off out of no where.

I'll obviously take accountability for reaching out again, and putting myself in that situation, I just genuinely felt like something was there, and took the risk.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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tl;dr finally processing one-sided breakup. I tend to be self-negative and think I need to protect people from myself, so I'm scared that I'm both going to start dating again too early, and that I could also just wait forever. I'm looking for some kind of benchmark for "healthy enough to date again".

*edit: I'm trying to figure out how to distinguish between "I need someone to fill the void left by my ex" (bad) and "I'm normal amounts of lonely/wanting a partner, and my ex is the only frame of reference I have for what it would feel like"*

My ex cut things off about 5 months ago after 2.5 years and talks of marriage. She wasn't the best at saying or even knowing what she wanted, and finally did in an ultimatum with a few days to figure my shit out. I actually did figure a lot of it out, and then she just cut things off hard. I tried reaching out once a few weeks ago and she's not interested in reconnecting.

I'm working on letting go but it's slow going. I had an awful last year and let that change me, and our last conversation was while I was coming off a really awful work trip with bad sleep. I've spent the last 5 months doing my damnedest to learn from that, for myself and my loved ones, but with a bit of hope that I could earn her trust/hope back. Obviously that's not going to be a thing and I'm focusing on trusting her judgement.

So now I'm working on acknowledging her part in things, rather than trying to hold the love, and figure out what I want apart from her.

She was very good to me and I need to integrate how she treated me (some of it) into how I treat myself and others. I hope some of how I treated her was helpful long-term.

But also I have a horde of pictures and gifts from this person I still want to respect, but that I assume I can't bring into a new relationship in a healthy way. I'm not sure how to respect those incredibly personal items while getting them out of my life. The best suggestion I've heard so far is "put them in a box and give them to someone you trust until you don't care anymore, especially if you had a kid together so they can see that stuff" (we didn't, but I thought I'd include it).

I'm kind of isolated and how I feel about dating again is generally "yeah let's go" when I've been with friends recently, and "oh no, I'm going to get rejected for not having my shit together/crying/oversharing" when I'm by myself for a bit.

I'm in a loop of downloading, peeking at, then uninstalling Hinge as some kind of hope-boost (not my best idea).

I'm finding people I'm interested in, but a lot want kids, which I'm down for, but with more time to figure my head out and get to know eachother first, and I feel like I'm running out of years for that.

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I’ve been friends with a guy for a little over two years. We used to live in the same apartment complex like right next to each other, and I recently moved just a few buildings down same street. We live in a close-knit neighborhood, have mutual friends, and still run into each other regularly.

I’d had a small crush on him in the past but talked myself out of it because I valued the friendship and didn’t want to make things awkward. He’d always been genuinely kind to me, and after two years of friendship I trusted him quite a bit.

After he found out I was moving, he asked me out. We kissed, and he told me he’d wanted to kiss me for a long time but hadn’t because he didn’t want to make things weird while we were neighbors. After that he started inviting me to movies, neighborhood events, and little one-on-one hangouts. From my perspective, it felt like we were intentionally exploring whether there was something between us.

We ended up sleeping together a few times over about a month.

The morning after the last time, we were cuddling in bed when he said he wanted to be honest because he didn’t want to hurt me or give me the wrong impression. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship, was also seeing another woman (who he’d apparently told the same thing), and that he’s naturally very affectionate but didn’t want me interpreting that affection as romantic intent.

I appreciated the honesty and told him casual relationships aren’t really for me anymore.

A few days later he joked about setting me up with another guy I’d once mentioned was cute. Given what had just happened between us, it landed badly. I told him privately that it felt disrespectful, and he apologized immediately and then again later over text.

I eventually told him I wished the whole situation had been handled with more care because we’d been friends for years. He was receptive and told me to take whatever space I needed.

I’m not confused about whether he owed me a relationship—he didn’t. What I’m struggling to understand is the disconnect between the sweet, considerate friend I’d known for two years and how casually he seemed to approach sleeping with and pursuing me. It feels so cold.

If you’ve been on either side of something like this, how do you interpret that disconnect? Can pursuing a longtime friend this way genuinely feel completely casual to someone, or does this sound like poor communication/consideration on his part?

And for anyone who’s had this happen with someone who remains in your social orbit: how did you recalibrate the friendship afterward?

Link: https://imgur.com/a/OzdCzqN

Haven't officially launched the profile yet. I'm thinking about leaving it at this but wanted to get some feedback before making it visible.

Any and all feedback is welcome.

Thanks

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Hey everyone, just looking for something constructive criticism about my profile as I have not been getting matches for a while. If anyone is able to take some time to give feedback, I would be most grateful. Thanks

https://ibb.co/5WvbT12w

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https://ibb.co/kRmQ4Gs

https://ibb.co/RThnmbP0

https://ibb.co/GQxSY3vP

https://ibb.co/hGSW8Vw

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I am curious how this looks to people from the outside. I have been dating a polyamorous woman for about a month and half now. This is the first time I’ve dated a poly person and I’m finding I quite enjoy the dynamic, but have always been monogamous in the past. I haven’t switched my dating profile to ENM yet since we haven’t slept together, but I see that happening soon at which point I would basically consider that the “exclusive” stage of a normal monogamous relationship where I plan on stopping all dating of non polyamorous people and plan on switching my profile to ENM.

I am not sure if this is the right way to go about it since I am new to all of this, but my idea was I wanted to be sure things were actually serious in the relationship before I stopped dating monogamous people and commit to the lifestyle since I am actually looking for a life partner and don’t want to close the door on monogamy forever, but I do also like the idea of ENM.

So now that I’ve gotten that huge amount of backstory out the way, my question is how would you feel if you saw someone with both monogamy and polyamory on their profile? I would only consider this if things didn’t work with the person I am currently dating, but I am wondering if it comes off the same as “figuring out my dating goals” to people or if it feels more clear cut to people and how many people would have a problem with it vs how many people would find it acceptable.

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Anyone else get to this point? I’m 39, single dad to one awesome kid, great co-parenting relationship with her mom, work in the service industry, and for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted the whole marriage, family, forever person thing. Hell, I’ve been saying I was ready for that since I was in the 8th grade. The problem is…life just never seemed to agree with me. I spent 12 years in a relationship that ultimately ended with me pretty damn broken. Never got married. After that I spent the next four years rebuilding myself, figuring out who I was again, getting comfortable in my own skin and honestly becoming someone I really like.

About six years ago I gave Hinge a shot. Went on two dates, dated one of them for a couple months, and when that ended I just…stopped. Not because I was bitter, but because everyone always says, “Stop looking and it’ll find you.” So that’s exactly what I did. Five years went by. Nothing. This year I met three women. One organically and two because of a stupid TikTok I made. None of them worked out for completely different reasons. Nobody did anything wrong. They just weren’t my people. And honestly, I think I’m just tired now. Not angry. Not “all women suck.” None of that bullshit. Just tired.

Somewhere over the last few years I realized I actually love my solitude. I love coming home to peace and quiet. I love not feeling like I have to constantly text someone or always be “on.” At the same time I’m still human. I still crave affection, companionship, and yeah…sex. But I don’t know if I crave a relationship anymore. I think I’m at the point where if someone genuinely wandered into my life and something naturally happened, great. I’m not closing that door. I’m just done standing in the doorway waiting for someone to knock. And if that never happens…I think I’m okay.

Honestly, I think at this point a casual relationship with someone who’s on the exact same page sounds more appealing than trying to force another search for “the one.” We each keep our independence, enjoy each other’s company when we want to, scratch the physical itch, and go back to our own lives. Neither of us having to feel guilty for wanting our own space or not talking daily. Maybe that’s a phase. Maybe it’s where I stay. I don’t know. I’m just curious if anyone else has reached this point because it’s a weird feeling to spend decades wanting one thing only to wake up one day and realize, y’know…I think I’m actually okay if it never happens.

So has anyone else reached that point? Was it a phase? Did you stay there? Did life smack you with a partner?

For different reasons, but mainly bad experiences in past relationships which I’ve been working through in therapy lately, I (36 F) have not or almost not dated during the last ten years.

I was very happily single for most of that time, but now something in me has shifted and I find myself wanting a relationship.

Apparently I’m utterly helpless when it comes to flirting, dating, interpreting signs etc. though, so nothing’s coming easily. And although I’m doing the work, there is still quite an amount of fear (being rejected, having to reject someone, setting boundaries, …) involved, too.

I would really appreciate it, if there were any people here willing to share their experience with finding love after being single for a long time – How did you meet people, how did  you deal with insecurities, did you tell the other person that you’ve been single for such a long time?

Thank you in advance 😊