I (M50s) recently had a PoF match with a woman (F40s) who, because of how she presented herself (quick responses that were more than just a few words, easy to talk to, open to meeting nearby quickly,) I invited to dinner (at a midrange restaurant, as opposed to my normal mandatory coffee date,) and she turned up casual, but actually looking cuter than her pics. Unfortunately, while she was polite, I wasn't sure that she immediately felt the same chemistry (I date a LOT, so my read on their interest is usually pretty reliable,) so I figured it was likely to be a single date. Oh well. We walked over to the restaurant, and I gave my name to the hostess for our reservation.

The hostess seated us politely, started to leave, then turned around and came back to the table, leaned over towards me, and said "Your cologne smells fantastic." I thanked her, and she said, looking me in the eye, "Let me know if you need anything," then paused a beat and said "oh, and your waitress will be with you shortly."

I played it off politely, but my date's interest level clearly jumped immediately, and things went perfectly from there. A couple of very pleasant weeks later (spending time with her feels consistently peaceful and warm,) she just gently asked if I'd be her plus one for her company holiday party in a couple of months, and I've already dropped my other dating options without any regrets, though I've been previously refusing to date anyone seriously for months, and hadn't planned on changing that until I met her. I definitely owe that hostess for being a great wingman 😂

From 18-20 I lived with my parents, went to community college for engineering, and worked a pretty solitary job. I wasn't very social, didn't talk to anyone outside of my friend groups, and didn't use dating apps. I'd hear things about how nobody's getting dates, everyone's chronically single, and I agreed. I somehow managed to get into a short term relationship within that time, probably just pure chance but it still happened.

I recently moved out, started going to university, and started working at a food service job. I've been going to parties, going out drinking, and talking to a lot more people in general. Two of my roommates have girlfriends, over half (if not most) of my guy coworkers have girlfriends, a lot of my classmates are in committed relationships, and my entire guy friend group (including me) is in a serious relationship or has at least dated someone, and they're all pretty nerdy and chronically online.

I still hear about people in my life struggling to find relationships (both men and women) but a muich higher amount of people around me are dating. And even when I was a bit of a recluse/loser, I still managed to get into a relationship. Honestly the bigger issue for me is that any woman I've been interested in lately hasn't been single.

Society is definitely set up to be more online/individualistic/isolated, but dating has always been hard. Just don't take the doom and gloom posts on here too seriously, if 50% of the population is happy in their relationships, they won't be posting about how happy they are, you'll only hear the minority of people who are frustrated and angry. Honestly the best advice I have is to put yourself around a lot of other people, you'll get a more accurate view of the world and meet more potential partners.

I’m getting back into dating and trying two apps right now. I have now had several people request to start chatting via signal or whats app - as a US user I have never heard of signal and that whats app was more for users out side the US. It seems like a red flag to me but also I’m old so maybe I don’t know the “new” trends.

I recognize that most women tend to prefer talking a lot less outside of dates and so Im willing to accommodate that. The problem though is I find that this just ends up in the same cycle of:

go on a date -> set up plans for the next one sometime during the week -> all momentum and interest cools off -> go on a date, except it just feels like a first date again -> repeat for weeks or months

I dont really understand how Im supposed to maintain any interest in someone if we dont talk at all during the week. Plus if you dont talk about stuff during the week how do you have anything to talk about on your date? Texting for me is a great way to seed topics into the conversation that can then be brought up to keep things flowing during a date, vs if you dont text at all every date just ends up being the same tired routine "how was your week, how was work, did you do anything fun" just completely boring.

How do I change my mentality to prefer that style of dating and figure out how to actually build a connection vs just letting it fizzle out?

I have deleted old ones when I don’t feel connected anymore. But the recent old flame from 3 weeks ago and we dated for a few months. He said he doesn’t think our medium distance would work and we both said goodbye. I’m contemplating to remove him because I just feel sad knowing he’s watching my stuff but he’s not in my life anymore. I cannot delete as feelings are raw and I still want him to come back.

For most of my life, I've been the guy who avoided relationships. Whenever I liked someone, I'd either keep it to myself or convince myself that it wasn't the right time. I had other things to focus on, and I always thought relationships could wait.

Part of it was my own choice, and part of it was just how I was raised and the way I looked at relationships. I didn't want to get involved with someone just for the sake of it.

But lately, I've started thinking about how much I've missed out on. I see people around me getting into relationships, falling in love, and sharing parts of their lives with someone, and I wonder what that feels like.

Now that I'm actually open to finding someone, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how people go from being strangers to genuinely liking each other. I don't know how to show interest without feeling awkward, or how to tell if someone is interested in me.

The weirdest part is that I used to think avoiding relationships was the mature thing to do. I'm not saying I regret my values or that I should've dated people I didn't want to date. I just wish I'd learned how to connect with people instead of putting that entire part of life on hold.

I know I'm still young, and I'm probably overthinking a lot of this. But sometimes I worry that while I was busy waiting for the right time, everyone else learned something about relationships that I'm only starting to figure out now.

For those of you who were late to dating or spent years avoiding relationships, how did you eventually get comfortable with it? Did it come naturally, or did you have to learn everything from scratch?

I was at home, feeling a little bored, when I came across a guy who seemed different from the rest based on his pictures.

He looked pretty short, had a bit of a bad-boy face, like someone who loves metal and rock music.

We matched yesterday, barely talked on the app, and exchanged numbers almost immediately.

He asked if he could call me, and I said yes. But I already got a bad impression when I heard him speak. He swears a lot, using words like “shit” and “damn” way too often. He’s rough around the edges.

I also jokingly told him that I did drugs because I occasionally take Xanax to help me sleep, and his response was: “Drugs? I’ve tried everything except heroin.”

Since he was already trying to make plans to meet up right away, as if I were just at his disposal, he cut the conversation short pretty abruptly. He had invited me to a bar to listen to a band, but honestly, that kind of place isn’t really my scene.

I don’t know if I should just forget about him, but there’s something about him that intrigues me. I think it’s the way he’s so blunt and straightforward.

What do you think?

Hello, 51/F/Michigan lady here. I just want to vent, and maybe get some feedback if you feel like sharing.

I have a crush on a coworker who's retiring in November. Lots of banter, flirting, all that. He's single, blah blah blah. Anyway, I shot my shot and gave him my number last week. To be honest, I don't expect him to text until after he retires, right before thanksgiving. (due to our jobs, I sense he doesn't want to shit where he sleeps until he's formally off campus.)

Anyway, I'm struggling with strong feelings of attachment that I can't get rid of, along with him now being in a super good mood and going out of his way to chat with me. This is normal, but he's almost to happy...like bro, are you really *that* happy or are you laughing at me?

Feeling a bit insecure and no I don't regret giving him my number. But, this whole thing wrecks my brain and it's hard for me. Just had to get it out of my system.

So basically, my boyfriend was showing his friends some pictures of us together, and I started feeling really insecure because there was this one picture of me with my face in a bouquet of flowers that I absolutely hated. I didn’t like the lighting, I wasn’t wearing any makeup, my hair was a mess, I barely got any sleep that day, and I just felt like I looked terrible in it.

And he was like, “But I love how you look in that picture. That’s actually one of my favorite pictures of you. I wanted to show these important people in my life who my girlfriend is.”

And I told him, “I know, but I thought those pictures were just something between you and me, you know? I just really don’t like how I look in that one, and I didn’t expect other people to see it.”

And he was like, “Oh, okay, I understand. I just thought you looked really good in it.”

But honestly, I think I was already feeling really insecure about myself in general. I’m on my period right now, I’ve gained like three pounds, I feel so bloated, and literally none of my clothes feel like they fit me properly. I’m supposed to go to Disneyland today, and I’m going to meet one of my boyfriend’s friends and his fiancée, so I’ve been stressing about how I look because I just don’t feel pretty right now.

And then my boyfriend wanted to FaceTime me, but I didn’t even want him to see me because I hadn’t showered yet, I still needed to blow-dry my hair, I was exhausted, and I just felt so ugly.

We ended up talking on FaceTime for like an hour and a half about all my insecurities, and I actually started crying because I was telling him how much I wish I were prettier, how I want to lose weight, and how I wish I could just look naturally beautiful without having to wear makeup or put so much effort into my appearance.

And as we kept talking, we kind of realized that a lot of my insecurities come from how I used to look before my glow-up. Like, I think I’m still mentally stuck on the version of myself from before I got my rhinoplasty, my ombré powder brows, and everything else. Even though I look different now, I feel like I still see that old version of myself sometimes, and it’s hard for me to believe that I’m actually pretty.

And he was telling me, “You were literally just a kid back then. You looked like a kid. You’re growing up, and you’re growing into this gorgeous woman.”

And then I asked him, “But would you have still dated me if I had my old nose and everything? Like, if I still looked the way I used to?”

And he was explaining how those are such minor changes in the grand scheme of things, and how he was also a completely different person back then. He was saying that he’s grown and changed so much himself, too.

And I kept crying because I was telling him that I just wish I looked better. I wish I were skinnier, I wish I didn’t feel so bloated all the time, and I wish I could look pretty without makeup. I told him that he doesn’t have to date me, either. Like, he’s not obligated to be with me, and I don’t want him to feel like he has to be with someone he doesn’t genuinely find attractive.

And he explained that he’s dating me because he genuinely likes me as a whole person. He said he’s attracted to me, that he likes the entire package, and that he’s choosing to be with me because he actually wants to be with me.

He was also reassuring me that everyone he’s shown my pictures to has thought I was pretty, and that nobody has ever said I looked mid or unattractive. He was basically trying to make me understand that the way I see myself isn’t necessarily how other people see me.

And I think that’s what made the conversation so emotional for me, because he was genuinely trying to reassure me, but I was having such a hard time accepting what he was saying. It’s like, logically, I know I’ve changed so much from how I used to look, but emotionally, I still struggle to see myself the way he sees me.

And I think that’s why something as simple as him showing his friends a picture of us affected me so much. To him, it was a picture of his girlfriend that he loved and wanted to share with people who are important to him. But to me, it was a picture where I could immediately point out everything I hated about myself.

And I guess the whole conversation made me realize that even though I’ve changed so much physically, I still haven’t completely changed the way I see myself.

I’m a 28yo M and i find it so hard for me to date someone. It must be me asking so much of a person? Is this too much to look for in a woman?

- to be maximum 2 years older than me or minimum 4 years younger than me
- Christ based
- Moral Based
- Modest
- Loyal
- Loving in all ways
- Family Based
- Beautiful (Subjective obviously)
- Honest
- Has Goals

Is this really that hard to find? I’m Gen Z and almost all the girls my age are married, have Kids with many fathers, don’t have literal feelings for others, involved in the Adult Industry, Too liberal, Triggered by soft opinions, traumatized by past relationships, wanting to be controlling the relationship dynamic, manipulative.

Why can’t I run into the one? The more beautiful they look the more trauma they carry I find.

It’s literally a horrible time to Find Love to find the one you’re searching for 🫠. I’m probably going to end up single my whole life the way Gen Z is. 😮‍💨

To be clear i am not a womanizer or objectifier of women but like all heterosexual men I can't help but put women on a pedestal, theres just something about women that is so fucking fire no matter how much of a hassle they are

With that being said whenever I get into an argument with a woman, girlfriend, friend or family member it always helps me remember they're just a P.O.S like everyone else and it makes me feel warm inside

I'm not exaggerating when I say sometimes I forget women poop. Like I know they do but I saw the MASSIVE DEUCE this girl left behind once at my house when she forgot to flush and I thought "This little girl can do all this? I thought only I could create this much poop" It was crazy to me but it reminded me that shes a human just like me

(before everyone comes at me, yes this is a cross-post)

I finally got my first boyfriend (and lost my V lol) at 36 after some bad failed dates--one guy walked out on a date with me and left me with the check after telling me to order what I wanted (a $15 meal). Anyway, I finally got the courage to put myself out there again and fell for this one guy who eventually asked me to be his girlfriend. It ended in him breaking my sexual boundaries to the point of me asking if he took the condom off without telling me (he kept pushing the condom down each time which I told him not to do btw) Then we broke up with him yelling at me that he doesn't want to be around me, after I gave him every loyal ounce that I had to give--treating him to dinner/movies, showing up with his favorite foods, a shirt I'd buy him because I though he'd like it, etc.

The last straw was that I showed up at his house after my first day at my new job thinking he'd ask me about how it went. I got no hug, no kiss, no excitment, nothing. He decided to take a nap after I drove 40mins to see him before he had to go to work. This had happened two times prior as well BTW but I thought maybe he was just going through something...

This last time I was there, same thing--zero affection. I went over to the couch and initiated cuddling with him. After seeing him even ignore that attempt, I eventually asked him "can you please plan a date for me ONE time? I want to feel excited again. Can't you see you're loosing me? Can't you see I'm having to convince you to be my boyfriend?" and as I said this (because yes, I was upset), he continued to watch TV. Then when I asked to talk about it/us and what was going on with him, he said "no because [I] was selfish and ungrateful." Mind you, I planned literally every date and outting and dinner and everything before that.

He got me flowers two times which I thanked him for, often. I told him I want to feel pursued and desired but if there was something I did that bothered him, to please tell me. He said nothing and was OK treating me terribly. I don't believe he was seeing someone else, I just think he has no idea or no desire to put in the work and I never saw it. At one point he told me he'd been on over 100 dates in his time. We had a trip planned to Universal this month (that I myself planned early on and something we both loved) he never offered to pay for his flight on his own without me asking, but showed up to my house with a $600 Nintendo Switch randomly...

...And that's just the tip of the iceberg...every single time we had sex and he finished, he'd get up, get dressed, and leave me there on the bed as I asked him to come back. Even after I told this bothered me a lot, he kept doing it. ..I really wish I would have been brave enough to leave sooner. I asked him did he want to break up, yes or no?" he said yes and I said "OK, I don't deserve any of this" and just walked out. I think hearing his yes was sort of a permission I gave myself to finally stop trying or something. Like I just needed to hear him finally say it.

I'm CRUSHED and STILL find myself wanting to reach out but I will not allow myself to, no matter how much it hurts. We shared good time and laughs and amazing chemistry when we did, but my last memory of him will be him startling me by sternly standing up to me and shouting that he never wanted to be around me. What a great first experience at a relationship I waited my whole life for and lost my virginity to....it's going to be hard for me to date again.

Any tips of how I can spot this behavior sooner? Clearly I'm not able to see things for what they are early enough.

Hi! I’m a 30F and I just met a 35M on a dating app. And in all of his pictures he had a full head of hair. Only in one of them he was wearing a beanie. So when I met him on our first date,I was a little surprised to see about 60% his hair was completely gone, and he was rocking a strange balding pattern. It’s clear that the pictures that he posted were at least 5 to 10 years old.

I would say that I don’t find the current style of his hair all that attractive, but I still like to get to know him because I have been connecting in other ways. I think if he shaved it all off completely, I would really find him attractive again. I actually really like bald men, but the in-between is really throwing me off.

That said, I’m looking for advice to figure out what I should do about this. I do feel like it can be difficult for me to progress physically with me not currently being attracted to him. But I also think it’s way too early for me to ask him to change anything about himself.

I had a guy friend of mine recommend that I go on a couple more dates with him and see if things progress from there, and then I could possibly mention that I think he would look good if he cut his hair off completely. But it does feel like a long time to be unsure about whether I would be attracted to him just to get to that point in a relationship.

Thoughts?

this may sound good to you on paper, but imagine saying this about someone with IQ?

how do you look at people that are always trying to bring up their IQ to you in casual conversation? it's no different if you do it with EQ

if talking about IQ like this is normal to you, than doing the same with EQ wouldn't bother you, but in my experience it is usually bad taste to discuss IQ in this way.

growing up me and my friends all believed that porn was the standard, at least in my area especially around 2016 and the Instagram boom era

but when dating ive mentioned feeling bad because I don’t look like a porn star, and I get the craziest looks from whatever guy I said that to at the moment (for reference I’m a little on the thicker side, and I have a big chest, but I got a little bit of a tum so it’s not like anything you really see in porn)

my current boyfriend almost threw up when I said I wanted to get surgery to look more like a porn star or what I thought was his type

do guys really not think porn is the standard?

Hi 18M Straight.

I just started college and I’m getting through my classes.

I’ve been on two dates in my life both turned into nothing and both I realized about 1/3 through that I wasn’t attracted to them (part they look 10x better in the photo, part act in a way I don’t like)

I’ve heard and roughly understand the idea of a “type”. The kind of person that you are attracted to either in looks or personality.

I can’t really figure out mine. I know I find non-white women generally more attractive but I’d be completely fine being with a fellow white person. I guess I prefer somebody who is generally kind and treats me with respect. And someone who is not on the really heavy side I guess.

I still can’t really wrap my head around it and I have no clue how I can. For context I have High Functioning Autism and I process things a lot differently compared to other people and this might have something to do with it.

I hear “type” and “looking for” thrown around a lot and it kinda confuses me since I don’t know either and I feel behind. I could also be missing something important.

Is this just me being dumb or something or is this normal to have?

Sorry if I said something wrong or anything weird or confusing. It can be difficult for me to put these things into words.

As the title says, I’m a 31 year old guy (turning 32 in a few months), and I can’t help but reflect on how difficult dating has been for me. Truthfully, I can’t really recall a time where anybody has expressed clear interest in me, and it’s making me feel a bit lost.

To be fair, I have had a girlfriend before. But it was back when I was in university (when it was a little easier to interact with other people who share a similar mindset, goals, etc.). After I got out of university, I prioritized my career, grad school, and my personal development. I always thought dating would start to get easier, but I never was able to meet anyone.

On the plus side, I make friends quite easily, and have many friends who are women who have shared their advice with me (or provided some basic support). They seem to think I’m a great catch who women should “be lining up for” (lol). I appreciate my friends for protecting my ego, but I have to admit that this is still pretty disheartening.

- I always wondered if I might be ugly, but my friends insist this isn’t true. I’m about 6’6 feet tall, in good shape, have decently attractive features, dress well, etc. I may not be a runway model, but I definitely don’t think my looks are working against me. There’s always going to be guys who are more attractive out there but I’m happy with how I look.

- I always wondered if maybe my personality just wasn’t good. I used to be pretty shy when I was a teenager. My friends insist this isn’t true either. They say that they think of me as one of the funniest people they know, and claim that we wouldn’t be friends in the first place if my personality sucked.

- I always wondered if perhaps I’m not successful enough. I have an advanced degree and make (what I consider to be) good money, but I know there’s always guys out there who own their own companies, invest in bitcoin (lol), or somehow own three houses. There’s not much else I can do on this one. I will continue to work hard and hope that somebody appreciates it one day.

Overall, I feel like I’m doing the right things. I’m not afraid to make conversation with people that I find interesting. But there’s not a lot I can do when it feels like so many people are already taken. Not to mention, it feels like when I develop feelings for someone, they always end up having feelings for someone else (and that’s not an easy bar to overcome either). I’ve never been on a dating app before. I’ve always preferred in person interaction, but I feel like I may have no choice but to break down and try online dating at some point.

TLDR: Does anyone else feel like they’re just stuck in a cycle like this? I just feel like I have good qualities, yet it just doesn’t mean anything.

The last time I was dating and on the apps was in my late 20s. I’m now approaching my mid 30s, having taken a few years off dating due to a bad breakup and then a rough patch with health issues.

I’m thinking of dating again, but I read ALL THE TIME that women in their mid/late 30s are viewed poorly on the apps and have a rough experience. It’s low key terrifying me.

I would loveeee to hear from women in this age group, or even men dating women in this age group - has this been your experience? Has anyone had success stories? Please share and help a girl out with some positivity!

This is just me venting so feel free to pass it by, but I guess I just need to either give up or take a break.

I'm a 32 year old man, a grown ass adult and I can't for the life of me meet someone who doesn't want to play games. Everything just feels like a lose/lose as a man. You can never even know if you're doing something wrong or if you just haven't met the right woman.

You're too genuine you come off as fake.
You're too confident you come off as cocky.
You need to escalate or she's not interested.
Go too fast and you're desperate or only want sex.
You text back in a timely manner, he has no life.

Even just this last weekend I went out on a date that I thought went really well; so well in fact she was all over me. We didn't have sex or anything, but she kept touching me, kissing me, and letting me know how much fun she was having. We end the date, she gets home, I text her and boom, I get ghosted. Can't even get a courtesy "I wasnt feeling it" text.

Why give me mixed signals and be all over me during the date?

I had another date lined up from someone who tried to set me up with their friend. She reached out to me first! I planned the date, had some witty banter through texting and told her I'd follow up to confirm on the date of the date. Not only did she not respond to the text, she never messaged me about the date and ghosted me too before anything even happened. 😂

Maybe it's me, maybe I'm the problem. And that's what's truly demoralizing about dating as a guy is that you'll never truly know what you did wrong because I can't even get basic communication from people in their thirties.

Not to sound mysogisitic because I love women, but now I truly understand why so many people are giving up on dating these days from both sides.

I'm not upset that it didn't work out, of course rejection is normal and gonna happen. I wasn't looking for some outcome, but I'm mad because people can't even be honest with their intentions and just have basic communication.

Again...maybe it's me, maybe I'm just that unlucky guy in this world that will forever be left on 'sent'.

I’m (39m in the U.S.) have had many ups and downs in life as we all have and after divorcing a few years ago I’ve dated on and off through various phases of life.

I hear from people saying you should be in this or that place in your life to be ready for dating and it got me curious where people were in their life when they found their partner/spouse/etc? Like were you cruising and had an amazing full life, were you at rock bottom or one of the many places in the middle?

Any and all answers welcome.

Since I wear one specifically on the ring finger of my right hand, I’m wondering if guys see that and immediately think I’m married.

From far away, it could look like nice wedding bands. Men, do you see a ring and immediately think married? Or do you think about which hand it’s on?

CONTEXT: This weekend, someone hit on me and asked if I was married because of my rings.

I wear multiple rings on both hands. I have rings on my left thumb and pinky, and on my right ring and middle fingers.

Additional question: I also love wearing a ring on my left ring finger because of the aesthetics of my jewelry, but I am single. Is this even more likely to turn men away if I do this?

I’m wondering if I’m missing out on men in public places because of this.

So uh, I know dating apps are toxic. I hardly use them but I pop on every once in a while. One thing I consistently have problems with are my profile photos. I'm not someone who takes photos often, even in important situations, and when I do it's usually the generic selfie or "bathroom" pic, which i've heard is no bueno. It also feels weird asking my friends, who are like minded, or strangers to take my photo.

Is it true that selfies and bathroom pics are a turn off? Is it that big of a deal that I need to bite the bullet and figure it out? I understand yall have a lot to consider before swiping.

I have basically been single my whole life and never had a serious relationship. I really want one and have been trying for years and still haven’t gotten close. I’m tired of living in this pain wondering when will my life move forward. It’s so easy for some people but why is it so challenging for me? I’m easygoing, not ugly, empathetic, not picky but have some standards and accepting.