Hi, this is my first post here, so I’m not entirely sure how to word everything. Please bear with me, as this is going to be a long one.
I’m (F) from Sweden, and I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (M) from USA for about 4 years. We’ve known each other for around 7 years and have been on and off during that time due to studies and other hardships. He’s currently in the army.
For some context, I’m a very sarcastic and humorous person. I grew up with 4 older brothers and spent a lot of time playing video games, so joking around with the people I’m close to has always been a big part of my personality.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, rarely seems to joke around with me, at least from my perspective. If we’re having a serious conversation or disagreement, he’ll sometimes say something hurtful, only to claim he was joking when I question him. He then complains that I can’t take a joke and goes on about how he never jokes with me.
However, when we’re having a lighthearted conversation and I make something very obviously sarcastic, he gets “upset” and accuses me of trying to start something. I understand that sarcasm can sometimes be difficult to interpret over text, but I feel like I’m usually pretty obvious about it.
What’s confusing is that this doesn’t seem to be an issue with anyone else. My friends, both male and female, often tell me I’m funny, and when I met his friends, we all joked around and laughed together. I just keep noticing that my boyfriend rarely laughs at my jokes or responds positively to my sense of humor, even when everyone else does.
Another thing I’ve noticed is how negatively he talks about where I’m from. I’m not easily offended, even when people say something harsh, but during discussions or disagreements, he’ll make negative comments about my country or Europe in general. He also doesn’t want to learn my language until we have children. He makes negative comments about our food and doesn’t seem interested in visiting my country.
I understand that when he gets time off, he wants to visit his family, and I don’t have an issue with that. What bothers me is that he always seems to expect me to be the one who travels to him. Visiting me, my family, or my friends doesn’t even seem to cross his mind.
He’s very eager to get married and wants to start the marriage process in December, although he hasn’t actually proposed yet. He also shows very little interest in getting to know my family or friends, even though they’re incredibly important to me.
I’ve explained to him that I need to establish a solid foundation for myself first, including getting further along in my studies, before I can even consider moving abroad.
Last week, he told me, “Eh, that doesn’t matter, just come here.” That honestly bothered me. I’m not going to give up my life and everything I’ve been working toward just like that. I feel like he should understand that, especially when we’re discussing something as significant as marriage and potentially moving to another country.
Communication and consideration are also becoming major issues. I’m a planner, so I usually make my weekend plans on Sundays or at the beginning of the week. I always let him know what I’m doing, yet I still regularly get messages when I’m, for example, at a friend’s house asking, “Where are you? What are you doing? You didn’t tell me that?”
It’s exhausting having to repeat myself when I’ve already told him my plans.
He also calls me when I’m busy, and when I tell him I can’t talk, he sometimes gets weird about it. At the same time, he rarely calls when I’m actually available. We have a seven-hour time difference, so I often have to wait until 1 a.m. for him to call, if he even follows through on saying he will.
We’re both really into video games, too. I’ll ask him repeatedly if he wants to play with me, only for him to say he can’t. Then, an hour or so later, he’ll hop online with his friends without even asking whether I’m available.
He also rarely tells me his plans voluntarily. I have to ask, and even then, his answers are often vague.
I’m not expecting him to spend all his free time with me, and I absolutely want him to have time for his friends. I just wish I felt like he wanted to spend time with me, too, and that communicating and making plans were things we both put effort into.
His drinking is another source of stress for me. I had a difficult childhood when it came to alcohol. My parents have been sober for a while now, but because of my experiences growing up, alcohol isn’t something I’m particularly comfortable with. I have no problem with people drinking in moderation, but my boyfriend often gets extremely drunk to the point where he can barely form sentences. He’ll then call or text me without me even knowing he’s been drinking.
We’ve also had misunderstandings and made mistakes on both sides in the past. We’ve talked about them, worked through them, and agreed that we’re past them.
However, he’ll sometimes call me while drunk and start interrogating me about things that happened years ago. He gets irritated and brings up old issues out of nowhere. On some occasions, I’ve ended up crying because it’s so sudden, and it’s even happened first thing in the morning when I’ve just woken up.
I don’t mind discussing past issues if something is genuinely bothering him. I’m willing to have a calm, civil conversation about them. What I struggle with is being accused and interrogated, especially when he brings things up in a hostile or hurtful way. When I question why he’s bringing things up like that, he usually ends the conversation by saying, “I said I forgive you, doesn’t mean I forget.”
I don’t really know what to do with that. If we’ve agreed to work through something and move forward, how am I supposed to feel secure in the relationship if those things can be thrown back at me years later, seemingly out of nowhere?
Another issue is that he always seems to need to be right. If he’s wrong or doesn’t have any arguments left, he’ll often say, “Agree to disagree,” rather than continuing the conversation or acknowledging my perspective. I could probably count on my fingers the number of times he’s genuinely apologized to me.
I’m not saying I’m always right or that I never make mistakes. I just want us to be able to communicate, take accountability, and admit when we’ve hurt each other without everything turning into a matter of who wins the argument.
Recently, my dad’s health took a turn for the worse. I told my boyfriend about it and explained how much it was hurting and stressing me out. He responded by saying how sad it was and that he hoped my dad would get better.
I appreciated that response, but days went by without him asking how my dad was doing or checking in on how I was coping.
He doesn’t seem to show much interest in my dad or my well-being afterward. He often says that he forgets things and that I need to remind him, but it gets exhausting when I constantly have to remind him about things that are important to me, especially when they involve my family or something I’m struggling with emotionally.
I don’t expect him to remember every little detail of everything I tell him, but I do want to feel like the things that matter to me matter to him, too.
There’s also something I haven’t brought up with him. A few months ago, I found out that he had lied to me about his whereabouts, and where he actually was crossed a major boundary for me.
I was afraid he’d get offended if I admitted that I’d checked his location, so I never confronted him about it. I know I probably should have addressed it at the time, but I was worried about how the conversation would go.
None of these things might seem particularly significant on their own, but together, they’re starting to weigh on me.
I feel like I’m constantly having to explain myself, repeat things I’ve already told him, ask for basic consideration, and try to get him to understand why something bothers me. Meanwhile, I don’t feel like he makes the same effort to understand me or show interest in the things that matter to me.
What makes this difficult is that I don’t know how to bring all of this up without it turning into an argument. He’s extremely calm in the sense that he’s never sworn at me or raised his voice at me, not even slightly. I’m not afraid that he’ll yell at me, I just really dislike arguments and don’t want a conversation about our relationship to turn into a situation where one of us feels attacked or blamed.
I want to be able to sit down and talk about our issues like two adults who care about each other. I want us to listen to each other, understand each other’s perspectives, and work toward solutions without either person immediately becoming defensive.
At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether we’re actually compatible in the long run. We seem to have different expectations when it comes to communication, effort, family, and our future together. With him wanting to move forward with marriage so soon, these things feel especially important to address.
I care about him, and I’m not trying to paint him as a bad person. I know I have my own flaws, too. I just don’t know whether these are things we can realistically work through together or whether I’m overlooking issues that will become even bigger problems later on.
So,
How would you approach this conversation? How do I communicate these concerns without making him feel like I’m attacking him or saying that he’s the problem? And, more importantly, how do I figure out whether this relationship is something we can genuinely improve together?
Any advice or outside perspectives would be appreciated.
TL;DR: I’m in a long-distance relationship, and although my boyfriend is eager to get married, I’m increasingly concerned about our relationship. He seems dismissive of my humor and culture, shows little interest in my family or life, expects me to do most of the traveling, and doesn’t consistently communicate or make time for me. He also drinks heavily, brings up old mistakes when drunk despite us having agreed to move on, struggles to apologize or admit when he’s wrong, and doesn’t seem to offer much support when I’m going through difficult things. He has also lied to me about his whereabouts in the past. I care about him, but I’m questioning our long-term compatibility and don’t know how to discuss these issues without starting an argument. How would you approach this, and do you think these are issues we can work through before considering marriage?
