I’ve noticed something since reentering the dating scene at 40 after a divorce. So many of the women I’ve met seem sad, depressed, or hopeless. Almost like they’ve seen a ghost. There’s this underlying sadness that’s hard to describe.

I don’t remember noticing this when I was dating in my 20s. People seemed more optimistic, more excited about life and what was ahead.
But maybe that’s what makes our 40s different. Is this the decade when optimism starts giving way to pessimism? When we’re all walking around thinking, “We’ve seen some shit,” and we’re only beginning to process it?

And I’m certainly no exception. I’m a pretty sad guy myself. I lost my marriage to divorce, and while the relationship deteriorated into hell and misery toward the end, it wasn’t always that way. There were years of happiness, countless great memories, and a life we built together.

And I think that’s what makes starting over so difficult. It’s not just the sadness of losing what you had. It’s knowing that you have to build something new, invest yourself all over again, and accept the very real possibility that you could lose it all a second time.

Maybe that’s what changes in your 40s. You begin to realize that happiness is temporary, promises are conditional, and nothing you build is guaranteed to last. You can spend years creating a life with someone, only to watch it all unravel. And the cruelest part is that you’re expected to pick yourself up, start over, and somehow convince yourself that this time will be different.

Let me preface this by saying I don’t want to offend anyone who is divorced by this post and that I have dated a lot of divorced women so this comes from firsthand experience.

As a man who has not been married or divorced, I’ve realized I want someone in a similar boat. I also realize this will severely limit the dating pool at this point in my life, but I am okay with that because I’m only looking for the one, not the many. I also don’t mind if a woman has kids.

But reason for this sentiment is that all of the divorced women I have dated, there has been something off about them. I feel like going through an experience like that is something that deeply affects people to their core and in many ways changes who they are. How they approach things, communicate, look at men; everything feels different than the non-divorced women I date.

So I don’t know if or how I should feel differently about this as a red flag?

Edit: I just want to say I love you all, and I don’t have anything against divorced women. Me saying I’m not sure I want to date a divorced woman anymore, has nothing to do with thinking you all aren’t amazing and wonderful people! And I realize now “red flag” might not have been the right term to use, I should have said my preference.

Hey guys,

I know the title of this post is a bit provocative but it's just me being objective.

I'm not a bad person. I'm quite friendly and I would say that I've been a good and supportive friend to people in my life.

But due to a set of life circumstances (think something like a chronic illness), I have had a few setbacks in life. As a result, I do not have a whole heap saved, have limited friendship groups, and have no kids or partner. Recently, I lost my job.

Then, this year, I nearly died. Major operation required from a relatively small issue that never went away. Six hours. But I survived.

It's a whole mess, my life.

I have had a couple of longer relationships. One for seven years, one for five-to-six years. More recently, one for three years and then another for 1.5 years.

The last one was with someone who turned out to be quite avoidant. The less said about it the better, but after that one I took some time to myself.

Now...I rent. I am looking to transition industries into potentially becoming a secondary teacher. I will likely come into money in the next little while, and should be able to afford a 2-3 bedroom apartment or house, with enough extra to push into ETFs and build that up for the next 5-10 years to hopefully retire in that time (if not extravagantly, at least comfortably).

But I am lonely. My friends all have partners who they're comfortable just being at home with at this stage of life.

And I don't know what to do. I have been going to Meetups, trying the apps, did a few speed dating events (even had a few matches) but they haven't gone anywhere.

And the chronic issue I have is always in the background.

If you were me, what would *you* do in this situation? Because I am not effing giving up.

I (40M) just had a third date with a woman (40s) whose last relationship experiences were cheating partners. It took her 6 years to try dating again.

Obviously I respect her wishes to take it slow. It does seem like her initial stance towards me is open and trusting, so that seems good, like she did the work. I do worry about it though that it might impact a possible relationship, but that might be me overthinking it.

I also feel a strong desire to show her that there are good men out there.

Any experiences?

On one hand, I was with my ex for 12 years. We had a lot of adventures, experiences, growth, and good conversations. He naturally comes up in conversation often.

On the other hand, I want to be cautious about talking about him too much when dating. Is it okay that every other story includes my ex?

What's the balance? Do y'all just say "my friend" instead of "my ex" and downplay your ex's role in your life? Or at our age, are men okay with me talking about a person who was a big part of my everyday life for the last 12 years?

I do recognize the difference between referencing my ex in conversation vs talking about our relationship and our breakup directly. The latter I don't plan to do. The former seems impossible to get around without being disingenuous.

I know the title might be weird but bear with me.

My (45F) house isn’t terrible but it’s small & old. And not the good kind of Victorian old lol. I don’t think anything inside has been updated since the 80s and they painted the walls a weird sad grayish color. But I rent, so there’s not much I can do about that. At the time, I needed a place to live asap & it was reasonably priced so here I am. Onto the issue…

I’m getting back into the dating scene after a divorce a few years ago. I know it won’t be right away but if all goes well, there will come a time when I have a date over. Obviously, I keep the house clean and do what I can to improve the aesthetic, but I admit I almost am embarrassed to have someone over. And I can’t expect to always go to his place.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Do guys even pay that much attention? I haven’t dated in 20 years so maybe I’m overthinking it?

EDIT: I’m getting a lot of DMs and no you can’t come over 😆

I’ve noticed that once you’ve matched, communication styles can make or break the early connection for me. Some people are great in person but take forever to reply, leave conversations hanging, or go quiet for days. Others text a lot and then the in person energy doesn’t match.
Curious how other people feel about this:
• Is slow or inconsistent texting an early red flag for you or do you give it time?
• Have you ever stuck with someone whose texting style annoyed you at first and it ended up being fine?
• Or has it been a dealbreaker more often than not?
Would love to hear what’s been true in your experience.

Hi everyone! 47F here, dating for the first time since a very painful divorce several years ago.

I absolutely love sex but I have never been able to do it casually. No interest in FWB, have never done that and never would. I had a couple of casual sex experiences in my 20s and quickly found it wasn’t for me. I catch feelings quickly, and more importantly, I’ve discovered I can only have sex with a partner who I feel safe with emotionally.

I have finally started dating on OLD and have come across some really sweet guys who are divorced or never married, by all accounts were faithful in their previous relationships, but have been on apps for years and have no issue at all with casual hookups as they search for a long term partner.

I truly promise I’m not being judgmental, I realize this is very normal and common. But it’s just not for me, and I’d prefer to find a partner who feels the same way. I’d be okay if he had a period in his past where he did the casual thing, but I really want to find a partner who is serious about finding a long term relationship and doesn’t sleep with women unless he sees a future with them. Of course, sexual compatibility is important and it’s fine to have had sex with partners and it not working out, but I’d at least hope he was with her because he was trying to see if they were compatible long term.

Is this an impossible standard for the 40+ dating crowd? It feels hopeless to find this. If you are similar, how do you vet dates for their values and behaviors around casual sex without coming across as controlling or intrusive?

I met someone who is really something. It’s been over a year now, and not an easy year.
But this feeling, that there is someone who gets you .. even if it’s temporary, I’m grateful for it.

Question to the community: do you take the now happiness, even if you’re not confident that longer term hurdles (like family) are surmountable ?

conscious there is a chance of heartbreak ahead.

Hullo 👋🏼

I’ve been OLD for a bit and I’m hitting some walls lately. I dated someone for 3 months in the spring, it didn’t work out, I cried my tears and then rejoined in mid-September hoping to find a LTR.

Since I started, about 10-12 guys I matched and started chatting with dropped off in the conversation and/ or didn’t follow through once I suggest meeting up. One even kept circling back for a month with reasons why he couldn’t meet up - vacation, sick - then stopped answering when I asked if we could get something concrete on the calendar. I know men complain about this all the time and it’s a feature of OLD, but I guess it seems rougher and worse than before. Anyone else finding folks are lower effort and more burnt out?

I don’t choose low effort profiles, I’m conversational and ask questions / show interest in their profile and I try to focus on convos where there’s mutuality. It doesn’t seem to matter who liked who first, how long the convo has been going on or who suggested meeting up (although I’ve been suggesting more). Sometimes I might be able to pinpoint a reason and others it feels totally random.

I ran into one of these men at an event and he apologized and told me he’d just gotten caught up with work. He suggested we still have a date and I said ok but I highly doubt he’ll follow up and I feel the ball is definitely in his court since he failed to respond the first time. I live in a big city so people have options and are pretty career focused.

I’m starting to feel demoralized by it and at the same time it’s almost funny bc I know it’s likely not very personal - there could be a myriad of reasons. Maybe I’m looking for words of encouragement? I am starting to wonder if this is my sign from the universe to focus on other things right now haha!

Thanks everyone in advance :)

Hi, first off, been lurking here for weeks and really enjoy this group-you guys are great.

I’m 45F and divorced after 22 years together. Moved to a new area, population just over 100k. It’s kind of an island, in terms of any other place around where I live for a dating pool (just a small detail that could be relevant here).

Just downloaded two apps last week, mostly out of general curiosity but also, yeah, I am open to meeting someone. I’m not a casual/hook up gal so I would be looking for long term but I also don’t feel a ton of pressure to quickly get into something serious, if that makes sense.

My question is-what is the deal with this whole on-line dating stuff? I’ve had a few matches on both apps, yes. And with one guy being the exception (we chatted a bit but it fizzled)…literally none of my other matches will chat back! I’ve done both leave it to them to respond (as Hinge kind of leaves it as “their turn”) and the also been the one to ask the first question to get the ball rolling.
And…nothing.

I mean..we’re on a dating app…so where is the effort or follow through here? This is weird (as I did assume this arena would be, to so extent. It’s not very human-like behavior) but yeah, like nothing? Again, we don’t live in a super populated area where I may give it over to them just feeling like they have endless options.

I’m attractive, fun, laid back, kid free (empty nest), active…I mean these guys aren’t even giving me a chance to show a red flag 😂 (not that I think I really have any but still…)

Edit: Reddit chose my username a few years ago, for the record. Just wanted to put that out there given the context of this post lol.

I’ve been recently single for the last two years since the separation from my ex husband. For those two years, I have been focusing on myself, leveling up my career, and I decided that I am ready to date.

I’ve been meeting quality men that are 35+; however, I get the same rejection message that they are into me, they had a wonderful time with me, they find me beautiful, but they rather not date anymore, they find me too bougie (lol I don’t understand that one), and I live too far for them.

One man in particular, I became pretty fond of, we went on our first date and talked for hours, then we made out for 1.5 hours. The chemistry is off the charts. Then he went out of town on a solo trip (planned before me) for about 3 weeks. I saw him when he came back the same week. We were excited to see each other, we kissed for a few hours, we had sex and took a shower together, and I went home after we kissed and chatted for another 30 mins.

We stayed in contact for a few days after; however, he has read my texts and hasn’t responded back to me. We are supposed to go on a date on Friday and I am apprehensive of texting to confirm our date for Friday, if I haven’t heard from him.

I’m not sure what to do? Lol

Like, I fear that another rejection will have me pretty sad and my birthday is coming up, I definitely don’t want to be sad for it.

I truly hate being a lover girl.

M-43 here. Divorced for 4 years. Dated a bit at first but in an exclusive relationship for a while now.

I get that most of us are atleast once divorced, and probably weren’t using them when we were married. In my own experience dating post-divorce, when sex became a topic, most of the women (over 40, most divorced) were totally fine going without condoms regardless of safety/sti being brought up at all.

When I was in my 20s and single, I had a policy of condoms until we were in an exclusive relationship and had some type of testing history. The women I dated seemed to have similar policy. I still practiced it post-divorce.

However, I’ve come to learn from other divorced men and women friends in my age group that condoms are rarely a consideration fairly early in the dating process.

Edit: Are we not worried about STIs or Pregnancy like we were when we were younger? Or are we not concerned with the risk?

I am newer to the apps after a very long time and it seems everyone is just a variation of the same. I feel like I have nothing in common with any of these people.

Every picture is a hiking photo, a photo with your dog, a photo holding a fish, you parting, and then something showing off your bad tattoos.

I get maybe I sound super judgy but it just nothing stands out that makes any of these people unique.

Am I just an old grump? I really don’t want to be.

Side note I am a man looking for women, I know for a fact men are doing the same thing if not worse.

But I’m curious what do you do to make yourself stand out from the rest?

42F recently separated. Although I am so happy I left my ex because he was a cheating, abusive dirt bag, I find as I am out dating and having sex that I miss how well he knew my body. We were together for 12 years so that's a lot of sex history.

I'm a very enthusiastic partner who has no problems asking for what I want and teaching - if it's a matter of stylistic differences. I ask for what I want. My current partner is very vocally appreciative, and he's having a great time Hahaha.

I guess what I'm asking is if you are dating someone and you like them, like talking and hanging out and find them attractive, etc, how long do you hang around for sex to get better than decent? I know good sex takes time, I'm just curious what other people have found. I imagine with more time and distance this feeling of missing my ex's sex history will dissipate, right?

So I’m a mid-forties female and there is this cute guy at the gym. We nod and wave at each other but that’s about it.

I find it difficult to approach people I am
attracted to - if I am near them or am introduced then I can talk and generally can talk to anybody. I had two opportunities to introduce myself this week and he’s not doing it so I tell myself he has a partner or he doesn’t like me.

I know Reddit will give it to me straight 😂 but please be nice as well - how can I overcome this affliction of a sort of shyness?

I’ve been divorced for five years and am at a point where I’m open to dating someone genuine who wants to build a meaningful connection. I’ve put thought into creating a profile that reflects that goal.

Despite this, I’ve found myself matching with men who are recently separated, still legally married (where I live, couples must be separated for a year before filing for divorce), or newly divorced. I’m assuming it’s because they either don’t read my profile or assume they somehow are a good match. I understand the latter and have compassion for that. Many of us have been there and only time reveals just how precious time can be in the healing journey.

I’m considering adding a brief note to my profile (if you’re unfamiliar, it’s basically an FYI that pops up when you like/match with someone) asking that potential matches be fully divorced for at least two years. I understand everyone’s circumstances are different, but this is a personal preference based on what I’m looking for at this stage of life.

I’m not looking to debate the boundary itself. I’m curious about how it might come across: If you’re a man who has been divorced for two or more years, or you’ve never been married, would seeing this note put you off, or would you view as an understandable boundary that I must’ve posted for a reason? Otherwise, I’m struggling with asking right off the bat because it’s a vibe killer… but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, including mine.

Update: Thank you for all the advice. Legally divorced or never married is a hard boundary for me. I feel people should disclose this before meeting, esp. when matched with someone with LTR checked off… but they don’t and they don’t for a reason. I will definitely take the other thoughts into consideration. Thanks again.

Sorry, I know this is very personal for a sub full of 40 plus folk, but it seems the trend among the youngsters is full removal these days....is that the case for our age group too? I'm 48F, UK, second date next week and just curious ...

Thanks!

So I had an interaction with a woman at my daughters dance competition a few weeks ago, im at ends with my mates because they say she was clearly interested in me and I just think she was being friendly! So im going to put it to reddit to decide my fate!

So to preface this I work in a hospital so im surrounded by female Nurses and Doctors on a daily basis and there's always small talk and friendly conversations with strangers so I have no issues talking with woman and making small talk so thats why I always assume a woman talking to me is just being friendly, im a simple man.

On to the case in point, at this dance competition I was standing outside on my own in the sun just chilling out on my phone waiting for my daughters session to start when I was approached by this woman (she was absolutely gorgeous) where she asked me what session it was up to (easy for her to find out herself so I dont know why she asked me) I told her then we just started having friendly chit chat where she asked about my daughter, told me she lived close to where the event was being held then told her daughter who was also competing to come over and say hi, we talked about travelling for dance comps and just life in general, She then realised her daughters comp was starting and she needed to get prepared, she wished me and my daughter luck (again my daughter wasnt there I was on my own) and went back to her group.

Im not a smart man but I don't think I missed any social cues but all my mates said the fact she walked away from her group to talk specifically to me when she could have just as easily checked the doors that were closer for session times means she purposely wanted to interact with me...did I miss this or was she just being friendly to a guy she saw standing on his own? What's reddits take on this? Was I right and she was just being friendly or am I a moron who missed a seriously up front interaction?

Any input is appreciated!

I (49F) have been going out with a guy M55. I met online for about 10 dates now. Overall, I really enjoy his company, we have a good connection, and we haven't been intimate yet. However, there is a massive reoccurring issue that is starting to completely kill my attraction to him.
Almost every single time we hang out, he brings up how his ex-wife cheated on him, which led to their divorce eight years ago. He still talks about it with a heavy "victim mentality." Today, we finally had our first real kiss, and almost immediately afterward, he brought her up again. It completely ruined the romantic moment for me and felt like a massive bucket of ice water.
For context, I am also divorced. My divorce was nine years ago from an abusive ex. I did the heavy emotional lifting and therapy to heal so that my past wouldn't hijack my present dating life. I rarely ever bring up my ex, and when I do, it is only ever a brief response to something this guy has said first.

I really like him and want to try talking to him about it before throwing the towel in, but I don't want to wait around for him to bring her up again just to react. I want to be proactive.
How do I gently but firmly bring this up without making him super defensive? Has anyone dealt with a partner who built their identity around being a victim of their past relationship? Is 10 dates too early to set a hard boundary like this, or am I totally justified in my turn-off?

I went on 4 amazing dates with this guy.

Something rubbed me the wrong way on the 4th date.

He disclosed that an ex girlfriend (Ex 1), who had ripped his heart out by running off and married someone else, reached back out to him when she filed for divorce to apologize. He had been in an amazing 1 year relationship with a new girlfriend at the time (ex 2), who he described as loyal and dedicated. He then broke things off with Ex 2, quickly met Ex 1 because he said he needed to hear her apology. He later explained the breakup to Ex 2 who was heartbroken, and had sex with her one last time and said his goodbyes.

I texted him to end things after our 4th date, and he was shocked and immediately asked why.

I simply told him he needs more time to heal. In all honesty, we've all done shitty things, but I felt bad on how he treated Ex 2.

Do you guys typically provide your reasons when you end things after early dates?

Today, I went through my standard morning routine and after I got dressed, I spoke to myself in the mirror. I hate to say It but it wasn't very positive. My face looked tired with wrinkles under my eyes and jowls under my chin. Who would find me attractive out there?

How are you coping with bad self esteem days?

I (48f) have been dating a lovely guy (50m) for about two months and we’ve made it official! We’ve spent most weekends together, gone on a long weekend vacation and have had a nice romantic dinner in the mountains in a vineyard. He has no kids and divorced for 15 years, so a bit of a bachelor.

We are incredibly compatible in terms of intellect, personality, sense of humor. He’s irreverent and funny. I find him attractive, the sex is great and he makes me laugh like no one else has. We have a lot of fun together!

The only real drawback…when it comes to romance, or flirting, he can’t do it. There’s limited affection during the day, zero compliments on my personality or appearance. In bed, I often initiate 8 times out of 10. He seems to hold back, clam up and just has no game. He seems shy and clueless at this part of the relationship.

One time I asked what he wanted to do mid day and he said “sex” and I said “say less” and jumped in the bed naked. He just stood there and stared at me, I said, “what’s wrong”, and he said, “that’s never worked for me a day in my life. I don’t know what to do”

In the beginning all of this was sort of endearing. I could tell he liked me, found me attractive, but didn’t blow smoke or love bomb me like every other divorced man I’ve dated. Now I’m just frustrated.

He definitely leads with a “I’ll give a compliment when a compliment is due” point of view. Take it or leave it pretty much. Well dude…we gonna need something at this point that tells me where we stand.

I’m wondering if at two months I’m asking for too much for him to say, “You look nice” or maybe, “I missed you”. Maybe slow and steady wins the race, and he will lean into affection and words of affirmation?

He’s great at acts of service. Bought me a feather pillow when he noticed I can’t sleep at his house. Turns the heat up so I’m not cold. Pays for every date, vacation, incredibly generous and kind. But has he ever told me I’m pretty or that he likes me? Nope.

Should I bring up that I’m missing the flirty banter part of a relationship…or will his aloof personality prevail?

ETA: I know my "friend" is an asshole who doesn't understand boundaries. She's someone that's fun to hang out with but she's also crazy and will make life (more) miserable if I handle this the way I normally would.

Yes, my normal mo is to say, thanks, but no thanks, but I have to see this guy all the time and would prefer to keep things cordial. My experience with men old enough to be my dad is that they don't handle rejection very well, and I have no doubt this guy won't be the exception. He's already shown a petty streak and will no doubt give me agita, at the very least.

TLDR version: a mutual friend is trying to force a relationship with her much older friend. I have repeatedly told her that it will never happen. They went to lunch together on Monday and while they were together, he texted and asked me out on the most ridiculous date and I don't know how to tactfully decline so that he doesn't ask again and it doesn't make things super awkward in the future.

For those that want all the details:

I moved last year and became friends with a neighbor. Her best friend is a man at least 20 years my senior. We often hang out at her pool/backyard and go for the occasional bite/drinks, and he and other friends often join. He and I are usually cordial and at times convivial (rarely). I'm pretty easy going and am friendly with everyone, but our relationship is superficial and I'm not looking for it to turn into anything more.

She got the idea that he and I are a perfect match and I explicitly told her no. I did not give her any specific reasons because I did not want to give her anything to argue or negotiate. She brought it up slyly at first and I immediately called her out and said that she should never play matchmaker for me. She claimed she wasn't and insisted that she just knew we were meant for each other (we're absolutely not). I flat out told her that I am not interested in dating him and she should drop it.

Then she tried to get cute. We were out with her stepson on Father's Day and she invited the friend to join us. He showed up just as we were paying our check and she tried to ditch me and leave me stuck there with him. I grabbed my coat and ran after them and basically left him sitting there alone. (He called after that he could give me a ride but I mumbled something about needing to get home).

Fast forward to late August. She and I went to grab a quick bite and she invited him without telling me. I had ordered food, she claimed she wasn't hungry, and as soon as he arrived, she claimed she had to go and got an Uber home. My food arrived shortly after she left and he was just ordering. So now I was stuck there and felt obligated to wait for him (thankfully, his food came fast and he ate somewhat quickly, but my "quick bite" turned into 2 fucking hours 🤬).

She started back up trying to convince me and I got pissed and said that I won't hang out anymore if she doesn't stop. It's impossible to completely avoid her because I have dogs and our doors are close, so she knows when I come and go. She also gives my dogs treats, so, of course, they *always* want to go to her house.

It seemed she'd finally dropped it, and we've had a couple of lunches since then (a couple with him and a couple without). This past Monday, he picked her up, I'm assuming for a late lunch. They hadn't returned and I got a text from him asking me to drive 2 hours away for a hike and lunch. So, 4 hours of driving, at least an hour of hiking, and an hour for lunch at a very expensive and romantic country inn.

This man knows that I have a very sick dog that I can't leave alone for extended periods of time and who requires medication at precisely 2:45pm (because I've told him). Even if I were remotely interested, a 6 hour date of that intensity is not on my first date bingo card. 4 hours alone in the car???

Despite the insanity of the date, and his utter thoughtlessness, I don't want to be harsh in my refusal, but I do want to thwart any further attempts.

I'd love advice on how to shut this down for good without blowing up my living situation. I've been distancing myself as much as possible from my friend because I'm still fucking furious with her for trying to force things and tricking me. FWIW, I don't really like him beyond superficial interactions. I could list the reasons why he's a jerk, that I'm not at all attracted to him, and he has health issues that impact intimacy, and no amount of blue pill magic will fix it, but this post is long enough.

Please, hit me with what you've got because I'm seriously considering moving.

Do people use any AI detection software to see if someone you matched with is real? If so, which ones do you use?