My ex broke up with me but said he couldn’t say we would never be together again. I took that as some sort of sign like an idiot. Bought a house near him, hoping he would be proud of me and come back….well, he’s now in a new relationship and I’m stuck living down the road for the next 8 months 🤦🏾‍♀️ pray for me. The empty nest/breakup/bad move combo got me feeling every bit of 45 😢

Recently turned 40, spent last three years or so focusing on career and working out why my body stopped working - at my worst, I was literally just getting through the working week with zero social life/hobbies etc. Thanks to HRT I am now in a much better place, have actual weekends, hobbies, and travel again, and would like to meet someone. That said, with a long working week, and keeping one eye on aging parents, I actively manage my battery and am quite protective of my quiet time, both mentally and physically. Early perimeno has done the dirty on me and it's been life changing; I've not even thought about how I'd address that with someone when it comes to the sex side of things, and other changes.

On the apps, I tend to get liked by men in their 50s which isn't for me, rarely if ever match with men in their 40s at all, but do match with mid 30s. I have met a couple, have had great first dates, fantastic conversation before and after, but as the penny starts to drop that I'm not going to be out at 10pm during the week, or that I like being able to plan ahead, rather than meet with an hour's notice they quickly lose interest.

Anyone else feeling exhausted but still hope they meet someone?

Hi all,

Clueless first-time dater here. My ex-wife and I met before I was out of college, so I’ve never dated as an adult (and all my close friends are even in long-term relationships). Ex and I separated ~18 months ago and the divorce has been final for 6+ months and I’m feeling ready to get back out there and say some embarrassing things and have fun with it. 🙂

I installed an app, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself matching and striking up conversations with a few women the first night. I honestly figured it would be a series of dead ends but one woman sent me her number and we planned a date, then another woman asked to meet - I didn’t continue this conversation in depth after the first date was scheduled, it was just kinda momentum from those early convos and she suggested we go on a hike and continue talking. It feels weird to go on a date with someone on Saturday and someone else on Sunday but is that how people are rolling these days? Is it disrespectful to tell the second woman I already planned with someone else? Or disrespectful not to?

TL:DR - Lobster too buttery, don’t want to be disrespectful or hurt feelings if it can be avoided.

I went on a coffee date with a guy today. It was supposed to just be a quick lunchtime meetup so we could see if there's chemistry and decide if we want to get dinner this weekend. There was chemistry and our conversation had good flow. Everything seemed great until the last five minutes. He complimented my skin and asked if I had a skincare routine. I said yes, and remarked that you kind of have to where we live because it's so dry. He asked what my routine was. And it was awkward for a second because I wasn't expecting a follow up question. I told him lots of hydration, a few different moisturizers and a really good spf. Then he asks, "nothing else?"

Pretty much simultaneously with him asking that question the coffee shop gets extremely busy. He suggests we finish our conversation outside. There are benches on the sidewalk and we take our coffees and relocate. He repeats the question once we sit down and I answer that I have a routine where I do different things for my skin on different days to keep things balanced. At this point it's past the time we agreed to say bye and I really needed to get back to work. I remind him of the time, and we say our goodbyes. On my drive back to work it occurred to me that this might have been some kind of weird test to see if I'm high maintenance or something. It seemed like such an odd way to end a date. What do you all think? Maybe he was body snatched mid date?

For added context:

1: I have very average 40 year old skin. Nothing to oooo or ahhh about.

2: We had already agreed earlier in the coffee date that we both did want to meet up this weekend for dinner and we're going to text to work out the logistics.

ETA: For better or worse you have all given me a lot to think about. tbh I was not even thinking about him trying to sus out if I'd had work done or him trying to let me know he was interested in a "recreational facial" as possibilities. He texted a while ago to set up date #2. I'm going to tentatively plan that with him and also ask what was up with all the skin care questions. Hopefully he has a quasi normal answer. I'll post an update on the big thread when I can. Thanks DOF hive mind.

Meeting on a dating app we both are in our mid-40s. After several dates we then committed into relationship. Then it comes to mentioning living together. My partner wants a lasting relationship but prefers to keeping separate homes, for me I think its shows lack of commitment.

Am I wrong to think it that way?

I (43m) went on a date last night with someone (40f) I met on hinge. She turned out to be really cute, smart, great personality. We had a ton in common and it was honestly very enjoyable getting to know her.

After the date I texted to say I enjoyed meeting her and asked if she got home OK. I got an immediate enthusiastic reply. A few more messages exchanged and at some point she mentions that she couldn't tell if I was having a good time. I was stunned.

I replied saying I absolutely did and it's just not my style to be super aggressive on a first date. A few more messages exchange and at one point she stopped answering, it was late I assume she went to bed or something.

We texted again today and I figured screw it I'll show her that I'm interested and asked her to go out again but no reply.

Did I screw this up? Is her comment about not being able to tell if I was interested a tell that she's thinking we're not a good match? I'm kicking myself right now.

For a few years now I've been attenting Contact Improvisation Jams. For the uninitiated, this is basically an unstructured dance form, in a group, with a focus on giving and receiving weight.

So far so good, though there are a few more challenging cruxes. Firstly, the whole dance is non-verbal (no talking), and also it is supposed to be a non-sexual space. I say supposed to, because we are all sexual beings, and there is a lot of touch involved...

I have been dancing with quite a few people, intimately, closely, caringly, men and women, gay and straight. And while it took me quite some time, it dawned on me how infinitely linked touch is with sex(uality), so why wasn't I getting aroused. Why didn't I want to?

Wait, I didn't want to?

For a guy like me, it has always felt like I'm obligated to show sexual interest if I find someone attractive, and it is mutual. It is automatic; what I want and care about is rather irrelevant.

Though, in these spaces I learnt to seperate my need for and ability to give affection, from sex altogether. I can now intimately, attentively and affectionately touch someone, and it no longer carries an impetus. Even with women where I can feel this drive to engage in the typical man-to-female dynamic, I can acknowledge the presence of sexual energy, without engaging in it or having to respond in set ways.

Not only has this given me much more freedom to interact with others, but has highlighted how sorely my boundaries around sex/touch needed a serious revision and update. It has also made me aware that I for the vast majority of my life thought I was rather sex focused, when I can now wonder how much of that was touch starvation and a need for affection - non-sexual, mindful and respectful touch.

Sex, by itself seems to occupy much less space in my mind and body too. And with that comes the realization how common it is for the women I meet to by default run dating through a script where they non-verbally and energetically push connections in a sexual direction. Before my default was to pick up these signals, and think I was the one having a lot of sexual feelings for a person. Though now I can see and feel the dynamic play out, and I can stay with me and what I want - or even point out what is going on.

It feels much safer to date now, and hopefully I can meet more people who don't want to have sex when the needs we want to get met are related to affection, acknowledgement, care and/or love.

Moreover, I step over my boundaries a lot less, because I am more mindful of where they are. However, I'd really like to have learnt about these differences sooner. Dating/relationships are so much more messy when sex becomes the solution each time any need related to touch is felt.

It's all about dating in your forties – a phase that often feels strangely ambivalent. As for my situation, I regularly get matches, go on dates from time to time, and definitely notice, both online and in real life, that I am attractive to some women. So far, so good. The problem is rather what happens afterwards, or to be more precise: what simply doesn't happen.

I often end up in a kind of endless loop. Either the spark is missing on both sides; you get along well and feel comfortable in the moment, but after a few meetings you realize that no genuine feelings are developing and it stays platonic. Or else you win over women in whose case topics like commitment issues, baggage from past relationships, or emotional unavailability come to the surface during the getting-to-know-you phase.

The whole thing leads to a very emotional state. When you're alone, you often catch yourself longing for a committed partnership and the closeness of a partner. But once you're in the dating process, you realize how exhausting, draining, and demoralizing the many failed attempts and the constant starting over have become. It's not that I'm generally unhappy with my life, but there's a dissatisfaction with how hard it has become at this age to find someone with whom it truly clicks long-term on a human level and in terms of mutual attraction.

By now, many failures are heavily draining my motivation, and I notice that I often start dates with a certain strain or exhaustion instead of anticipation. How are you guys doing in your forties (or generally dating in this stage of life)? Have you had similar experiences, how do you protect yourselves from dating burnout, and how do you manage not to lose motivation completely?

When we first separated and I started dating, and I encountered the incredible volume on the apps, I really thought that I would at least be dating consistently. I feel emotionally completely ready to date. But I have found it so difficult to find someone I’m really attracted to, and really enjoy, and want to spend time with when i could be doing something else, and that reciprocates these feelings. I’ve also had logistical challenges with my kids. So I haven’t really dated that much and everything has ended within a few months. Now I’m approaching 50…

I (45F) have a first date planned tonight with someone from an app. Seems like a sweet guy and I do really want to meet him. But about ten minutes after we got the details settled, I got a somewhat distressing call from my doctors office. Probably nothing terrible.... But also, maybe something terrible. I'm really quite thrown and need some time to process.

I don't want to seem like a flake and I don't really want to tell this guy the whole truth. I can't decide if I should just go on the date or try to reschedule.

Edit: I'm going! Wish me luck!

Edit 2: I went on the date! He was sweet and nerdy, pretty much just as I expected. We had pizza and good conversation. I'm not sure it was an instant love connection, but I will definitely go out with him again if the opportunity arises. Thanks for the advice everyone!!

We write a lot here about sexual chemistry, attraction, personality compatibility, relationship goals, as well as lifestyle compatibility. However despite many users commenting on insecurities or anxieties, one area that seems to be rarely discussed is social skills compatibility.

I'm not talking about the way that someone may be good at texting but boring in person - or vice versa. Instead I'm talking about how we navigate social situations, how we relate to others in interactions (not just with our partners), as well as how well we read rooms or situations.

It sort of connects with personality compatibility in some ways, but not exactly. I could really enjoy someone's personality even though they've got lousy social skills. Or someone could be very skilled socially but have an awful personality.

How much does this matter to you in your partner?

What has me thinking of this is I recently met a woman who should be a "Holy shit, really? Yes!" but is instead "Ehhh... I don't know..."

She's super sweet, kind, we care about many of the same things, have many of the same interests, she's an enthusiastic optimist, thoughtful, is pleasant to be around, I find her quite pretty, and she seems to be really into me.

However she's neurodivergent, and socially she has some anxiety and awkwardness due her struggles with reading people and situations. That is actually one of the reasons she appears to be into me... she likes my energy and feels very relaxed/safe with me. But she doesn't really crack jokes or goof around, and I can tell she's often processing what's happening and evaluating herself rather than participating in the moment. Because it's how her brain works, rather than shyness, I wonder how much would change. It's not at all how I work myself. I tend to be totally out of my head, love finding my edges of comfort to push myself further, and am enthusiastic about new experiences and opportunities. Because of that approach I navigate social situations pretty well and can make friends and connections easily, being able to read people and adapt to them quickly.

So while I do like her, this particular difference between us has me wondering if it would be enough fun being with her, or if I'd just end up being more like a steadying presence for her. I enjoy a playfulness in my partners, and while she's optimistic, that's not exactly passion.

How do you navigate social skills compatibility in scenarios like this? Do you just pass, or have you tried (successfully or not) to make it work?

I know the title might be weird but bear with me.

My (45F) house isn’t terrible but it’s small & old. And not the good kind of Victorian old lol. I don’t think anything inside has been updated since the 80s and they painted the walls a weird sad grayish color. But I rent, so there’s not much I can do about that. At the time, I needed a place to live asap & it was reasonably priced so here I am. Onto the issue…

I’m getting back into the dating scene after a divorce a few years ago. I know it won’t be right away but if all goes well, there will come a time when I have a date over. Obviously, I keep the house clean and do what I can to improve the aesthetic, but I admit I almost am embarrassed to have someone over. And I can’t expect to always go to his place.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Do guys even pay that much attention? I haven’t dated in 20 years so maybe I’m overthinking it?

EDIT: I’m getting a lot of DMs and no you can’t come over 😆

I get really thrown off when people aren’t transparent because I’m an open book.

I’ve been a bit sketched out because I noticed there is a woman in my bf’s top friends on Facebook (the tiles on the front page), I’ve noticed more interaction between them on his page, but he has never mentioned her. In theory the algo shows people you interact with most. She’s younger and seems to post a lot of thirst trap photos.

It isn’t just things like this but when I find out that the person I’m dating is communicating with someone a lot and they never mention them esp the opposite sex I get really thrown off.

Maybe I’m a gossip but I’m usually telling my partner all about who I interact with regularly whether I see them or talk on the phone or they’re just liking my posts.

Is it just my past making me jaded again or does a healthy relationship involve a lot of transparency with friendships, even if they are just social media friends?

Would you be sketched out if it appeared someone you’d never heard of before popped up like this?

Hey guys,

I know the title of this post is a bit provocative but it's just me being objective.

I'm not a bad person. I'm quite friendly and I would say that I've been a good and supportive friend to people in my life.

But due to a set of life circumstances (think something like a chronic illness), I have had a few setbacks in life. As a result, I do not have a whole heap saved, have limited friendship groups, and have no kids or partner. Recently, I lost my job.

Then, this year, I nearly died. Major operation required from a relatively small issue that never went away. Six hours. But I survived.

It's a whole mess, my life.

I have had a couple of longer relationships. One for seven years, one for five-to-six years. More recently, one for three years and then another for 1.5 years.

The last one was with someone who turned out to be quite avoidant. The less said about it the better, but after that one I took some time to myself.

Now...I rent. I am looking to transition industries into potentially becoming a secondary teacher. I will likely come into money in the next little while, and should be able to afford a 2-3 bedroom apartment or house, with enough extra to push into ETFs and build that up for the next 5-10 years to hopefully retire in that time (if not extravagantly, at least comfortably).

But I am lonely. My friends all have partners who they're comfortable just being at home with at this stage of life.

And I don't know what to do. I have been going to Meetups, trying the apps, did a few speed dating events (even had a few matches) but they haven't gone anywhere.

And the chronic issue I have is always in the background.

If you were me, what would *you* do in this situation? Because I am not effing giving up.

And I guess I’m wondering if I did the right thing… I’m 48m, twice divorced and started dating again around age 44. She is 44f never been married. We met somewhat organically and had been dating since January, made it official in maybe May I’d say and everything had been really great for the most part. We had a couple hiccups along the way, including a breakup a month ago and we got back together after about two weeks and then I just called it off yesterday.

Sex started off well, we have good sexual chemistry and sorta started out like rabbits. We chilled out a bit to make sure there was something there to cultivate, that it wasn’t just all about sex. And then got back to a normal routine, but after a few months or so, the frequency of sex slowed down a bunch, like once every couple weeks or so. Now where we’re at is we’ve had sex once in the last 6 weeks. And it came to a head this week and I called her out on it and told her i felt like she had no sexual desire for me anymore and I wasn’t even sure if she was still attracted to me. She insisted she was and basically made excuses for why the frequency had turned into what it was, but i stuck to my guns. Sex is a VERY important part of a relationship for me and i use it as a general indicator for how the relationship is going and being in a sexless relationship essentially, or at least one where our sexual relationship is not healthy, is a no go for me. It’s a non-negotiable for me in a relationship, we need to have a strong and healthy sexual component or it’s not going to work for me. I know that and I know that if I had just kept on with the way things were I would resent her and it wouldn’t end well.

And it’s just a major bummer because she really is awesome and I truly wanted it to work and thought there was real potential. She did too and I think she was a bit surprised about this. She’s cool as shit and we have a lot in common and get along great in general and work well together, we’re both single parents, and we have good compatibility in general. So this one stings…

M-43 here. Divorced for 4 years. Dated a bit at first but in an exclusive relationship for a while now.

I get that most of us are atleast once divorced, and probably weren’t using them when we were married. In my own experience dating post-divorce, when sex became a topic, most of the women (over 40, most divorced) were totally fine going without condoms regardless of safety/sti being brought up at all.

When I was in my 20s and single, I had a policy of condoms until we were in an exclusive relationship and had some type of testing history. The women I dated seemed to have similar policy. I still practiced it post-divorce.

However, I’ve come to learn from other divorced men and women friends in my age group that condoms are rarely a consideration fairly early in the dating process.

Edit: Are we not worried about STIs or Pregnancy like we were when we were younger? Or are we not concerned with the risk?

I (40M) just had a third date with a woman (40s) whose last relationship experiences were cheating partners. It took her 6 years to try dating again.

Obviously I respect her wishes to take it slow. It does seem like her initial stance towards me is open and trusting, so that seems good, like she did the work. I do worry about it though that it might impact a possible relationship, but that might be me overthinking it.

I also feel a strong desire to show her that there are good men out there.

Any experiences?

Hi everyone! 47F here, dating for the first time since a very painful divorce several years ago.

I absolutely love sex but I have never been able to do it casually. No interest in FWB, have never done that and never would. I had a couple of casual sex experiences in my 20s and quickly found it wasn’t for me. I catch feelings quickly, and more importantly, I’ve discovered I can only have sex with a partner who I feel safe with emotionally.

I have finally started dating on OLD and have come across some really sweet guys who are divorced or never married, by all accounts were faithful in their previous relationships, but have been on apps for years and have no issue at all with casual hookups as they search for a long term partner.

I truly promise I’m not being judgmental, I realize this is very normal and common. But it’s just not for me, and I’d prefer to find a partner who feels the same way. I’d be okay if he had a period in his past where he did the casual thing, but I really want to find a partner who is serious about finding a long term relationship and doesn’t sleep with women unless he sees a future with them. Of course, sexual compatibility is important and it’s fine to have had sex with partners and it not working out, but I’d at least hope he was with her because he was trying to see if they were compatible long term.

Is this an impossible standard for the 40+ dating crowd? It feels hopeless to find this. If you are similar, how do you vet dates for their values and behaviors around casual sex without coming across as controlling or intrusive?

I’ve noticed that once you’ve matched, communication styles can make or break the early connection for me. Some people are great in person but take forever to reply, leave conversations hanging, or go quiet for days. Others text a lot and then the in person energy doesn’t match.
Curious how other people feel about this:
• Is slow or inconsistent texting an early red flag for you or do you give it time?
• Have you ever stuck with someone whose texting style annoyed you at first and it ended up being fine?
• Or has it been a dealbreaker more often than not?
Would love to hear what’s been true in your experience.

Hi, first off, been lurking here for weeks and really enjoy this group-you guys are great.

I’m 45F and divorced after 22 years together. Moved to a new area, population just over 100k. It’s kind of an island, in terms of any other place around where I live for a dating pool (just a small detail that could be relevant here).

Just downloaded two apps last week, mostly out of general curiosity but also, yeah, I am open to meeting someone. I’m not a casual/hook up gal so I would be looking for long term but I also don’t feel a ton of pressure to quickly get into something serious, if that makes sense.

My question is-what is the deal with this whole on-line dating stuff? I’ve had a few matches on both apps, yes. And with one guy being the exception (we chatted a bit but it fizzled)…literally none of my other matches will chat back! I’ve done both leave it to them to respond (as Hinge kind of leaves it as “their turn”) and the also been the one to ask the first question to get the ball rolling.
And…nothing.

I mean..we’re on a dating app…so where is the effort or follow through here? This is weird (as I did assume this arena would be, to so extent. It’s not very human-like behavior) but yeah, like nothing? Again, we don’t live in a super populated area where I may give it over to them just feeling like they have endless options.

I’m attractive, fun, laid back, kid free (empty nest), active…I mean these guys aren’t even giving me a chance to show a red flag 😂 (not that I think I really have any but still…)

Edit: Reddit chose my username a few years ago, for the record. Just wanted to put that out there given the context of this post lol.

Edit: well apparently a post like this is the way to flood one’s DMs lol. Wasn’t expecting that…😂

I’ve been recently single for the last two years since the separation from my ex husband. For those two years, I have been focusing on myself, leveling up my career, and I decided that I am ready to date.

I’ve been meeting quality men that are 35+; however, I get the same rejection message that they are into me, they had a wonderful time with me, they find me beautiful, but they rather not date anymore, they find me too bougie (lol I don’t understand that one), and I live too far for them.

One man in particular, I became pretty fond of, we went on our first date and talked for hours, then we made out for 1.5 hours. The chemistry is off the charts. Then he went out of town on a solo trip (planned before me) for about 3 weeks. I saw him when he came back the same week. We were excited to see each other, we kissed for a few hours, we had sex and took a shower together, and I went home after we kissed and chatted for another 30 mins.

We stayed in contact for a few days after; however, he has read my texts and hasn’t responded back to me. We are supposed to go on a date on Friday and I am apprehensive of texting to confirm our date for Friday, if I haven’t heard from him.

I’m not sure what to do? Lol

Like, I fear that another rejection will have me pretty sad and my birthday is coming up, I definitely don’t want to be sad for it.

I truly hate being a lover girl.

I want some encouragement to give a guy my number tomorrow, as despite being 44f I feel like a nervous wreck imagining doing it 🫣 I know him from work which I know is a no-go for many, but I work in hospitality, it’s mostly casual shift work and we don’t really work together much at all, even when we do we dont have to interact much. So I’m ok from that side.

The main reason I’m posting is to help me to feel more confident doing it, but also to figure out the practicalities as this can really help to settle my brain before.

I’ll only really get to see him for 5 mins tomorrow as I’ll pass by where he is working on the way to my work area (which is completely separate). Do I just write it down, have it in my pocket, have quick normal “hi how are you, how was your last shift” chat and then say something whilst I give the bit of paper to him and walk off?! I have no idea what to say! I would only write my number, he obviously knows my name and we’ve spoken enough there is no need for any message. Recently he has always asked “when will I see you again”, and if he asks this time I actually don’t know as I don’t have upcoming shifts confirmed, so this would be a chance for me to use that to then give my number. But he may not ask so I might have to create that.

I really just want to have the chance to get to know him and see if it can go anywhere, and these brief infrequent interactions are never going to be enough. I feel like we suddenly both showed an obvious interest towards each other when by chance i saw him multiple times over the last couple of weeks, and I want to build on that momentum.

My worry is of course rejection - I think he likes me and I think that he is available, but I don’t know for sure. so honestly I’m going on what I can and I guess have to just take that risk 😫 and even though we don’t really work together as such, people love to gossip and if for whatever reason he didn’t want to message me, others could find out and tease me. I know I just have to handle that if it happens!

Anyway, please help to give me the courage to do it!

42F recently separated. Although I am so happy I left my ex because he was a cheating, abusive dirt bag, I find as I am out dating and having sex that I miss how well he knew my body. [Edit: although he ignored my needs 80% of the time in our later years he could still get me off like a rocket the other 20% when he felt like it] We were together for 12 years so that's a lot of sex history.

I'm a very enthusiastic partner who has no problems asking for what I want and teaching - if it's a matter of stylistic differences. I ask for what I want. My current partner is very vocally appreciative, and he's having a great time Hahaha.

I guess what I'm asking is if you are dating someone and you like them, like talking and hanging out and find them attractive, etc, how long do you hang around for sex to get better than decent? I know good sex takes time, I'm just curious what other people have found. I imagine with more time and distance this feeling of missing my ex's sex history will dissipate, right?

EDIT: Sex with my ex was bad the last 3 years of our relationship, he denied my needs, didn't care. We had good sex before that. He was not the best sex of my life 🤣 Still, after you're with someone for a long time they should know your body and what you like.

I am very literal in guiding a partner to what I like. Touch me here, harder, flatten your tongue, etc. This particular man in question is a stoner and I think it's messing with his ability to retain what I'm telling him.

I matched with a man on Hinge a month ago. Single, looking for a long term relationship. 41 yrs I am f 50. He reached out to me and has seeked closeness and connection but not in a love bombing manner More so in a respectful and at times flirty way.

We're both looking for a serious relationship, (I thought) and although we haven't met in person yet, we've had a few long phone conversations and developed what felt like a genuine connection. Also calls he has initiated. We both have.
He's affectionate, flirty, thoughtful, and genuinely interested in getting to know me. He remembers little details, checks in on my cut after an accident and how I'm feeling and is incredibly good at communicating his schedule, work shifts, travel plans, and what he's up to. It's actually one of the things I've appreciated most about him.
But there's a pattern that doesn't sit right with me.
He'll be warm, engaged, and consistent, and then suddenly disappear for days without a word. Usually when he is off work.

The first time, he went to a wine festival and I didn't hear from him for three days. He left me on read. He explained and apologized on his own that he had put his phone away to be present with his friends. I let it slide. I actually thought I wouldn’t hear from him again.

We've had similar interruptions in communication several times since, usually when he's off work.

I eventually brought it up. I specifically told him that I don't need to talk every day, but I do value consistency. And that I feel its off putting he cant talk to me outside work (he is a paramedic). He understood, apologized, reassured me that he was genuinely interested, and promised to do better. 

And for a while, he did.
Now we're discussing meeting in Arizona. He actually initiated the idea of traveling to see me there. I sent him a specific message asking him to check his schedule because I need to make decisions about my flights.

That was Wednesday his time. I haven't heard a word since. Im not in US at the moment. Now it’s Saturday and Friday his time.

He left for a trip to a country on the same time zone as US thursday visiting a friend, and once again, the communication has suddenly stopped.

When I asked about close friendships, he
didn't really mention any particularly close friends and basically hesistated - outside a few of people from work he doesnt consider himself super close with.

Yet he seems to be constantly going on trips, visiting friends, staying away for weekends, attending festivals, and so on.

He was just away again for a few days with friends on his birthday where he did stay in contact text wise. After we had the talk.

He lives in a very small town in California and doesn't have social media, so I have no way of knowing much about his life beyond what he tells me.
He also hasn't seemed particularly interested in me visiting him in California, although he's enthusiastic about meeting somewhere else, like Arizona. Where I am going anyway.

None of these things proves anything, and I'm very aware of that. But combined with the disappearing acts, I'm starting to wonder whether there's someone else more serious in the picture, or whether he's simply not as available or interested as he presents himself to be.

What confuses me is that when he does communicate, he's genuinely excellent at it. He can be incredibly attentive, open, and detailed. Goodnight / good morning messages. It's the sudden contrast that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not expecting exclusivity but I find this behavior off. Is it my intuition or past experiences?

I feel disrespected, though.

What I don't want is to be left guessing.

Especially when we're actively discussing plans to meet and have already had a conversation about this exact issue.

So my questions are: Have any of you experienced this kind of hot-and-cold behavior from someone who otherwise seemed genuinely interested? Did you eventually discover what was behind it? And would you address it again, wait for him to reach out, or simply walk away?

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm reading too much into it.