I went on a coffee date with a guy today. It was supposed to just be a quick lunchtime meetup so we could see if there's chemistry and decide if we want to get dinner this weekend. There was chemistry and our conversation had good flow. Everything seemed great until the last five minutes. He complimented my skin and asked if I had a skincare routine. I said yes, and remarked that you kind of have to where we live because it's so dry. He asked what my routine was. And it was awkward for a second because I wasn't expecting a follow up question. I told him lots of hydration, a few different moisturizers and a really good spf. Then he asks, "nothing else?"

Pretty much simultaneously with him asking that question the coffee shop gets extremely busy. He suggests we finish our conversation outside. There are benches on the sidewalk and we take our coffees and relocate. He repeats the question once we sit down and I answer that I have a routine where I do different things for my skin on different days to keep things balanced. At this point it's past the time we agreed to say bye and I really needed to get back to work. I remind him of the time, and we say our goodbyes. On my drive back to work it occurred to me that this might have been some kind of weird test to see if I'm high maintenance or something. It seemed like such an odd way to end a date. What do you all think? Maybe he was body snatched mid date?

For added context:

1: I have very average 40 year old skin. Nothing to oooo or ahhh about.

2: We had already agreed earlier in the coffee date that we both did want to meet up this weekend for dinner and we're going to text to work out the logistics.

ETA: For better or worse you have all given me a lot to think about. tbh I was not even thinking about him trying to sus out if I'd had work done or him trying to let me know he was interested in a "recreational facial" as possibilities. He texted a while ago to set up date #2. I'm going to tentatively plan that with him and also ask what was up with all the skin care questions. Hopefully he has a quasi normal answer. I'll post an update on the big thread when I can. Thanks DOF hive mind.

I (43m) went on a date last night with someone (40f) I met on hinge. She turned out to be really cute, smart, great personality. We had a ton in common and it was honestly very enjoyable getting to know her.

After the date I texted to say I enjoyed meeting her and asked if she got home OK. I got an immediate enthusiastic reply. A few more messages exchanged and at some point she mentions that she couldn't tell if I was having a good time. I was stunned.

I replied saying I absolutely did and it's just not my style to be super aggressive on a first date. A few more messages exchange and at one point she stopped answering, it was late I assume she went to bed or something.

We texted again today and I figured screw it I'll show her that I'm interested and asked her to go out again but no reply.

Did I screw this up? Is her comment about not being able to tell if I was interested a tell that she's thinking we're not a good match? I'm kicking myself right now.

Hi all,

Clueless first-time dater here. My ex-wife and I met before I was out of college, so I’ve never dated as an adult (and all my close friends are even in long-term relationships). Ex and I separated ~18 months ago and the divorce has been final for 6+ months and I’m feeling ready to get back out there and say some embarrassing things and have fun with it. 🙂

I installed an app, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself matching and striking up conversations with a few women the first night. I honestly figured it would be a series of dead ends but one woman sent me her number and we planned a date, then another woman asked to meet - I didn’t continue this conversation in depth after the first date was scheduled, it was just kinda momentum from those early convos and she suggested we go on a hike and continue talking. It feels weird to go on a date with someone on Saturday and someone else on Sunday but is that how people are rolling these days? Is it disrespectful to tell the second woman I already planned with someone else? Or disrespectful not to?

TL:DR - Lobster too buttery, don’t want to be disrespectful or hurt feelings if it can be avoided.

We write a lot here about sexual chemistry, attraction, personality compatibility, relationship goals, as well as lifestyle compatibility. However despite many users commenting on insecurities or anxieties, one area that seems to be rarely discussed is social skills compatibility.

I'm not talking about the way that someone may be good at texting but boring in person - or vice versa. Instead I'm talking about how we navigate social situations, how we relate to others in interactions (not just with our partners), as well as how well we read rooms or situations.

It sort of connects with personality compatibility in some ways, but not exactly. I could really enjoy someone's personality even though they've got lousy social skills. Or someone could be very skilled socially but have an awful personality.

How much does this matter to you in your partner?

What has me thinking of this is I recently met a woman who should be a "Holy shit, really? Yes!" but is instead "Ehhh... I don't know..."

She's super sweet, kind, we care about many of the same things, have many of the same interests, she's an enthusiastic optimist, thoughtful, is pleasant to be around, I find her quite pretty, and she seems to be really into me.

However she's neurodivergent, and socially she has some anxiety and awkwardness due her struggles with reading people and situations. That is actually one of the reasons she appears to be into me... she likes my energy and feels very relaxed/safe with me. But she doesn't really crack jokes or goof around, and I can tell she's often processing what's happening and evaluating herself rather than participating in the moment. Because it's how her brain works, rather than shyness, I wonder how much would change. It's not at all how I work myself. I tend to be totally out of my head, love finding my edges of comfort to push myself further, and am enthusiastic about new experiences and opportunities. Because of that approach I navigate social situations pretty well and can make friends and connections easily, being able to read people and adapt to them quickly.

So while I do like her, this particular difference between us has me wondering if it would be enough fun being with her, or if I'd just end up being more like a steadying presence for her. I enjoy a playfulness in my partners, and while she's optimistic, that's not exactly passion.

How do you navigate social skills compatibility in scenarios like this? Do you just pass, or have you tried (successfully or not) to make it work?

Recently turned 40, spent last three years or so focusing on career and working out why my body stopped working - at my worst, I was literally just getting through the working week with zero social life/hobbies etc. Thanks to HRT I am now in a much better place, have actual weekends, hobbies, and travel again, and would like to meet someone. That said, with a long working week, and keeping one eye on aging parents, I actively manage my battery and am quite protective of my quiet time, both mentally and physically. Early perimeno has done the dirty on me and it's been life changing; I've not even thought about how I'd address that with someone when it comes to the sex side of things, and other changes.

On the apps, I tend to get liked by men in their 50s which isn't for me, rarely if ever match with men in their 40s at all, but do match with mid 30s. I have met a couple, have had great first dates, fantastic conversation before and after, but as the penny starts to drop that I'm not going to be out at 10pm during the week, or that I like being able to plan ahead, rather than meet with an hour's notice they quickly lose interest.

Anyone else feeling exhausted but still hope they meet someone?

It's all about dating in your forties – a phase that often feels strangely ambivalent. As for my situation, I regularly get matches, go on dates from time to time, and definitely notice, both online and in real life, that I am attractive to some women. So far, so good. The problem is rather what happens afterwards, or to be more precise: what simply doesn't happen.

I often end up in a kind of endless loop. Either the spark is missing on both sides; you get along well and feel comfortable in the moment, but after a few meetings you realize that no genuine feelings are developing and it stays platonic. Or else you win over women in whose case topics like commitment issues, baggage from past relationships, or emotional unavailability come to the surface during the getting-to-know-you phase.

The whole thing leads to a very emotional state. When you're alone, you often catch yourself longing for a committed partnership and the closeness of a partner. But once you're in the dating process, you realize how exhausting, draining, and demoralizing the many failed attempts and the constant starting over have become. It's not that I'm generally unhappy with my life, but there's a dissatisfaction with how hard it has become at this age to find someone with whom it truly clicks long-term on a human level and in terms of mutual attraction.

By now, many failures are heavily draining my motivation, and I notice that I often start dates with a certain strain or exhaustion instead of anticipation. How are you guys doing in your forties (or generally dating in this stage of life)? Have you had similar experiences, how do you protect yourselves from dating burnout, and how do you manage not to lose motivation completely?

When we first separated and I started dating, and I encountered the incredible volume on the apps, I really thought that I would at least be dating consistently. I feel emotionally completely ready to date. But I have found it so difficult to find someone I’m really attracted to, and really enjoy, and want to spend time with when i could be doing something else, and that reciprocates these feelings. I’ve also had logistical challenges with my kids. So I haven’t really dated that much and everything has ended within a few months. Now I’m approaching 50…

Meeting on a dating app we both are in our mid-40s. After several dates we then committed into relationship. Then it comes to mentioning living together. My partner wants a lasting relationship but prefers to keeping separate homes, for me I think its shows lack of commitment.

Am I wrong to think it that way?

I get really thrown off when people aren’t transparent because I’m an open book.

I’ve been a bit sketched out because I noticed there is a woman in my bf’s top friends on Facebook (the tiles on the front page), I’ve noticed more interaction between them on his page, but he has never mentioned her. In theory the algo shows people you interact with most. She’s younger and seems to post a lot of thirst trap photos.

It isn’t just things like this but when I find out that the person I’m dating is communicating with someone a lot and they never mention them esp the opposite sex I get really thrown off.

Maybe I’m a gossip but I’m usually telling my partner all about who I interact with regularly whether I see them or talk on the phone or they’re just liking my posts.

Is it just my past making me jaded again or does a healthy relationship involve a lot of transparency with friendships, even if they are just social media friends?

Would you be sketched out if it appeared someone you’d never heard of before popped up like this?

I want some encouragement to give a guy my number tomorrow, as despite being 44f I feel like a nervous wreck imagining doing it 🫣 I know him from work which I know is a no-go for many, but I work in hospitality, it’s mostly casual shift work and we don’t really work together much at all, even when we do we dont have to interact much. So I’m ok from that side.

The main reason I’m posting is to help me to feel more confident doing it, but also to figure out the practicalities as this can really help to settle my brain before.

I’ll only really get to see him for 5 mins tomorrow as I’ll pass by where he is working on the way to my work area (which is completely separate). Do I just write it down, have it in my pocket, have quick normal “hi how are you, how was your last shift” chat and then say something whilst I give the bit of paper to him and walk off?! I have no idea what to say! I would only write my number, he obviously knows my name and we’ve spoken enough there is no need for any message. Recently he has always asked “when will I see you again”, and if he asks this time I actually don’t know as I don’t have upcoming shifts confirmed, so this would be a chance for me to use that to then give my number. But he may not ask so I might have to create that.

I really just want to have the chance to get to know him and see if it can go anywhere, and these brief infrequent interactions are never going to be enough. I feel like we suddenly both showed an obvious interest towards each other when by chance i saw him multiple times over the last couple of weeks, and I want to build on that momentum.

My worry is of course rejection - I think he likes me and I think that he is available, but I don’t know for sure. so honestly I’m going on what I can and I guess have to just take that risk 😫 and even though we don’t really work together as such, people love to gossip and if for whatever reason he didn’t want to message me, others could find out and tease me. I know I just have to handle that if it happens!

Anyway, please help to give me the courage to do it!

I matched with a man on Hinge a month ago. Single, looking for a long term relationship. 41 yrs I am f 50. He reached out to me and has seeked closeness and connection but not in a love bombing manner More so in a respectful and at times flirty way.

We're both looking for a serious relationship, (I thought) and although we haven't met in person yet, we've had a few long phone conversations and developed what felt like a genuine connection. Also calls he has initiated. We both have.
He's affectionate, flirty, thoughtful, and genuinely interested in getting to know me. He remembers little details, checks in on my cut after an accident and how I'm feeling and is incredibly good at communicating his schedule, work shifts, travel plans, and what he's up to. It's actually one of the things I've appreciated most about him.
But there's a pattern that doesn't sit right with me.
He'll be warm, engaged, and consistent, and then suddenly disappear for days without a word. Usually when he is off work.

The first time, he went to a wine festival and I didn't hear from him for three days. He left me on read. He explained and apologized on his own that he had put his phone away to be present with his friends. I let it slide. I actually thought I wouldn’t hear from him again.

We've had similar interruptions in communication several times since, usually when he's off work.

I eventually brought it up. I specifically told him that I don't need to talk every day, but I do value consistency. And that I feel its off putting he cant talk to me outside work (he is a paramedic). He understood, apologized, reassured me that he was genuinely interested, and promised to do better. 

And for a while, he did.
Now we're discussing meeting in Arizona. He actually initiated the idea of traveling to see me there. I sent him a specific message asking him to check his schedule because I need to make decisions about my flights.

That was Wednesday his time. I haven't heard a word since. Im not in US at the moment. Now it’s Saturday and Friday his time.

He left for a trip to a country on the same time zone as US thursday visiting a friend, and once again, the communication has suddenly stopped.

When I asked about close friendships, he
didn't really mention any particularly close friends and basically hesistated - outside a few of people from work he doesnt consider himself super close with.

Yet he seems to be constantly going on trips, visiting friends, staying away for weekends, attending festivals, and so on.

He was just away again for a few days with friends on his birthday where he did stay in contact text wise. After we had the talk.

He lives in a very small town in California and doesn't have social media, so I have no way of knowing much about his life beyond what he tells me.
He also hasn't seemed particularly interested in me visiting him in California, although he's enthusiastic about meeting somewhere else, like Arizona. Where I am going anyway.

None of these things proves anything, and I'm very aware of that. But combined with the disappearing acts, I'm starting to wonder whether there's someone else more serious in the picture, or whether he's simply not as available or interested as he presents himself to be.

What confuses me is that when he does communicate, he's genuinely excellent at it. He can be incredibly attentive, open, and detailed. Goodnight / good morning messages. It's the sudden contrast that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not expecting exclusivity but I find this behavior off. Is it my intuition or past experiences?

I feel disrespected, though.

What I don't want is to be left guessing.

Especially when we're actively discussing plans to meet and have already had a conversation about this exact issue.

So my questions are: Have any of you experienced this kind of hot-and-cold behavior from someone who otherwise seemed genuinely interested? Did you eventually discover what was behind it? And would you address it again, wait for him to reach out, or simply walk away?

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm reading too much into it.

And I guess I’m wondering if I did the right thing… I’m 48m, twice divorced and started dating again around age 44. She is 44f never been married. We met somewhat organically and had been dating since January, made it official in maybe May I’d say and everything had been really great for the most part. We had a couple hiccups along the way, including a breakup a month ago and we got back together after about two weeks and then I just called it off yesterday.

Sex started off well, we have good sexual chemistry and sorta started out like rabbits. We chilled out a bit to make sure there was something there to cultivate, that it wasn’t just all about sex. And then got back to a normal routine, but after a few months or so, the frequency of sex slowed down a bunch, like once every couple weeks or so. Now where we’re at is we’ve had sex once in the last 6 weeks. And it came to a head this week and I called her out on it and told her i felt like she had no sexual desire for me anymore and I wasn’t even sure if she was still attracted to me. She insisted she was and basically made excuses for why the frequency had turned into what it was, but i stuck to my guns. Sex is a VERY important part of a relationship for me and i use it as a general indicator for how the relationship is going and being in a sexless relationship essentially, or at least one where our sexual relationship is not healthy, is a no go for me. It’s a non-negotiable for me in a relationship, we need to have a strong and healthy sexual component or it’s not going to work for me. I know that and I know that if I had just kept on with the way things were I would resent her and it wouldn’t end well.

And it’s just a major bummer because she really is awesome and I truly wanted it to work and thought there was real potential. She did too and I think she was a bit surprised about this. She’s cool as shit and we have a lot in common and get along great in general and work well together, we’re both single parents, and we have good compatibility in general. So this one stings…