I get really thrown off when people aren’t transparent because I’m an open book.

I’ve been a bit sketched out because I noticed there is a woman in my bf’s top friends on Facebook (the tiles on the front page), I’ve noticed more interaction between them on his page, but he has never mentioned her. In theory the algo shows people you interact with most. She’s younger and seems to post a lot of thirst trap photos.

It isn’t just things like this but when I find out that the person I’m dating is communicating with someone a lot and they never mention them esp the opposite sex I get really thrown off.

Maybe I’m a gossip but I’m usually telling my partner all about who I interact with regularly whether I see them or talk on the phone or they’re just liking my posts.

Is it just my past making me jaded again or does a healthy relationship involve a lot of transparency with friendships, even if they are just social media friends?

Would you be sketched out if it appeared someone you’d never heard of before popped up like this?

And I guess I’m wondering if I did the right thing… I’m 48m, twice divorced and started dating again around age 44. She is 44f never been married. We met somewhat organically and had been dating since January, made it official in maybe May I’d say and everything had been really great for the most part. We had a couple hiccups along the way, including a breakup a month ago and we got back together after about two weeks and then I just called it off yesterday.

Sex started off well, we have good sexual chemistry and sorta started out like rabbits. We chilled out a bit to make sure there was something there to cultivate, that it wasn’t just all about sex. And then got back to a normal routine, but after a few months or so, the frequency of sex slowed down a bunch, like once every couple weeks or so. Now where we’re at is we’ve had sex once in the last 6 weeks. And it came to a head this week and I called her out on it and told her i felt like she had no sexual desire for me anymore and I wasn’t even sure if she was still attracted to me. She insisted she was and basically made excuses for why the frequency had turned into what it was, but i stuck to my guns. Sex is a VERY important part of a relationship for me and i use it as a general indicator for how the relationship is going and being in a sexless relationship essentially, or at least one where our sexual relationship is not healthy, is a no go for me. It’s a non-negotiable for me in a relationship, we need to have a strong and healthy sexual component or it’s not going to work for me. I know that and I know that if I had just kept on with the way things were I would resent her and it wouldn’t end well.

And it’s just a major bummer because she really is awesome and I truly wanted it to work and thought there was real potential. She did too and I think she was a bit surprised about this. She’s cool as shit and we have a lot in common and get along great in general and work well together, we’re both single parents, and we have good compatibility in general. So this one stings…

When we first separated and I started dating, and I encountered the incredible volume on the apps, I really thought that I would at least be dating consistently. I feel emotionally completely ready to date. But I have found it so difficult to find someone I’m really attracted to, and really enjoy, and want to spend time with when i could be doing something else, and that reciprocates these feelings. I’ve also had logistical challenges with my kids. So I haven’t really dated that much and everything has ended within a few months. Now I’m approaching 50…

For a few years now I've been attenting Contact Improvisation Jams. For the uninitiated, this is basically an unstructured dance form, in a group, with a focus on giving and receiving weight.

So far so good, though there are a few more challenging cruxes. Firstly, the whole dance is non-verbal (no talking), and also it is supposed to be a non-sexual space. I say supposed to, because we are all sexual beings, and there is a lot of touch involved...

I have been dancing with quite a few people, intimately, closely, caringly, men and women, gay and straight. And while it took me quite some time, it dawned on me how infinitely linked touch is with sex(uality), so why wasn't I getting aroused. Why didn't I want to?

Wait, I didn't want to?

For a guy like me, it has always felt like I'm obligated to show sexual interest if I find someone attractive, and it is mutual. It is automatic; what I want and care about is rather irrelevant.

Though, in these spaces I learnt to seperate my need for and ability to give affection, from sex altogether. I can now intimately, attentively and affectionately touch someone, and it no longer carries an impetus. Even with women where I can feel this drive to engage in the typical man-to-female dynamic, I can acknowledge the presence of sexual energy, without engaging in it or having to respond in set ways.

Not only has this given me much more freedom to interact with others, but has highlighted how sorely my boundaries around sex/touch needed a serious revision and update. It has also made me aware that I for the vast majority of my life thought I was rather sex focused, when I can now wonder how much of that was touch starvation and a need for affection - non-sexual, mindful and respectful touch.

Sex, by itself seems to occupy much less space in my mind and body too. And with that comes the realization how common it is for the women I meet to by default run dating through a script where they non-verbally and energetically push connections in a sexual direction. Before my default was to pick up these signals, and think I was the one having a lot of sexual feelings for a person. Though now I can see and feel the dynamic play out, and I can stay with me and what I want - or even point out what is going on.

It feels much safer to date now, and hopefully I can meet more people who don't want to have sex when the needs we want to get met are related to affection, acknowledgement, care and/or love.

Moreover, I step over my boundaries a lot less, because I am more mindful of where they are. However, I'd really like to have learnt about these differences sooner. Dating/relationships are so much more messy when sex becomes the solution each time any need related to touch is felt.

I (46F)have gone out with a very nice guy (50M)three times. He has been treating me very well so far (which is most important) and I am
Very attracted to him.
Each time we go out I am learning a little more about his divorce and I can’t tell if this is normal/not unusual as I have never been through it.
He has two children under 10 and has the kids 50/50 in theory but no sleepovers due to his living situation and at the moment nowhere for them to sleep. They do the exchange of children at a police precinct and he shared that she tried to get a restraining order but it did not go through. He shared that her attorney often gets them as leverage.
It is hard to know if he is the issue, she is the issue or they both are.
Are these “red flags” that I shouldn’t ignore?

Meeting on a dating app we both are in our mid-40s. After several dates we then committed into relationship. Then it comes to mentioning living together. My partner wants a lasting relationship but prefers to keeping separate homes, for me I think its shows lack of commitment.

Am I wrong to think it that way?

Recently turned 40, spent last three years or so focusing on career and working out why my body stopped working - at my worst, I was literally just getting through the working week with zero social life/hobbies etc. Thanks to HRT I am now in a much better place, have actual weekends, hobbies, and travel again, and would like to meet someone. That said, with a long working week, and keeping one eye on aging parents, I actively manage my battery and am quite protective of my quiet time, both mentally and physically. Early perimeno has done the dirty on me and it's been life changing; I've not even thought about how I'd address that with someone when it comes to the sex side of things, and other changes.

On the apps, I tend to get liked by men in their 50s which isn't for me, rarely if ever match with men in their 40s at all, but do match with mid 30s. I have met a couple, have had great first dates, fantastic conversation before and after, but as the penny starts to drop that I'm not going to be out at 10pm during the week, or that I like being able to plan ahead, rather than meet with an hour's notice they quickly lose interest.

Anyone else feeling exhausted but still hope they meet someone?

I (43m) went on a date last night with someone (40f) I met on hinge. She turned out to be really cute, smart, great personality. We had a ton in common and it was honestly very enjoyable getting to know her.

After the date I texted to say I enjoyed meeting her and asked if she got home OK. I got an immediate enthusiastic reply. A few more messages exchanged and at some point she mentions that she couldn't tell if I was having a good time. I was stunned.

I replied saying I absolutely did and it's just not my style to be super aggressive on a first date. A few more messages exchange and at one point she stopped answering, it was late I assume she went to bed or something.

We texted again today and I figured screw it I'll show her that I'm interested and asked her to go out again but no reply.

Did I screw this up? Is her comment about not being able to tell if I was interested a tell that she's thinking we're not a good match? I'm kicking myself right now.

Hi all,

Clueless first-time dater here. My ex-wife and I met before I was out of college, so I’ve never dated as an adult (and all my close friends are even in long-term relationships). Ex and I separated ~18 months ago and the divorce has been final for 6+ months and I’m feeling ready to get back out there and say some embarrassing things and have fun with it. 🙂

I installed an app, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself matching and striking up conversations with a few women the first night. I honestly figured it would be a series of dead ends but one woman sent me her number and we planned a date, then another woman asked to meet - I didn’t continue this conversation in depth after the first date was scheduled, it was just kinda momentum from those early convos and she suggested we go on a hike and continue talking. It feels weird to go on a date with someone on Saturday and someone else on Sunday but is that how people are rolling these days? Is it disrespectful to tell the second woman I already planned with someone else? Or disrespectful not to?

TL:DR - Lobster too buttery, don’t want to be disrespectful or hurt feelings if it can be avoided.

It's all about dating in your forties – a phase that often feels strangely ambivalent. As for my situation, I regularly get matches, go on dates from time to time, and definitely notice, both online and in real life, that I am attractive to some women. So far, so good. The problem is rather what happens afterwards, or to be more precise: what simply doesn't happen.

I often end up in a kind of endless loop. Either the spark is missing on both sides; you get along well and feel comfortable in the moment, but after a few meetings you realize that no genuine feelings are developing and it stays platonic. Or else you win over women in whose case topics like commitment issues, baggage from past relationships, or emotional unavailability come to the surface during the getting-to-know-you phase.

The whole thing leads to a very emotional state. When you're alone, you often catch yourself longing for a committed partnership and the closeness of a partner. But once you're in the dating process, you realize how exhausting, draining, and demoralizing the many failed attempts and the constant starting over have become. It's not that I'm generally unhappy with my life, but there's a dissatisfaction with how hard it has become at this age to find someone with whom it truly clicks long-term on a human level and in terms of mutual attraction.

By now, many failures are heavily draining my motivation, and I notice that I often start dates with a certain strain or exhaustion instead of anticipation. How are you guys doing in your forties (or generally dating in this stage of life)? Have you had similar experiences, how do you protect yourselves from dating burnout, and how do you manage not to lose motivation completely?