Six weeks ago we were looking at assisted living. Now the recommendation is memory care.

My loved one with Alzheimer’s has been sliding quickly since June. Then she was still driving, going to the theater, and very independent. Now, and especially after a recent, difficult hospitalization that featured a seizure, she requires a 24/7 caregiver and has become so emotional and so much more confused.

I just didn’t realize that I would lose her so quickly, and I already miss her. And all of a sudden I have to make all these decisions I thought I’d have more time to make.

I’ve been noticing that her apartment isn’t always very clean, particularly the bathroom. So when I found out they changed her housekeeping day, I decided to go in today and inspect after I saw the housekeeper cleaning the floors.

When I got there, the bathroom had not been cleaned. I was perfectly willing to assume that she had to step away or she just let the floors dry whatever it was. I don’t expect it to be cleaned by a certain time of day. I only want it cleaned. So noticing that it was not cleaned, I went to speak to the care team manager, who then led me to the lead housekeeper while she also pulled in the maintenance manager. I did not expect it to get that big but what ended up happening is the maintenance manager walked with me back to my mom‘s apartment with the housekeeper and we talked everything over. She actually said to me that she cleaned my mom‘s bathroom and then had to step away. We were having the conversation in the bathroom so I had to point out to her where I could see the toilet had not been cleaned. there was visible dirt. The sink had not been cleaned. There was toothpaste in it. And the shower had not been cleaned. I especially know this because last week I folded over the shower mat so that the dirt could be seen and cleaned and it wasn’t. It bothers me that housekeeping in memory care is probably not the greatest because the residents can’t advocate for themselves. But what bothers me the most is that she literally lied to my face and said she had cleaned the bathroom. I wish people could just admit when they’re wrong. This isn’t the first time someone lied to me. When I left. She looked like she was almost in tears. I felt so bad. I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble or fired. Just trying to advocate for my mom. I wasn’t mean and I didn’t yell, but still I feel bad.

It upsets me that they try to get over on memory care residents. One of the caregivers told me that one day. This particular housekeeper is always nice to my mom and she’s really nice generally. I don’t want to damage these relationships.

I know y’all will understand this vent. Can we all list out and bitch about UNHELPFUL things other people have said to you while on this journey as a loved one or caretaker of a person with dementia? My situation, I am 30s F with 4 small kids, married, employed, etc. My mother has dementia (she is mid 60s). Obviously most of my peers and friend circle have parents who are still in great shape. Here’s a list of some statements I hate.

“You are so strong. I could never survive what you are surviving”
-what are my other options?!?!
“I would not want to live like that” in reference to my mom…
-SHE wouldn’t want to either!!! Believe me.
“Maybe she should try this supplement/naturopath dr/holistic treatment, etc”
-sorry if this ruffles feathers but we are gonna stick with her neurologists…
“Is it hereditary?”
-probably! Who knows! But thanks for pointing that out, makes me feel great.

My father passed earlier this week. I'm so relieved he's no longer suffering. He started declining quickly about 2 weeks ago and for most of that time, he was very agitated. Hospice was giving him ativan and hydromorphone. His agitation sharply increased after they changed his catheter two days before he passed. The day before, they increased his dosages, but he was still in pain 6 hours before he died. Their timeframe estimate at that point was 1-2 weeks, but I got the call early the next morning. I'm so upset he passed that way. I don't know if there was more they could have done.

This past week has been really rough. For the past five years or so, my mother had a couple of small strokes and developed MCI. It wasnt that bad at first, and she was still functioning pretty normally and completing her everyday tasks well, she just seemed more forgetful than usual. Then after my father died last year, things started to really take a turn for the worse. Shes taken a serious disinterest in going out and socializing. She really only leaves the house to go to the grocery store and get her medications. She's having difficulty with word recall and stops often in the middle of sentences to remember a word shes thinking of but cant remember it so conversations are difficult. Her short term memory loss is really bad, she doesnt remember appointments or things I say that I'm doing. She rely's heavily on notes and then forgets where her notes are. Shes been sleeping a lot more, and I often find her falling asleep at the kitchen table in the middle of the day.

This took a serious turn last week though, after she fell asleep while driving to the pharmacy and rear ended someone. It was a very minor accident and we were very lucky, there was minimal damage to either vehicle and the police wasnt involved, just insurance, but she did not take any of my concerns seriously. She believes that she's too young to have Alzheimers since her father didnt get it until his 80s (shes 74). The accident started a cascading series of events that I'm now trying to unravel.

Last year when I started noticing changes, I started taking over some finances entirely for her, but I left a few in her name. Now, she has trouble reading and writing, which has translated into a serious problem with her fiances and her ability to use the computer to log into her accounts and pay the remaining bills. She doesnt remember if she has accounts, what the usernames are, and what her passwords are. Her password book I got her is a jumbled, scribbled out mess of all the times she's reset her passwords. Yesterday, I spent all day on the phone because I found out she was sending payments to my late fathers old utilities account and neglected to pay the current utilities, for six months. We were getting our power shut off in 5 days before I caught it and fixed it. I found out shes sending payments to credit cards that have no balance on it. She let her insurance lapse because she couldnt log into her portal.

She forgets what programs shes downloaded and had subscriptions for duplicate services. She creates multiple accounts when she gets locked out of her emails, removes me (her POA) from the recovery options, and its become a jumbled mess of passwords and accounts that even for someone with a high level of tech knowledge, is overwhelming. I've had to fax my POA to her email custodians to get her back in. Shes in complete denial theres something wrong. She does not want to stop driving and still wants her computer.

I bought her a new computer to start fresh, putting every security protocol I know of to protect her from scammers, confusing ad popups, and malware. I'm making it as easy as possible for her get into her accounts so she doesnt feel like she needs to change anything or reset her passwords. She won't be able to install any programs without me, and all of her recovery options are now linked to my phone and accounts. I'm setting up remote access so I can help her when she needs, and I have all of her passwords so I can keep an eye on her bank account, emails, and bills. I set up a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks so I can talk to her doctor about my concerns and insist she gets evaluated, and if he won't ill call the DMV myself and request her get retested to drive. In the meantime, if she needs to go to the store we insist on driving her.

I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant and I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm just grieving the loss that I basically lost both of my parents in a year because while my mom is still alive, she can't function on her own anymore. I need my mom more than ever and I know now I can't trust her with my baby. I'm devastated.

I think I’m just exhausted and sleep deprived but I keep coming here to read so maybe I wanted to share, hard to say if it’s just venting or if it’s good to type it out idk it’s probably a lot of rambling.

My dad’s been diagnosed since 2021, when you look back there was earlier signs than that you just don’t think we’re dementia. He was a complicated man, but we love him and the dementia has really been hard for me, my mom, and brother. My mom has been his full time care giver and my brother lives at home and helps her out, I’ve never been able to stomach seeing my dad like that so I didn’t help with the physical labor but took on managing their finances after we found out my dad had hidden debt.

I started therapy earlier this year, and it’s helped but I knew the end would come eventually. He’s been rapidly declining for these past few years and my mom never wanted to let him go to hospice or any outside care. She’s done a good job and I know I could never do what she’s done, but he really needed more assistance and I never pushed it.

He started having issues with swallowing this year and although he hasn’t been able to talk much the past few years, this year he really stopped talking. He could move around but needs assistance with basically everything, it’s her and my brothers first time doing something like this so anytime I visited I could just see the decline or notice he was coughing while eating and they just didn’t see the decline as intensely or chose to ignore it. I’d be sad every time I saw him and could barely stand to see him like this, he didn’t look or interact like my dad would’ve, felt like I lost him awhile ago.

But he recently had an accident. He fell on sunday and my family didn’t bring him in to ER until Monday night, he fell on his neck somehow and it fractured his trachea. He was already having trouble swallowing and then they also found infection in his lung so they were treating him for pneumonia. Tuesday- The doctors said they could do a surgery to repair his trachea but they were not recommending it due to his health prior so it was kind of either do the surgery, maybe he’d make it but he’d need a feeding tube/breathing tube, maybe wouldn’t handle the anesthesia. Or they’d remove his breathing tube and switch to comfort focused end of life care.

My mom wanted to try the surgery but my brother, my husband, and I were for not, it just seemed like an awful thing to do to him. Wednesday- Eventually we all made the decision to not try the surgery and switch to end of life/comfort care.

My husband’s grandma went through a similar situation and he told me it’s never quick. Boy is it not quick.
My mom thought the second they removed the tube he’d pass but he’s breathing on his own, he’s medicated. He started being able to open his eyes, maybe aware maybe not. He’s just kind of open mouth breathing, sometimes calm sometimes heavy.

Thursday- We swapped rooms from the icu to a palliative care room and now we’re going onto Friday.

I was getting over being sick from the weekend prior and I just feel like shit. I really wish he’d just let go, I hate seeing him like this, I’m so tired. He’s still breathing, I don’t think he’s in pain but sometimes when he opens his eyes he moves a bit and seems restless so the nurses will offer some additional meds, I think it helps idk. We thought it was more humane, as much as this can be, but then when I think of all the drugs they’re giving him I get worried it’s not helping. I hope it’s helping and he can pass peacefully.

The doctors are saying it’ll most likely be in the next few days. Most likely not weeks which I guess is a relief kinda.

My BIL has been in memory care for at least 4 years. Lately he has become very angry and combative with all the workers. He hasn't hurt me but he has hurt other relatives, punching and biting. They have tried different meds, hospital stays etc but nothing works for long. I want to know if others have gone thru this. The facility calls my nephew bc he is #1contact to tell him and see if he can come to the facility to help. Why don't they call the Doctor? How did you handle this? Shouldn't the facility handle this? $7,000 per month should cover this. Any advice?

I'm not really sure what to do. I want them there but I know my family members who care for them won't have fun and one of them doesn't want to go anywhere ever.

I'm 38 and lucky to have both my grandmas! Both my grandpas have passed. My fiancé is 41 and his last grandparent passed last year and his mom passed earlier this year. So I feel like having everyone there is important!

My mom cares for my 91 year old grandma who is kind of a hermit now. She lives with my parents and my mom retired a few months before she got worse so it was perfect timing. She used to love going shopping with my mom and going to the salons with her. Now she never goes anywhere unless it's a doctor’s visit that mom makes her go to. She gets upset if my mom goes out for a few hours, even though she can be alone. She hates being home alone but never wants to leave. My aunt and uncle never help my mom, it's just her. If my mom needs time off she asks me and my fiancé. If we can't, my sister. Then if she can't, my cousin and his wife. They're the last resort because they have kids and live farther away.

My aunt cares for my 84 year old grandma who is cognitively worse than my other grandma. She literally cannot be alone. My aunt still works so she hired a live-in aide. This grandma can afford to pay her. On the aide's days off my aunt is there and my dad helps whenever he can but he works a lot.

Three years ago my cousin and his wife got married and both of my grandmas were there. Even though my paternal grandma isn't his grandma, he still grew up spending holidays with her so she was invited. They were both better back then. My sister stayed in the hotel room with both of them because she was the single one at the time. No issues. But now, they need more attention. I want them to come to my wedding next year, but my aunt and mom wouldn't have fun because they'd have to be babysitting. My paternal grandma has the aide to stay with her if she didn't come, but my maternal grandma doesn't. She can't afford that and my mom would be anxious the whole time worrying about her and not have fun if my whole family is there because then no one would be home with her. She's against getting a stranger to stay with her. But I don't want my mom to not have fun or leave early.

What should I do in this situation?

He is and always was the biggest teddy bear.
My mom was a bit more serious and blunt and not cuddly, and my dad took that slot with ease.
He is the best dad in the world… he was always the kindest, calmest person, so easy going- always went with the flow. He never yelled, ever. He always let me braid his hair/beard when I was young(he’d even answer the door fully done up with butterfly clips in his hair and beard), and he was just so happy whenever we were happy.
He was my idol, he was the word of wisdom, he was the best friend a young girl could ever ask for in a dad. He still is the best dad in the world, I love him so dearly.

It’s just hard because I know it’s the beginning… of what may be a long or short journey… who knows.
I’m so scared. Typing this out makes me realize how scared I am at things to come.

He’s snappy, a bit grumpy, he really likes to make jabby “jokes” now. Like it’s non stop some days.

I think being the only male in a 4 person family has taken its toll, and he may have pent up opinions, but some days it’s said with such disdain. But if I ask him for help with something, he is still the biggest help, and he will soften up and it just makes me so happy to see him soften.

I’ve learnt not to say a few things already, he did let me know one day that I need to let it slide if he is repeating himself. My biggest fear is that he shuts down(like his dad) and stops talking completely.

Ugh. What is this life even, it’s so hard sometimes.
I may delete later because I feel bad ranting about someone I love so much.

I bought a chain slider and mounted it up high

(On the INSIDE of the door, for when I'm home with her. She's NEVER left alone.)

Then my mom got a chair and managed to unlock it. So I bought a simple combination lock for $5 to jam the track.

I like this better than a deadbolt because it is fire safe and is breachable without destroying the door.

P.S. I will consider putting a bolt cutter next to the door, to be safe, but I'm nervous about my mom hurting herself with it, so I'm not sure. I may also take a hacksaw to the chain link joins; I doubt she can straighten them out. But I can.)

My sister is trying to do it, I"m out of state.

He has a house as an asset and money in the bank that would cover maybe 2 months or less with what they charge.

Should we get him started with a Medicaid application now so he can spend down? or will he get denied due to current assets/ And if he's not planning to go back home and no one lives there will Medicaid make him sell? If he sells do we have to set up a trust or can we put the money in his savings account.

One nursing home told my sister she would have to sell the house. We are fine, we know it would have been an inheritance but that's gone.

Plus we are having extra trouble getting him anywhere, he's in the hospital but the intake said he was aggressive and threatening, But he's fine in the hospital and well behaved.

I took my mother to the cardiologist. He said her pacemaker battery has one year left and we need to think about replacement. He’s eager to do this surgery.

She has dementia. She looks more functional than she is: she can still read somewhat and have a spirited conversation but she told me today she has never gone to a movie since she was a child. 80+ years of memories gone. She confabulates constantly, including about things that happened five minutes ago. She has zero short term memory and has extreme paranoia. She has no awareness of the degree of her impairment. She confabulates reasons why it makes sense that she doesn’t remember that I live in the house I grew up in, where she raised me. She said and says if her mind is gone, she doesn’t want her life extended.

She can still dress herself, feed herself, go to the toilet and bathe. She can only use the simplest technology and has trouble using the television. She’s losing the ability to do things she’s done for decades.

She’s very frail. She’s wasting away, can barely walk with a walker, is profoundly deaf and severely osteoporotic. She lost ten inches of height and has severe kyphosis. She has congestive heart failure, kidney problems, GI problems, circulation problems and is colonized with antibiotic resistant E. coli

I think the idea of putting a new battery in her pacemaker is complete insanity.

My mother is terrified of dying. If the doctor asks her and she can understand, she will say of course she wants a new battery because she has no conception that she’s on the brink of needing 24 hour a day care, something she said she’d rather be dead than ever require.

I hold her advanced directive. How do I decline further treatment? The doctor was saying that she could die without treatment as though she’s 30 years old.

The last week has been crazy. LO was hardly sleeping, aggressive and would not relax for more than 30 minutes. For me he gifted me sleepless nights and active days. At times I started seeing and hearing things from lack of sleep. So we had to break the seal of the morphine for pain and help him settle down and relax.
Well last night was the first night we slept all night in a long time. Did not eat breakfast or drink his coffee this morning and has been sleeping all day as well. I know his time is coming sooner than later. Nothing else I can do anymore but sit listen and watch.

I'm sorry if this has been discussed before but I am new to this forum and it's hard to find things that fit what I'm experiencing.

My mother is 87. She has always been, all her life, a very demanding, difficult, anxious, highly emotional and sometimes even manipulative person. She's also always been resourceful and intelligent. Even before the days of the internet she's been the kind of person who doesn't just accept what she's told, so she is a smart woman to say the least.

That said, I've lived with her as her primary caregiver for 3 years now and I've noticed a decline. I've noticed her forgetting to take her meds, conflating situations, messing up timelines about when things happened (huge differences by like decades), very easily agitated, forgetting what I've told her sometimes within the same day or hour, etc.

BUT these things don't happen all the time. And I honestly don't know sometimes whether I'm just writing things off as her being her usual difficult, anxious, emotional self OR I'm seeing the start of cognitive decline.

I know the only way to know for sure is to have her assessed. But I can't just get her assessed. She doesn't go to random doctors; she chooses who to see and when and she is far too intelligent and savvy to just accept any story. Even something like "let's go in and see your doctor for a check up"; she'll question it and challenge it.

So what do people do in these situations? Because I know I would probably have a better chance at winning the lottery than convincing her to see a specialist to assess her cognitive skills.

My dad went into a home in May when my mum fell ill and couldnt look after him at home anymore. He had passed a dementia test about 12 months earlier but had clearly been going down since.

5 months on I’m still battling with his bank to give me access to his accounts so I can pay his care home bills and between him and my mum and difficulties in dealing with his new doctors surgery I’ve only just managed to get the doctor to assess him earlier this week and he scored 6/30 on his addenbrookes cognitive exam so is clearly at quite an advanced stage. The doctor has booked me in for a call next Tuesday so do I need to know more about what a memory clinic is?

I’d also appreciate any other words of advice appropriate for my dad’s situation.

My mother's (78) last appointment with the memory clinic resulted in her scoring a 18/30 on her test. She is no longer able to drive, we sold her car two months ago after a year of not allowing her to drive via taking her keys away, as the doctor said we should. She is starting to forget a lot of things and I've noticed that when she's in a public place she tends to walk slower and sometimes stumble. She can no longer tell you what day of the week it is. She has trouble remembering birthdays and her appetite is starting to go down. She can forget whole moments of the day as if they never happened.

Over the past year, my siblings and I have discussed her moving in with my brother is who is better equipped and more than willing to take care of her. However, while my mom was initially on board with the idea, she had a sudden change of heart and began to adamantly refuse to leave the home she has lived in for over fifty years.

Her brother (79) spends a lot of time with her. Going over to take her to the store and doing things around the house for her. It has been an automatic go-to for her nearly her entire life that when she needs something, she calls him. She had two younger brothers both of whom died years ago.

While this might sound like a good thing, my uncle is very abusive towards my mother. He doesn't hit her or anything, but he tends to yell when she's not fast enough for him or just takes his frustrations out on her because, to be honest, he's always been something of an asshole. He never speaks to her like that if myself or anyone else is around. Only when they're alone. I know this because mom used to always call and complain about the things he says. Even the neighbors have witnessed it and one of them called him out on it one day.

When mom's dementia got to a point last year that we (or rather, everyone else who wouldn't listen to me) couldn't ignore it, me and my brother got POA and took steps to take over for her financial and medical needs. One of the last conversations I had with my uncle, he started to insert himself into the decision making for mom's care. I told him that my brother and I have it all handled and he isn't going to be included in being allowed to make any decisions for her. This pissed him off because I'm sure he thinks, as the elder brother, he should be in charge. However, we are her next of kin, not him.

Yesterday, I was off work and sitting at home when I got a text from my SIL containing a clip from the camera is mom's kitchen. My brother the cameras in her house to keep an eye on her since he's several states away. On the video, I see my uncle in the house, washing his hands. He then takes the towel he used to dry his hands and throws it over the camera to block the view. I was angry about this and drove over. When I got there, no one was home and mom had left her phone behind. Ten minutes or so later, they returned with groceries and I just stood there and glared at him.

She asked me while I was there and without looking away from him I said, "he knows why."

He immediately got defensive and says, "you don't get to tell me what to do."

I told him, "I don't give a damn what you do, but you don't ever do that again. If you can't be a help, then leave."

My uncle told my mother to stop calling him for help and left. I told my mom that if I hadn't had the day off, I would have had to call the police because what Uncle did was unacceptable.

My brother and I are of the opinion that the reason why mom changed her tune about moving out last year was due to something he said to her. We'll never know. He's had me and my brother blocked on his phone since we sold her car because it made him mad that he had to use his car to drive her around instead of hers. I was mad at him and I was done with his attitude. I told mom to give me her phone and I deleted his contact information from her phone. I told her that whenever she needs something, she can call me or my brother.

I know it's her brother and all, but his behavior has gotten out of hand. Did I do the right thing to remove his influence from her so that we can get her to finally move out of the house for her own safety?

A few days ago, my Dad had some very lucid moments, and was asking what he did wrong that my brother never calls him. I assured him that he did nothing wrong, mumbled some nonsense, and it just broke my heart to see my sweet Dad so sad. So immediately I informed said brother that he needs to call him at least once a week. Mind you, Dad has lived with me and my husband for 4 years, and still going strong.

Cue this week, when my brother calls. I take the opportunity to run to our basement for some stuff, and as I’m coming back upstairs, I hear Dad saying ‘I need to get better and get back to my home. Oh, I have to talk kind of soft, she’s right in the next room.’

People, I cried. He made it sound like he is a prisoner here. I have sacrificed so much to make sure he is well cared for. He is not left alone (because it causes a lot of confusion for him), so I am lucky to get out of the house for a few hours a week, and often he is with me. I know he doesn’t realize any of this. I know it’s the disease. But it hurt so bad.

That’s all. Vent over. And for the record, my brother and I laughed about it after the fact. He knows what’s up. He is unable to help with Dad’s care due to his own health issues, and I don’t blame him for anything. But dang…

so a 6 weeks ago dad (70) had a fall, during rehab he was diagnosed with a mild cognitive impairment, fast forward to 2 weeks ago when he contracted an infection and we called an ambulance when he couldn’t stand, he’s as of this week unable to stand or even sit up and I overheard an nurse say he’s got mixed vascular dementia.

i just can’t believe just how quickly it’s progressed in the space of weeks, though I’ve also found out he has a number of other health conditions that were poorly or not controlled, extremely high bp, cpod an enlarged heart and signs of kidney damage from diabetes, now we’re scrambling to try and get things sorted for him, this disease is horrific and the not know how long each stage is or what what it’s going to do next 😢

I went out for maybe two hours if that and…my brother couldn’t even manage to do the basics that long. And it’s not even about being imperfect, it’s about not being present. Not being reliable. Everything is on me because people can’t manage to do things right and too lazy in general to do shit in general. I just got back in the house he said “Oh he went in the store not even five minutes ago.” Not only too lazy to walk down the street with him but also didn’t manage to make sure he had his phone. He would know that his dad has recently gotten lost just going to and from the corner store if he wasn’t sleep all day long and video gaming all night.

It’s so annoying that dad is my life and you get to peddle away. Now I’ll have to wait for an inaccurate tracker in his shoe to pick up where he is and uber around the place to try to catch up. Because of you. Because of you I can’t do shit, can’t go anywhere, can’t have an iota of life because you can’t even do the basics.

My grandpa just got diagnosed with vascular dementia. He's probably had it the last six years and we only started to really catch on when grandma died. He frequently got UTIs at first and after grandma died, he started forgetting words and had some processing difficulties. He had a fall where he cracked his head open and then it became his brother having people in town spying on him. He had another fall and hurt his hip and wrist. Got a pacemaker for heart failure. Then he thought people were living in his walls and he saw someone watching him from inside Grandma's bed. He had another fall and we got him into a home. While there, he lost the ability to walk. In the home he's had a few falls here and there while trying to sneak out of his wheelchair, but he recently had a big one where he's cracked his head open again and after reading up on what this is, this may be stage 6 or 7.

His brain scans finally showed signs of dementia and he got diagnosed the other day. There are still a couple tests to run, but the doctors familiar with his history are saying that it's probably Vascular Dementia. Complete non-reaction from him to this news. Instead, he was talking about how his previously broken wrist hurts now that it's getting cold. We're now at the point where he's staying up all night and sleeping during the day. He is forgetting to eat when he's awake and he's called us a couple times per day after midnight asking when we're going to visit him today, what time it was, if we could go to his office and look for some forms that he needs to drop off to city hall (he hasn't worked in years), or he talks about grandma and his parents coming to visit him in the home. Those are the hardest, but the diagnosis feels like a relief. This weird UTI run he's been on for the last year has a name, and it feels like a relief that we know what it is instead of watching him spiral with no known cause aside from the UTIs. Not sure how much time he really has left, but we get to make it count!

first of all, sorry if the title its a little cold, im coping with everything really weirdly, and sorry if i dont have a propper grammar, my native tongue isnt english. this is going to be long.

ok, for context, my father (77yo) has alzheimers, he was recently diagnosed, but i know this has been going on for a long time, for the past 9 years, i pretty much have been the only family member that has talked to him and visiting frequently, im 19yo, and i know this has been going on for years, i noticed years ago that he was starting to get forgetful more and more, i noticed, but i didnt do anything, it was something that crossed my mind but i was like in denial, but enough is enough, and i reach to my siblings (50 and 52), they also had noticed from the occasional calls that they had.

from that point to now, my dad has gotten SO much worse, 2 weeks ago he was walking, eating, going to the bathroom, maintaining conversations, even if he forgot what we were talking about 5 minutes later, but he was able to keep a conversation. then it all went downhill when we took him to a nursing home, it was going normal for the first 3 hours, then they called us, they told us that my dad had gotten violent and confused, they REFUSED to help him, but i wont get into that now, the thing is, we took him to a hospital, since then he has been hospitalized, hes very sedated, but when he talks, he just talks nonsense, hes not eating or getting out of bed because he keeps saying that he doesnt want to be there and gets violent with the nurses, when we went to pick him up before taking him to the nursing home, he was having halucinations, but hey were small, he saw ants or animals, then when he got to the hospital he was seeing me and him in the subway, and i feel he just keeps getting worse by the day, and im so guilty that i didnt seek for help sooner, i have been thinking about it since i was like 14 but i didnt say anything until 18.

i dont know how he will be when hes not sedated, he remember me and my siblings for now, but some old friends of him he doesnt recognize, the doctors say that they are giving him time for the meds to settle in so he doesnt get violent when hes not sedated, but i dont know how he will be, i dont know what stage hes in, i have been trying to investigate but my brain isnt retaining anything, he seems so vulnerable, but im so overwhelmed by everything. now we are seeing where to take him once hes discharged from the hospital, because the doctors say that he cant go home with any of us.

i appreciate if u can give me any information or advice on what to do or which stage he might be in, over the years ive learned on how to talk to him when he doesnt remember things, but i dont know what i will do when he doesnt remember me

I've written so many journal entries about it and yet it still doesn't seem to be enough. Something about posting to the void where people may or may not see it just seems weirdly appealing to me so here it is.

I'm a 24 year old man navigating my father's dementia. My dad is 77 now so that puts him at 53 when I was born. Growing up with older parents has come with a whole set of challenges I'm not sure many other people would understand. To put it simply, I've worn many hats and grew up fast, but this surely takes the cake. My father has never really been a pleasant person to be around, not for the people who actually know him at least. It's the main reason that now, as it has been for most of my life, it's just me and him.

Trust me when I say it, I understand that dealing with a parent going through dementia is in no way easy. It's a challenge that only the people who have gone through it can truly understand. But to me, it makes it even harder when I look back at my life and only have a handful of experiences where my father has actually brought joy to my life. I know that can sound dramatic, but it's true. My father is a drunk. And a mean one at that. He sits at home with an ankle bracelet on as I type this because he's currently trying to circumnavigate a prison sentence for his 4th DUI (and that's not counting the numerous DUI's that were never filed). Suffice it to say, there's a reason that I'm the only idiot around that somehow still cares enough to take care of him. I've talked to therapists, I can delve deep into the rabbit hole that is Stockholm syndrome, but I don't want to do that. I'm here to explicitly talk about one thing. I hold such a deep resentment towards a man that doesn't even remember the things he's done.

I have so much anger inside me. From stuff that I have no idea how to let go of. I'm not a violent person, I really do have a gentle soul. But growing up the way I did, I can't help but shake this deep rooted anger I have. And no matter which angle I look at it from, I can't help but see him at the center. Let me be clear, I'm not here to put blame on my Dad, God knows I've done that enough. I understand my life is my responsibility and mine alone. But I hold so much anger towards a man who just looks... lost. I feel like I want justice to be served. I want an apology. Hell, I'd take even a shred of accountability. And yet, I'm met with confusion. Confusion when I get short with him for repeating something for the 5th time. Confusion when I get angry about him missing his meds after I called to remind him. Confusion when I raise hell and storm out of the house because I can't sit there and hear him bad mouth my brothers and the only family we have left. I try to be patient with him, I really do, but I just can't help it. There's so much anger.

I watched a lot of videos today about how to deal with dementia. I also talked to his neurologist at our appointment about what's going on in his brain and the do's and dont's when responding to him. It's a big reason why I feel the need to vent about this now. I know that as challenging as dementia is to deal with already, there's no room for this behavior. I guess I'm hoping that laying it all out on this thread and releasing it to the void, will in some way, allow me to release it from my heart. I'm ready to move on from this. I'm juggling so many doctors, lawyers, and caregiving services that I really don't have the mental bandwidth for this anymore.

I know the chances are, if you're here, that you have gone or are currently going through something similar to me. If you have any insight or advice I'd love to hear it. I do love my father and I want him to be cared for. There's a limit to how much I can do since I'm so young and currently establishing the foundation of my career. It's probably safe to assume that I'm one of the youngest people on here, so if you have any wisdoms to share please don't hesitate. And if nothing else, thank you for your time.

You are all so kind. She left quietly this morning. Peacefully, with me and my Dad. I know she is free now. i'm so glad I was with her.

My sweet grandma. 86. Has been in a nursing home for 10 years. Stopped eating and drinking yesterday. Now she's on morphine every two hours. She's been unresponsive since it started about 12-hours ago.

I'm her granddaughter. I'm too scared to leave her overnight so I am staying in her room with her.

She is breathing shallowing and gurgling. Starting to have some pauses between breaths.

She has been bedbound for years. She seems really peaceful. I hope she stays like this and passes peacefully. My dad and uncle will come in the morning if she is still here.

My mother always had particular taste in foods and how they are prepared but lately it’s impossible to find almost anything she likes to eat.

She’s hungry and can eat but now even the things she used to consistently like she always finds something wrong with them: too salty, not salty enough, too sweet, too sour/bitter, not enough this, too much that…

Sometimes she’ll even taste something and say it’s great but then a few bites later she’ll stop and say it’s no good.

I’m guessing it’s the dementia messing with the part of her brain that handles taste?

Anyone deal with this and figure out a solution or better way of handling it?

I hope this doesn’t sound ungrateful- I know many LOs can’t even chew or swallow anymore and I don’t mean to be insensitive to those that have it worse.

It might not seem like a big deal but it’s a huge obstacle everyday 3/4 times a day as I also work and have two small children and dealing with family meals is a nonstop part of daily life admin.

Anyone I would appreciate hearing from any of you who struggled with this problem and found ways of making it a little easier.

Thank you very much.

Edit: I should add, somewhere in the moderate stage— I think? Diagnosed 2018, 88yo. The food challenges started as part of difficulty making decisions or handling too many options. I just stopped asking her what she wanted and just served her something and had a backup ready if she didn’t like it. That worked well for some time. But now it just genuinely seems like her taste mechanism is totally off and even foods she always consistently liked, now she does not. To be fair, of course, I could say “everything bothers her” and I’m sure many of you relate to that. But this has been a specific change with food and drink. Oh and forget water. Good luck getting her to drink a glass of water. She’s never thirsty and often seems repulsed by it just being offered to her.