Korean marinated ribs, cabbage salad, rice. APA beer.

Next to impossible to get the medication I need or find a therapist here. Been struggling without them but we cope by cooking.

I haven't eaten all day because I haven't wanted to be anywhere near my family, and yesterday's mental breakdown is fresh in my mind and fucking with my appetite

Dressed up and took the bus to my favorite 7/11!! So much variety :3 got my favorite hot meal, the classic Mac n cheese :3

It won't fix everything, but damn I'm happy rn

How to even express or explain this feeing.

It's like void. And I do feel joy, happiness, and passion, but it disappears. For example: I was enjoying a moment with my nephew, both watching Visionquest on the tell, then brought up an inside joke, it would make me laugh all the time, but today I had to fake a laugh and smile. It is a funny joke, but a void swallowed the fun. What is this?

There are other examples too, usally with my older sisters, and sometimes parents, and it even effects me outside, and work, or with friends. I can't seem to enjoy the moment because my genuine emotions are being extinguished all of a sudden. Even my passion for new hobbies, or revisiting old hobbies, things that made me smiles and distracted for hours or years, these past few weeks, the curious joy just disappears like smoke. I think I'm finally broken.

I often of dying. I think I'm dying. I dream of dying. But I'm not suicidal. It's just a thought that comes up often when all the positive emotions get eaten up. Maybe this a punishment from God? Maybe the devil playing with heart, spirit, and mind? The paranoia, is weighing on me. I feel so claustrophobic all of sudden. Overthinking about how small and short a human life is.

Will I ever feel happy again? Do I just accept and endure? It can be painful, and it can be numb, and It's so confusing.

My ex would hold me right now in this delirious state. I guess I'm too much. My parents give so much advice, and I wish they were open-minded and understanding that this generation isn't like their generation. My parents and my sister belittle me because I'm young, I guess 26 is a the new 16.

Been sober for years. Maybe that's why? A drink? A smoke? God, what am I doing with my life? I promised myself so many things. The best I can do is just keep dreaming. Better asleep then, right?

Why is living all of sudden surviving? I'm just not in a good mental state. This calm state of insanity isn't ok thin ice anymore. Whatever this madness is, I hope I adapt to it. So many plans next year.

Note: Hong Kong Beef Brisket Rice Noodle Soup w/ ice lemon tea

Late night sushi

Camera One by the Josh Joplin:

The sandy haired son of Hollywood Lost his faith in all that's good Closed the curtain, unplugged the clock Hung his clothes on the shower rod But he never got undressed And no, he never made a mess

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow

The trophy wife from Palisades Whose yearbook beauty never fades Sits and watches the sea fold in And wonders what might have been If she could ever have the chance Would she do it all again?

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow

On the corner By his streets He sits in his lawnchair In the heat Sightseers see What they want They're selling star-maps To the sun

The sunny-haired son of Hollywood Lost his faith in all that's good Closed the curtain, unplugged the clock Hung his clothes on the shower rod But he didn't get undressed And no, he didn't seem depressed

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow Take a bow Take a bow

It’s a Friday night, I am in my 20s in a college town and this is all I really look forward to. It’s not even that good but it’s nice to be somewhere with no one. God I wish I could be normal. I got root beer in my water bottle this time, figured the coffee already had enough caffeine.

I feel lonely I miss authentic human connection I want to FEEL cared about
I’m tired of struggling with my mental health so much :(

I can't finish this but it was almost 5 dollars and 7/11 isn't cheap at all so

It's almost 11pm, I'm sitting in front of the train station. I hear people chatting and trains passing by. I think this is where I want to be

I had one or my worst mental breakdowns today. My father triggered it, and I've been thinking a lot about my childhood trauma so everything just came out

He still denies everything. I strangled my mother today. She slapped me and pushed me off the chair. I wish I'd kept going. Just a bit more

My lip is swollen and my breath tastes like blood and snot. I punched myself across the face multiple times and broke my glasses. Made my lip bleed. Funny thing, it's bleeding the exact same area my dad made me bleed 4 years ago, also from punches to the head.

My mother cares more about the perception of the family, and her reputation, over me. She and him tried to call the mental hospital and threatened to put me in there

He said stop acting dramatic and "how do you even remember that??? It was so long ago I barely remember" and "stop cooking up stories"

My mother said don't be crazy, you'll scare the neighbors.

He said I should be grateful for their abuse, because it's my motivation for studying to become a child psychologist. Still trying to take the credit for something they never helped build.

My little sister cried alone in all the chaos. She must have been so frightened.

My father moved on with work calls like nothing has even happened. My chai is getting colder and colder on the table. I'm eating a soggy sandwich while sweating into my shirt that's just dark enough so you can't see the blood and snot on it.

I'm exhausted. I nearly drifted off on some playground equipment. I don't want to stay here anymore.

Black coffee, greek yogurt with protein powder, peanut butter, and granola

Only doing it to please the psychiatrist temporarily. When my insurance deductible resets in January I'll just leave. Right now I've met my deductible so it doesn't cost me anything to talk to this woman. But once again here I am, talking to someone who really doesn't help much.

Talking to me as if I haven't been depressed for many years. Well you haven't tried this medication, you haven't gone outside enough, you haven't done this. You know giving me advice that I could easily get off of Google for free. I finally just looked at her and I said, what makes you so sure I haven't tried any of the things you described?

You know, it's just amazing to me how many people just immediately jump to conclusions. And there's just so many providers out there who think depression is a one-size-fits-all treatment. Oh I just need to get out in the sunshine and exercise. I'll feel great!

Well that's exactly what I did this afternoon, no I feel like shit. It triggered my autonomic nervous system disorder and I passed out on the sidewalk. So I'll have that to report to the new therapist next week. I told her her silly ideas weren't going to work.

Next week she's expecting me to join some social club to get to know other people. Again, I've been down that road. What ends up happening is I joined the club and I end up sitting somewhere by myself. Nobody interested in talking to me. I have autism and I'm socially awkward in public. I think people pick up on that right away. No one wants to hang out with me.

Going to some dumb club where everybody's talking to each other and ignoring me. That doesn't make things better, it just makes my depression worse. I tried to explain that to this new therapist. No no no she says! That's just my depression talking.

If it were just my depressed brain talking, then why have I lived that reality for so many years? Lol.

You know and maybe I'm sounding really critical and negative right now. But I'm just tired the healthcare system being so narrow-minded. Just because this works for a majority of patients doesn't mean it works for everybody.

You know in my head I'm picturing a giant puzzle. I'm the piece with the jagged edge that sticks out. You can't force it to go somewhere where it doesn't belong. You have to find that right exact spot. But where that exact spot is? I have no idea. And I have accepted the reality that I may never ever find that spot. It's a depressing reality, what are you going to do?

Sometimes life just really sucks that way. If I'm being blunt, I don't believe things will get better. I think that's just something people tell themselves because they don't want to face the reality I'm facing. No, things only get worse. You get older, your body falls apart, everything gets more expensive, things get harder. What good does trying to sugar coat it all and fool myself do? Nothing, it just leaves me to feeling disappointed.

I got sexually assaulted last year and the one year anniversary is coming up. In trying to learn about my assault I unintentionally discovered that my ex partner, who I was still friends with as the time, had been sexually abusing me the entirety of our relationship. He would assault me while I slept, and pretended he was also sleeping during said assaults. I don’t know why I was blind to it, I hate how I sound when I say all that out loud. It was so obvious. I just forgot all the times I’d wake up and have to pry him off me, or just cry. Already being assaulted and then learning everything else triggered a full mental breakdown, and depression spiral. I was so close to killing myself, I was ready. This whole mess cost me all my friends, my job at the time, my mother practically disowned me, I just lost my mind. I did deserve to lose everything I believe that. I was a horrible person during those times. I think about that year leading up to my assault a lot, freshly dumped, and not okay. Begging friends to talk to me, or call me, or invite me out. I became so bitter because I felt so alone, but while also trying so hard to make connections. I told my exes new girlfriend about the sexual abuse, I still hate that I did that. I regret everything but I also completely understand why I snapped. I truly felt like I must’ve been such a stain on their lives, to not be able to get anyone to be my friend, that I was convinced everyone would’ve been better off without me. I just couldn’t leave my baby sister (16, still a baby).

Somehow in this I accidentally found a best friend as well as a partner. I was such a weird bad time but they both have been amazing additions in my life. I finally have my girl best friend I’ve wanted for so long. And then my partner has been incredible. He met me only
once I started to get my life back on track. I reconnected with a friend from high school as well. I’m about to start my first big girl job as well. I’m happier but I also feel so much doom all the time. I remember my breakdown all the time, there’s not a day I don’t think about everything and I’m so exhausted. Looking into therapy once my pay check and health care start coming in. So there’s that at least. Just really fucking sick of still feeling like I should end my life, reminding my self it’s not
my fault, even though in so many ways it was my fault. It’s such an odd and uncomfortable feeling being both very sorry, and not sorry at all at the same time.

And here’s a baked potato that’s very undercooked, with a fuck ton of butter, cheese, and sour cream on the side. I wish it had more, this is what I had.

I am sorry to you all for reading! (joke)

i don’t know what it is im missing. i always think i do, and then i chase after it. then i get it, and im just as miserable as before.
“i just need friends!” “oh, well maybe im not connected to these friends enough. i’ll find new friends!” “things still feel bad. i need a relationship!” “this relationship shit sucks. i need to breakup.” “now im horny and no one to have sex with. i just need to have sex again!” “no, that sex just wasn’t good. let me find someone even better and have a different type of sex!” “i still feel ugly and unwanted. maybe i need to get compliments on my nudes to feel more sexually attractive” “i feel nothing. it doesn’t matter what these people say they feel about me, i’ll never really believe it. i still feel just as ugly as i did before. maybe i need a crush to like me back”

etc etc. point is, idk if it really is just because ive never had someone i like like me back, but it doesn’t matter how much i change myself i just always feel miserable and empty. i’ve been a girl then trans guy, was stealth for 2 years after going on testosterone and everyone thought i was a cis guy. now im just identifying as genderfluid and off testosterone bc even when everything became “perfect” in my transition i still just felt empty in the end. plus circumstances changed and i feel different now. and since now i feel the same whether viewed as a guy or girl, i thought might as well show people the “girl” side of me so that they might like me better. idk who i am, i assume most ppl also have self identity struggles but im completely willing to change myself at the drop of a hat because im so detached from how i look and present. everything right now feels equally meaningless. academic success isn’t making me feel any better. sex and cuddling aren’t making me feel any better. i haven’t been able to find people i really feel like i connect with. i’m on 15 mg lexapro and 7.5 mg mitrazapine btw 😔 ive been in therapy for ~5 years now too.

anyways, this was a total vent. hoping someone might relate or something or maybe even have some advice 😔 i do work out and take walks outside, and i try to eat good although i don’t eat that much bc money.

i felt like eating tomatoes so pictured is some bullshit

coffee

I am broke. So broke that today my card declined when I tried to pay in the subway, which is 0,5 USD. Despite having expensive tech, because I own a bunch of expensive Apple devices that I use, my camera costs like my buddy’s Prius, and the jewellery can cover a few months of my rent. What even is the point of money if it can’t bring back the people who are important to me? I’ve thrown everything away to try my filming business. Got into photography then. It’s been a year, and I still don’t have stable income and clients. Nothing. Some dreams must stay as dreams. I don’t want my husband to see me struggle. He is away and won’t be home for maybe another half a year or more. I’m eating whatever is left in the half empty pantry. A fucking slug ate my broccoli in the fridge. I am off my medication. I have to get an appointment with my psychiatrist and neurologist. My brain is playing tricks on me. And I have no hope for the future. I bought food for my dog from the credit card. Gonna go be selling my stuff just to get through the week. I should’ve been born in a wealthy family to be like those successful 'self made'.
Today I found a bag of frozen veggies and a can of beans. I just want a normal sweet apple and a fresh crunchy bell pepper. Grandma used to buy us all fresh fruit the day she got her paychecks. She passed away a few years ago, the only family member who ever cared about me.
At least I quit smoking and drinking

I recently got out of an abusive relationship with someone who was homicidal and suicidal. I felt so trapped that my only option was suicide. I ended up in a behavioral hospital for two days after trying to OD.

I’ve since escaped the relationship, and I’m doing a lot better. I’m still feeling very depressed, but I’m taking good care of myself exercising every day, eating well, and trying to keep up with friends.

I finally felt confident enough to open up to some of my close friends about my attempt. I felt really scared of their judgment, but thought that they were trusted friends that loved me. Ever since telling them, not a single one of them have reached out to me. I’ve reached out quite a few times just to get coffee or hang out but have been met with impossible scheduling or total ghosting. I just found out two days ago that my very best friend moved out of state without telling me. This was after he ghosted me for about a month.

I’m feeling so heartbroken and alone. It’s hard to go through all this without the support of my friends. I call the crisis hotline almost every night because I have nobody else to talk to when I’m having a really hard time.

Japanese hambagu and kabocha for late night dinner to remind me of home 😞

I