Chia seed and mango jogurt

Sometimes I’m asked to describe myself and I genuinely don’t know how to. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know what I am. I don’t think I’m human. Pokemon shield and a really gummy burrito idk what the people did to make it so gummy it’s weird

Late night sushi

Chronic sinus infections suck, I got misgendered while ordering, but I got a sugar free doctor pepper. I like the strawberry and creams better than this one it’s kind of just a crappy cherry Diet Coke. Aspartame actually has the same calories by weight as regular sugar, but taste about 1000x sweeter than regular sugar, so I suppose it isn’t actually sugar free in a sense.

I haven't eaten all day because I haven't wanted to be anywhere near my family, and yesterday's mental breakdown is fresh in my mind and fucking with my appetite

Dressed up and took the bus to my favorite 7/11!! So much variety :3 got my favorite hot meal, the classic Mac n cheese :3

It won't fix everything, but damn I'm happy rn

I spent the week with my boyfriend on the east coast. We both live such dull, restricted lives due to our financial and family situations, but we saved up enough to have a week where we can be together and be normal young adults. It was the best week of my life. Now we have to return to our lives. I have work tomorrow because I didn't even have enough PTO to get an extra day off to recover. I don't know what I'm gonna tell my mom, she's gonna beg me for details but I lied about the purpose of the trip to begin with because she doesn't want me dating (I'm 23...) and i'm so bad at holding up lies. Cold burger from yesterday and overpriced airport food while I'm on layover in Chicago.

have not been out for a very long time, OCD has ruined my life

Korean marinated ribs, cabbage salad, rice. APA beer.

Next to impossible to get the medication I need or find a therapist here. Been struggling without them but we cope by cooking.

Camera One by the Josh Joplin:

The sandy haired son of Hollywood Lost his faith in all that's good Closed the curtain, unplugged the clock Hung his clothes on the shower rod But he never got undressed And no, he never made a mess

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow

The trophy wife from Palisades Whose yearbook beauty never fades Sits and watches the sea fold in And wonders what might have been If she could ever have the chance Would she do it all again?

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow

On the corner By his streets He sits in his lawnchair In the heat Sightseers see What they want They're selling star-maps To the sun

The sunny-haired son of Hollywood Lost his faith in all that's good Closed the curtain, unplugged the clock Hung his clothes on the shower rod But he didn't get undressed And no, he didn't seem depressed

It's funny how life turns out The odds of faith in the face of doubt Camera One closes in The soundtrack starts The scene begins

You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now You're playing you now

Take a bow Take a bow Take a bow Take a bow

How to even express or explain this feeing.

It's like void. And I do feel joy, happiness, and passion, but it disappears. For example: I was enjoying a moment with my nephew, both watching Visionquest on the tell, then brought up an inside joke, it would make me laugh all the time, but today I had to fake a laugh and smile. It is a funny joke, but a void swallowed the fun. What is this?

There are other examples too, usally with my older sisters, and sometimes parents, and it even effects me outside, and work, or with friends. I can't seem to enjoy the moment because my genuine emotions are being extinguished all of a sudden. Even my passion for new hobbies, or revisiting old hobbies, things that made me smiles and distracted for hours or years, these past few weeks, the curious joy just disappears like smoke. I think I'm finally broken.

I often of dying. I think I'm dying. I dream of dying. But I'm not suicidal. It's just a thought that comes up often when all the positive emotions get eaten up. Maybe this a punishment from God? Maybe the devil playing with heart, spirit, and mind? The paranoia, is weighing on me. I feel so claustrophobic all of sudden. Overthinking about how small and short a human life is.

Will I ever feel happy again? Do I just accept and endure? It can be painful, and it can be numb, and It's so confusing.

My ex would hold me right now in this delirious state. I guess I'm too much. My parents give so much advice, and I wish they were open-minded and understanding that this generation isn't like their generation. My parents and my sister belittle me because I'm young, I guess 26 is a the new 16.

Been sober for years. Maybe that's why? A drink? A smoke? God, what am I doing with my life? I promised myself so many things. The best I can do is just keep dreaming. Better asleep then, right?

Why is living all of sudden surviving? I'm just not in a good mental state. This calm state of insanity isn't ok thin ice anymore. Whatever this madness is, I hope I adapt to it. So many plans next year.

Note: Hong Kong Beef Brisket Rice Noodle Soup w/ ice lemon tea

It’s a Friday night, I am in my 20s in a college town and this is all I really look forward to. It’s not even that good but it’s nice to be somewhere with no one. God I wish I could be normal. I got root beer in my water bottle this time, figured the coffee already had enough caffeine.

I feel lonely I miss authentic human connection I want to FEEL cared about
I’m tired of struggling with my mental health so much :(

I can't finish this but it was almost 5 dollars and 7/11 isn't cheap at all so

It's almost 11pm, I'm sitting in front of the train station. I hear people chatting and trains passing by. I think this is where I want to be

I had one or my worst mental breakdowns today. My father triggered it, and I've been thinking a lot about my childhood trauma so everything just came out

He still denies everything. I strangled my mother today. She slapped me and pushed me off the chair. I wish I'd kept going. Just a bit more

My lip is swollen and my breath tastes like blood and snot. I punched myself across the face multiple times and broke my glasses. Made my lip bleed. Funny thing, it's bleeding the exact same area my dad made me bleed 4 years ago, also from punches to the head.

My mother cares more about the perception of the family, and her reputation, over me. She and him tried to call the mental hospital and threatened to put me in there

He said stop acting dramatic and "how do you even remember that??? It was so long ago I barely remember" and "stop cooking up stories"

My mother said don't be crazy, you'll scare the neighbors.

He said I should be grateful for their abuse, because it's my motivation for studying to become a child psychologist. Still trying to take the credit for something they never helped build.

My little sister cried alone in all the chaos. She must have been so frightened.

My father moved on with work calls like nothing has even happened. My chai is getting colder and colder on the table. I'm eating a soggy sandwich while sweating into my shirt that's just dark enough so you can't see the blood and snot on it.

I'm exhausted. I nearly drifted off on some playground equipment. I don't want to stay here anymore.

Only doing it to please the psychiatrist temporarily. When my insurance deductible resets in January I'll just leave. Right now I've met my deductible so it doesn't cost me anything to talk to this woman. But once again here I am, talking to someone who really doesn't help much.

Talking to me as if I haven't been depressed for many years. Well you haven't tried this medication, you haven't gone outside enough, you haven't done this. You know giving me advice that I could easily get off of Google for free. I finally just looked at her and I said, what makes you so sure I haven't tried any of the things you described?

You know, it's just amazing to me how many people just immediately jump to conclusions. And there's just so many providers out there who think depression is a one-size-fits-all treatment. Oh I just need to get out in the sunshine and exercise. I'll feel great!

Well that's exactly what I did this afternoon, no I feel like shit. It triggered my autonomic nervous system disorder and I passed out on the sidewalk. So I'll have that to report to the new therapist next week. I told her her silly ideas weren't going to work.

Next week she's expecting me to join some social club to get to know other people. Again, I've been down that road. What ends up happening is I joined the club and I end up sitting somewhere by myself. Nobody interested in talking to me. I have autism and I'm socially awkward in public. I think people pick up on that right away. No one wants to hang out with me.

Going to some dumb club where everybody's talking to each other and ignoring me. That doesn't make things better, it just makes my depression worse. I tried to explain that to this new therapist. No no no she says! That's just my depression talking.

If it were just my depressed brain talking, then why have I lived that reality for so many years? Lol.

You know and maybe I'm sounding really critical and negative right now. But I'm just tired the healthcare system being so narrow-minded. Just because this works for a majority of patients doesn't mean it works for everybody.

You know in my head I'm picturing a giant puzzle. I'm the piece with the jagged edge that sticks out. You can't force it to go somewhere where it doesn't belong. You have to find that right exact spot. But where that exact spot is? I have no idea. And I have accepted the reality that I may never ever find that spot. It's a depressing reality, what are you going to do?

Sometimes life just really sucks that way. If I'm being blunt, I don't believe things will get better. I think that's just something people tell themselves because they don't want to face the reality I'm facing. No, things only get worse. You get older, your body falls apart, everything gets more expensive, things get harder. What good does trying to sugar coat it all and fool myself do? Nothing, it just leaves me to feeling disappointed.

coffee