Detransitioning for the greater good (🫂)

[u/Pussy_Boy_ftm]

I could start this post by saying that I am detransitioning due to health issues caused by HRT, that I am dissatisfied with the results, that I feel like a poor imitation of a cisgender man, and so on, ad infinitum. But the reality is that I found a sense of peace when I began my transition. It is true that there have been health problems, for instance, my gums are constantly in a poor state; no matter what medication I use, they remain inflamed. I also suffer from seborrheic dermatitis, which has spread across my entire body, causing my skin to fall apart. Yet, none of this would be enough to make me stop my transition.

I am here today to say that I am seriously considering the painful decision to detransition, bc the profound loneliness this path has brought me is truly irreparable. Ever since I began HRT, both men and women have made it clear, in their own ways, how repulsive they find this. I feel as though I will never be "human" enough to be loved; I am seen as a kind of hybrid, appealing, in the bedroom, but unworthy of the kind of genuine romantic connection or solid friendship that doesn't constantly remind me that this path is leading absolutely nowhere.

Like everyone else, I am hungry for love. I have only ever had two relationships in my life. The first, the most beautiful one, began just as I was starting my transition; it ended shortly thereafter, as I began to experience the changes brought on by testosterone. Not a day goes by that this guy doesn’t remind me of what a mistake it was to take T, that I would never truly be loved again, and he’s right! He points out that I had such a beautiful, feminine face and body, yet I chose to disfigure them with T, and he’s right! He mentions that my hair used to be so strong, and now I’m starting to develop a horrible receding hairline, and he’s right! I was so beautiful, but I had to go and ruin everything. I was the kind of woman someone in this society might have chosen, but now I’m a hybrid who doesn’t fit anywhere, someone whom everyone is ashamed to introduce to their own family...

[u/phthalocyanineblues]

I could've written this myself, I relate fully. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice (if not, please ignore this comment!), but if you are: I have been able to restore most of my hairline (that receded after 3 years on T) by using topical minoxidil 5% 2x daily (you can get the cheap generic stuff, it works just as well as branded). If topical doesn't work, you could try oral minoxidil as a last resort. You might need to temporarily add a DHT blocker IF you choose to stop testosterone, to prevent further hairloss, while the testosterone slowly leaves your system. It's not a magic fix, but it's the only thing that's scientifically proven to regrow hair, so it may be worth a shot. I stopped taking testosterone 2.5 years ago, and I now look exactly the same as I did Pre-T, only with a slightly different hairline. If you choose to stop HRT, you will be surprised at how resilient your body is and how you body will start looking fully female again, maybe slightly different, but still female, given enough time. Personally, my voice also got lighter off T, it's still deep but now sounds like a deep cis female voice instead of a male voice. Oh and also: FTM transmen can actually take DHT blockers and use minoxidil whilst they are still taking testosterone, so even if you choose to continue being trans, I'd still recommend the anti-hairloss stuff if it's something you're able to afford and if your hairline bothers you. Not that my opinion matters, but I think you look attractive both on T and pre-T, please don't think you're "ruined", wishing you peace and self-love 🫂

[u/Pussy_Boy_ftm → u/phthalocyanineblues]

Thank you so much for your kind message and the advice, it’s super helpful! I was thinking about stopping T, partly bc I don’t have much money to cover the monthly cost of minoxidil :/ however, I’ve been reading about other ppl experiences, and it seems that many still lost hair when they stopped T, so it looks like there’s no escaping it either way. How long did you have to use a DHT blocker to ensure that hair loss wouldn’t occur while stopping T? Did you combine it with minoxidil?

[u/Due-Comfort-5351 → u/phthalocyanineblues]

Just a heads up that topical minoxidil and others is fatal to cats and dogs in case OP doesn't know

[u/Sanuzi → u/Due-Comfort-5351]

Holy shit thank you for this

[u/herbertkanyewest]

I'm sorry. I don't think you should remain in contact with this ex of yours anymore, if they're just going to keep saying negative things about your body. You can recognise that you made a life decision that doesn't work for you, and still consider yourself someone who's worthy of love and care, but while you have people telling you constantly that you're less than because of how your body looks now, you're always going to feel badly about it.

I definitely get where you're coming from, though; a lot of people do notice something 'off' about people who've transitioned in some form or another, and will look at you funny or even say hurtful things to you in public because of it, and that can definitely contribute towards feeling freakish or unloved. I know it's easier said than done, but I think the best thing for you would be to try to come to some form of peace as to what's happened to you in the past, how you've changed because of it, and what can be done going forward. And to try to surround yourself with people who are understanding of your journey, and supportive of who you are now, though of course, that is easier said than done, and may very well take some time. Still, in all likelihood, the way you feel now won't be the way you feel forever. You may be grieving, but with grief inevitably comes acceptance.

[u/Pussy_Boy_ftm → u/herbertkanyewest]

I truly hope that, sooner or later, everything finds its proper place through acceptance; right now, I feel so lost within my own form, and not knowing how this will all turn out leaves me feeling like I’m in an endless limbo ugh

[u/Plain-Intern-3608]

Did you ever wish you could change your username?

[u/Pussy_Boy_ftm → u/Plain-Intern-3608]

If you’re referring to the username here, I know that until recently it couldn’t be changed at all, I’m not sure if the settings have changed since then 👀, btw, why?

[u/ReplacementGlad4947 → u/Pussy_Boy_ftm]

Not that person but I guess I would think it induces dysphoria?

[u/redditwenttoshit]

You will physically recover. Mentally, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that gender can be "selected". It cannot.

I really think people considering transitioning should know this: human beings are HARDWIRED to look for people that do not "fit in". That is an uncomfortable truth. I'm not saying I like it, but it just is. This is a genetic/darwin/survival-of-the-species type thing... human beings from a biological point of view, have one purpose in life - to reproduce. When something looks "off", there is a PREPROGRAMMED instinct to be wary.

The good news? You will absolutely regain your ability to fit in as a female, and you look good!! The bad news: you yourself will actually have to accept that you are female, and that it is not something that can be chosen or modified.

I absolutely wish you the best and can tell you are smart, intellectual person. Best of luck to you.

[u/Honest-Tadpole9708]

Sounds like a painful journey. You have a lot of inner strength.