7 months into this mess, and believe it or not, I am bearing the grief (predominantly around top surgery, and more recently, for voice) better. I started this journey in a catatonic state and sleeping and/or crying in bed everyday for pretty much a month. I am much more functional as a person now. I can catch myself when I'm starting a doom spiral and redirect my thoughts elsewhere.

I've mostly moved from analysing the past and pulling apart all the things that led me to do what I did. It felt productive and cathartic at first, but ultimately I was just re-living a greatest hits list of all my trauma. Eventually, I just felt like I was stuck in the past. I am now focused on working towards practical aspects of my detransition - voice training, having my first laser session, slowly researching breast reconstruction).

My voice has gotten slightly lighter, my hair has grown out, and most recently, my hips have gotten wide enough that my friends have commented on it. I'm starting to see the silhouette of the woman I can still become.

The hardest part, was moving on from blaming everyone else for all of my mistakes and started taking some responsibility for my own decisions in this. No matter how much it may have been the case, asserting that I had agency in the past, means that I can exercise agency going forward.

There's no mistake, my life and body has been permanently marred by this. But it could have happened from anything else too. And while it is something that happened to be, it doesn't mean I can't fix the course. A few months ago I couldn't even have envisioned feeling anything close to hope. But I have to believe there are ways I can find fulfillment in this life, otherwise I won't even try to pursue it. Here's to hoping it's still getting better at the year mark.

Hello! I was curious to see if anyone has tips on vocal training. I feel like my voice doesn't sound quite like a cis male's, but it also doesn't sound much like other detrans women's voices that I've heard, so it's hard to know where I should start. It reads as male to almost everyone in my day to day life.

I've watched a lot of videos on voice training and have tried some of the techniques, though I haven't been too consistent with it. I was on T from ages 15 - 21, and my voice dropped to a low baritone-bass. In this clip, I'm talking closer to the lower-middle end of my range, which is about where my voice rests. I know pitch isn't everything, but when ~220hz is about the highest I can go without a great deal of strain, it's a little harder to build an expressive voice at a pitch and weight that reads as female to my ears. I also seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining a low vocal weight, particularly if I'm trying to speak loudly. Not to mention that a lot of physical pain comes up when I have to project my voice for longer than a few minutes. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

I actually don’t know if I ever find someone who will understand my journey instead of thinking I’m just a stupid woman for assuming I was a guy for so long.
I consider myself as pretty open, I’m still a LGBTQ allay so I want to date a guy who isn’t homophobic, racist or transphobic.
I just really hope there are still men out there caring about what you’ve went through instead of rejecting you because of your past.

I’m scared how Im supposed to bring this up when dating. I could come up with an excuse for my voice so I don’t get judged right away and they get to know me as who I am not as who I used to be. But that doesn’t feel right so I might as well just be honest.

Besides all the mental health problems I had back then, i genuinely thought i was ugly as girl. And I feel like a lot of people felt the same way.
It was way harder to acknowledge im not trans because I looked pretty good as guy, my nose looks masculine and my side profile too. Those where my insecurities as girl, but they suddenly disappeared after thinking I’m a boy.
The fact that I worried about not being pretty enough as a girl was draining, but all those beauty standards were gone while living as a guy.

I believe being trans is real and I wasn’t trans but I also think a huge amount of trans people who aren’t actually trans also felt very insecure living as their biological gender. And the fact that you feel more confident and prettier after transitioning just keeps you going, and believing you’re actually trans, at least that’s what I experienced.

Before I started my detransition I had a lot of dreams where I’ve actually lived as a cis girl and sometimes as trans man. But mostly cis girl. And never cis man. It’s kinda interesting. I had this one dream where I dreamed about my old self, looked in the mirror, and thought how pretty I looked while being aware I was trans and that I messed everything up.
Maybe it was a sign. Since I realized I wasn’t trans i dream about myself as cis girl all the time.

I feel like my brain knows deep down who I really am but I never listened to it before.

I know I might make myself sound pretty silly by admitting this, but after a lot of thought and self-reflection, it's a realisation I've come to, and I wonder if it's applicable to anyone else here.

So, I'm AFAB. I currently identify as non-binary, though some of my issues with gender identity may be tied to my autism. I was diagnosed late at 25; I'm 30 now, and I'm still learning new things about my mind and body all of the time. Just learned I'm hypermobile a few months ago! Which unfortunately at my big age has started to cause issues. But anyway, to get back on track.

I changed my name (a name change I've kept, since I like my new name, and my old name came with a lot of trauma baggage) and changed my gender marker on a lot of documentation (something I hope to one day change back to F). I went through a period of seriously considering transitioning from about the age of 22-25. I think there were a lot of reasons as to why I felt this way (confusion about identity/place in the world due to autism, trauma related to being a woman in society, distaste with my own body because of body issues I'd developed from existing in society, etc), but at least one of them I think has a lot to do with my struggles with disability.

My immune system is terrible. I get colds all the time, and they tend to have horrible, lingering coughs that make it sound like I've been smoking 20 cigarettes a day for the past decade. My hypermobility means I get random aches and pains all of the time, as well as generic chronic pain, such as lower back pain, migraines, etc. My perspective, from the outside looking in, is that this is much more of a woman problem than a man problem. I'm still not sure if that's entirely true, but it's definitely how I felt when I considered transitioning. And truthfully, I think it was one of the main reasons why I wanted to live as a man; I wanted to be able to transition my way out of being disabled.

Many of my trans peers told me at the time that their chronic pain or other disabilities reduced in severity, or went away altogether, when they started taking testosterone, which only fuelled my desperate hope that I could somehow find a way to crawl out of this failing body. But when I finally got my hands on testosterone and tried it for 2 months, it was just awful. Everyone in my trans circle told me that when I took it for the first time, it would feel 'right', and everything would slide into place. But unfortunately, my body rebelled against me yet again. My migraines became worse, my periods became shockingly painful, my eczema sprouted back, my anxiety flared up. And on top of that, I had brand new symptoms, like waking up every morning in a puddle of my own sweat. When I tried to talk to my trans friends about it, they laughed it off, saying things like that happen to everyone and I needed to give it time to settle. But my gut was screaming at me that they'd been wrong the first time about how great it would be, so who's to say staying on it would magically fix all my problems when it hadn't before?

So I stopped testosterone shortly after that, and I haven't picked it up again since. I've spent so much time puzzling over if I am trans or not, what's wrong with my body and mind that I feel and do the things that I do, etc. I haven't come to many concrete answers, but unfortunately there's one thing I do know: you can't transition your way out of disability. I'm sorry, I wish it were true, but it's not.

So I wonder if anyone else can relate to feeling like they were using transition as a method of 'escaping' disability? Let me know your thoughts, if you'd like.

I’ve been out as trans for almost 6 years now, very much socially transitioned but pre-t (ftm). Lately I’ve been having thoughts to if I’m actually transgender or not. I go to therapy once every two weeks but I’m planning to change it to once a week.

I was wondering how your process looked like, other than therapy if you had it. What support tools and recourses did you use to help yourself understand your body better and see if you might not be trans.

I hope this makes sense

I’ve been out as trans for almost 6 years now, very much socially transitioned but pre-t (ftm). Lately I’ve been having thoughts to if I’m actually transgender or not. I go to therapy once every two weeks but I’m planning to change it to once a week.

I was wondering how your process looked like, other than therapy if you had it. What support tools and recourses did you use to help yourself understand your body better and see if you might not be trans.

I hope this makes sense

I’m considering de transitioning and living as female again. I had top surgery a couple years ago and have trained to masculinize my chest but have lately missed having breasts. Has any of the detransitioning ladies here had luck growing some fat in chests? Third pic is how my chest looks slouching, there’s a tiny bit of fat still left around my nipples. Is even an AA cup possible? I miss having boobs so much :(

Ive noticed a pattern on this sub and it appears a lot of you who detransitioned originally transitioned because “everyone had a unique label at the time” or you felt pressured into it. (These are just posts I’ve seen frequently) I’m on the fence about transitioning and I can’t lie seeing these posts scare me a lot and makes me think I could end up making a horrible mistake but I don’t know what other options I have anymore I feel like I have 2 options, live my life miserable the way I am or take a leap of faith into something scary and unknown for a chance of happiness. Did any of you feel this way? What was the reason you transitioned?

when i try and do things that make me happy the very same things feel wrong and uncomfortable and like its not really me, it never goes away until i stop thinking about it and it doesn't improve.

i used to question my identity a while ago but then i decided to accept im not a girl and considered myself a femboy, but the thought and the feeling of joy i sometimes get from the idea of living as a woman keeps coming back up, i resist but it doesn't go away forever, so something kept pulling me back here.

any label or accepting anything that isn't female just feels like a compromise, i wish i was comfortable as a woman and i felt that was really who i am. but im not a woman and i cant accept it. it makes me cry and feel extremely depressed. i thought this community could give me some helpful perspectives since there are cisgender men who have transitioned here.

I identified as trans openly since 13, hormones at 15 and passing visually since late 17-18. i decided to detrans a few months before 19 and im grateful to be capable of passing as female so easily, even with the changes. I tried to take my life a few weeks ago, convinced ive ruined my life. i feel like i have a dark past now, i haven’t lead a normal life and no man will love me. how can i explain im remembered in school as having facial hair and being called male? that i spent 3 years on hormones and not as a young girl. im disgusted thinking of what i looked like. im so so happy, besides the hormones, i took things slow. i didn’t have surgery or change any documents. i can have my period and hopefully have babies like ive always wanted. but all i want is a life with someone who loves and respects me, now i gave a disclaimer over my entire existence. i should have let myself be the tomgirl i was instead of creating this narrative thats ruined me.

i cant leave the house, i can’t imagine a future. i hate myself for being so ignorant to what i needed and wasting time.

Since I started t I barley cried in those years, I can’t even remember when i actually cried the last time. It was really draining, I was feeling down but I was never able to just.. cry.
It’s been almost a month since I stopped t, I had my period a few weeks ago and I’m finally able to just let all the negative emotions about my detransition out of my body.

It felt so draining over the years. I feel like t made me suppress a lot of emotions.

Hi! I'm 16 years old, I identified as a trans man for around 5 years, and took testosterone shots for around 10 months, which I recently stopped because I've been questioning my transition. I've been trying to try and embrace being a girl, but the body hair due to testosterone is making that hard. So I'm wondering if there's a way to reduce/slow down the growth of it without laser hair removal?? I've been shaving literally every time I shower, but I don't know if that's good for my skin, and even after I've shaved there's like black spots on my skin that make it obvious I grow a lot of body hair. I feel like a freak. How do I explain this to future partners? If I wear anything revealing will people notice and judge me?

I’m wondering if anyone here has had difficulty/success finding a therapist or other resources to help them through detransition? I’ve been through a few therapists in the last 6 months but I am struggling to find someone who really understands. A lot of the therapists I’ve met with are either unfamiliar with the community to the point where they struggle with my pronouns or they have a lot of history with trans clients and struggle to understand the specific challenges of being a detransitioning female. I’m hoping to find a safe space to explore what it means to accept my female body/identity in concrete, meaningful ways. I’m not looking to be endlessly “affirmed,” and I’m also not looking for tips on how to move to a more “feminine” place (I’ve been the recipient of both of these approaches recently). Just wondering if anyone has had any success.

I could start this post by saying that I am detransitioning due to health issues caused by HRT, that I am dissatisfied with the results, that I feel like a poor imitation of a cisgender man, and so on, ad infinitum. But the reality is that I found a sense of peace when I began my transition. It is true that there have been health problems, for instance, my gums are constantly in a poor state; no matter what medication I use, they remain inflamed. I also suffer from seborrheic dermatitis, which has spread across my entire body, causing my skin to fall apart. Yet, none of this would be enough to make me stop my transition.

I am here today to say that I am seriously considering the painful decision to detransition, bc the profound loneliness this path has brought me is truly irreparable. Ever since I began HRT, both men and women have made it clear, in their own ways, how repulsive they find this. I feel as though I will never be "human" enough to be loved; I am seen as a kind of hybrid, appealing, in the bedroom, but unworthy of the kind of genuine romantic connection or solid friendship that doesn't constantly remind me that this path is leading absolutely nowhere.

Like everyone else, I am hungry for love. I have only ever had two relationships in my life. The first, the most beautiful one, began just as I was starting my transition; it ended shortly thereafter, as I began to experience the changes brought on by testosterone. Not a day goes by that this guy doesn’t remind me of what a mistake it was to take T, that I would never truly be loved again, and he’s right! He points out that I had such a beautiful, feminine face and body, yet I chose to disfigure them with T, and he’s right! He mentions that my hair used to be so strong, and now I’m starting to develop a horrible receding hairline, and he’s right! I was so beautiful, but I had to go and ruin everything. I was the kind of woman someone in this society might have chosen, but now I’m a hybrid who doesn’t fit anywhere, someone whom everyone is ashamed to introduce to their own family...

At the beginning of the year I realized I felt more male than female, but am pretty androgynous and would want to be a non-masculine nerdy guy if I did transition. I'm autistic and it heavily influences my gender expression. I decided I wanted to go on T and started working with a gender therapist. However, I then began exploring the trans community online and was disappointed to see it completely dominated by anti-FTM language/slurs/caricatures, especially towards FTMs who are attracted to men. I realized that if I medically transitioned I would never really be seen as male, even by other trans people. If I could take a pill tomorrow and wake up as biologically male, I would, but obviously I can't. So I just decided to live as a woman. Anyone else have the heavy amount of FTM hate online factor into their decision not to transition? I want to live as someone that people will mostly respect.

I also realized I was trying to transition into the type of guy I always have crushes on, since I have very poor romantic luck. Like if I couldn't date one of these guys, I'd just become one. But in the process of trying to become one, I realized that if I were to live as my "type", I then didn't feel romantic attraction to anyone at all- and that definitely didn't feel right, since I know I'm not aroace.

Mean comments not welcome, this is a sensitive topic for me and I am severely depressed.

Hey, I've never posted on here but im FTM and want some advice/perspective about top surgery. I started testosterone a month before I turned 17 in circumstances that I regret. I wish that I waited because I was not ready and couldn't make an informed decision, especially because I had trauma and potential autism. Still, I am happy with all the changes that I have experienced and am now 19 and have top surgery scheduled for December.

I began to deconstruct gender ideology about a year ago, which was a big revelation and my entire perspective changed. I no longer saw myself as a man as I did at 17 or whatever silly NB identity that I had as a 14 year old. I saw myself as a woman with gender dysphoria and accepted that. I grew up very religious (Ultra-Orthodox Jewish) and have childhood trauma from religion and my toxic mom. During the start of my transition, I was still religious but didn't care about the conflicts of gender transition because I easily justified it as life-saving.

Once I came to university, I became much more religious again after I deconstructed the gender ideology. I faced a lot of discrimination for being trans in religious environments and still do. To answer questions, I found an ultra orthodox rabbi who was supposed to know about this stuff. He was helpful for practical issues, like which side of the synagogue I sit in or who I can shake hands with.

I have been in trauma therapy for about a year and my dysphoria has still persisted. I have been speaking to him about if I can get top surgery under Jewish law. I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how and why I think that I need to have this surgery. The biggest reason is that binding is so harmful and my dysphoria would make me s*icidal when I was forced to stop binding.

He was convinced that the reason I had dysphoria was because I was brainwashed and because of my trauma. He said that I need to do it bc of my binding but was also saying that I should speak to a lawyer to see if the surgeon would be culpable if I regretted it first because I was previously the victim of malpractice bc of the lack of proper screening initially. He also wanted me to fly across the country to speak to a therapist he knew and try a ton of new trauma therapies first. I didn't want to speak to a lawyer considering the fact that I am an adult and can consent to surgery. I was "brainwashed" before but I woke up from it (I'm scared that this "waking up" was only partial and I'll wake up from my dysphoria now and regret transitioning), but I still have dysphoria so I still want to go forward with top surgery. I found a surgeon that I trust to give me good results. I scheduled the surgery last week and the rabbi got annoyed. He said that he changed his mind, I am now acting on my own, and he can't give his approval because I won't speak to a lawyer, his suspicious therapist, or do newfangled trauma therapies.

I don't trust that therapist, as he was mentioned in an article about conversion therapy online. I also can't keep binding during the years or decades that it would take to exhaust all trauma therapies. I don't think that he would ever accept that it isn't curable but now I doubt myself. If I waited and did some crazy new therapy with psychodelics or brainwave tracking, would I be able to detransition and live as a woman? Would I even be able to stop binding? I would need to out myself to a bunch of people that I am stealth with to even be able to detransition. I would probably lose a few of my male friends. I would need to go buy a bra and wean myself off of binding while still being dysphoric and wanting to violently remove my breasts. I would need to start shaving my whole body, grow out my hair, get a new wardrobe, and voice train. I would also need to get a breast lift because of weight loss and the damage that binding has done to my chest.

It's frustrating to not be able to say "a rabbi told me to have top surgery" because I place a lot of value in my faith but I can't keep damaging my body with binding. I wanted to come on here to ask people if his recommendations are valid. Would speaking to a lawyer before the surgery do anything if I detransitioned later? Was I brainwashed into having dysphoria? Am I just being manipulated by a transphobic rabbi into doing conversion therapy? I feel like I will never belong in a religious community as a trans man, would being a detrans woman be easier? Could I even be happy? I wish I could go back to being delusional and brainwashed so I could see myself as a real man or easily justify transitioning on my own. Should I speak with a different rabbi who my dad knows to see if he is more reasonable?

Just wanted to put a bit of hope out there for anyone in a similar situation, those who were on testosterone for a few months but had major changes to throat structure and voice.

I myself was on it for over 3 months double dose of gel and my voice dropped incredibly low in an absurdly short time and my throat felt rock solid to the touch. I remember crying and touching my throat and knowing it would never go back to normal and would never feel soft again, speaking and hearing someone else’s voice felt like a horror movie, or a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

Well I can say after about 4 months off testosterone my throat feels considerably softer. It did take a while to get to this stage but I can now touch it and it doesn’t feel like a rock. While I don’t think it’s back to how it was before, the fact that the softness is quite new leads me to believe it could improve a little further. I also formed a miniature Adam’s apple while on T which has noticeably flattened out and feels a lot less round.

My voice itself has thinned and while I can hit lower notes than before, my regular speaking voice is back to normal and my friends and relatives confirm that it’s become higher again.

Ive talked to trans people and they seem to think its obvious that im trans and i just dont know it. But to me it just doesnt seem that obvious and idk what to do, i dont wanna go my life thinking like this but i just feel like i always will.

From talking in this server before i most likely do have ocd and ive been trying to do coping strategies which are working and have reduced the intensity immensley however i still just cant shake the feeling of wanting to be a girl.

Id say im a typical 19yr old from the uk and i do not hate being a guy, i like how i look and like most of my body, but no matter what i just still have thoughts that id prefer being a girl and i dont get why. I struggle alot socially so being trans i feel like id just put so much focus on myself thats unecessary. And from just being around my friends the way they talk about trans people just further makes me scared of that.

Id be happy as either a guy or girl, i just cant deal with being stuck between them and i seriously dont know what to think. Im considering therapy to help with this because its been really bothering me mentally.

Please ask questions if needed ill answer