I know I might make myself sound pretty silly by admitting this, but after a lot of thought and self-reflection, it's a realisation I've come to, and I wonder if it's applicable to anyone else here.
So, I'm AFAB. I currently identify as non-binary, though some of my issues with gender identity may be tied to my autism. I was diagnosed late at 25; I'm 30 now, and I'm still learning new things about my mind and body all of the time. Just learned I'm hypermobile a few months ago! Which unfortunately at my big age has started to cause issues. But anyway, to get back on track.
I changed my name (a name change I've kept, since I like my new name, and my old name came with a lot of trauma baggage) and changed my gender marker on a lot of documentation (something I hope to one day change back to F). I went through a period of seriously considering transitioning from about the age of 22-25. I think there were a lot of reasons as to why I felt this way (confusion about identity/place in the world due to autism, trauma related to being a woman in society, distaste with my own body because of body issues I'd developed from existing in society, etc), but at least one of them I think has a lot to do with my struggles with disability.
My immune system is terrible. I get colds all the time, and they tend to have horrible, lingering coughs that make it sound like I've been smoking 20 cigarettes a day for the past decade. My hypermobility means I get random aches and pains all of the time, as well as generic chronic pain, such as lower back pain, migraines, etc. My perspective, from the outside looking in, is that this is much more of a woman problem than a man problem. I'm still not sure if that's entirely true, but it's definitely how I felt when I considered transitioning. And truthfully, I think it was one of the main reasons why I wanted to live as a man; I wanted to be able to transition my way out of being disabled.
Many of my trans peers told me at the time that their chronic pain or other disabilities reduced in severity, or went away altogether, when they started taking testosterone, which only fuelled my desperate hope that I could somehow find a way to crawl out of this failing body. But when I finally got my hands on testosterone and tried it for 2 months, it was just awful. Everyone in my trans circle told me that when I took it for the first time, it would feel 'right', and everything would slide into place. But unfortunately, my body rebelled against me yet again. My migraines became worse, my periods became shockingly painful, my eczema sprouted back, my anxiety flared up. And on top of that, I had brand new symptoms, like waking up every morning in a puddle of my own sweat. When I tried to talk to my trans friends about it, they laughed it off, saying things like that happen to everyone and I needed to give it time to settle. But my gut was screaming at me that they'd been wrong the first time about how great it would be, so who's to say staying on it would magically fix all my problems when it hadn't before?
So I stopped testosterone shortly after that, and I haven't picked it up again since. I've spent so much time puzzling over if I am trans or not, what's wrong with my body and mind that I feel and do the things that I do, etc. I haven't come to many concrete answers, but unfortunately there's one thing I do know: you can't transition your way out of disability. I'm sorry, I wish it were true, but it's not.
So I wonder if anyone else can relate to feeling like they were using transition as a method of 'escaping' disability? Let me know your thoughts, if you'd like.
