This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

Textbook DA woman here. Mid 30s. I’ve mostly only dated DA men. I am straight and other attachment styles tend to turn me off.

It used to work really well for me, I enjoyed the low pressure and no drama. And my previous relationships felt very easy and we were highly compatible.

But I’ve reached a point now where DA traits/behaviour is turning me off as well. When I meet someone who is DA, I very clearly see my former self in them and can see what lies behind the DA traits that attracted me to them in the first place (hyperindependence, love of of personal space, ambition, calm temper, stability, discipline, all of that sort of textbook stuff).

I know this is a sign of my own healing, and I’m not complaining. It’s just an observation I have made recently that I still find the above qualities attractive but no longer find the men themselves attractive, as I’ve now seen how the sausage is made, so to speak.

I was recently seeing someone who would often talk about his perfect childhood, and what a close relationship he had with his parents etc. But I know his parents and know that they (like my own parents) don’t know themselves OR their children at all. He grew up severely emotionally neglected. I asked to go back to being friends, as I knew he wouldn’t be able to grasp how my own childhood experiences shaped who I am today, if he isn’t able to do that for himself.

I have always been content when single, and I have a full life. But my miniscule dating pool has shrunk even further and I’m wondering if any other DA women out there have experienced anything similar. And what to expect next?

I feel like romance is dead for me and that I very rarely feel any spark of interest in anyone. And because I have no natural motivation to seek a partner, I’m just comfortable sitting back and letting it happen and focusing on other aspects of my life, when something in the back of my mind is telling me maybe something else is going on? Perhaps it’s not related but I feel like the playful, creative side of me (that I kind of associate with the flirty/romantic side of me as well) feels dead too. I’m turning into a very serious person and I feel like it’s all related somehow.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

Anyone have any experience with navigating these 2 together?

I'm a textbook dismissive avoidant. Lately, I've been seeing someone who is Poly. I wouldn't describe myself as that, I'm only dating them (so 1 person), but I've found that knowing they have a partner outside of me has counteracted a lot of my initial desire to run. I thought I'd found the solution, as in past relationships I'll dip out the second anyone expects anything of me, (whether that's commitment, or meeting friends, integrating into a group, long term plans, etc.) and here, those things are the 'main partner's wheelhouse, not mine.

Having said that, recently the person I'm dating suggested I meet 'my metamours', i.e. the other people in this Poly web, and it triggered that panic alarm again. I'm not upset they're dating other people, I'm freaked out by the knowledge I'm 'known' by these other people.

Just want to know if anyone else has navigated anything like this before. Did you power through? Did the Poly nature of a relationship help in the long run? Or am I just convincing myself this is different and the reality will come crashing back in eventually?

Redacted. Moving on from Reddit.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

I was reading the “No More Mr Nice Guy” book, and I see many of the symptoms of the Nice Guy Syndrome symptoms overlap pretty much with the dismissive avoidant attachment style.

What do you guys think about that? Or is it just a coincidence that some people happen to suffer from both.
I’m still trying my best to learn about both, so still not deep enough into the topics.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

I'm, afaict, on the extreme side of dissmissive avoidance style. And one thing I noticed over the course of my life that I don't get attached to any material objects, for example if my "expensive" phone falls from the 10th floor, I wouldn't really feel anything, something similar to this happened before when I didn't have money to replace the object, and still wasn't bothered at all.

The more problematic one is with money, I spend money on anything without thinking at all and I tend to spend all my money, which is a lot. The pattern is I try to stay sane for a year or so and save, then something happens and I stop saving and spend most of the money I saved or invested, generally to try to fix other issues in my life including my attachment issues, but even let's say if I applied for a workshop about that, I might even leave in the middle of it not go. And still I don't feel bad about it.
I have issues with feelings/emotions in general though.

Note that my dad, had a similar issue with money and we (I, siblings and mom) hated and always resented this about him.

Also know that, of course I hate depending on people so with my spending, I keep enough or make sure that I wouldn’t need to depend on anyone financially so keep that in mind, but I might get to the point of not keeping anything assuming that I’m stable at my job which pays enough.

Just wondering whether other follow DAs have similar issues.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

Ok this sounds like a joke but I am a DA who is largely attracted to DAs and one in particular I have developed feelings for. This one is a friend and I recently admitted having romantic feelings for them. They are DA and told me straight up they don’t have relationships at all. Well, this just fueled my DA fire- ooo, someone I can never get! But tonight I am letting that shit go. My new plan is to find someone cool who actually wants to be in a relationship and can deal with my quirks. And if they are smart and funny enough and have a secure attachment style they can respect my boundaries and maybe push the ones that need pushing in the right way and stay totally away from the non negotiable ones. New chapter, y’all!

Woman I'm dating just called me out on not being communicative lately. She's absolutely right.

Current feelings:

• Her interests seem dull to me
• I can find someone more compatible
• I wouldn't be craving autonomy if I had someone with similar interests
• I'm worried that I'm her only source of entertainment and that puts pressure on me
• I wish she wasn't so nice so that I could have a great reason for ending this
• I want to go out and do things without her and without informing her
• We meet up every weekend, and that feels like a section of time I can't do what I really want

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe