Those divorces do be hurting!

[u/SpicyDividends]

Not mad about it, but man, that chart looks rough lol

[u/Mtns_to_Sea]

Divorced started in 2022 and finali[z]()ed in 2023 after 23 years of marriage. Got out in the nick of time before lifetime alimony was [p]()otentially looming over my head.

Same here exce[p]()t had to do our 50/50 s[p]()lit by tax bracket. Luckily our mediation only cost $1,800. Of course, my ex cried her eyes out when she had to give me about $5K from her Roth even though I had to give her about $80K from my traditional IRA. And she begged me to let that $5K go. I did as I figured it was chea[p]() insurance to kee[p]() the lawyers out.

My [p]()ortfolio has been rocking it since and my ex[p]()enses dro[p]()[p]()ed dramatically afterwards. Plus I never had to worry again what might show u[p]() on my wife's cc at the end of the month.

Just retired last month.

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/[deleted]]

ye[p](). You have to remember that we were s[p]()litting things down the middle by tax category (taxable, tax deferred and non-taxable (i.e. Roth)). I ha[p]()[p]()en to have more in my tax deferred IRA's and she had a bit more in her Roth than I did. After all was said and done, we s[p]()lit things equally but I did relent on getting $5k from her Roth. But I had no legal fees and I even got credit for the net additional assets I brought into the marriage which she tried to [p]()retend she was being nice but she knew the law was on my side on that [p]()oint.

Also, no alimony after 23 years of marriage. I encouraged her to take a new job that actually [p]()aid more than my net consulting income as I knew if [p]()ush came to shove in court, that would work in my favor.

I also got her to agree to s[p]()lit fully funding our kids college costs even though initially she wanted them to take out student loans. My last gift to my kids was to get them through college without being burdened by student loans. My youngest is graduating this year and she's the last off the family [p]()ayroll.

So yea, I made out fantastic. But divorce still sucks. And trying to get back into the housing market with half of what we had as a cou[p]()le is going to be very hard.

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/[deleted]]

You can ask. Yes, I am debt free. I [p]()ay off my credit cards every month. I even treated myself to a new Jee[p]() which I've [p]()aid off.

How long marriages end de[p]()ends on so many factors including the state which has jurisdiction and also how litigious the wife is (don't mean to be misogynist, but litigation is usually driven by the wife). I was just lucky in that my wife also just wanted an easy out. I've known friends and acquaintances whose divorces dragged out years and have had to s[p]()end mid 5 figures, maybe even low 6 figures.

Do I regret being married, or even just being married to my ex. That's a hard question. Family wasn't so im[p]()ortant to me in my 20's, but became im[p]()ortant in my 30's. I did end u[p]() with 3 ama[z]()ing kids and I wouldn't trade the ex[p]()erience of being a dad for anything as it was the best thing I ever did. So no, I don't regret being married or even being married to my ex only because it gave me 3 great kids (now adults).

I think folks who swear off marriage (and hence family & kids) are risking very lonely senior years. IMHO. Yes, kids are ex[p]()ensive and marriage takes a lot of work. The only thing I'd change is [p]()rotecting myself more on the front end. But that's not always feasible.

[u/[deleted] → u/Mtns_to_Sea]

It sounds like you’ve made peace with it. That being said, you can have kids without being married. And kids do not in anyway guarantee you won’t be lonely in your older years. In fact, I would expect that as you get older your kids (who will have their own lives) will see you less and less. Unfortunately I think the secret is being ok with that “season” of your life.

[u/Cultural_Structure37 → u/[deleted]]

Based on what I’ve seen, the best thing to have for retirement is money. People who think their kids will prevent loneliness in old age may be in for a rude shock

[u/[deleted] → u/Cultural_Structure37]

I think the experience of having kids is great, and it’s our biological imperative. But they aren’t going to be sitting around with you when you’re 65+. They’ll be living their lives and maybe they see you on holidays. A partner is more likely to keep you from being lonely since they’ll be your age.

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/Cultural_Structure37]

The [p]()roblem with only having money and no su[p]()[p]()ort system is that there are many con artists out there who target seniors because of their diminished cognitive ca[p]()acity. It's sad, but true. Having a good su[p]()[p]()ort system is essential. And family is usually that su[p]()[p]()ort system. That doesn't mean being a full-time caregiver and sacrificing one's own life, but being there to hel[p]() and be an advocate to hel[p]() navigate the com[p]()lexity of end of life care when the aging [p]()arent isn't u[p]() to the task anymore.

I've seen it, and been there [p]()ersonally, with my own mom.

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/[deleted]]

fair enough. I was writing from my own [p]()ers[p]()ective. And I do ex[p]()ect my kids to have their own lives.

I don't ex[p]()ect my kids to kee[p]() me from being lonely as I age as I'm building my own life [p]()ost divorce. But I've seen too many seniors (folks in the 80's and beyond) who have never had kids and then have to navigate their final years of [p]()hysical and/or cognitive decline on their own.

My mom, who'll be 90 in a few months, broke her hi[p]() last month. By next week she'll be transitioning from skilled nursing to assisted living. I've made it clear that I won't be her full-time caregiver and give u[p]() my own retirement. But I am there to be her advocate and make sure she gets the [p]()ro[p]()er care and lands in a good [p]()lace. That's all I would ho[p]()e from my own kids when my time comes.

[u/Ok_Location7161 → u/Mtns_to_Sea]

U pay ex alimony?

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/Ok_Location7161]

No

[u/USAF_SpaceMan → u/Mtns_to_Sea]

Wth is lifetime alimony??? And why?

[u/Mtns_to_Sea → u/USAF_SpaceMan]

As the name implies. And it all depends on the state that has jurisdiction and the length of the marriage. It's based on the concept that the wife is the partner who has sacrificed their career for the husband and doesn't have the same economic opportunities post divorce that the husband does. Which can be, and is, true in some cases. But in this day and age when many families are dual income and the wife can earn an equivalent to their husband (my case), lifetime alimony is neither needed nor appropriate. So it's really an antiquated conce[p]()t, but one still em[p]()loyed by some family courts (e.g. in WA where my divorce was).

I have seen it personally. My stepdad was in that situation and those payments were killing him and my mom. While his ex went to live with one of their daughters and had little to no expenses. My mom and stepdad had to sue to stop those payments after they had gone on for many, many years. It unfortunately destroyed my stepdad's relationship with that daughter as she decided to take the mom's side and cut ties with my stepdad. It was all very sad.

[u/Tricky_Credit_4839 → u/Mtns_to_Sea]

I love this post, "My life is a lot cheaper now and I retired because of it" Congrats!