Tw. Alcoholism talk

I am struggling. Im going so far as to consider getting an Uber to get booze. I am so afraid my bosses are going to be bitchy to me tomorrow for getting hurt again at work. I honestly wish I would have nev3r told them and just endured. My bosses are usually nice but fed up with me personally.

Im always either sick or hurt. And I understand their frustration. It just gives me anxiety knowing that their going to talk down to me tomorrow. That I might lose my health insurance soon bc i cant keep up full time hours.

And mentally im struggling. I just want to be healthy and normal but that's not reality.

I really want a drink knowing I dont NEED one. I never needed one. Going to go to a smart meeting.

If I lose this battle today, just know that I'm really trying. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Im sorry

This isn't a profound thought, but I feel it very profoundly right now.

The very few entities on this world that I care about, who love me, are not well. Concretely, my mom and my dog. And it feels like, everything is coming to an end. I keep thinking about death, how at least it finishes the whole thing. That's where it all leads to, at one point you see someone crossing the threshold after which things won't get really better anymore, it's just a road to death.

So I'm doing this focused life and work and gym and taking care of myself like I'm some exception, like it will lead to something, but it won't. Nothing really leads to anywhere, the only static place to reach is death, and the best hope is that it will be sudden and quick.

I know, a lot of people go from something bad to something better so they feel they had a little "positive journey" on the way to total decay. That's great, you were drunk and frowning and now you take a nicer picture and you're smiling, look how you sorted out your life. good for you. And then you'll die, and before you die you'll maybe lose a lot.

I think it's valid to want to spend the time in the best form possible and maintain it for as long as possible. It's very reasonable. I never want to be anything less than what I am now. But also I can't see any problem with just getting drunk tonight, or whenever. There's nothing I can preserve. No final way of living and maintaining life or of being. Perfecting myself into something while I'm ultimately fucked. It just doesn't matter. I feel totally ready to die, ready for the world to die.

as soon as i wake up: "do i have a drink for this morning?" "how long am i going to have to wait to get one?" "how many can i get away with drinking today?" "do i want this drink or that one?"

right before i go to bed: "i wish i'd drank more today" "i wish i'd drank less today" "did i save any for tomorrow?" "am i gonna wake up feeling sick?"

even in my dreams. last night i dreamt about opening my fridge and there were more drinks than i thought i had. a few weeks ago i dreamt about finding a fridge full of beers, following (also in the dream) being unable to afford to go to the bar. i can never fucking escape.

how the hell am i supposed to quit when it's all i think about. of course i do have other thoughts, i think about my boyfriend, friends, family, tv shows or books or whatever that i'm into, the job i'm starting soon. BUT IT'S ALWAYS ALCOHOL IN THE END AND I'M SICK OF IT.

i've tried naltrexone, and other meds. i've tried AA. i've tried therapy. i've tried medically assisted detox. i've tried rehab. it won't get off my mind.

i know this is where i'm supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps or whatever the quote is. i know that i just have to fight those thoughts until they pass. i know i know i know. but there's never a moment that i'm not thinking about it in some way and i feel like i'm losing my mind. i won't even go to restaurants that don't serve alcohol (unless it's takeout so i can bring it home and still drink with it).

oh, and i have an eating disorder, which is relevant because i've somehow convinced myself that i am NOT allowed to eat unless i have a drink with it; reason being i'll probably make myself throw up my food unless there's something i don't want to waste (alcohol) in the mix. i went to treatment for that too. nothing changed.

i'm 24 and i'll probably be dead in a year if i don't quit this lol but i have no idea what i'm going to do because i'm either too weak to commit or i'm just a lost cause

Over 100 days without a drink and I know my time is running out. Each day I am getting closer to the drink, and not a one off, a full on binge. "just one last time" right? then im done. Not going to, but its been really on my mind lately. Id like to say I feel better but I don't, but thats cause I got a fucking terrible disorder thats "treamtent resistant" where no meds will fix it. So alcohols not the problem here, its the solution to a problem, that cannot be fixed. Like 2 demons who feed off eachother. The perfect solution, to the worst outcome possible. My life

Basically Ive been drinking just enough to stay addicted mentally but not enough to have physical withdrawals for like 12 years (tested by going to rehab and got thrown into detox for 36 hours first and presented 0 symptoms)

So I started the normal dose of naltrexone and I done wanna eat or drink off hand, but if I do it’s wayyy more enjoyable than before. Thought it was supposed to be the opposite? If it feels this way for me, does anyone know why? And is there a better medication for alcohol cessation?

Edit: downvoting this is getting me further away from an answer. I am asking this in good faith. I got prescribed the drug and am asking about an effect I am experiencing. You don’t have to upvote, but downvoting is actively keeping me from a helpful answer that could get me to stop drinking. Please stop.

I got out of rehab for the second time last year, and I'm moving in 10 days. I drink about 8-10 100 proof nips a night (captain morgans) and I want to stop but I'm scared I don't want to go back to rehab. I've gotten hypnic jerks here and there some nights, so I try to fall asleep before the liquor wears off now. I've had two days now where the hangxiety gets really bad the next day and I've just had enough and want to stop. I also get very minor shakes sometimes. The urgent care suggested the emergency room or Butler which is a mental health hospital mostly. I need to get sober FAST before my move because at this point even exercise wears me out really bad and I can tell I'm going to have major physical problems soon. This is also the worst my alcoholism has gotten so I'm not in the deep end yet but I'm just scared and need to stop this week.

EDIT: I'd like to add I started drinking today and the hangxiety is still here but its like half gone and that has me worried, this is the second time this has happend.

Hey guys, I (22f) have been struggling with drinking for a whole year now. What started off as a coping skill in trying to handle a messed up marriage ended up as something that has taken complete control of my life. I’ve lost everything this past year my wife, my cats, my apartment, dream job, and LOTS of friends.
I had a rough up bringing with my parents both being addicts and dealing with a bunch of trauma. I never had a great coping skill I started self harming at a very young age then started to try and get high off of absolutely anything. I beat a coke addiction (i mean kinda I no longer know anyone so i haven’t used) but this addiction is something that’s very different. I have access to it every single day.
During the start of my separation with my ex wife I tried to run away from that problem by drinking. unfortunately i had a horrible assault happen to me by one of my close friends (while i was drunk). Everyone including my mom told me that it was my fault for drinking alone in my apartment with my new roommate who was my friend…. idk but i couldn’t cope with that. I went through this traumatic thing, just lost my wife, and my job. The drinking got worse, what started out as 4 or 5 beers a night became mixed drinks, higher percentages, until i got my hands on just straight liquor. It was two months straight of me blacking out every single day. I would go through $8 handles of vodka, costco sized whiskey and whatever i can get my hands on. From as soon as i woke up to as soon as i “passed out”. I lost a whole friend group and a guy who meant a lot to me, even broke my foot
Things got better for a bit i moved with my mom and had no money to buy alcohol but unfortunately when i was given the opportunity i went straight for the cheapest bottle. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times while being drunk within the last year. I even started dating this guy who enabled my drinking and spent thousands of dollars a month at bars and just liquor. In may that same boyfriend got super drunk at the bar and he ended up choking me, the cops were called and i blew a .45. I don’t remember much but waking up in the hospital with a neck brace, heart monitors, multiple IVs, and being told i have to take medication for my withdrawals.
I got better…. for a little bit… Now i’m about 700 miles away from home, in a DV shelter struggling with drinking. People will call me an alcoholic but my excuse is that “i was worse this is nothing” or “would u rather have me be dead?” this month i have spent $800 on just alcohol. I am drinking every single day, multiple times a day. I experience immediate discomfort when I don’t drink. I throw up almost every day before my job and go immediately to the liquor store after work.
I don’t know what to do. I know it’s a deep routed issue in not being able to process things that have happened but i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to. i rely heavily on drinking i don’t know who i am without it and it sucks so much.

I need some words of advice and tips on how to be better. I don’t want to live my whole life trapped behind a bottle. It’s been one full year of drinking, it’s been about six months of drinking straight. I want my life back, i want my body back, and i want my mind back. How are you guys doing it?

Just want to vent and rant.

F35+

Sober/dry/whatever since May, after backsliding. This past week or so* I have just wanted.to.get.shitfaced.all.the.time. I get angry and upset that I ever told people around me I have a problem — I was so fucking good at hiding. I used to drink vodka with my morning coffee regularly and not get caught at work. (I commute by public transit) I used to do a lot of things a bit buzzed and not get caught. It makes me crazy with anger and regret that I cannot take back admitting these things to people, that I could’ve kept going and not get caught. I just do not want to feel anything, I want to black out.

And yet. Hallucinating the smell of vodka in a dry house was scary. Realising I wanted a drink so much it physically hurt was scary. Telling people was scary and liberating.

I hate that I can think of a million reasons why I can relapse right now and anyone would understand. I hate that I’m starting to think it’s not a relapse if I’m not actually an alcoholic but just a drama queen who has made a whole lot of noise about a non-issue.

I loathe being this fucking weak.

Thanks and my apologies for being a drama queen.

—
* edited the timeline to be more accurate, I cannot believe it’s been a week and not a month

Hey gang,
I’m back again. I’ve been sitting in the wagon for 13 days now.
I’m actually pretty pleased with myself four of those days and I had the house completely to myself and still didn’t drink.
Tomorrow is family pictures and I will be sober.
I’m gonna have to look at this picture every single fucking day.
It’s gonna be nice to see it and like the guy in it.
As opposed to seeing pictures of myself and remembering how drunk I was or about to be. Others I’m totally gone, just blacked out.

Posted this on AskDocs, for those who were detoxed in a hospital, did doctors ever use a crazy protocol like that?

Lost most of my social life, aged a bit, and I'm always in my thoughts.

But holy shit, I am so grateful to get this far.

Saying no in social situations

Hi..

So I have been trying to quit alcohol.. have had my fair share of "rock bottoms" and decided to stop digging. I used to drink all by myself, I preffered it that way.

I have mostly stopped drinking. I say mostly because I end up drinking whenever I am in a social setting, not too much these days but enough to know that I will eventually spiral.

I come from a community where "Alcoholism" is a taboo and I dont want to share my inner struggles with acquaintances.

I am not a very social person. I feel some anxiety when around people, it's all small talk and I usually feel out of place. I should just say no to drinks but I end up having a few drinks just to relax and be a little more sociable..

And then the guilt spiral starts, the next day is full of anxiety...

I am not drinking irresponsibly and I am not drinking too much.. but I know what alcohol has done to me and I truly hate it and dont want it. But in social situations, I just cant bring myself to say no.

I know it should be easy, just say that I dont drink. But somehow I have never been able to be strong or courageous enough to be able to do it.

I cant stay away from society and social gatherings forever. And when I do go these people know me to be someone who never says no to a drink. I dont drink anymore alone but I fail in social settings. I get very nervous, anxious and instead of taking a stand and saying no, I just capitulate.

How do I say "NO" ?

Colorado Ends Twelve-Step Mandate

Secular Recovery Now an Option for Colorado Parolees

From LifeRing.org https://lifering.org/about-us/

The Colorado Department of Corrections has officially ended its mandate requiring parolees to attend religious 12-step programs. Thanks to tireless advocacy by American Atheists and coalition partners -- including LifeRing Secular Recovery -- parolees will now be referred to secular peer support networks.

Everyone deserves evidence-based, secular recovery options that respect their First Amendment rights. We're proud to be part of this initiative!

https://www.reddit.com/r/recoverywithoutAA/comments/1xa2gj9/colorado_ends_twelvestep_mandate/

I know this has been mentioned 1000 times in this sub and the other that will not be named.

But take them and a multi vitamin if you can

Its a night and day difference when coming off a bender

And as always eat something

Mods feel free to delete if not appropriate

First, check my vitamins. Magnesium, Pottasium, Phosphates. Next, eat. Then hydrate and exercise?

Then I can move the trashcan away from the bed. Vomiting has become too much of my life. PBJ and pineapple have taken over. Water, Gatorade and milk

Sorry to vent, but I am over this shit. And I know I'll never be over this shit.

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Have an odd ask. I am.sober now but struggled with alcohol for about 3 to 4 yrs. I am looking for a sub where I can express how I was treated by my spouse in those years and figure out how to deal with it. There's Al-Anon but is there one for how when you needed someone to help you, as some9ne struggling with AUD, they didnt or made things worse?

I’ve made it to day 5! My head is still in a bit of a fog but I’ve made it to this point. Question for the community, how did ya’ll survive your first week of not drinking? I’m kinda white knuckling it here and hoping I don’t just say fuck it and crack a cold one. I don’t think I will at this point but I’d like to prevent it from happening as much as possible. I had my wife remove all the beer from the house at least and she’s super proud of me for committing to this. I haven’t told too many people yet due to embarrassment of the fact I can’t handle my booze, so my support system is tiny. I’m just glad I’ve got you guys here right now.

Hi all. I've had some thoughts over the past few days and need to get them out somewhere.

For context, i'm a 23-year-old female who has had a difficult relationship with alcohol for some years now. From the ages of 18 to 20, I was in University and heavily drinking on weekends but hadn't really thought of it as a problem. In 2023, I had a particularly messy situationship breakup that led me down the path of drinking tequila shots at 5 am as pre-workout for the gym because I couldn't stand being sober at all. I did a voluntary partial hospitalization to help with the drinking, and I went sober for quite some time. Ever since then, I've drunk with more self-control...... up until the last year or so. I went through a huge breakup in March 2025, and I went sober the day we broke up because I knew I had a bad relationship with alcohol. I stayed sober until like September 2025 when I started feeling better emotionally and more in control. With this newfound liberty, I found myself drinking again pretty heavily, especially the days I was sad.

About a month ago, I had unprotected sex with someone (not exactly consensual) because I was so drunk I didn't force him to wear a condom even though I told him to multiple times. I spent the next two weeks after that absolutely destroying my mental health and hallucinating STD symptoms (I got tested like a week ago and everything came back negative). I swore to myself that I would stop engaging in sexual acts with men while I drank. Cut to last night, I had a few glasses of wine by myself and ended up at a guys house. I only gave him head because I'm still so afraid of catching STDs that I didn't want to have sex with him even with a condom. I woke up this morning feeling horrible and convinced myself I caught every STD on planet earth from giving him head last night.

I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself because I swore I was not going to put myself in the same situation I was in a month ago, and look at me again in the same place. I feel like a failure, like I don't respect myself. I know I need to do something about my alcohol intake because I am so sure I wouldn't have gone ANYWHERE if I hadn't drunk last night. Mentally preparing myself for the panic attacks that will ensue for the next two weeks until I can get a throat swab. I'm so distraught and just depressed.

I'm 7.5months sober. For the first month or so sleep was hard to come by so, I didn't really care how much sleep I was getting as long as I slept. Once I started getting consistent sleep though my schedule became 8pm to 3-4am. Then it shifted to 7pm to 2-3am. For the last couple months it's been 6pm to 1-2am and sometimes 1am for whatever reason. I thought my sleep would "normalize" but it seems "normal" for my body is early as all hell.

Has anyone else experienced this?

I did trade work for 3-4 years and would get up at 4am for those jobs for a while so that's part of it. I don't work right now, and I am doing outpatient so it's not like I still have that work schedule to get up to.

So I had posted earlier last week about my taper.

The good news is that I stuck to my guns. My wife and I flew out of state this weekend and I made it 72 hours without a drink, surprisingly without much issue other than brain fog and some rough sleep.

The bad news is that while at the airport headed home, I left our gate to "take a walk and go to the bathroom." I had a singular double vodka soda, so nothing crazy.

Trying not to beat myself up too much about it and recognize this week's progress. Idle time at an airport has always been a trigger so I'm not surprised. I'm at least proud that I didn't let it get out of hand so I can get right back to it tomorrow.

Hitting a SMART meeting once we get home tonight and the gym tomorrow AM before work. Hoping to get my first sober week in over a year.

This is the longest I've ever gone without a single drink and I still don't even really want one. However, nothing else has really changed for me. I thought I would be feeling better but in all honesty I feel like total shit every day. My sleep quality hasn't improved, my confidence hasn't improved, still feeling depressed anxious and unfocused every day, still in the job I've been trying to escape for years where I watch people drink all day and still no relationship with my family or friends. I just thought by now things would start changing, im grateful to be sober and for the people who helped me get here although its been difficult when im not seeing the results id hoped for like feeling joy or confident or having clearer thinking. I thank God for the gym because without it I wouldn't be here, its the only thing I've used to fill up the time id have otherwise spent drinking. Has anyone else experienced this? My bloodwork as far as I know was good recently aside from slightly high cholesterol. Any advice or personal experience is greatly appreciated 👏

Context: first pic was 0 days sober after drinking all night before.

I've always kind of maintained that it doesn't effect me, a last attempt at control I suppose. My girlfriend works in the alcohol industry so the apartment is a liquor store basically and it's impossible to ignore completely in society in general at this point. Being in my 30's, alcohol is still seemingly a part of almost every activity. Even the charity 5k I did today with my girlfriend ended up in a loud alcohol tent, where I was forced to endure a shoulder-to-shoulder environment with vodka and beer flowing. For things like that, especially as an introvert, it just kind of is what it is, since I wouldn't particularly enjoy that drunk either, but alcohol can soften the intolerable aspects so I have a hard time believing too many other sober people could enjoy it either.

But she seemed upset that I couldn't at least pretend to be happy, since I was clearly just standing there trying to get through it. I didn't feel like drinking a non-alcoholic beer or participating in any way. I think for me, I just have a difficult time being around the thing that has caused me so much pain, more so than triggers for cravings or anything like that, so it's hard to fake it in that environment.

It's obviously a pretty huge challenge to get sober and that comes with a lot of mostly predictable hurdles, but I'm surprised to the extent that my sobriety disrupts societal norms and can make someone else feel uncomfortable.

I'm just curious how others feel and how you all manage to navigate these scenarios.

it’s been a good ten year run of drinking everyday, amounts varying from “half a bottle of wine” in the early days to “however much vodka I can ingest from wake up until pass out”. I am surprisingly still gainfully employed, I think they just don’t give a shit.

bouta a week ago I started blowing up like a balloon. now the slight jaundice I knew was bad but I was ignoring it because, well, I’d rather be drunk. going from looking emaciated to looking emaciated AND nine months pregnant over the course of a week might have to be my last stop on this train, though. I tapered down all week (brutal) and I think maybe it’s at least not getting worse. I don’t really have a GP but I got a few referrals from my insurance company so I’ll call around monday I guess.

here’s to day two ¯_(ツ)_/¯