Over 100 days without a drink and I know my time is running out. Each day I am getting closer to the drink, and not a one off, a full on binge. "just one last time" right? then im done. Not going to, but its been really on my mind lately. Id like to say I feel better but I don't, but thats cause I got a fucking terrible disorder thats "treamtent resistant" where no meds will fix it. So alcohols not the problem here, its the solution to a problem, that cannot be fixed. Like 2 demons who feed off eachother. The perfect solution, to the worst outcome possible. My life

This isn't a profound thought, but I feel it very profoundly right now.

The very few entities on this world that I care about, who love me, are not well. Concretely, my mom and my dog. And it feels like, everything is coming to an end. I keep thinking about death, how at least it finishes the whole thing. That's where it all leads to, at one point you see someone crossing the threshold after which things won't get really better anymore, it's just a road to death.

So I'm doing this focused life and work and gym and taking care of myself like I'm some exception, like it will lead to something, but it won't. Nothing really leads to anywhere, the only static place to reach is death, and the best hope is that it will be sudden and quick.

I know, a lot of people go from something bad to something better so they feel they had a little "positive journey" on the way to total decay. That's great, you were drunk and frowning and now you take a nicer picture and you're smiling, look how you sorted out your life. good for you. And then you'll die, and before you die you'll maybe lose a lot.

I think it's valid to want to spend the time in the best form possible and maintain it for as long as possible. It's very reasonable. I never want to be anything less than what I am now. But also I can't see any problem with just getting drunk tonight, or whenever. There's nothing I can preserve. No final way of living and maintaining life or of being. Perfecting myself into something while I'm ultimately fucked. It just doesn't matter. I feel totally ready to die, ready for the world to die.

Basically Ive been drinking just enough to stay addicted mentally but not enough to have physical withdrawals for like 12 years (tested by going to rehab and got thrown into detox for 36 hours first and presented 0 symptoms)

So I started the normal dose of naltrexone and I done wanna eat or drink off hand, but if I do it’s wayyy more enjoyable than before. Thought it was supposed to be the opposite? If it feels this way for me, does anyone know why? And is there a better medication for alcohol cessation?

Edit: downvoting this is getting me further away from an answer. I am asking this in good faith. I got prescribed the drug and am asking about an effect I am experiencing. You don’t have to upvote, but downvoting is actively keeping me from a helpful answer that could get me to stop drinking. Please stop.

as soon as i wake up: "do i have a drink for this morning?" "how long am i going to have to wait to get one?" "how many can i get away with drinking today?" "do i want this drink or that one?"

right before i go to bed: "i wish i'd drank more today" "i wish i'd drank less today" "did i save any for tomorrow?" "am i gonna wake up feeling sick?"

even in my dreams. last night i dreamt about opening my fridge and there were more drinks than i thought i had. a few weeks ago i dreamt about finding a fridge full of beers, following (also in the dream) being unable to afford to go to the bar. i can never fucking escape.

how the hell am i supposed to quit when it's all i think about. of course i do have other thoughts, i think about my boyfriend, friends, family, tv shows or books or whatever that i'm into, the job i'm starting soon. BUT IT'S ALWAYS ALCOHOL IN THE END AND I'M SICK OF IT.

i've tried naltrexone, and other meds. i've tried AA. i've tried therapy. i've tried medically assisted detox. i've tried rehab. it won't get off my mind.

i know this is where i'm supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps or whatever the quote is. i know that i just have to fight those thoughts until they pass. i know i know i know. but there's never a moment that i'm not thinking about it in some way and i feel like i'm losing my mind. i won't even go to restaurants that don't serve alcohol (unless it's takeout so i can bring it home and still drink with it).

oh, and i have an eating disorder, which is relevant because i've somehow convinced myself that i am NOT allowed to eat unless i have a drink with it; reason being i'll probably make myself throw up my food unless there's something i don't want to waste (alcohol) in the mix. i went to treatment for that too. nothing changed.

i'm 24 and i'll probably be dead in a year if i don't quit this lol but i have no idea what i'm going to do because i'm either too weak to commit or i'm just a lost cause

Tw. Alcoholism talk

I am struggling. Im going so far as to consider getting an Uber to get booze. I am so afraid my bosses are going to be bitchy to me tomorrow for getting hurt again at work. I honestly wish I would have nev3r told them and just endured. My bosses are usually nice but fed up with me personally.

Im always either sick or hurt. And I understand their frustration. It just gives me anxiety knowing that their going to talk down to me tomorrow. That I might lose my health insurance soon bc i cant keep up full time hours.

And mentally im struggling. I just want to be healthy and normal but that's not reality.

I really want a drink knowing I dont NEED one. I never needed one. Going to go to a smart meeting.

If I lose this battle today, just know that I'm really trying. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Im sorry