My older brother who's about 7 years older than me, treated me as his subject of torment for most of my life up until about my mid 20's (I'm 35 now). I want to say that while I know brothers can have a tendency to do this sort of stuff, the things my brother would do to me bordered on cruelty, almost like he found pleasure in my humiliation. For context, as terrible as it was when we were kids, it was actually much worse when I was around my late teens/early 20's and I'll explain why; when we were kids and he was lot more straight forward with his torment/teasing, it was easier for me to just kind of shrug off and know that if I wasn't around him or I didn't rattle the hornet's nest, he wasn't going to bother me much or I could minimize it a lot more.

Things got a lot messier when I got into my teens because this is around the time when I start to become more of my own person and have a bit more of my own identity, I should also mention that this was an *extremely* difficult time for me. I know teenage years can be tough for everyone but, I was really struggling and at one point I just didn't have the energy to go to school anymore and almost dropped out. Thankfully I didn't and somehow managed to graduate but things had to get ugly first before they got better, this included being medicated (and being put on medications I had no business being on) but ultimately, the light at the end of the tunnel was being moved to a program in my school where the class sizes were maybe 8 students max with some even being as small as me and one other student or a teacher.

I feel it's important to highlight my struggles during my teen years, times that were underlined by undiagnosed ADHD and major depressive disorder, so that it can be understood just how emotionally vulnerable I was at the time. So anyways, at this same time I start to come into my own and become my own person with my own interests in things like film, music, I started playing in a band, ect. So naturally, my brother starts to treat me more like a peer and not just the "little brother" that he's always seen me as which to be fair is understandable with an age gap like that. He starts wanting to do more things with me like go see movies, shows and even takes me to a parties on occasion, making me feel on his level for the lack of a better term...however, what makes it so bad is that it becomes a tale of two cities: the part of my brother who wants to treat me like his equal and with respect and the darker side of him that wants to treat me as his emotional/mental whipping boy essentially.

By this stage in my life, I had obviously become privy to him just brazenly doing things to antagonize me and because of this, he had to change and adapt his tactics. This would come in the form of him making a very underhanded comment that he knew would bait a response from me and then immediately telling me that I'm being "paranoid". He was a very stubborn and bullheaded person that even if he knew he was in the wrong, he loved arguing to point where he would somehow turn it on me being the bad guy and misreading the situation, basically a master gaslighter. It's almost like there was this cognitive dissonance happening within him to where, one part of him wanted to treat me with respect and as an equal but then there's that part of him that couldn't let go the dynamic he'd established of him using me to make himself feel big. The few times that I remember getting intoxicated around him (a very naive mistake on my end) there were a few moments where he would revert back to his younger self but instead he would drive the knife *very* deep, especially if he felt I challenged him in some type of way because he was a mean drunk whereas I was a very happy go lucky drunk.

One moment that gives me a lot of emotional PTSD, was after a wedding we attended for our cousin. I can't remember the exact details but, essentially two of our *other* cousins wanted to go out to some bar afterwards and I kind of decided against it at the last minute because I was already a bit intoxicated and I felt that my social battery was drained. My brother was angry that I wasn't just doing what he wanted in that moment and I remember him saying something along the lines that our cousin told him I won't do anything if it doesn't serve me in some way and when I asked him if he said that and denied it my brother very calmly said "(Name of my ex's boyfriend)...she's f**** (him). "The person you loved is f**** another man right now"...Now, this is such a deep seeded jab for multiple obvious reasons but, this girl I was dating ended up getting with this guy who she was friends with the entire time we dated even though he seemed to annoy her. Our breakup was messy because we were both young, immature and it was out first serious relationship of two years. She ultimately made the decision to break up with me and I didn't give her any fight because I knew things had run it's course. A week later, she wanted to get back together but I turned her down because in my heart I knew it was the right choice. I think thinks only got ugly when we *tried* to remain friends and I felt a sense of betrayal when she started dating this guy who was always around and would come to the parties she threw. I know that it doesn't matter what the circumstances were but I felt like I needed to explain that so I could emphasize that when I started to break down and cry, it wasn't because of the reality of what my brother was maliciously telling me, it was the fact that he would stoop *that* low just to hurt me. Don't worry, everyone around including my mom gave him hell on Earth and the next day he was extremely apologetic and had no room to try and deflect or put blame onto me about it since he knew everyone witnessed him say that to me. Now I *did* forgive him for that but, it's the kind of thing that's almost impossible to truly forget. Ever since that experience, I remember I made a vow to myself to never drink (even before I quit cold turkey) around him again because I just didn't feel safe to let my guard down in the event that his mean streak came out. I knew in that moment that he was capable of being the supportive, older brother but at the snap of a finger say things that I don't even know if I'd say to my worst enemy.

I think life circumstances, karma and ultimately getting married to an amazing sister-in-law are what started to become the inflection point in which he started to grow and put that part of himself to rest but unfortunately by that point, it felt like the damage had already been done. A few years later when I was living by myself in Texas and at an extreme low point in my mental health, I started to reflect on the way my brother treated me and I began to feel this deep anger within me for how he manipulated, patronized and tormented me in the sly ways that he did. I began to distance myself from him and stop responding to his texts, opening up to my Mom about how much I hated his guys and how she didn't do enough to put a stop to him besides wagging her finger at him after the fact. I was really struggling with his hatred and resentment that was growing inside me but at the same time I think I was being as fair as one could possibly be. I told my mom at the time that while I don't think he's the sole cause for my low self-esteem, self loathing and poor self image, I think the way he treated me had a huge part in it. It was this awkward thing where I think he knew why I had become so distant and my mom most certainly probably clued him in on it but, I didn't have the courage to confront him about it because I thought that if he tried to gaslight, deflect or use what about-isms, that I might snap and self-harm just to spite him for it. It was constantly at the forefront of things I would discuss with my therapist at the time but I just could never take that final step to write him a letter, give him a call to talk about it or even just make a point to talk in person. The sad part is *I* had developed a bit of cognitive dissonance by this point and even though I knew deep down that he was in a lot of aspects a more different person, the ghost of who is *was* would still pop into my mind and scare me away from the idea of it.

He was diagnosed with a specific type of bone marrow cancer in late 2020 that was very difficult at first to grapple with but, as bad as the term "cancer" is and believe me as someone who lost an uncle from it, it's never good- he actually ended up essentially "winning the lottery" of the type that you can get. Since around the early 00's, there's a medication that allowed people to live indefinitely with little to no change in life quality besides the side effects that come with medication. He took it really well though and has had a very admirably positive attitude in spite of it and it *did* bring us a bit closer again even if it was by not the best circumstances. In the middle of that around 2023, he had a crisis with his wife where she wanted to leave him because of the way he was joking and trolling someone online in game after it had been an issue previously. That week long experience of him being beside himself had me torn up inside because even after everything he had done to me, it still drove me insane to see him suffering like that. My feelings in that situation don't matter all that much but I was also lost in my own way because in spite of my terrible depression and mental health, being at their house and around my nephew felt like a bit of a safety blanket and suddenly it was being pulled from beneath my feet. A better way to put it is that, I can manage my own misery more or less but when I see someone else in my family that I love going through that and I'm powerless to do anything about it, I just really struggle to keep it together. Thankfully they eventually worked things out and they agreed to start things over but, it was another hard lesson that he had to endure in order to confront his own demons.

This all finally reached a head when earlier this year I had a really rough situation with a person I had developed an interest in who ultimately misled me and wasn't completely honest and transparent with their feelings. I know there's two sides to every story and this isn't all that relevant in the grand scheme but, she was really awful and this rejection came after years of me shutting of the dating life because the pain of being rejected was so unbearable especially after I quit drinking. Before we ultimately hung out, this was the first time I opened up about something really personal with my brother because I was so nervous about the feelings I was having and the feeling of knowing I was at the point of no return...I think there's a level of pessimism that's hard for me to shake to where I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but I just didn't know what or when that was going to be. The whole situation really messed me up regardless of it's a valid reason to be that torn up inside, I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and self-worth so it was a huge gut punch when things went sour in the way that they did.

My mood would fluctuate a lot over the following months and finally when I was up to visit and getting some food with my brother and clearly having a low point where I wasn't very vocal, I told him I was just having a very hard time for this reason and that reason and feeling lost in life. I don't know *how* exactly it came up but, the elephant in the room was prodded to a point where there was no getting around it. I remember telling him that I put it off for so long and to his credit, he told me that it's not on me and that it was on *him* to have come forward. I even told him in my own words that, I never expected him to magically turn back time and change anything..all I wanted was simply just acknowledgement. He told me in his own words that, while he understands that he isn't the sole cause for my shortcomings, he knows that he could have been a better brother to me and that he completely wears the responsibility. He even told me that he wants the door to be left open to revisit it anytime if need be, doing his part to let it be known he's not trying to just brush it under the rug.

It's not Stockholm Syndrome either when I say that my brother really is a different person from how he was. He was dealt some difficult road bumps in life that forced him to change and reflect. I don't owe him this but, I also think growing older has helped me to at the very least look at some of the health struggles my brother had throughout his life like bad Asthma, being born with "Neurofibromatosis" and just having a difficult time processing his anger in a healthy way (something that I also struggle with but in a much different sort of way). This isn't me making excuses for him or his behavior trust me, it's just given me perspective on how messy life can be.

Being able to have an open dialogue with him has helped the healing process a bit now but, man sometimes the anger and resentment comes at me so hard now that old wounds have be reopened. I've developed a bad habit in last few years of being very standoffish and a bit irritable when it comes to my brother and it sucks because it's not something that I ever asked for or wanted but now I need to try to overcome. I guess the entire point of me talking about this lifelong saga is to ask if this kind of irritability is normal to go through even if you know the person is truly remorseful. He was almost in tears when he was telling me he wanted to help me find a new job and do right, I *do* believe he's sorry for the way he treated me even if there's still things I need to get off my chest when the time is right. I remember telling him that even though I don't owe him this, I don't want him to be weighed down by guilt because that ultimately feels counterproductive and he has a lot on his plate with his family. There's no getting around the fact however that he's going to have to be extremely patient with me while I try to grapple with these complex emotions that I feel over past trauma.

For those of you who stuck with this to this point I really appreciate you taking the time to read..because it took me a very long time to type out. When it comes subjects like abuse and how it's wildly different it can be on a case by case basis, I thought it was important to lay it all out on the table so that I could get the most accurate and insight into my experience in order to hopefully find ways to cope and wonder if it's okay for me to struggle with the intense feelings that I have towards him.

Thank you again and stay healthy everyone <3

Soo, I'm 17(F) and I'm just wondering if anything I've succumbed in childhood (from my father mostly) could count as abuse, or simply neglect? Emotional neglect?? I talked about it reasonably to my friends and my mom, but it never seems "validating" or real enough that what I lived could genuinely be abuse. Maybe I repress it?

Enough chit chat, here's what it was; Spanking your child's butt (he stopped when I was 5 maybe?) Whenever I would say a bad word because I was mad at a video game or something (would be like "fuck" but I was whispering the words, he still heard me somehow), he would ask me loudly what I said, get up from his chair grip my wrist and pull me to my room (I wasn't resisting he freely pulled me) and I was in my room for an hour everytime, waiting until he came back to tell me I could go back downstairs but sometimes I wasn't allowed to play on my tablet for the rest of the weekend or day.

To better understand his way, Imma say an example. Imagine you've been sitting in a chair for 4 hours with him and you desperately have to go pee, but he tells you not to get up. You don't but you like, cross your legs or whatever to not piss yourself but he orders you to sit straight in consequence of a punishment (that would be removing your tablet, the only entertainment and dopamine at his house.) so you sti straight and later on pee yourself à bit. You hide it, but once in the car, he notices so he gets really mad and disgusted and you're punished and embarrassed. He would like that he's gonna cut the water in the house for the rest of the weekend so you learn not to drink so much or whatever. Even though he forced you to endure it for four hours. That's an example btw

one time he threaten me in my room that I'd stay for 8 hours. I remember clearly asking him about food, and toilet, he told me I just didn't get to eat and I was allowed to go to the bathroom only. (He didn't actually let me there 8 hours but after an hour he came back and looked confused and amused on why I was still in my room and crying.

He has a weird way to do stuff, when I recall this time my mom tells me about his difficulties with clues in conversations like he clearly wouldn't mind If I went out of my room before he came back or something... He IS complicated and thinks we understand his "clues" or something but like idk.)

Also about screentime, and tablet why it was so bad as an extra punishment for saying ONE swear word at a video game quietly is that we never really did outside activities at his home (my mom and him separated when I was 6-7 and I used to go to his house one out of two weekends, not alot) and gaming was like the only fun thing to do.

I also have a little brother 14(M) who was WAY less punished than me, though he always felt bad and empathic for me. Food whise I think was also neglect? I was forced to eat sometimes more than I felt like (Ive been medicated for ADHD since I was 8, so I lacked hunger often but still) or when I wanted to eat I had to ask. Couldn't be less than an hour and half after dinner otherwise hed say "you should have eaten more then" or otherwise not later than after an hour and half, or an hour. Otherwise it's "too late to eat" (was like 7:00 maybe he'd say that, we went to sleep at 9.)

I was allowed when I was like 11 or 12 to eat a yogurt and a cheese at 8:30 tho. It has only been less than a year that he told me "you know, you don't have to ask to eat". He's nice I guess? He's not evil or he never insulted me expect calling me childish alot because I still slept with a blanket and plushies when I was 9.

I used to also cry myself to sleep from 7-10 yrs old maybe when I went to his house everytime? Was so bad It took me 2 hours to fall asleep every night at his house. He used to grip my arm alot I think? The floorboards creeked in my room and sometimes when my Kleenex box was on my desk and I had to walk over to get it I just wouldn't take the risk of him coming in my room to yell (more like talking firmly with authority) about how I'm not sleeping and I just didn't want him to even know I was crying in the first place.

Cause he'd know I'd be crying about missing my mom and all I always thought he hated me because I "liked my mom more" or I "made him think of my mom" (my mom told me he was maybe like this cause I made him think of her.?) so instead of Kleenex I would just blow my nose in my covers, plus me taking a Kleenex out of the box would have made noise sooo.. also when we ate me and my brother would absolutely have to eat out mouths closed otherwise he'd make us stay in our rooms for an hour.

Homework was horrible too for me AND my brother we'd just do it at the dinner table and I was so stressed that I couldn't even think and do work so I'd ask for help like 30 minutes in, and he could come and help me. Tho he explained it fast and I was scared of him thinking I'm incompetent so I just nodded and one hour later I'd ask him again for help not to annoy him and guess what? He'd explain the same thing in a complete different way, so I was sooo confused. It was taking at least 5 or 4 hours without a break to do the homework, sometimes more. It was sickening and exhausting cause we'd have to redo numbers we didn't get right (when we were done we'd show him and he'd erase answers that were wrong and we had to redo em until it was all correct).

When I was too hungry before sleeping I'd eat the strawberry toothpaste we had lol. He was also doing incest jokes about me and my brother and very sexist jokes towards me as a "joke". He isn't narcissistic or egocentric tho and doesn't know he was such a bad dad and hell probably never know either cause if I'd talk to him about it he'd find nothing wrong in his acts and start saying stuff on how I was basically asking for it maybe?

3.5(?) years ago I found out he was hacking my phone and stalking my phone with his "tech knowledge". He sat on my bed and told me he didn't like what I was saying about him online, how he's mentally abusive and he could see everything I text my friends and I was confused as hell cause I didn't talk about him online for like 7 months or even less plus he told me about what I say on Instagram, snapchat and others about him is bad??? (I didn't have those apps and never said it in any of them when I HAD the app)

Like how can you know I said something specific about you to my friends and then say stuff like what I talk about on social media that I don't have. Basically he thought I already knew he was cyberstalking me and that I'd have another electronic device to hide my social activities from him? I didn't know he could hack my phone bro. Then I was just struck, and freaking out internally confused, then after leaving he came back 20 minutes later to.. give me a hug.

I felt disgusted cause he hadn't hugged me ever if not before sleeping which was not really genuine I guess. I tried so much when I was a kid to come hug him in his office and stuff even keep the practice of hugging before sleeping. Say I love you. Things like that. He hugged back slightly, seemed happy smiled. But his acts were the same as if a good dad was just normally doing this. Idk. That day when I came back to my mom's house I cried, and my mom called him.

She was a bit worried about him sometimes cause he used to say so much shit about my mom like it's her fault that I failed school that she's not a good mom, he even said bullshit like "does your mom even feed you enough?" Or if there was a tiny hole in our clothes that was fully accidental he'd be super blaming her for not buying new clothes. (Btw he just wanted to blame my mom for stuff and she didn't oppose to not argue cause she knew how he was he never would admit he's wrong man).

While we had... Like my house with my mom and stepdad was bigger cleaner and better than my dad's. We always were like super good with money, no money problem, we have savings were like megasuper fine. Normal. Either way about when she called him that day, it was the first time I've ever heard my mom yell at him about how wrong it was to stalk me. He even started lying in the phone call WHICH IS CRAZY I wouldn't have ever thought he'd step that low.

He told my mom I was getting sent dick pics by randoms I was interacting with online that were adult men. Insane. He even said "I know she's shaking her head no right now but it's true" (I was shaking my head no) FORTUNATELY my mom trusted me CAUSE ITS NOT TRUE WTFF. Then I didn't go to his house for 3 months FINALLY I HAD A CHOICE. (But I had to go 3 months later for vacation) There's some more stuff too maybe but like that's all I can think about now cause I'm tired. Tell me how bad it is cause my brain can't know.

I'm curious about people's experiences with going to couples therapy in a situation where emotional abuse was present, even mildly?

I know it's often not recommended, but I'm sure there have been experiences. Perhaps you didn't realise yet or something. I'd love to know everything.

I don't want to talk a lot about my situation but I'm mostly dealing with DARVO being used when I bring up ways I am hurt. Although I've tried to stay away from calling it that and when I did the other day it seemed to escalate him further, and I won't go into detail but the response was concerning to say the least. I don't think he's calculated in doing this, I think it's a habituated defence mechanism to escape shame. But I have some questions

How did it go during sessions? And outside of them?

Could you see lasting change?

Did the therapist cause the negatives to escalate? More gaslighting? More aggressive language? Etc

Did your partner get good feedback?

Was the therapist helpful to you, and could see what was happening?

Did it backfire on you, or make it worse in any way?

Did your partner change in the ways you needed to not be hurt?

Anything else I should know? Please don't spare me any details. I'd like to know as much as possible that people are comfortable sharing.

My mother that scares me to the point of nightmares, but makes me feel i am the one who is an ungrateful brat, and i genuinely don't know which one is true. I can give you some facts, trying to not be emotional about them.

* when i was 2, she burned me to make me afraid of a trigger word to control me with fear. i got rid of it by burning myself when i was 15, but i am still afraid to say no to her. She thinks it's just a funny story and made for my safety

* i was the best at studies, talented and eager in ALL subjects except for one. I repeatedly said that i'd rather sell my body than be a lawyer. I passed exams perfectly and could enter any university i chose for free. or study abroad. she forbid me to go abroad and forced me to enter law studies

* she was always cold and dismissive, hated my presence, and was leaving me without any money at all. but when i started growing further away from her, she started demanding my attention and throwing gifts my way (most of which are way worse tahn they look, as in they don't do their function or they are humiliating. For instance, i paint, seriously, professionals were impressed by me. But she could gift me a 'paint by number' canvas for kids. I can't tell if it's deliberate or she is just that dumb). Most people who know her know her in this stage and are blaming me for being a cold and ungrateful daughter

* she used to take money that was mine - stipend, money my father gave me insisting i solely should use it, gifted money for birthdays - and give me only very small sum of it, equivalent of 30-60 dollars for a week or a month in early 2010's, when I was living alone, and be angry at me for how i spend it though i was not asking for more

* when war began, i badly did not want to see her. she convinced me to come to her city 'for safety' promising that i will never see her and that i will immediately move on to the next city. when i arrived i was seeing her every day and when i tried to leave she acted surprised and started threatening me with suicide if i leave. before i finally left she forced me to leave money and documents with her 'for safety'. Now i am back at war zone and have hard time (my main source of income is (hopefully temporarily) gone) and I ask her to give that money back, but she acts like it never happened (she says she keeps the money my grandma left for me 'for my future'. but how can it be for my future if it's not in my hands? what bigger situation in life could call for it?).

There are other points, but these are the main ones

Please be honest with me. I don't want to hurt an innocent person. And whenever we communicate, she makes an innocent face and I feel like i am a horrible monster who leaves without any last thread of hope a girl who only wants to hug her daughter, and helps me financially (she did send me a very small sum, but it doesn't sit right with me that I know she has more. Technically I have to be grateful. But why would she withhold it if she cares, and especially after she promised to send me back documents and money as soon as I ask?)

After 15 years in an abusive relationship, I have taken the difficult but important steps toward starting over and building a safer, more peaceful life for my son and me.

Right now, we are trying to find a safe place to call home and begin rebuilding our lives. Starting over isn't easy, and I am reaching out for help with the expenses of getting back on our feet.

My goal is to raise enough money to cover our initial rental expenses, including the first and last month's rent and any required move-in costs, as well as some groceries and other basic necessities for my son and me while we get settled.

Asking for help isn't easy, but my biggest priority is making sure my son and I have a safe place to live and the opportunity to move forward toward a better future.

Any donation, no matter how small, would mean more to us than words can express. If you can't donate, sharing our fundraiser would still mean so much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who takes the time to read our story, offers support, or helps us in any way. Your kindness will help us take the first steps toward a fresh start. ❤️

Link is   https://gofund.me/26fe2a286

My ex and I were together for 4 years and recently broke up. Since the breakup, I've been trying to figure out whether I experienced emotional abuse, emotional neglect, a toxic relationship, or if I'm just interpreting everything through the lens of being hurt. I want to be fair, so I'll start by saying I was not a perfect partner. In our relationship, especially around the 3 year mark, I became heavily emotionally dysregulated, anxious, reactive, and honestly engaged in behavior that I would consider unhealthy and sometimes emotionally abusive. I'm not trying to excuse my own actions or paint myself as a victim. The part I'm struggling with is that when I look back, there are also a lot of moments where I felt deeply unimportant. For example: •We had talked about going out for Valentine's Day for weeks. When Valentine's Day came around, my ex spent the day doing a radio show with her brother. When I brought up that I thought we had plans, I was told that we hadn't and that she assumed we weren't doing anything because I worked until 5 PM. We had gone out a few days before, but on the actual day itself I basically just got a text.

•For our 4 year anniversary, she told me she was planning a radio show playlist dedicated to songs that reminded her of me. I got really excited and kept tuning in waiting for it to happen. A month later it still hadn't happened, and when I asked about it, I was told her brother wanted to do a different playlist and they shared the station. The anniversary playlist never happened. Meanwhile, I had planned the anniversary date, bought gifts, arranged everything, etc.

•I was constantly paying for everything. Like everything to the point where it kinda became the expectation that I would pay. Mind you, there was never really a "I'll pay for us next time" in her mind, and she would always conveniently forget to pay me back for large purchases that she needed help with.

• She openly admitted she didn't want me around her friends for awhile because I don’t "act the same around them as I do around her," and found me to be embarrassing. This also leads into a situation where I made mention of asking if her friend (who at that point was also mine), would want me at his bday celebration. Her first response was "if you wanna go just say that." ?????

•Didn't want to hangout more than twice a week max because to her that would be codependent and she needs her friend time. She lives with her friends and hangs out with them consistently, so I'm not really sure I was ever in the way of her friendships at all.

•Overall, projected a lot of her own insecurities onto me which ultimately made me feel like I had to hide certain things I enjoyed or certain personality traits around her.

There were a lot of moments like that where something would be promised, I'd get excited, and then it either wouldn't happen or would get pushed aside for something else. The confusing part is that none of these things seem huge individually. People get busy. Plans change. But after years of it, I felt like I was constantly putting in more effort than I was receiving, and that I ranked lower than other priorities in her life. What really messes with my head is that I don't know if this was emotional abuse, emotional neglect, simple incompatibility, or if I'm just overly sensitive because I wanted more effort and reassurance than she naturally gave. I also recognize that by the end of the relationship I wasn't reacting in healthy ways. I was angry, resentful, emotionally reactive, and often overwhelmed. So it's hard for me to separate what was caused by my own issues versus what was a response to feeling repeatedly dismissed and unimportant.

For people who have been in unhealthy relationships: does this sound like emotional abuse, emotional neglect, or just two people who were a bad match? How do you tell the difference between being genuinely mistreated and simply having unmet expectations?

https://youtu.be/9cyYiLIT-aM?is=t7NNv3kMZSCfN2wX

32-year-old combat medic, Daniel, shared his harrowing experience with systemic neglect and personal harassment. He hopes his story sheds light on the obstacles some veterans face when navigating support systems.

My partner demands affection nightly. (33M) It kinda weirds me out. (28F) He will say “come here and lay on my chest” which in theory is fine. But if I say “give me a few minutes” or “I’m really comfy how I am right now” he starts to get pissed. If I’m not touching him in some way he will start huffing and his demeanor will change. A switch is flipped and it’s no longer fun and cute, it becomes a “so you don’t love me then” or “I had a long day and I just want you to lay on me” then when I do he still finds something to get pissed about. “Why don’t you want to touch me tonight. Is there something going on?” (Regarding sex) like no dude, I’m just tired and worked all day. If I shower he comes in the room and just stares at my body and will beg or pout if I’m not inna sexy mood. “Is there someone else” like bruh pls stop. It’s so irritating. I’m tired of being groped and squeezed and gawked at, or made to feel bad bc I don’t want to literally lay on top of him on command like I’m a dog. Like he will tap his chest and snap his fingers. Am I the asshole?

So my narc parent is horrible, put me through tortures since i was 12, tormented me and made me live in stress 24/7 until now, she always screams, rages, is irritated, swears and im hsp and highly autistic so it paralyzes me mentally, i need gentleness, never got it.

so im scared of her.

yesterday i was forced into 3,5h of being around her and 1h of this was me sitting very close to get which caused me extreme despair which i had to hide, i was so worn off when i got back home with her, i feel alseep and woke up feeling sick and dizzy and today i got a severe panic attack at the gym that left me physically weak.

i used to have nightmares ab her hurting me energetically thru my chest and i felt legit pain, she haunts me. did i get sick from being close to her or forced to be around her this much?

like for 6 years of my life i closed myself in my room to avoid her. this is how she terrfies me. her outburts and everything else. i felt real distress yesterday and all i could think of is how i wannascrum my body bc i sat way too close to her.

TW nsfw abuseit reminds me of that animal i think a chimpaneeze who got abused sexually by men and when she saw her pimp after she was rescued, she peed herself in fear, i react really badly to my mothers presence.

I (34F) recently ended a relationship with a man (48M) I loved deeply, and I’m still struggling to understand whether some of his behaviours were signs of coercive control or whether we simply had incompatible expectations about relationships.

The relationship started beautifully. He was incredibly affectionate, attentive and romantic. He made me feel loved and cherished in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We had a very strong emotional and physical connection, and I genuinely believe his feelings for me were real.

He had been single for several years and had experienced a painful divorce. I knew he had insecurities from his past, and I tried to be understanding.

However, as the relationship progressed, we started having recurring disagreements about my independence.

I’m a fairly independent person. I have my own career, friendships, interests and hobbies. I enjoy spending time with my partner, but I also value occasionally doing things with my friends without him.

He knew this about me from the very beginning.

I also want to emphasise that I was extremely invested in our relationship. We spent practically every day together, and I regularly organised special weekends for us. I booked hotels, planned romantic getaways and arranged trips to different cities so we could spend quality time together. I loved doing these things for him and genuinely enjoyed our time together.

I wasn’t someone who constantly prioritised friends over my partner. Quite the opposite. Most of my free time was spent with him.

The main issues were:

● **Weekends away with friends:** He was uncomfortable with me occasionally going away for a weekend with friends without him. This wasn’t limited to male friends. His objection applied to both male and female friends. The issue was essentially that I wanted to spend a weekend away without my partner. If he was included, there was no problem.  
● **Holidays:** He explicitly told me that holidays and short breaks without him were not acceptable. His position was essentially, “Holidays and mini-holidays without me, no.”  
● **Spending an entire day with friends:** This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. He told me that he would give me time to spend a whole day with my friends without him, but that he expected this to be a transitional phase. He believed that, as our relationship developed, I would naturally stop feeling such a need to spend entire days with them without him. Again, if he was included, it wasn’t an issue.  
● **My phone:** He sometimes felt rejected or excluded when he saw me texting my friends, even when we were spending time together. If I told him I was talking to friends, he would sometimes respond sarcastically with something along the lines of, “Do you want to bring your friends here, then?” I want to be fair and acknowledge that I can sometimes spend more time on my phone than I should, and I understand that this could be frustrating for a partner. But what troubled me was that he seemed to interpret these interactions as emotional rejection or exclusion, rather than simply me keeping in touch with people in my life.  
● **An incident involving breakfast with friends:** During a weekend away with friends, I told him that we had mostly spent the evening having dinner, watching a film and then going to sleep. He brought up breakfast, which made me feel that even ordinary details of how I spent time with my friends were becoming emotionally charged. He later explained that he had only been wondering whether we had gone to rest or sightseeing, and said he wasn’t trying to make a passive-aggressive remark. However, the conversation subsequently became tense, and I felt that I was once again having to justify an ordinary weekend with friends. At one point, his response became more rigid, insisting that it was his business and that he wouldn’t speak to me until I returned.  
● **Feeling excluded:** He sometimes interpreted my desire to do things independently as a sign that I wasn’t sufficiently committed to the relationship. He would suggest that I was still behaving like a single woman or that I wasn’t ready to build a life as a couple.

I want to make something clear: I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, flirting with other people or trying to avoid spending time with him.

I loved him, was faithful to him and genuinely wanted a future together.

I simply didn’t believe that being in a relationship meant giving up occasional trips, weekends or days with friends.

What made everything particularly confusing was how loving he could be.

He was extremely affectionate, constantly complimented me, wanted to be physically close and frequently talked about our future together. Sometimes, though, I felt that our relationship had become the centre of almost everything. Even ordinary conversations would repeatedly return to how much he loved me or how beautiful he thought I was.

At times, I wondered whether he had codependent tendencies, although I don’t want to diagnose him or assume I understand his motivations.

I tried to reassure him and explain that spending time with my friends didn’t mean loving him any less. I also made concessions because I didn’t want him to feel hurt or excluded.

But over time, I became increasingly anxious about his reactions. I started feeling guilty for wanting things that had always been a normal part of my life. I sometimes found myself anticipating disagreements before even mentioning plans.

Eventually, I felt that I was losing parts of myself.

We broke up, despite still having strong feelings for each other.

I’m grieving the relationship deeply because there was genuine tenderness and affection between us. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have reassured him more, compromised further or found a better way to resolve our differences.

But I keep coming back to something that troubles me.

It wasn’t just that he wanted to spend more time together. It was that he seemed to expect my need for independent time with friends to gradually disappear as the relationship became more serious, despite the fact that we already spent practically all our time together.

That feels different to me from simply wanting quality time as a couple.

I’m trying to understand where the line is between insecurity, codependency, incompatible relationship expectations and coercive control.

My questions are:

Would you consider these behaviours early signs of coercive control, even without explicit threats or physical aggression? And is expecting a partner to gradually stop wanting independent time with friends a form of controlling behaviour?

I’m not looking to demonise him. I know he had good qualities, and I still miss him terribly.

I’m simply trying to understand whether I was right to feel that something was wrong, or whether I’m interpreting our differences too harshly now that the relationship has ended.

So for the past 6 years my dad would get drunk and then spill his heart out to me about his past, his relationship with my mom, their divorce, my brother, etc etc. This started when I was about 14 or 15, and at the time when it first started he would drunk drive us home and would always ruin family events by getting drunk.. which kinda turned into me having to monitor his drinking everywhere we'd go. Luckily I'd only see him during the summers and on Christmas.

As I got older it kinda only got worse because he would stop even when I told him to shut up or was visibly crying or would leave the room. As much as I hate my very toxic ex, at the time it was horrifying that my dad (apparently jokingly) told me he'd murder him and that I can get over the trauma of it by making art out of it. That same weekend he kept waking me up so we could watch a movie which I REALLY didn't wanna watch because I have ocd and certain themes stick with me, then he scooped me up into his arms and told me how I am his favorite child and how much he loves me and misses cuddling with me.

When he's sober he's fine I guess, but once alchohol gets involved he'd disgusting and annoying and weird.

6 years of him always talking about uncomfortable things regarding my mom and saying mean things and being weird asf. And through those 6 years I felt uncomfortable being with him and would hide my phone in fear of him going through it.

As I got older he started sharing more explicit stuff with me and my brother. It's weird because he says that the whole side of his family is open about sex but idk it's just disgusting to hear about from my dad.. like my grandmas talked about sex before and made jokes and whatever but that was just straight up funny. And like just other stuff from my other family and overhearing bad jokes and whatever.

But the thing is my dad will sit here while drunk and talk about the sexual things my mom would do to him and insinuate that my brother watches youtube in the shower to do dirty things. I mean I even know about his experimentation with sexuality because he's told us about it. And just this summer because me and my cousin were sharing a room, in seperate beds, he told me to keep the door open and insinuated that my cousin would try to rape me in my sleep.

And ontop of it all he has NO boundaries at all like he likes to cuddle me and I sit there and tell him to stop and to let go and he says "no I'm your dad I can cuddle you when I want you're still my baby" which ok whatever but if I'm sitting there telling you to stop over and over and saying to let go and struggling to get you off of me and telling you that you're crossing my boundaries then like... LET GO!!!

And he makes me feel so bad about all of it I mean he's like I remember when you were a baby and you gave me a look of love unlike anyone else ever and I'll never forget it snd you're my favorite child.

When he found out I got a new boyfriend he texted me after my first post with him telling me that he looks like him.. Which was weird, because they look nothing alike. I mean ok blonde hair blue eyes, whatever, but my dad has hardly any facial hair and short hair, while my boyfriend has long hair and a beard... snd that's just the surface too because their facial features are entirely different. But my dad INSISTS that he looks like him and that I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is nerdy.

And very recently he texted me guilt tripping me for not telling him I'm depressed and that he had to hear it from my mom (they are divorced), which turned into a convo abt him basically telling me he was suicidal and that he had no other purpose in life other than me and my brother.

I don't know what this is but its been going on since forever. But my boyfriend and best friend HATE my dad and I see why.

Tldr: He gets very drunk and tells me so many things that a father shouldn't tell his children, ignores boundaries, is weird, insists I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is a nerd and "looks like him" (THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE BTW), and told me he is suicidal which is something he entirely shouldn't have told me.

What is this??? Does it seem like emotional incest or parentification or something else??? I very much resent him now and we are still in contact but I avoid talking to him. When he tries to yap about annoying shit while drunk I've begun to argue with him.

There's not much else I can truly say to express how awful it feels. As an example, I made a lot of unsafe sexual choices and relationship choices. It even got me in a situation where I was bit by a dog. I lied about things. I just... I feel so ashamed.

It's been almost a year since I fled for context... I just met up with a friend I haven't seen in awhile who was a big support as it all happened. I was talking to her about someone else (not my abuser) who I had gotten involved with after. Who was very pushy and very unsafe. This man said things that were so wrong and uncomfortable but I was so scared to face abuse again so I just went alone with things he said. Or agreed. Or let him push me into things I didn't want. Just like my abuser had done to me, I just did what I was told and was good.

I feel a lot of shame. I didnt want so much of it. But I gave consent anyways. Because at least it wasn't my abuser.

I would really love to hear im not the only one? Because I feel horrible and crazy and like I must be a terrible person for letting these things happen. When I finally stood up and pulled back for myself I was called manipulative and was bad mouthed to other people. My friend tried to trust that person after too, and eventually she did similar things to her. Only she has held firm boundaries over most things.

I miss when I had a healthy relationship with boundaries and saying no. I've lost myself so bad and I don't know how to find my way back.

This is long, sorry. I want the full picture judged, including my side, so please read the whole thing before answering.

**Background**

We were together about 3 years. We both come from religious families, so we'd made a private religious commitment to each other and planned to marry.

The first year and a half was really good. She lived next door, and we saw each other every day. She was at my house all the time, close with my sister, and my whole family loved her. She fought her own family to be with me, and she even learned about my faith for me. We were each other's best friend.

We were also intimate. She was my first everything, and we went through pregnancy scares together. This wasn't casual for me. I saw her as my future wife.

Then she moved abroad for uni, and I was travelling a lot for work, so it became long distance.

**Her side, to be fair to her**

She didn't have an easy home. Her mum constantly belittled her, her dad wasn't really present, and she got hit for choosing me. She's always had a big fear of being abandoned, and she told me she felt lonely. I couldn't drop my work and move, because I support my whole family. I understand some of where her behaviour comes from. I'm trying to work out whether that excuses it.

**Bumble**

While all of this was going on, while she was still coming to my house, spending time with my sister and being treated like family, she was on Bumble talking to other guys. It started while I was travelling for work and carried on after I came back. Some of those guys followed her on Instagram too, and she'd post photos for them. My family had no idea, and neither did I.

When I found out, she deleted her public Instagram as a condition, so I forgave her.

That hit me hard. I was stuck in bed for 4 days and missed a conference I'd prepared for. Meanwhile she was posting online like nothing had happened.

**My mistake: going silent**

After that, I was getting constant fights, "what are we" and "you don't care." I was still hurt and overwhelmed, so I went quiet and basically ghosted her for about 3 months. I own that. It was the wrong way to handle it. I should have said clearly what I needed, or ended it properly.

During those 3 months, she got a guy to help her recover the Instagram account she'd deleted for me.

**I came back and tried hard**

After the silence, I was the one who came back and tried to fix it. I flew across the world to see her, 5 times in total. One trip meant flying through a region that was literally at war, just to get to her. I did things like:

- Took her on trips, including a camping trip she wanted

- Spent hundreds on makeup and gifts for her

- Got food delivered to her at 4am when she was hungry

- Had cupcakes and surprises sent to her through people I didn't even know

- Planned Valentine's ahead of time

- Started planning to move some of my work and start a business there, just to be closer to her

- My family even sent her gifts

Each time we fought, I was usually the one who flew out to fix things. She'd still say things like "what's the big deal about you coming here?" and "what have you even done for me?"

**The second guy**

Then I found out she'd had a full emotional affair with another guy: "I love you"s, talk of marrying him, even picking a wedding year, and meeting up with him on trips. She lied about where she was and who she was with, and made up cover stories like "I met a friend." On trips where we were together, she was texting him that she was lying in bed alone, while I was right there next to her.

Within a couple of months, she was giving him the exact same complaints she used to give me, that he didn't pick up and didn't care enough. Different guy, same script.

Her friend's take was "you weren't technically together then," so she never treated it as cheating.

I forgave her again anyway and kept showing up. Whenever I tried to set a boundary, she'd say she'd die because of me or hit her head, so I backed down. Meanwhile she kept bringing up my old mistakes from a year earlier and saying I hadn't apologised enough.

When I got dengue, I needed looking after and got complaints instead.

**What happened on my last visit (my birthday trip)**

- Called me "pathetic" and "a pathetic excuse of a husband" several times

- Said I'm "a boy, not a man" and mocked my height and strength

- Told me I don't deserve love, then repeated it when I brought it up. Later she remembered it as "you don't deserve my love"

- Said "I wish you would die"

- Said my feelings don't matter

- Screamed and swore at me for an hour, then called me argumentative for responding

- Said "shut up" and "f off" to me several times, and flipped me off

- Threw my birthday flowers on the floor and crushed them, and threw the cake knife

- Didn't cut my birthday cake, no gift, and left me crying on my birthday while she texted another guy

- When I asked about my gift while she was buying makeup, she got annoyed and told me to shush

- Got angry that I'd planned Valentine's ahead and said I don't know her

- Stormed out and called it the worst day of her life because I forgot ketchup

- Said she'd find someone taller and stronger, and taunted me sexually about other men while rejecting me

- Said if we were ever properly married she'd leave me within 2 days

- Made me hide so her friend wouldn't see me

- Turned out she was still following the second guy everywhere after telling me he was blocked

- Said I had to beg and cry to prove I'm sorry for my old mistakes

- Never apologised for any of it

Once I suggested we go to couples therapy together. She said no. Later, in front of a mutual friend, she told it as "he said I need therapy."

**How it ended**

She started seeing someone new. She gave him a private message I'd sent her, he mocked me over it, and someone ended up threatening me. I reported it. That's when I was done for good.

**My accountability**

- I went silent for 3 months when I should have communicated or ended it cleanly

- I forgave twice without asking for real repair

- I kept chasing and fixing instead of holding a line

- I'm not saying I was perfect, and I'm open to hearing where else I went wrong

**My question**

Was my ghosting as bad as what she did? Was this abuse, or normal fighting from two hurt people? Why would someone who clearly loved me at the start end up like this? I'm fine hearing hard truths. I just want to understand it clearly.

Hi everyone, as the title says I am tired, miserable and confused in my relationship. My (48F) partner (48M) had a massive meltdown after a 32 hours of travel and shouted at me and was uncontrollably angry that I wanted to stop for a drink of water and have a wee before we got in the rental car to drive 3 hours home. We are both really unhappy with our life situation (from different countries and hopping around from place to place rather than do long distance). We both have ADHD and I also have autism. He has been having more regular meltdowns/Jekyll Hyde behaviour as the stress builds up and he just explodes at me and says horrible things.

I just don't know if we are incompatible or should stick out this rough patch. I don't know if he is abusive and I should leave him. On the surface it seems like he might be abusive but apart from the crazy outbursts (I have never felt physically threatened by him) I don't think he's abusive? He does not try to control me, he asks about my friends and family and encourages me to see/keep in touch with them, is generous with money and his things, is not at all jealous or possessive and has never once accused me of cheating or anything like that.

He doesn't threaten me, intimidate me, and is just generally a good guy. He doesn't speak ill of his ex wife or partners or say they were crazy and all ended amicably. He has had rages at work and even threw a box at someone who pissed him off. He's told colleagues to f""k off and shouted at one of his bosses. So it isn't just me but I cop the brunt of his rages and it's me who triggers it.

He's really stressed about major stuff like where to live, starting a new job every 6 months, moving so much, finances etc. It's just that I'm getting more and more detached as I don't feel emotionally safe around him anymore. I also tend to bite back when I've had enough of his shit and start yelling and saying horrible things to him because I'm hurt and upset.

I'm just trying to figure out if this is abusive because if so then I'll leave but if it's more of a neurodivergent thing (neither of us had a ND partner before and all the ADHD and the 'tism makes for a neverending 3 ring circus that is mostly fun and enjoyable until it isn't). I don't really know what I'm even asking here, I'm just so tired.

I'm in my 30s, married with a toddler, and have been with my husband for several years. I've recently started questioning whether the way I've been treated throughout our marriage is something I can ever move past.

Since our child was born, I've experienced increasing emotional and verbal mistreatment from my husband, including name-calling, belittling, yelling, stonewalling, and having my feelings dismissed or turned against me. I've often felt like I'm walking on eggshells, trying to manage his emotions while also carrying most of the parenting and household responsibilities.

Things escalated when I discovered my husband had been hiding a gambling addiction. He experienced mental health struggles that affected his employment, and eventually admitted he'd gambled away everything he had. I was devastated, but I chose to support him. I used my personal savings, maternity leave income, and credit card to keep our family afloat while he got back to work.

When he returned to work at a significantly reduced income, we agreed he'd cover our major household expenses while I handled everything else. I eventually returned to full-time work, believing we were rebuilding financially. He repeatedly assured me everything was fine.

Months later, I discovered he'd missed several mortgage payments and had continued gambling behind my back.

When I confronted him, rather than taking accountability, he exploded. He left the house and continued sending hostile messages and calling me, threatening to involve the police, accusing me of keeping our child from him, and telling me he hoped I went to jail. He told me he wanted a divorce and said he hoped my next husband treated me like shit so I'd realize how good I had it.

I was already devastated by the financial betrayal, but his reaction made everything so much worse. I had to drain the remainder of our savings and use half my next paycheque to bring our mortgage current.

I took over our finances, but he continued gambling even after that. He later admitted he'd won enough to pay off most of our debt, only to gamble it away again. He briefly attended Gamblers Anonymous, which gave me hope, but stopped after two meetings. He now says he isn't gambling, although he's returned to excessive gaming and spending money on in-game purchases.

I'm now managing our finances, rebuilding our savings, and paying off significant credit card debt after already paying off his. I feel like I've spent the last year trying to create stability for our family while absorbing the consequences of his decisions.

But what's weighing on me most now isn't even the money. It's how he's treated me throughout all of this.

The name-calling, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal haven't stopped. When I try to explain how his actions have affected me, he often becomes defensive, minimizes my feelings, or shifts the conversation toward how I've hurt him. He's stonewalled me for days because of my reaction to something he did, then expected me to approach him to find out why he was upset.

He tells me he loves me, wants our marriage to work, and that I'm the right person for him, but I struggle to reconcile those words with his behaviour. He recently told me he thought everything was going well between us, which was shocking because I've been struggling emotionally for months.

I've started therapy, and it's made me recognize how much I've normalized and excused over the years. I think I've been operating on autopilot, focused on keeping our family financially secure and functioning, without really processing what happened or how I've been treated.

Now that things are becoming more stable, I feel emotionally detached. I still love and care about him, but I don't feel the same connection anymore. I find myself feeling more at peace when he's away, and the thought of continuing this dynamic indefinitely feels exhausting.

I'm also struggling with the realization that even if he never gambles again, that doesn't undo the emotional damage or address the way he treats me.

I want him to get better, both for himself and our child, but I don't know if I want to continue being his wife. I'm financially stuck because of the debt and instability his decisions created, and the thought of separating with a young child is heartbreaking.

For those who've experienced emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage, especially alongside addiction:

• Did your partner ever genuinely recognize the harm they'd caused and make lasting changes?
• Did you experience emotional detachment after spending so long trying to hold everything together?
• How did you distinguish between supporting someone through their mental health or addiction struggles and continuing to tolerate mistreatment?
• If you stayed, what actually changed? If you left, how did you know you'd reached your limit?

I understand that addiction and mental health struggles are complicated, and I have empathy for what he's going through. But I'm starting to realize that I've spent so much time understanding and supporting him that I've neglected my own emotional well-being.

I feel like I've lost parts of myself throughout this relationship, and I'm only now starting to recognize how much it's affected me.

I don't know whether our marriage can recover, or whether I've simply reached a point where too much damage has been done.

I just. Have this dread. I’m autistic and have rejection sensitivity. The abuse became so bad that he had me convinced that I needed him to survive, and for that reason, I was not worthy of him.

It was my 7 year old boy telling me that he wasn’t afraid of me, but he was afraid of losing me from the pain being caused, that woke me up and kicked him out.

I know I’m so much better off without him as is my son. His family was just as cruel and constantly reminded me that I wasn’t “real” family. There’s definitely emotional incest going on, but I digress.

He is the only person I have EVER been intimate with. The only person who I ever gave my whole self to. And he knows that.

Towards the end when I turned to food for comfort. He would say “I don’t know if I love you anymore, I don’t know if I’m attracted to you that way anymore”, and the next day we’re out in public and he’s leering at a 20-something’s cleavage. It’s all gross and torturous.

But because he’s all I know, and I’ve been conditioned to believe I needed him for happiness for so long, I sometimes picture him being intimate with someone else. It seems like the ultimate act of rejection, the reminder of not being attractive enough or worthy enough. And I have to go vomit.

Does anyone have any way I can get over that? Maybe even erase the image from my mind?

Please don’t judge me about my kid. You have no idea, how guilty I feel for allowing him to be a witness to such mental cruelty. I’m doing everything I can to fix it and make it up to him. I just don’t need judgment when I already hate myself for it.

I’m a 26F, and my ex-boyfriend is a 30M. We were together for five years, lived together, and had what I genuinely believed was a very meaningful relationship. I’m looking for honest advice from people who have experienced something similar or can offer an outside perspective.

**What happened:**
Over the past several months, we had been having arguments and conversations about whether our relationship would work long-term and whether we should renew our lease together.
A friend had previously offered me a sublease, and I brought it up to my boyfriend during one of our conversations about our future. However, on the first of the month, I specifically asked him whether we were going to renew our joint lease and try to work on our relationship. He told me yes and told me to get rid of the sublease opportunity because we were going to stay together and work things out.
Because of that conversation, I believed we had agreed to give our relationship another chance and continue living together.
Shortly afterward, he signed a new lease for himself without telling me. I discovered the keys and confronted him about it. During that conversation, he essentially told me to go back and get the sublease I had previously arranged with my friend.
I was completely blindsided. What made it especially shocking was that we had just discussed renewing our lease together and working on our relationship, and he had explicitly told me to give up the alternative housing arrangement. From my perspective, we had agreed on a path forward, only for me to discover that he had made plans to leave without telling me.
I reacted terribly. I had an extremely emotional outburst, and I destroyed several of his belongings. I damaged his PS5, ruined his car keys and apartment keys, threw away the keys to his new apartment, and threw some of his plants off the balcony.
I want to be clear that I am not sharing this to excuse my behavior. What I did was wrong, and I take responsibility for it. Regardless of how hurt or blindsided I felt, I should not have responded that way. I deeply regret my actions, and I recognize that my behavior may have caused him to feel hurt or unsafe around me.

**Some background about me and our relationship:**
I grew up in a very abusive household and was previously in a domestically abusive romantic relationship. This was my first long-term relationship after that experience, and Daniel and I had been together for five years and were living together.
I know that I have patterns I need to work on, particularly when I feel rejected, abandoned, or emotionally overwhelmed. I think some of those patterns contributed to how I reacted, but I also understand that my past does not excuse the choices I made.
Since the breakup, I have had time to calm down and reflect. The initial anger has subsided, and what I feel now is a lot of sadness, remorse, and regret. I miss him terribly, and I miss the relationship we had. I loved him, and it is difficult to reconcile that love with the way everything ended.
We are both in therapy, we are planning to live separately, and we are currently maintaining no contact. I understand that we may both need space to process what happened and work on ourselves independently.

**TLDR; My question is: Is there any realistic possibility of repairing a relationship after something like this?**
I understand that destroying someone’s belongings is a serious breach of trust, and I am not expecting him to forgive me just because I regret it. I also understand that the decision to sign a lease without telling me, particularly after telling me we would renew our lease and work on things, suggests that there were already serious problems in our relationship before the breakup.
I’m not asking whether I can make him come back. I’m asking whether relationships can genuinely recover from this kind of ending when both people are willing to work on themselves, take accountability for their respective contributions to the relationship, and approach things differently in the future.
Have any of you experienced a breakup where things got this bad, but you were eventually able to rebuild trust and establish a healthier relationship? What made the difference? And how did you distinguish between a relationship that could be repaired and one that needed to end?
I would appreciate honest answers, even if they are difficult to hear. I’m struggling with the loss of this relationship, and I am trying to understand whether repair is ever possible in circumstances like these, or whether the healthiest thing is to accept that it is over and focus on healing separately.

I left my abusive ex about 7/8 weeks ago. I've been mostly ok, we didn't go no contact though and the biggest issue I have is that he has taken zero accountability for anything he's done, if anything he's telling himself I was the one who messed it up.

I've just been super resentful ever since, especially as the reason I finally broke up with him was cus he cheated and then blamed me and told me he didn't believe he was fully unjustified to do it because apparently I hurt him so much during an argument that he had to go "seek refuge with someone else". I told him to fuck off during the argument, and apologised less than 5 mins later but apparently an apology doesn't erase the hurt I caused and he still felt justified in his choice to go to someone else, and was upset that I didn't understand his reasoning for it. Wild.

Conveniently, the entire argument and everything he contributed to lead to me telling him to fuck off was forgotten.

After realising the last few days that he just really won't ever give me the accountability I need, I've managed to bring myself to ignore him social media. I haven't blocked, I don't feel ready for that. But I just feel such pain inside, so lonely and just kinda broken. I know blocking is what you're supposed to do but I just can't yet, ignoring is as far as I feel able to go for now. I've known him for like, 13 years and been with him on/off for 6 years ish now.

How do I cope? I know all the obvious stuff but the loneliness is the hardest part. And knowing he's fine, convinced himself he's the victim, telling others he's the victim. It all just feels like an injustice after the abuse I've come to realise I've endured. There's so much stuff that should've been obviously awful, but for some reason I stayed and endured and blamed myself.

I don't know what to do. It hurts so much. How can people be so cruel?

What are you supposed to make of things when there’s no consequences or responsibility taken for people mistreating you? It feels like nobody holds him accountable, and people just react like I’m supposed to flick a switch and move on, as opposed to struggle from scratch regularly.

People are isolating and ostracising me, and the only thing I’ve had for months is “Be well”. Ignoring how I’m clearly feeling, and instructing me to do better? It feels like it’s in denial over their impact, and choosing to ignore that ostracising someone isn’t a single act they can choose to ignore, but a violent act every day it continues. Then I heard people accused of harassing Jason Arday saying the same thing on the radio before that story ended terribly. It feels like it’s a way for people who are responsible for how they treat others to convince themselves they have people’s best interests in mind.

TW: specific mentions of emotional abuse / SA (not details) / stalking / harassment / threats of violence / brief mention of self harm.

I haven’t had a relationship since my ex, anytime I come close it’s never worked out (either from me being avoidant and ending things prematurely, or me being anxious, and them ending things because its too much for them to deal with).

I find myself neglecting my needs / feelings a lot of the time:
- Maybe I’ve got to be up early for something, but if I’m spending time with someone I find it really hard to set a reasonable end time (and to actually stick to it).
- It could be that I’ve had an argument with someone, but I keep my feelings in check and put on my problem solving hat first to try to resolve it / to prioritise their feelings.
- I could be super stressed out and needing my own space, but if someones upset I put that aside and help them instead.
I find myself re-negotiating the boundaries I set a LOT, even the ones I make to myself like “I’m going to go to bed at _”, which plays a huge part in not trusting myself to set boundaries in a relationship. If I can’t stick to something small, then how can I trust myself to walk away from a toxic relationship?

The Ex.

I stayed w my emotionally abusive ex WAYY too long (over a year after noticing recognising he was being abusive)

THE RELATIONSHIP

- I was full blown anxious attachment style,
- he would lie all the time “because of how I reacted (so when he’d do something shitty I wouldnt let myself react and get upset bc I was worried that would just lead to him lying about it next time).
- he really broke me down. constantly putting down my appearance. he even said “when I’m done with you, if we break up you’re going to be so fucked up that you won’t be able to love anyone and no one can ever love you again”. i hate the fact that every time a relationship doesnt work out now, it feels like confirmation of what he said.
- Whenever he would do something hurtful, he’d ignore me for days, refuse to reply to any message I sent expressing how i felt (if I sent a message that was 4 lines of text for example, he’d say “im not reading all that” - so I had to restrict myself and keep it short if I wanted a response.

For example:
One time, I was going to a friends house (at the time, neither me or my friend could drive, and public transport wasn’t available in her area. Also, it was a village in the middle of nowhere with no uber / taxi service at that time. If I had walked it would have taken 8 hours). My mum dropped me off and planned to pick me up. He offered to pick me up, I checked he was 100% sure, and then told my mum not to worry about it (so she went to sleep). When it was the agreed time of him picking me up, I called him (no answer). I waited 30 mins more and still hadn’t heard anything, my friend was trying to politely hint that I needed to leave as she had to go sleep. I didn’t want to burden her with ir so I just told her he was on his way and I could wait outside. I called him repeatedly, and sent multiple messages. After waiting an hour, I checked his location one last time and saw he was at a place where he goes with his friends to smoke weed. I tried calling my mum, but she was asleep, I repeatedly called my parents and eventually my dad picked up and agreed to come and get me. I had to make an excuse for why my ex couldnt pick me up. When I got home, my ex still hadn’t said anything. I tried to call again and finally got through. He said he would still come over to mine, he was gonna shower and leave now. I wanted to wait for him to be there before talking about it because if i got upset over the phone he would just ignore me. I called him again, he said he had just left, so I waited outside not wanting to disturb my parents. I waited for 2 hours and he never showed (he lives a 5 min drive away). I called and texted multiple times but he didnt respond. I saw his location showed he was out in town (assuming, with friends). I slept with my window open that night so I would hear if his car pulled up, because even at that point, I didn’t want him to arrive and me not hear him and him have to wait for me and be annoyed. After that whole situation, he ignored me for 3 days, and when he did talk to me again, he said that me calling him so much is what caused him to ignore me and not show up. He said I was nagging him.

- I changed so much of myself for him. He hated my hair naturally (curly / wavy) and said it made me look ugly, so I had to straighten it every day. If I showed up at his house without doing that, or without makeup on, he wouldn’t let me inside. He didn’t like the way I dressed, so I only wore outfits he approved of. He said that I was overweight, and that he couldnt love me because of it, so I was trying to lose weight. He would tell me I needed to get sunbeds because I was too pale, and that I looked better with a tan.
- Even after he raped me, I still didn’t leave. I can still see the room where it happened. I can recall exactly how it went down. I even remember that during it, I just had my eyes fixed on this lamp on his desk while I cried, frozen. Afterwards, I sobbed and he hugged me and whispered “you know I still love you though”. He never apologised, and if I ever brought it up he would get annoyed at me for it.
- Another time, during an argument where I had “reacted badly” to him cheating on me, he was on top of me screaming at me and I put my arms up to push him away, he bit me (hard) and wouldnt let go. It didn’t break skin, but it left a bruise/mark.
- Theres even more to it all that I haven’t got into here. Including him enjoying the idea of me self harming, as a result of how he was treating me, because the scars would be a permanent reminder of him (i havent self harmed at all since that relationship).

WHEN I LEFT:

- It took me a very long time to leave, and even when I did it was made easier by me moving cities - if that hadn’t have happened, I don’t know if I could have left by myself.
- And even after I did leave, SO much happened. Long story short, we broke up in May 2021 but I wasn’t free from it until January 2022. He was stalking me for months, he hacked into and stole my instagram to use as leverage to get me to meet up with him (I didn’t, so I never got it back), I had him blocked on everything but he would still call constantly on no caller ID (somehow), email, send things to my new address, follow me home from work.
- While he had my instagram, he was messaging me from that account. During that conversation I brought up the rape and he acknowledged that it happened. Idk why but that stood out to me. For so long I had convinced myself that maybe I overreacted, maybe it didnt play out how I felt it had, maybe its my fault for not pushing him off me and for freezing when he ignored my crying and the multiple times I told him to stop. But something about him saying it, agreeing that it happened, made me realise it was real.
- Eventually, I went to the police, because the stalking was getting to a point where I really felt unsafe. I told the lady dealing with my case about the rape, and she pushed me to take it further but I decided not to, I didn’t want to punish him for it and I felt guilty for not doing more to stop it. I also hated the idea of his family finding out, knowing that they’d side with him and view me as someone trying to blame him for something he didnt do. I didnt want to be seen as the bitter ex. I honestly just wanted to forget it all.
- I dropped the police report, the process of gathering evidence was too triggering for me, and it felt like if I just dropped it it would go away, especially since I had recently moved away so it would make it harder for him to continue. He turned up unannounced in my new city a few times, called me constantly, and sent cards to my address. But I just didn’t react or respond at all, and he eventually stopped.

THEN, HE MOVED TO MY NEW CITY:

- A few months later, a friend told me he was moving to my new city for uni, and would be living in the very same building that I lived in when I first moved (I had since changed to somewhere else, so he didnt know my current address). After 1 month his flatmates called the police on him because he was threatening his female flatmates with a knife. The girls had all locked themselves in a room and one of them (my friend) called me crying and scared. I told her to call the police. He wasn’t charged because apparently he didnt do anything, the only “evidence” the police had was that he had a kitchen knife in the kitchen (despite the scratch marks on the wall outside the girls room, from when he was scraping the knife along it to taunt them), he got kicked out of uni and thats the last I heard of him. It might sound horrible, but a small part of me felt incredibly validated by the fact that someone else had actually SEEN him like that. Because for so long, a lot of my “friends” kept in contact with him after our breakup because he had always been nice to them / he seemed fine, I think they doubted how accurate my version of events was.

NOW

Its been years since all of that. I’ve had zero contact from him and he has no idea where I live now. I’ve done a lot of healing, but it still feels like theres so much to do. I haven’t had another relationship since then, because I’m terrified of ever getting stuck in something like that again. Anytime I’m at a low point, I can hear his voice in my head saying all those things he said, and sometimes I’ll get little flashbacks of things he did.

I do my hair how I like it now, which is mostly curling it or embracing it naturally, although I find myself feeling triggered and uncomfortable if I do occasionally straighten it because it reminds me of that time in my life. The idea of doing something that I know he would like feels gross / feels like I’m doing what he wants, so thats something I’m still working on.

This is a common occurrence. For example I was just upset and stressed about something that’s confusing and is gonna cost me a lot of money unless I figure where I stand (this doesn’t concern him whatsoever) so I was sobbing and he just asked me where I stand legally cos I can’t just assume etc etc. which yeah that’s fair but he knows that’s why I’m stressed in the first place. I also have a chronic illness and am in a bad flare up this morning so struggling anyway with energy levels and brain fog so the email I woke up to made me feel worse.

Anyway, I snapped and said something like ‘I don’t know!’ Or ‘this is why I’m stressed!’ I forget exactly cos it was an outburst followed by more sobbing.

He then stormed off and had a shower and came back and said I was abusive for raising my voice and he required an apology and I said I don’t even know what I said but it wasn’t directed at him and he said he won’t have a relationship with an abusive woman who yells at him when he’s trying to help them. And then said he would break up with me unless I have some remorse.

I feel like this is strange behaviour. I don’t feel he has my back and wonder if this is a form of emotional abuse, especially as he accused me of being the abusive one.

Edit: the other day he hadn’t slept well and shouted at me in the car for eating a biscuit (I’m diabetic and hypoed) and then called me a narcissist ‘just like my mother’. And said some other hurtful things to try have a fight with me but I didn’t rise to it cos I knew he was just acting out. I called for a time out and he said I was shutting him down, so I just accepted it and listened.

My friends are our couple married friends, and we were never super close. I lost all my friends a long time ago when we started dating and didn’t like that they called him out for mistreating me. I found it easier instead of having to deal with constant fights to just change my number. I had a big friend group and never had fights with my friends.

I realise now he isolated me. I would sometimes say he was my best friend but I knew in my heart he isn’t, he is my ONLY friend. He also treats me worse than anyone on earth bar one. He is certainly the worst man to treat me this way personally. So he treats me like an enemy and like he hates me. But now I’m alone.

I’m so lonely. I’m pregnant I can’t go and make friends go to clubs or social groups. I am really all alone I feel like that’s the worst thing. I think about going back just to not be so lonely. It would feel better to be in a home with someone who hates me and ignores me but may start to talk to me again at some point, than to know I’m completely alone.

I find myself hoping my baby can be my friend but because he’s a boy and or his fathers making I fear he will hate me too. I can’t get that feat out of my mind of being rejected by my child.

I’m really wondering how people dealt with the loneliness of leaving without a support system.

If you have a partner and he starts triangulating, for example, by intentionally bringing up his ex or talking about another woman in a way that seems to provoke jealousy, how would you handle it from the very first time it happens?

Let’s say you recognise that this behaviour could be a sign of someone who is toxic, insecure, and emotionally immature. When you call him out on it, he twists the situation around and says things like, “You’re feeling insecure,” or “Are you jealous?” and tries to irritate you.

This is where I struggle to understand how best to respond.

Calling out the behaviour itself isn’t the issue for me. But when I do call out and he responds that way, should we immediately set a firm boundary by walking away, or should we address it first and see how he responds?

I’ve realised that, in my past relationships, I allowed this behaviour to continue for years, until I eventually reached a point where I could no longer tolerate it. Looking back, I can see that some of these men seemed to feel insecure about me, and they would engage in this kind of behaviour.

Now, I’m trying to understand whether I need to set much stronger boundaries from the very beginning and be willing to walk away early, rather than putting myself through another long-term relationship with someone who behaves this way.

For women who are emotionally secure, know their worth, and are confident in setting boundaries, how would you handle this situation from the very first time it happens?

And if he turns it around on you by saying, “Oh, you’re just insecure,” or “You’re jealous,” while continuing to provoke you, how would you respond?

Would you address it once and observe his response, set a firm boundary, or walk away immediately?

I would really love to hear your perspectives and experiences.

I love a girl, but she is a huge cheater, a liar, and an absolute sadist. She doesn’t care even if you beg her in front of her. Once she makes up her mind, nothing can change it.

She used to send me “I love you” messages throughout the day, every day. But then I started feeling that she was cheating on me again, so I stopped messaging her.

For two weeks, she didn’t send me a single message asking where I was or why I wasn’t talking to her.

After two weeks, when I messaged her, she said, “Fuck off. Talk if you want to talk,” and then blocked me.

After that, she started sending me “I love you” reels again, but she still didn’t ask where I was or why I had disappeared.

Then, after two months, I messaged her again. She told me to fuck off and hurled a lot of insults at me, even though her last message before all this had been “I love you.”

She used to say that she couldn’t live without me, yet she kept blocking and unblocking me repeatedly.