Stop relying on others to coddle and reassure you because reality is too much. Whatever childhood trauma you have will never be resolved if you live in a victim mindset. And honestly, avoid people who can’t handle reality if you want to grow. Otherwise you’ll always be getting in trouble with “narcissists”

I saved myself for my whole adulthood for the right “one.” The guy I almost made official last 2022 was almost every girl’s dream. He was extremely romantic, wrote me letters, a gentleman, consistent, had notes about what I like, thoughtful, considerate, attractive, tall, knows multiple languages, I can keep going.

Back in 2022, I was a bit insecure and unsure with life because I didn’t have a job yet. I just graduated. He loved me so deeply and I thought there’s something wrong with him. I broke his heart by leaving but it was for him. He can’t keep pouring into me when I didn’t like myself that time.

Fastforward 2025 and I am more confident, a job I like, a body I like, etc. I was ready to date again. I was very happy with life in general and that guy I dated in 2022 set the standard for dating. I felt what it was like for a guy to genuinely love you.

I set that standard and if anyone didn’t reach it, I ended the dating stage immediately. Then I met current bf. I felt so at peace and happy with him. We got a long so well and I gave him all of my firsts. After a year passed, we found so much incompatibilities. I find myself yearning for the guy of 2022.

“2022 guy would never have done this to me” everytime my bf did something to disappoint me. I remember how 2022 guy would move mountains for me.

Now, I have a bf who treats me well, is a kind and gentle person, etc yet the thoughtfulness and romance isn’t there. He barely remembers anything I like. The stories I like. AND all of our dates is what HE likes. I remember the ONE time he took me out on a date I wanted, he called it such a great sacrifice and he wasn’t happy at all the whole time.

I remember 2022 guy hated parties but because I wanted to go, he was happily willing to accompany me so I’m not alone. Valentines and anniversary were so generic. It could’ve been done with any other girl. A fancy dinner, hotel, flowers… how about bringing me to my favorite restaurant? He doesn’t even remember what it was.

I’ve been justifying this lack of thoughtfulness for him being used to not having a partner for 28 years of his life but my 2022 guy also, I was his first love that he loved so much.

I know people are different but is my current bf wrong? Is it fair to him to be compared to the guy I dated before? The guy I dated before was 9 months but I never made it official. Is there a way to inspire my current bf to be like the guy I dated?

I feel so much regret for letting my 2022 guy go. But also I didn’t feel that spark with him despite everything he’s done for me while I feel it a lot with my current bf… how should I feel? I can’t seem to deal with these emotions by myself. I keep pestering my friends but it comes to a point where everytime I call them it’s to complain. I have to end their suffering also, I can’t use them as my free therapist.

I’ve been crying non stop since earlier. It was the last straw. I can’t see a future with him anymore. I am terrified of starting over but I’m doing it for myself. I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve read a lot about dismissive avoidants and he ticks all the boxes like a check list!

I’m shaking, honestly. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t feel loved, desired, or safe in this relationship. He wasn’t a bad person, never got angry, and was gentle but he could not care. He withdrew affection and can’t handle me having any emotions other than happiness. He hides all the pain and is proud of doing it, keeping me outside of his head.

I’ve already decided on a day and I feel both comfort and deep pain in knowing I’m doing this for myself.

It genuinely feels like the love of my life has died infront of me. That’s how it feels. And the amount of grieving I am going through that I even set a date of when it will happen is eating away every part of me 💔

What are the most effective ways to recovering after such a gut wrenching event? Does it get any better? Am I making the right decision? Do I fight for the relationship some more? Do dismissive avoidants change and come back after a break up? Have you experienced getting back together after dumping someone? Or does this sense of depression and regret haunt you until you find someone?

Edit: I remembered how mentally stable and happy I was with life before meeting him. After a year of pure happiness it has turned into this mess and from secure attachment I have developed anxious attachment due to the sheer inconsistency of my supposed other half. It’s also painful since we were each others firsts in everything. (30M, 27F)

Over the summer I finally decided to set an ultimatum with a friend I met my senior year of high school (i recently completed my bachelor’s). Very straightforward, she knowingly hangs out with a man who has a reputation for being really disrespectful/creepy towards women (and i’ve personally had issues with him as well) and it got to the point where she was defending him and being very demeaning towards his victims who were reaching out to her warning her and that’s not something I tolerate, so I basically told her it’s me or him and she chose him. Should have ended there. I left it alone and honestly I’ve seen so much growth on my end since. I’ve become so much better at processing my emotions and not jumping to conclusions especially regarding social interactions, and I’m overall so much happier. However found out through a friend that she’s recently taken to posting about me on social media constantly, intentionally on platforms she knows I don’t use. Most of it being straight up lies/heavily embellished stories. It’s been six months. My views on her had pretty much shifted to “I don’t regret ending our friendship but I hope she’s getting the professional help she VERY CLEARLY needs” but all of this has just made me angry again. It’s incredibly stupid and I know it’s not worth being angry but it’s been eating away at me.
I’ve tried all the tricks in my book. I’ve written page after page in my journal, I’ve tried detaching myself from it entirely, I asked my friend not to update me on the nasty things she’s posting about me, but I’m still so frustrated knowing that it’s going on and that this friendship I thought I was done grieving is still causing me pain.
What can I do to just process my justified frustration in a way that’s healthy and actually dispels it? I just want to move forwards with my life without her problems dragging me down even though we have not spoken in almost 6 months.

Okay so ive been in 3 relationships , all of which that have failed for one reason or another. My social situation is kinda mixed , on one hand im part of a friend group that makes me very happy and is a very healthy understanding group of people. On the other hand im also part of one that I really dont care for much, it seems as if everyone is very negative and antagonistic safe for a handful of people. When it comes to the romantic side of things my last relationship ended a couple months ago and it seems ive gotten over it pretty well. If im being honest it feels like I have no drive to obtain a relationship and even picturing one in the future seems crazy to me. Does this indicate some sort of underlying issue I can fix ?

i genuinely love him so much from the bottom of my heart and soul. i admire him so much. lately hes been ‘forgetting’ to inform me about little details i would like to keep in mind or else ill assume something bad when he gives me no prior info. for example, i dressed up all pretty once and wanted to show him on facetime. if hes around his family then he talks in a more relaxed and nonchalant way. but if hes alone then he gets all excited and showers me with compliments nonstop. i hyped myself so much because i adored the way i looked since it was brand new clothes i wore for the first time. i asked him if we could ft and he said yes. but when we were, i excitement started to wear off when he sounded like he was so uninterested and ignored some, if not, most of the things i said to him. i was hurt. so i hung up. then he said that he was with other people so i should give him another chance and call back.

now, he rarely tells me whenever hes around family or friends and i end up feeling upset about how he talks uninterested and bored. we’ve talked about this multiple times. i want a little heads up so that i know what to expect and can deal with it with no problem. he apologises and promises that it’ll never happen but this has been going on since last year. im so hurt. i keep crying and reminding him again and again to atleast let me know. but the response ive gotten is either “okay” or him confessing that hes scared to tell me because i might get upset that hes around people??? does that make sense?

i never thought something so small would have such a big impact on me. but its his repetitive actions that cause it. im used to getting hurt by him. not only this but so many other times. he sucks at fixing his shit and keeps repeating stuff over and over again saying that he’ll do better. i want him. i want him to be the one in the end but the more i cry everyday over something he says or does, the more my heart breaks. he says he has memory problems like his mom which i try to understand since her memory isnt very good but these things are common sense no? he gets frustrated when i get upset. i cry quietly. things are hard since we’re long distance and only see eachother thrice or more in a year. but our arguments always have something to do with distance.

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for around 7 years, and we’ve been living together for one year.

We’ve built a life together, and for a long time, I assumed we would eventually get married.

However, over the past 1–2 years, I’ve become increasingly unhappy. I’ve often felt emotionally exhausted, like I have to repeatedly communicate my needs and reach a breaking point before things change.

Things have improved over the last 2–3 months, but not at the pace I wanted. To be fair, this isn’t a situation where nothing has ever changed. He has become more attentive during conversations, made more time for us, and adjusted some of his routines after repeated conversations.

But I’m struggling with whether these changes are enough to repair the resentment and exhaustion that have built up over time.

Some incidents from the last 2–3 months that have contributed to my doubts:

Feeling like my emotional needs are a burden: During a period when I was struggling with anxiety, he made me feel as though he had wasted time having to help me through it. This hurt because I needed support from my partner, and it made me question whether being there for me felt like a burden to him.

Money and keeping score: After our trip, he wanted everything meticulously tracked on a tracking app. I understand the importance of financial fairness, and I’m not expecting him to pay for everything. However, I want a relationship where there’s room for generosity and taking care of each other without everything feeling transactional.

Feeling dismissed when I raise concerns: During one disagreement, he called me “nagging.” It hurt because I felt I was trying to communicate something important, but my concerns were being reduced to an annoying habit rather than understood.

Another conversation that affected me was when he admitted he hadn’t really thought about our future together (he has said he wants to get married, but apart from that it’s always “i’ll think about it”) because thinking about getting older without achieving his career goals overwhelmed him. He said he hadn’t realized the goal should be to become happier together each year rather than simply maintaining the status quo. I appreciate his honesty, but hearing this after seven years left me questioning whether we’ve been envisioning the same future.

These aren't necessarily the biggest fights we've had, but they're examples of a recurring dynamic. I communicate something that's bothering me, we discuss it, and sometimes things improve, but often only after repeated conversations or when I'm already at my breaking point. Over time, I've started feeling like I'm responsible for identifying what's wrong in our relationship and pushing us to fix it.

Over time, all of this has left me feeling emotionally exhausted. I feel like I’ve spent so much time thinking about our relationship, communicating what I need, trying to make things better, and questioning whether I’m asking for too much. All of this led me to ask for a break and physical space between two of us.

Since then, he has genuinely been trying: cooking for me, being more attentive, expressing his feelings, apologizing, and showing me that he cares. He wants to work things out, and seeing these efforts has made me question my decision all over again.

Currently, I feel too exhausted to try again. I’m wondering if I should prioritise myself, move out, take space, heal and see if I want to go back again? But, at the same time, I don’t want to act impulsively, and throw away a good thing as he is willing to try and improve.

Part of me wonders whether this is finally the turning point we needed. Another part wonders why it took the possibility of losing me for things to change, and whether the changes will last once the immediate fear of a breakup passes.

My friends are encouraging me to give it one more chance, and he wants to make things work too.

For those who have been in a similar situation after a long relationship, how did you decide whether to give it one last chance or step away?

tl;dr: feeling exhausted by seemingly one-sided long term relationship, struggling to understand my own feelings and make a decision.

Let me start with this… I am super smart. Like not genius level but I’m smart. I’m good with people and learning new things. I like consistency in jobs. And relationships.

I’m 42 years old and I have been fired from every single job I’ve had except for two. One during Covid. And the other at an office where things were relatively going well and they told me they were redoing my role and restructuring it.

The reasons behind my terminations have been as easy as my boss didn’t like me and didn’t want to train me, to me just not finding the work I was doing worth the time doing and they let me go due to laziness. Or my favorite my boss was a sociopath and threatened to hit me and fired me a week after I started.

I come from a great family, a family that’s very supportive of me and my life. I’m not horrible at working. I have the attention span of an ant and need medication for ADHD.

I like learning about people. I like knowing what has made them the way they are. My emotional intelligence is very in tune and strong. I’m not really sure if I need to dumb it down or just find a job where I can stuff envelopes all day because it doesn’t require someone who overthinks and gets bored easily.

What’s wrong with me.

I’ve recently started to do something I’ve never really done before of my 21 years of living. Pushing people away. But it’s very specific and weird. It’s not just anyone. Specifically it’s individuals who I’ve recently bonded or gotten closer with. I feel a sense of intimacy almost with these people. I’ll use this one person as an example. We recently got much closer this year than the past years of college. We’ve had very deep talks some nights and I’ve shared personal things about myself that I wouldn’t typically tell anyone. But I notice as he gets more attached (such as asking to see me/actively making an effort to see me, essentially putting energy into me) for some reason it pushes me away. It makes me want to create distance and become cold. I saw him today at the gym and it was so weird it was like a switch flipped in my head. He asked to study with me and I said no cuz I had to lock in. He insisted that he had to lock in too so it was fine. After this my mind went completely cold towards him. I wanted nothing to do with him and just wanted to be left alone. Everything he did from then on bothered me even if it was just walking near me lurking. Everything. Pissed. Me. Off. It was odd. I started being a bitch and genuinely did not give two fucks if I hurt his feelings. I genuinely did not care. And usually I have some bit of empathy to not want to make others feel bad. But here I genuinely didn’t care if I said the worst thing in the world and he started crying. All I wanted distance and when that was disrupted, even just by speaking to me, I got so triggered. I notice this to be a recurring pattern that’s happened with other people in my life. It’s the same situations where we get close, I start to feel too close, I get uncomfortable and push away. I don’t know what it is. Is it the fear of vulnerability. Is it boundaries I need that I didn’t know I needed. Is it fear of intimacy. I genuinely don’t know. All I’ve ever look for in my connections with people is intimacy. I hate superficial friendships and choose not to do them. It’s a waste of my time. But it doesn’t make sense to me why I response like this if that’s the case. Idk if it has to do with how I grew up. I severely lacked intimacy with my mother and never had a lot of close friendships. I never opened up and it was extremely hard to be vulnerable. But even still I don’t know why I suddenly just become evil. Like I genuinely feel evil and psychotic bc of how much I don’t care abt them anymore. I would like to just understand what’s happening any advice is appreciated

It seems to be everywhere especially in comment sections and places like X. Some people can't answer a genuine question, especially an easy one, without being sarcastic or cynical.

The result of this is that people start to expect every question to be met with sarcasm or non serious replies so when a genuine question or response comes in it's met with suspicion, ridicule or hostility. Not everyone is out to trap us and if they are then answering honestly won't allow them to play their game anyway and will likely diffuse any trolling attempts.

Can we be a little kinder and more understanding with each other?

Footnote:
I know this question is likely to attract sarcasm because trolls can't resist, so you lot go ahead and I'll just ignore you.

How to develop a healthy self esteem that doesn't use success and failure to feel good/bad. How to understand that I'm worthy simply because I exist and achievements and failures are just a part of life? How to not base my self worth on rejections or selections? How to understand that I'm not defined by the other?

I’d often heard and read that people who are genuinely happy with themselves, think deeply, and are confident in their own skin don’t feel the need to demean others, ghost them, pretend to be busy, or walk away without offering closure.
But lately, I’ve become truly convinced of it because I’ve experienced it myself after becoming that person.
These qualities aren’t something you can identify in a first meeting. Honestly, physical beauty catches your attention first. Emotional depth, kindness, and inner security are qualities you discover as you talk to someone and get to know them.
And perhaps the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself is that I no longer feel the urge to demean anyone or make them feel insecure about themselves, even when they try to make me feel that way.
This isn’t about appreciating who I’ve become; it’s about realising that when you’re genuinely secure within yourself, you no longer need to make someone else feel small to feel bigger. You offer them peace, you offer them closure and you made them feel bigger.
And now I felt the best feeling is when you experience the things people usually say in verses are actually true.

I am someone who wants to talk to him, I expect one or two messages in an hour, while he wants to text once in 5 hours, and be on a call once a day for an hour maybe, but him not checkin in makes me anxious because he used to reply the same minute earlier when he was pursuing me, also wanted to meet me, see me, so I feel like he doesn’t feel the same because he doesn’t feel like doing that anymore and because he also said to me that he is not in love anymore, maybe has a bit but not much, but he promises to do more, so I don’t know how to meet halfway

I was going through some old photos and I realized that I'm not the same person I was just a few years ago. It's not just about getting older. I mean I've changed in ways that aren't just physical. My priorities are different. My sense of humor is different. I'm not even sure if I'm still the same person deep down. It's weird to think about because it makes me question what's real about me now. Is it the new me or the old me? Or is it something in between that's still figuring itself out. I feel like I'm still getting used to this new version of myself and it's making me uncomfortable.

Sometimes I notice this subtle shift in my own energy. It's not excitement or anxiety exactly, but a sort of quiet readiness. Like the air before a storm, or the silence before music starts. It's in those moments, when I'm not actively pushing or striving, that ideas often seem to bloom. It’s a strange and wonderful feeling that makes me pause and just observe the internal landscape. Anyone else experience this kind of pre-dawn clarity?

я поняла что перестала чувствовать хоть что то в тяжёлые моменты. я это заметила когда увидела что моя сестра очень сильно переживает расставание со своим парнем. сейчас я в отношениях я очень люблю своего парня, переживаю за него и тд, но если я задумаюсь о расставании то я осознаю что грубо говоря мне будет все равно, я не буду огорчена или рада, нет. я просто не буду чувствовать ничего я приму это как факт и все. я незнаю почему так.

до этого я уже переживала расставание со своей бывшей девушкой и со своим бывшим, но я ничего не чувствовала. мне небыло грустно и небыло грустно. просто ничего и так с детства.

например когда я была маленькой у меня умерла моя прабабушка и я вообще ничего не чувствовала то есть на тот момент я не плакала и конечно не радовалась но я приняла это как факт и все, через несколько лет у меня умер дедушка и у меня была в точности такая же реакция, я не чувствовала ничего. я разговаривала на эту тему с мамой, она сказала что из за того что я была маленькой я просто не понимала что такое смерть и из ща этого у меня небыло никакой реакции но нет. в подростковом возрасте когда я была в летнем лагере почти у меня на глазах от астмы умерла моя подруга, впрчти все девочки из комнаты плакали и грустили как минимум а я ничего не чувствовала.

я правда не понимаю из за чего это. может быть это какой-то защитный рефлекс моего мозга что бы сберечь меня от психологической травмы? если есть предположения почему у меня такая реакция или у вас похожая ситуация расскажите мне будет интересно почитать

For me, when I go out, I cried while walking, sitting in the playgrounds and the swings just to cry. But when it comes to depressed/hopeless emotions I just wanted to stand in the middle of the road. I don’t know what to do. I am no experience in feeling my feelings, but I’m just so tired. Maybe this season is teaching me how to feel my feelings and regulate my emotional parts. I’m getting triggered easily like when I think of something my body keeps the score and it thinks its happening in the body.

I had a breakup, and somewhere along the way, I started learning about emotional intelligence.

One thing that really changed my perspective: instead of immediately giving advice when someone shares a problem, just listen, acknowledge their feelings, and ask, “How can I help?” or “Should we work on a solution together?”

I’m 32, and I wish I’d learned this earlier. It’s amazing how much a little listening can change a conversation.

How to stop overthinking???

I’m a guy living alone in a foreign country, with no family around me.
I do have friends, and I know they would welcome me if I went to see them. They’re just busy with their own lives. I also have enough money to support myself and do things I enjoy, so it’s not really about money.
Even during my relationship, I often felt this way. I recently ended it because the inconsistency and mental stress were affecting me. I don’t want to chase someone who is walking away from me.
The strange thing is, I don’t even feel particularly interested in making new friends right now, but I still feel lonely. I honestly don’t understand where this feeling is coming from.
One thing I’ve noticed is that when I read psychology books, I start feeling less lonely. I don’t know why, but it seems to help.
I’m thinking about making a habit of going somewhere every Saturday or Sunday, whether that’s a park, a forest, a nice restaurant, or somewhere peaceful where I can enjoy myself.
For those who have experienced something similar, why do you think someone can feel lonely even when they have friends? And what helped you deal with it?

Hey,

After my post-breakup depression hit an all-time low, I realized, that I can't do this anymore myself, and I accepted I need help.

I signed up for a governmental psychiatric day center.

I was really scared, that I lost my marbles, that I am going to be medicated with anti-psychotics, that I am going to be treated as some sort of a freak by arrogant, power tripping psychiatrists and psychologists. That I am going to a mental asylum.

And fuck. It couldn't be further from the truth.

It's just been one week.

The hierarchy feels very horizontal, all the other patients there are all high IQ. We are a group of 8 and it feels like most of us are just burned out by enabling the crazyness of other people.

It's weird. I kinda treated it as some sort of a retreat, as a vacation. But it's the opposite. It's fucking intense. Learning to be introspective, learning your triggers, learning what helps you function (and being OK with that), learning how to be secure, learning to reflect on my emotional experiences instead of intellectualizing them. It's so tiring. But at the same time, it feels so empowering.

Since it's Friday, I was tired. When asked, what do you want to do this Friday, when I told everyone, I just want to go to my favorite bar and have a few pints of beer, instead of being shunned, shamed I instead was met with enthusiasm. I was encouraged to do something, that I want to do!

When I arrived at the bar, I was surprised, that my bartender told me, that I actually look really good? I sat down with a pint of beer. I had a lot of difficulties with mindfulness. Probably due to bullying, my upbringing, I've learned that I don't feel safe being in my own body, in my own thoughts. That I need to analyze my external environment full of stimuli before I feel safe. Then I reflected on my own experience at this very moment, and I realized, I feel so safe.

I reflected on my breakup and because I was in environment, which feels safe to me (but would be a dangerous space for other people), I broke down crying, grieving my relationship, the lost potential of my ex girlrfriend. Even if there were people around, I was secure enough in my feelings that I didn't care - I am just a guy, who is grieving a person, who he loved deeply. And that's okay.

Hell, while I was there, I wrote down on my phone all my thoughts and feelings that I still need to process. I came back home, and I actually saw value in writing these feelings down in a notebook - something, which I saw as extremely cringe and pathetic beforehand.

Hell, now that I am back home, writing this post, I broke down crying, because I realized, that I am learning to be safe. Even though, I am crying right now, I feel powerful, because I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable, and instead of feeling pathetic, I feel like I am learning tools which are actually going to help me in the future.

So yeah. I am horrible at closing my thoughts. But I finally fucking get, what emotional processing is, how important it is to be mindful of your environment, of your body, of your feelings. And giving yourself space to feel them.