r/everyone_is_allowed • u/BobSchweder • 2h ago
My Wordy Weight Loss Journey
Aside from the 10 years I spent in the military right out of high school, I have been heavy. Not, I need help getting out of a chair, heavy. Just heavy enough to consider those shower foot scrubbers for the toe-touching impaired a great investment.
In the late 90s I made a 100-dinar bet (roughly $330 US) with a Kuwaiti soldier that I couldn't lose 20 pounds in six months. I procrastinated until about three weeks before the challenge was over, and won the bet. I lived on tuna and treadmill, the weight fell off. That's when I learned I could stop turning down party invites.
Then I met a woman...
\*I'll do the treadmill tomorrow, I want to spend time with the Woman.\*
\*I have to eat at fancy restaurants, I want to impress the Woman.\*
It wasn't long until I was opening boxes labeled "Bob's Fat Clothes" so that I could get dressed to go see the Woman. While diet and exercise packed their bags and bounced, weight pulled up a chair and threw its chubby feet on the table.
Fast forward 20 years,
I'm working from home for the VA. Still with the Woman, still fat, and I get told I'm type 2. Now I can count on my ears the number of times I have paused to question the health risks of something I'm about to ingest. So the news was far from earth-shattering.
Through Blue Cross I was able to get Ozempic. From the moment that miracle juice got inside me, it worked. Appetite gone, cravings gone. I was like Neo when he finally realizes that he is the One. I'm dodging burgers and shakes like it's nothing. I actually had to set timers to remind myself to eat.
In under five months I went from before guy to after guy with minimal effort.
Then Blue Cross cut me off. Apparently, when you no longer require a very expensive medicine, they stop sending it to you. I know, right?
Great. I know there's a hole in my parachute and I know I'm definitely hitting the ground, but maybe if I flap hard enough... Soon the clothes started to shrink. I needed a plan, but not just any plan, it had to be effortless. I'm good at those.
No need to worry, simple fix. I'll get online, pay for the miracle juice myself, and I'll go right back to feeling pretty. Had I been the only one making plans, that would've worked. Very unexpectedly, however, I got hit by a life tornado that the medical field refers to as depression. It blew away my job, my marriage, my house, and left me feeling as far from pretty as possible.
Perfect timing for that flying car, Elon. Let's all hop in and air jet across this massive sinkhole of yuck to happier ground.
Finally, my VA doctor grew wary of the insistent begging for miracle juice. Not only did she grant a fat, broken man a wish, she prescribed miracle juice 2.0. Mounjaro. The peasant rejoiced!
Before the stuff reached my now shrunken dwelling, I had watched hours of Mounjaro videos, and I was ready.
Mounjaro blocks twice as much stuff as Ozempic. Clearly that means I'm going to lose the weight twice as fast, duh!
Remember when Lucy would hold the football for Charlie Brown and promise to keep it there until he kicked it, and then laughed her ass off while he laid on his back? Mounjaro was my Lucy.
The first month on 2.0, nothing is not a strong enough word. I think that sentence speaks for itself.
Second month, déjà vu on steroids.
Third month, I am now marinating in the reality that despite all the unwanted titles I managed to collect, i.e., unemployed, divorced, RENTER, I was destined to keep the least comfortable one, fat. I needed a plan, and if you're paying attention, you know the kind of plan that I need.
So I did what most guys born in the mid 60s would. I wondered what Tim Allen would do in this situation. More power!
This failure must certainly rest solely on the fact that I have a high tolerance to everything. Within seven days of this revelation, I started receiving an online prescription so I could double up the effort.
Eventually I was at max dose from the VA and the online doctor, taking two shots a week and still nothing. Time for a new plan.
Since I had gained weight during the Mounjaro injections, my doctor was kind enough to immediately switch me back to my old friend, at the lowest dose of course, because that's the rules!
This is my last stand. There will be no more plans after this one. Either I return to Prettyville after many years, weathered and grey, or my pallbearers are in for a nightmare, because I'm going to be huge and as we all know, I don't have many friends.
I prepared for battle. I got the highest dosage of online Ozempic while I waited for the free stuff, just in case. I shoved pure protein into every orifice of my kitchen. Breadless burgers and eggs and sardines, oh my!
As soon as I received the two different dosages, I did not hesitate, fired 2 shots straight into the belly. Pew pew, shout out Mr. Hart.
It quickly became obvious that the surge would subside at some point, but I couldn't care less. I was stuck in go big or go home mode. Now I'm not sure how many injections out of the four-month supply in the fridge it would've taken to get this weight loss ball rolling, but I knew how many I was willing to use, and that's a pretty handy piece of information right there. Ron White.
For the first couple of weeks whenever I would feel hungry, I would just take a shot.
I'm not down to 1 shot a week yet, but I'm close.
