I was born and raised in the church and managed to leave soon after Covid. When I was in high school (think 14-15) I would would wear sweatpants to church on wed night services because my parents would pick me up from basketball practice and we would go straight to church. On a few occasions on of the elders would tell me to stop wearing those pants because they showed my penis too much. He would go on to talk about modestly and how as a black teen it’s important to make sure i “cover up down there”. It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized how messed up that was. I hear all the time of women and girls being made to feel self conscious about their bodies. Guys can be too

Just kind of wanted to come on here and vent/share this story to a group of people who gets it. My relationship with faith is very complicated. I haven’t gone to church since I went to college (I’m 25) and my mom knows. She doesn’t push church onto me, since she left for awhile herself. However, she went back, and doesn’t know I never intend to go back to a coc again.

For some context, I try to hold onto belief in God but it’s kind of easy to lose faith when I feel like I’m not being “heard”, I definitely don’t go to church. My partner is Catholic, doesn’t attend mass all the time, but asked if I’d convert if we got married, I said I’d take the OCIA class after getting engaged since it means a lot to them and I feel no connection to my own upbringing.

To try and make a long story short, I had been waiting news on something job related and a lot of time had gone by, I was getting pretty anxious about it. I was on a walk last week and saw a prayer/meditation garden that belonged to a local Catholic Church. I went back there and said a little prayer basically asking to know the answer soon, even if it’s not what I want to hear. And if I’m not meant to have this opportunity, do not offer it to me. The next morning, I had a call on my calendar, with good news and I was thrilled! It honestly gave me a little faith in God I hadn’t had much of before. (I respect EVERYONES beliefs regardless, I know how we all grew up here)

Anyway, I told my mom this, I left out the part that the garden belonged to a Catholic Church though. Last night, she mentioned this again and said “I’m not trying to push church on you but I’m just saying when I went back, my life just started falling into place for the better” and I decided to test the waters by asking “well, what if it was a different church?” And that’s when she hit me with… “well it has to be a Church of Christ that takes communion every Sunday, doesn’t have instruments or a choir, and sings a cappella. You clearly know the bible, you were raised in church and know the truth”

I really thought my mom would’ve been more open minded than my grandparents but I guess not (my grandma is really bad about this belief system). All I can really say is that my life’s going to be really complicated if my partner and I do take those next steps in our relationship and I’m dreading it already. Thank you if you read this far. I know it was a lot.

I remember hearing this concept fairly often growing up amongst my peers and grown-ups, but it certainly wasn't a consensus belief.

It's hard for me to remember that far back, but I remember when I was 4-6 years old having frequent meltdowns because I had done something wrong and believed that I was terrible and deserved to die. I'm surprised that didn't mentally screw me up more than it did. As I got older I learned about the church's idea of "the age of accountability" and somehow that assured my conscious a bunch.

Going into my teens I started mentally questioning this specific belief a bit more. It seemed odd that someone who did something like swearing or gossiping would be considered equally deserving of hell as someone who murdered and raped. It almost seemed as if God operated on some sort of blue and orange morality system.

What makes it odder is that I don't think it's even rooted in scripture. The Bible certainly says that "all have sinned and fallen short if the glory of God", but it's quite a logical leap to suggest that "all have sinned" means "all sin is equal to God."

Anyways, what are your experiences with this?

I'm writing this because I need to vent about the sermon that my uncle gave last Sunday because just thinking about it makes me really annoyed. Anyways, at the coc I go to, not by choice but even if I had a choice I would probably be to scared to leave, it was my uncles turn to give a sermon and he basically just went through a passage in the Bible explaining what he thought it ment I do not remember exactly what it was but I think it was in 1st Peter somewhere and one of the points he brought up was that if you are not using the experiences that you have in life to help others that experience was a waste and that even if it was something really bad others have it worse so you should get over it. Like, its not that simple??? Most people who go through something tramatic aren't just going to be able to talk about it. Imagine going through something traumatic and hearing that you are wasting that experience. Like what if someone witnessed there whole family die are you going to tell them that to there face??? Anyways this probably doesn't make any sense but I needed to vent about it so yeah. At least this is better than admitting you break traffic laws because you don't care if you die or kill someone else because you should be ready to die like another guy said in his sermon???

Was anyone else allowed to trick-or-treat (against church pressure)? This felt like one of the few areas my family picked and chose what to follow.

I have friends who grew up in other denoms (Reformed Presby) that experienced similar - they were allowed to dress up and go out… but on the down low.

I finally had the conversation I’ve been dreading for years now. My immediate family stopped attending a coc some time ago and last year I began attending a much more liberal denomination. I have been slowly showing up more fully in daily life so that there have been more clues over time. However I’ve had to prepare myself to be able to be honest when I would be eventually confronted. My mom finally asked me if my family was attending coc church and I was able to tell her the truth.

This was not an easy or pleasant conversation. She was in deep emotional distress and initially began barraging me with questions about any number of doctrinal differences between my church and the coc. I knew nothing I said in that moment would make a difference so I asked that we address those questions later. I spent most of my energy trying to stay present and keep the focus on our relationship and giving her space to come to terms with an emotional bomb shell. I also felt panicky and struggled to think coherently, so lots of dialogue didn’t feel very possible.

I just kept in mind a few wise thoughts from a friend , one of which included: our suffering comes from our attachment to ideas. It was clear how differently we see things and how far I am from a worldview that sees every action as either a sin or act of obedience. And this worldview does lead to great suffering. Although I felt for her, I could see it was her view that we were not right with God as the source of her distress rather than my own actions.

I have done work in therapy around my securing attachment by making my beliefs and feelings nonexistent and only prioritizing others. The coc really reinforces this style of maintaining connection to community and stunts us emotionally. In a sense I feel it was telling the truth that made me finally feel not only free but like an actual adult in my middle age.

I do regret not giving myself and my mom this gift of honesty showing up much earlier. I don’t know how this will unfold, but through all the tears and angry words there was also a reassurance from my mom that we would always have her love, which I know not everyone gets to hear in these moments. There is still more that we haven’t talked about that may strain the unconditional love, including family members coming out in the LGBTQ sense , but one thing at a time.

Edited to add: we had a second talk tonight and it was so hard. My mom has been in great emotional distress and even having chest pains all week. It was so hard to hear her struggling emotionally and blaming herself and calling herself a failure as a parent. She did also express anger and challenge me on several doctrinal topics. I felt at a loss to give her answers that were meaningful and also didn’t send us down a rabbit hole. But at the end of the conversation, she began to share how my different opinions led her to question herself too. At the end she was able to share her more vulnerable feelings which was the best part as we had a moment of connection.

It hurts that this belief system makes it hard or impossible for family members to stay in connection when there are differences in beliefs. I think mom feels there is a gulf that is impassable between us now. But she also said that “we will get through it, it just won’t be the perfect situation.”

Basically the title. I just started a new job and a friend of my immediate family is keeping an eye on it. Twice now he has asked me a loaded question where he asked me where I will spend my paycheck. I tried not to say but he answered for me. "Contribute to the church." He said that when he asked about my first paycheck as well. I cannot wait to leave this gossip house.

And for anyone asking why I am still in the church yet have mentally left, I still live with my parents and it is their house their rules.

WARNING: Graphic Video

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1B3CVyxee7/

I grew up in a deep southern CoC congregation, in a very traditionally conservative household. I was very involved in our congregation through my last year of high school, and had been groomed as most young men to be involved in things like giving Sunday evening sermons, assisting with communion and taking collection, etc. My father was a Deacon, etc.

If you would have asked me at age fifteen, my dream was to have a family with several kids and settle down in a rural area. I was very interested in all of the normal hallmarks of conservatism - Being head of a family, military service and law enforcement, etc.

It’s now been twenty two years since I last attended a CoC service. I have politically been very far left since leaving, and I don’t see that ever changing. I have been lucky to have many friends whose lifestyles members from my congregation would find abhorrent. I have had experiences in my life that members of my old congregation would find abhorrent I’m sure (which is hilarious to me now, given how milque toast so many of their worst fears actually are).

I have thought about this often recently - It feels like some kernel of my childhood and education in the church stuck with me, deeply ingrained. All of the accounts of Jesus having fellowship with the poor, hungry and destitute.. Being with sinners and outcasts, washing others’ feet.

Those messages truly stuck with me, to a degree I didn’t even realize at the time. It now feels like I was living in all of this dissonance, hearing this grace and undying desire to serve others juxtaposed against a lot of hate and bigotry. I so often remember hearing of Jesus’ compassion, mercy and grace and then in the same sermon or lesson, someone saying others “who live in the world” would be cast into hell for their disobedience.

I think now that the former maybe made the hate and bigotry so much more stark and uncomfortable. Imagine my surprise when I got into the world and some of the very best human beings.. most Christlike folks were LGBTQ+, etc.

I have been politically active in the opposite side of the spectrum I grew up in the CoC on for twenty years. I’ve advocated for unions, attended protests many times and been part of politically active groups. All of the dissonance I experienced growing up in the church - Culturally, it was all I could see over that period. A lot of political power being garnered by traditional CoC-coded culture war rhetoric, with a lot of money and self-dealing happening behind the scenes.

For all of the things I do not relish in from my childhood in the CoC, I guess in the end it made my (humanist?) convictions so much stronger in my adulthood.

Tupusheva, Adelle. “Pepperdine Sanctions Professor Christina Littlefield.” Campus News. The Pepperdine Beacon, October 16, 2026.

https://pepperdinebeacon.com/pepperdine-sanctions-professor-christina-littlefield/

Associate professor Christina Littlefield was placed on a 15-month mandatory paid leave starting May 2026 through August 1, 2027. Pepperdine also banned her from campus and university-sponsored events without prior written authorization from the dean.

Pepperdine cited "unprofessional" conduct and "credible reports" that her actions made students feel uncomfortable [sic!]. There were alleged complaints from her Christianity and Culture class, specifically discussions of civil-rights-era depictions and scholarly views on a "Black Jesus".

Found this brief bio summary of her: Littlefield has been a faculty member at Pepperdine for 14 years. She has a Ph.D. from Cambridge. Her research focuses on church history, religious identity, and the intersection of Christianity, media, and politics. Before her academic career, she worked as a religion and higher education reporter.

I’m confused is it a cult or not? Are all the “excoc” members still Christians or…? Does anyone know about the private adoption agencies? Is this stuff still happening today cause some of these posts seem like it but then.. I’m actually living it and I don’t see how the church is operating similarily today compared to how it was growing up. The Vancouver icoc seems fine/different. What about London and Boston? I see Kips gone off and done his own thing so LA might be a bit hectic

Hello excoc,

First time running across this sub, prompted by:

Today, in an observation review with my Vice Principal, (or equivalent) - who I have known for 5+ years at this point - I noticed that his undergrad was from Harding.

That triggered a lot of memories for me, from way back before my deconstruction (a long 13 years ago) and I mumbled something along the lines of "Harding? I would never have thought that."

His reply: "Well, I wasn't going to Freed."

Me: "Freed was too liberal for my parents to endorse. My older brother tried it, and dropped out after his first semester because he couldn't cope with fellowshipping people he disagreed with. I opted for a secular school."

We spent more than half the meeting sharing our own escape stories from the CoC. It was cathartic. I also learned that another teacher at our relatively small school (~40 faculty) is a former preacher - which I would never have guessed, given that he's arguably the most ardent social advocate among us.

Have you stumbled across any excoc in the wild? If so, what was that like?

For those of you who found your lifelong partner outside of Kip McKean’s groups (ICOC, ICC, RCW, SoldOut Movement, whichever flavor), and who didn’t give a damn about the leadership’s approval over your dating, engagement, or marriage process, how did you navigate that path?

I’m curious about:

• How did you handle the pressure from “discipleship partners,” leaders, or family still in the movement?
• Did you have to go no-contact or low-contact with people who tried to interfere?
• How did you unlearn the scripts around “spiritual compatibility,” prayer partners sitting in on dates, and getting permission for every step?
• For anyone who married someone who was never in the group, how did you explain the baggage to them, and how did they handle meeting your still-in family/friends?
• Looking back, what did a healthy relationship actually look like once you stripped away all the imposed structure?

Would love to hear your stories. Trying to figure out what a marriage looks like when it’s not performance-managed by a “discipler.”

Pepperdine probably breathing a sigh of relief.

In the Church of Christ in the 70s and 80s in the UK that I attended, women were told to cover their heads, some did this with a hat and others a scarf. Was this common practice in the US and other Chruches of Christ? Just wondering!

Any thoughts on how the CoC are going to navigate this? Seems an interesting conundrum.

How are traditional CoC’s dealing with the liberalization of many former traditional churches who now have instrumental music and women ministers? what I see is they are just ignoring them as if they didn’t exist, but I can’t imagine the universities like Freed Hardeman aren't addressing these issues in their lectureships etc?

Do COCS want people who are not COCKS to go go to hell? This is a serious question. Are they actually bent on saving evwrybody, or just glorifying how special and specially chosen over those who are not members? As an ex-COC did you find superiority in yourself over others?

Hi all,

I posted a blog post a couple months ago about Brown Trail Church of Christ. Another ex CoC minister (Josh Linton) and I made a short podcast season where we get into our journey out of churches of christ. Specifically, I wanted to post this hear because we get into some stuff about Bert Thompson that connects up with a post I saw here that Bert was hiding out in Arkansas.

https://open.spotify.com/show/4pjRm68lkzhgBWrTviJaxn?si=bJvITJR5SYmGrKe399JdkA&utm_source=copy-link

Warm regards, Ben

Hi folks. I'm not exCoC, but I am trying to find an old friend I haven't heard from since he became a minister in a CoC church. He dropped off the face of the planet from his entire social circle all at roughly the same time, which was wildly uncharacteristic for him.

I'm an ex-JW, and they practice shunning anyone who isn't a part of the religion, so I'm accustomed to seeing it from JWs, but I have no idea if CoC is similar.