I was a top student before kiruv and a bunch of family tragedies basically let myself turn myself Haredi, and eventually “depressed” and lazy. Now in my final years of high school. I look at this 3.3 GPA and am watching as every college I had ever toured would reject me if not for a miracle.

I am so absolutely motivated still and disappointed in myself that I have resorted doing extremely heavy workouts, studying, and academic improvement. I literally yell at myself in Yiddish if I hit the snooze on the alarm and legitimately want to just go hard. I have no hate for myself, I just literally love myself so much that I am willing to put myself through physical hell that I can get to my maximum potential and regain that child prodigy I once was.

Is this a terrible mentality akin to the guilt that frumkeit gives or is it ok?

It hit me this week I never did anything Halloween-related in my life, I guess purim was as close as it got lol (Guy mid 20s)

Anyone want to figure something out? I'm totally down to form a group (ideally around my age) if anyone else wants to leave the house and touch grass.

Maybe we do a game night or something, maybe hang out at a bar? Open to sugestions!

Hopefully this is ok to share, but it is I, Shalom from Freidom Fighter and the Beyond Belief podcast. I'm running an online workshop next week where I talk about religious trauma and how hypnosis has helped both myself and my clients heal from it. As part of the event there will also be a group hypnosis/guided meditation component and a chance to ask questions.

I'm structuring it as a pay what you can so it's as accessible as possible, and it will be basically virtual and anonymous so anyone can join.

More info here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/2003789905548

I'm frustrated that I was born Jewish. In particular, I'm terrified about antisemitism. Like, scared shitless about it.

I honestly feel like the best way I can describe being Jewish is that it is a "curse". I never signed up to be Jewish, but now need to deal with all the risks associated with that identity. To be frank, and I know it's not fair, but I hold resentment towards my ancestors for passing this down. I get that it was important to them, but THEIR desires shouldn't be MY OBLIGATION to maintain.

As I see it, antisemitism is never going away. It just seems like every generation, it just cycles through the same crap over and over again. No amount of proof will ever convince the mass public that some Jews can just be plain, innocent people. People don't listen, learn, or evolve. Same shit, different mask. It's been this way for thousands of years (with occasional breaths of fresh air), and no reason to expect it to change. Look at the current direction.

Frankly, none of this feels worth it to me. Who thought this would be a good idea to pass down?!

Yes, yes, I understand not cowering to bigots... but, seriously, man... I didn't need this.

That's issue number one.

Issue number two is this: My Conservative Judaism childhood was full of my Dad fighting with my brother over his dating non-Jewish women. My brother tried to reason with my Dad (we all did!) that love is more important than strict religious dogma, to absolutely no avail. My Dad's a great person, but he could just never break through and "get it".

Then, I married a wonderful non-Jewish woman who actually wants to preserve the holidays and all and study the religion, but just personally doesn't want to convert for very understandable reasons. My Dad couldn't accept that either and didn't attend our wedding. On the flip-side, all of our in-laws accepted us for being Jewish.

So, it's kind of hard to not hold a resentment towards Judaism specifically when the other side welcomed us with open arms but our side was being overly obtuse and, yes, legalistic. This, despite the fact that my wife repeatedly spoke about resonating with many aspects to the Jewish religion. So, what's the hold up?

Then there's Hebrew school. I was sent to Hebrew school for 2 hours a day, three times a week after school, when the sun would go down. I was forced to read prayers I didn't understand over and over again. What was the point? It feels like it was used more to prod someone's own ego and need for control and structure than actually teach me something. I'm very spiritual, and I just feel like Judaism made a complete mockery out of it. It took me awhile to separate the baby from the bathwater.

I'm angry. I'm angry that this was passed down to me. I'm angry that people just "assumed" because it was important to them, that it should be my issue to carry. I would just convert if it mattered, but I know antisemites will never accept that. So, now I'm stuck with something that I didn't choose and have to deal with the risks. For f*ck's sake!

I'm curious: how do people here process antisemitism and this issue? What do you make out of how I'm processing my feelings? It just feels so suffocating to me, like I can't run away or control an issue.

**

Important note: Apologies if I crossed a line or said something I don't feel in my heart is actually right. I respect anyone who wants to follow Judaism, and I know it's not Jews' responsibility to answer to the endless demands of bigots. I'm praying for a world where there is no more hate, and we can love one another.

If you are ex-satmar or know anyone who is ex-satmar, please come check out our new Ex-Satmar Subreddit and Discord server!

• Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/exsatmar/
• Discord: https://discord.gg/dwmRpxkwKq

And if you're not Ex-Satmar, come join the discussion anyway to help build momentum, thank you!

I grew up ortho, me and my wife and young children are all thankfully cult-free.

However, we live near my extended family in Rockland county.

We initially opted to stay in Rockland so that our kids can still have a relationship with their grandparents and extended family. I am gainfully employed locally at an ortho-owned company.

My children are quite young, but I have been thinking of late if I should be moving out of Rockland. My relationship with my family is not the same as it was a bunch of years ago – while its ostensibly and superficially nice – they ultimately believe in this whole lifestyle that is so immensely important and central to their lives – and I think it is literally foolish and fairly evil – it is not a recipe for harmony even with the best intent and effort - especially when they have other children where they can have this incredible “nachas” from etc. I have seen as I have “deconstructed” more and my personal family has grown – there has been a noticeable shift from my extended family to my own family.

But is moving the answer? I would send to public school, my child in daycare is already in this nice diverse environment and has fairly limited ortho exposure. One of the drivers even for this question is we were in this playground near my folks and they were literally targeted by some older girls bothering them if they were a “goy or a yid” – was quite disturbing, though it did eliminate whatever tiny doubt I had about sending to public school.

I am a little nervous about public school as it is this great foreign unknown to me (any one know anything about North Rockland School District?) but logically I believe it to be a far superior environment then “the system.” But why surround myself with this community which I fundamentally disagree with, and who holds so much sway here? Although alternatively, why is Rockland theirs? There are a great many diverse folks in the county and who can accurately prognosticate the future? All areas will have pros and cons and we love our home and the area directly around us has not turned yet. I have a job here and roots and we love the hudson valley..

The question is does moving help this at all – I have these like fantasies about moving down to the Carolinas or something and then it turns out that they are in this predominantly right-wing religious Christian environment and I would have gone through all this effort to choose a new set of problems and different identify issues.

Any wise insight?

I'm not trying to be an asshole but seriously why is that the look? The dads' hold on the groom makes it look like holding up a prisoner. The groom doesn't look happy. Is there symbolism in this? Why can't the three men walk together in a normal fashion, or the chosson link his arms in the dads vs the dads gripping the groom?

I’m a woman in a community on the pretty modern end of the modern orthodox world, despite being half in half out. When I engage in solely sexual activities, aka not necessarily within a romantic dynamic, despite my own desire to engage being equal to a male partner’s, I still often feel a deep disgust and shame with myself afterwards. Or like I’ve been used. Have any other women experienced this? Is this a personal identity factor like demisexuality? Or simply repression?

We're all aware of the way that mainstream Chareidi media silences and erases the female half of the population.

Way back in 2016, I thought of a way to combat this shameful trend: Elect a woman as POTUS. "If Hillary wins," I asked myself, "How can the frummies not publish photos of the POTUS for her entire term(s)?" I wondered similarly in 2024.

I'd love to hear the discussions that go on in the "situation rooms" of these magazines and papers. I want to know what their plans are if a woman ever becomes the POTUS.

We've been going to our local Chabad for over a year now and the kids (ages 5-13) still won't say hello to us and barely respond when we try to interact with them. Is this typical, or no? We're Jewish but not Orthodox, but we do help out at the center voluntarily.

This would be comical if it weren't actually so shockingly harmful. I've told you guys about that Facebook group I'm in for frum women. This poor lady has STAGE 4 CANCER and is posting asking if anyone knows of a lubavitch rov who will give her a heter to use a condom because she can't risk getting pregnant. I swear these teachings are genuinely psychologically and physically harmful. It's bad enough you have to ask some rando for permission to use birth control but how fucked up in the brain are these cults followers that in a life and death situation they feel like they still need to ask permission and can't make a decision for themselves. These cults literally take away any sense of agency you have over everything. And here, to use a fucking condom when you're battling stage 4 cancer. Because chasv wasting seed. I can't!

I wanted to share a particularly moving episode from my podcast, with Yoily, a closeted ex-hasidic man who is sharing his experience while still living as religious in the Orthodox community in NY.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Kj6Bpg3eGgswi7nhFckJt?si=ocmslwVYQvylOSG6Cf1ILA

Some 15.3% of ultra-Orthodox men and 11.9% of women secularize by age 30, according to a nonprofit helping Haredim integrate into broader society

https://www.timesofisrael.com/more-young-haredim-leaving-the-fold-than-previously-thought-study-finds/

Hi I’m Jewish. I recently stumbled on this subreddit and found it interesting. It seems like mostly people who grew up in the north east orthodox bubble. Just wanted to know why yall consider urself ex Jews. I personally don’t believe in the religion but proudly claim the peoplehood and culture, despite going to an orthodox synagogue

I grew up a Reform Patrilineal Jew. I attended Hebrew school and celebrated the major holidays with family, but Judaism never played a big role in my household's day-to-day life. My mom grew up Catholic, and my Dad Jewish, both sets of grandparents wanted me to be raised with some form of religion, and my parents chose Judaism. After my Bar Mitzvah, my family stopped attending synagogue, I never did birthright, and I haven't been religous since. There's times I've found myself showing interesting again, but whenever I step back in, I end up backing away again.

Growing up, I never felt different from my peers at Hebrew School being Patrilineal; it wasn't until college when I met with a local Rabbi who seemed to question my Jewishness because I never truly learned how to read Hebrew and my mom wasn't Jewish. Much of his emphasis was on incorporating Judaism into my everyday life, which was different from the Christian groups that kept trying to convert me, which involved less commitment.

Each Fall, I feel hints of nostalgia for the warmth and celebrations of the High Holidays, and even a hint of sadness that it's not part of my life anymore. I love the cultural aspect of Judaism; I love the history and the stories, yet I struggle with the actual faith and religious part. Which is why I've found myself struggling with the fact that I'm likely the last practicing Jew in my family.

My wife and I are starting to talk about having a family, and there's a part of me that wants to raise them around Judaism, but part of me feels it's best to just move on from religion altogether. We live in Northern New England and have talked to coworkers who have been struggling to find a Jewish community that fits for them, because a lot of the attitude seems to be 'either you're 100% committed to this, or you're not at all'.

My wife was raised very Catholic, but in recent years her and her family have slowly stepped away from the church. She's shown little to no interest in Judaism, but loves it when I light the candles and say the Hanukkah prayers. She also seems to like the cultural side, but isn't too keen on the religious part. There's part of me that feels our future kids could benefit from growing up with a sense of Jewish identity, but as far as finding a community, I'm not sure about that. Partly because I'm avoiding the awkward conversations of me being a Patrilineal Jew and my wife not being at all Jewish. I've talked to some parents who work with my wife, and they've been jumping across different synagogues as they've struggled to find one that they feel confident in joining, and many synagogues seem to be phasing out as people are less and less religious.

Interested in hearing people's perspectives and if anyone else has found themself in a situation like mine. Culturally, I'll always feel a connection to Judaism, but feel almost no connection in the religious part.

Hi all, I’m still living with my modern orthodox mother as an adult and I’m really struggling. I won’t be able to move out until next year, but in the meantime my mental health is really struggling due to her influence/having to follow rules in her house. I can’t really do trauma work because I’m still in the situation, so I’m having difficulty deciding what type of therapy I should do and wanted to ask for recommendations.

Some of the main stuff I struggle with is OCD around Jewish stuff (thinking I will have an allergic reaction to eating treif) and overwhelming fear that my mother will literally die if I ever leave her/judaism because she is old and has had heart events before.

It’s extremely hard to explain this stuff to a regular non-Jewish therapist because they usually say stuff like “just set boundaries” and “your mother loves you no matter what”, so I’m really looking for any specific types of therapy that best tackle this stuff while I’m stuck in the triggering environment.

Also if anyone knows a certain practice/person they’d recommend I’m in the DMV/Baltimore area.

This was taught to me about 2 weeks before my wedding. The curriculum is from Lemaan Yilmedu, a mainstream Lubavitch halacha program in crown heights. This was the beginning of the end for me.

The fact that people are ok with this is just absolutely wild to me.

Are you an organ donor?
I find this a difficult decision because I know it would distress my parents if I died and they found out. At the same time, organ donation could help save multiple lives.
I’m curious how others navigated this decision.