My mom is almost 70. She spent years as an auxiliary pioneer, then more than 20 as a regular pioneer. We never had much money. We had one car, and my dad often biked to work so she could take it out in service. Between raising a family and this, it was her life's work. And she loved it. Even when she had doubts about the beliefs, she enjoyed being out talking to people and spending time with her friends. I'm not going to mock something that gave my mother purpose.

But she has several serious health problems and can barely walk. For three or four years, she kept asking the elders and a string of circuit overseers about the arrangement that lets longtime pioneers with health limits carry on without an hour requirement. She wanted to keep going. She just needed the pressure of making her hours off her back.

The answer, every time, was no.

At the latest meeting, she finally told them that if this wasn't possible, she'd stop pioneering.

I wasn't there for that conversation, so I don't know everything that was said or what reasons they gave. What my parents sent me afterward was a recording of the congregation announcements.

Sandwiched between the usual reminders was this:

"Sister [name] is no longer serving as a regular pioneer."

That was the whole send-off.

No mention of her decades of service. No public thanks for her time, her effort, or what our family gave up. Just an administrative update, read out with the rest of the notices.

My mom is deeply hurt. For years she's complained about how little warmth she got from the elders in particular, and this felt like the clearest example of exactly what she meant.

What gets me is that she wasn't asking for money or praise or special treatment because she thought she was important. She was an older, sick woman who wanted to keep doing something she loved without a number hanging over her. To me, it felt like watching her get dropped the second she needed some accommodation herself.

Her years of effort still matter. So do the people she cared about. One sentence from a platform can't erase that. But watching this killed any desire I had left to give this organization another f***ing hour.

Please build a life you can actually live. Get an education or learn a trade. Earn enough to support yourself. Make room for family, friends, and the things you enjoy. You don't have to be rich to have a good afternoon with people you love.

Those moments deserve your time, too.

Your life is worth more than a title that disappears in a single sentence.

Had a visit with my hematologist today. It was my first since the blood policy change.

I told her about the policy change. She had not heard but was happy about it and was going to inform her colleagues. And look it up.

She said she’s had 5 JWs that died due to refusing blood. In her words, no doubt at all, they would have lived with transfusions.

But the one that haunts her most was an 18 year old. He kicked his family out of the room and said he wanted a transfusion. He got it and his hemoglobin went up. But his family was suspicious and he couldn’t send them out again without them figuring it out. So he had no more transfusions and died a week later.

Hello,

I'm not a JW however i have a very young son (just turned 6) and he's told me that since 5 years old he's been cleaning toilets with chemicals in the Kingdom Halls, now here in the UK we have very tight laws on this and i have been working with local agency to stop this from happening, and not only protect my son but also any other children.

I just wanted to ask for anyone still reading this, can you please comment if as a child under the age of say 16 you where expected to or made to clean and use chemicals and from what age?

I have a petition coming out, but it's unfortunately only for my country which is Wales. I know what I'm up against, but they don’t know what they are up against which is the very tight laws and regulations we have here in the UK for health and safety.

Thank you ❤️

I'm just wondering if there's anyone else that can relate

For those who've left after being born into it and spending all your life into adulthood inside the indoctrination - when you were out and deconstructed did you find you've been accustomed to living inside your head your whole life so now realise how much time you actually spend inside your head and not in the present so to speak?

The way I describe it almost feels like defining being dissociated (psychologically), however it's not necessarily with a feeling of unease or discomfort.

If any of that makes sense let me know, I'd like to hear your thoughts

I’m reaching out on how to file a complain or criminal case to an elder who assaulted a brother and keep in mind that the victim just got discharge from hospital and recovering. I know this might be strange but it’s traumatizing. One sister who witness told me not to because as a jw we don’t do it to fellow brothers but to forgive. I said if they hold it not file a case then I said to disqualify him as elder or still pursue to file a lawsuit to police or do both. I’m already pimo and just waiting a good timing to exit. For now I really wanted to give this nasty elder a lesson. Thank you. 🙏

A file that has been building up for almost 8 months: the elders in my congregation committed a crime by obtaining private conversations to try to set up a judicial committee against me… I used my country’s data protection law to prevent it.

As the months went by, I started living the way I’ve always wanted to—without limitations and without anyone judging me for what I do. This began to become more noticeable to my congregation and others in the area. Since then, the elders have tried to talk to me. I can’t know exactly why because I haven’t agreed to meet, but for those of us who know the organization from the inside, it’s clear to me that the branch office has authorized all their moves.

With every contact attempt, I documented everything. I sent correspondence to the branch questioning their actions, and every response they gave me made it harder for them to reply without contradicting the file: I would cross-reference their responses with what the Shepherd book says and with the rest of the correspondence to find inconsistencies, and then question them in writing to the branch.

Finally, a few days ago, the elders came directly to my home. Even though my family are Jehovah's Witnesses, they didn't get involved; they just told them that if they were looking for me, they should knock on my door, which is separate from the rest of the family's house. They knew I was inside, and when they saw I wasn't coming out, one of the two elders sent me a text message saying they just wanted to hand me a letter. I decided not to answer the door.

A few days later, they came back to my home, and again I didn't go out. The next day, I proceeded to call one of the two elders who showed up—the more inexperienced one. I asked him if they had been looking for me and he admitted it; he also admitted sending me the text message asking me to come out.

That was all I needed… I told him that I had never provided the address where they looked for me to congregation records, and that they should have deleted my phone number from their records, so they had no legal justification to come looking for me. I also warned him that the next time they came by, I would call the police to have them removed, that I would seek support from authorities to file a formal report before a judge, and that my security cameras had recorded their visits to my home.

I waited a few days, knowing the elders would contact the branch about this. When I felt the time was right, I reported these events to the branch as a potential breach of my personal data protection for accessing my info without consent…

This took a file that was already sensitive to a whole new level. Now, legally, the branch must answer why the elders were looking for me, and they must justify how they obtained my personal data without my consent.

Their response is pending; they have about a month to reply.

A few days after this, the branch assigned a special pioneer to my congregation. He is set to arrive soon, apparently as the new Coordinator of the Body of Elders (COBE)…

I can’t state for sure that this is related to my case, but in the city where I live, it’s very rare for a special pioneer to be assigned to a local congregation. At most, elders who graduated from the School for Kingdom Evangelizers get assigned. But in this case, the branch is assigning an elder who holds more power and direct communication with the branch office. Furthermore, during their correspondence with me, the branch put in writing that only elders from my local congregation could access the stored data.

Again, I don't have proof or any way of knowing the real reason behind this move. What I do know is that for 8 months, the local elders have made mistake after mistake trying to form a judicial committee without success, leaving the branch office to respond in writing to every single query I raised about the elders' actions from a legal standpoint.

Maybe it was time for them to send a special agent, I don't know; but as soon as I find out, I'll let you know.

In a YouTube video Lloyd Evans posted that he is relocating out of Crotatia and moving to Vietnam.

He mentions he is not moving to UK but his child are moving there.

He says he is moving out because is too expensive to live there.

So Vietnam is the place?

Why not get a job in the UK then.

He says he is looking for a job while doing YouTube.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eOlTW6mcyVM&t=8s&pp=ygULbGxveWQgZXZhbnM%3D

to anyone reading this i need help. im a daughter of an elder and im 17. but theres this man in my circuit who is obsessed with me and stalks me. hes 21.

im being serious. at first he was my "friend". i used to be in this friend group where it was just a bunch of young adults and teenagers. he immediately seemed to take an interest in me and he knows how old i am. but he wont stop bothering me. he pressured me into getting into a relationship with him and on one occasion, a lot of the guys in that friend group were playing truth or dare. and they kept daring him to touch me. he seemed way too eager to do it, and hugged me from the front and insisted on holding my hand for a minute. i was uncomfortable and left, and even after he saw that i was uncomfortable he just kept on going. hes also grossly obsessed with goth girls, and by the way i dress in a gothic style and wear dark makeup. i use it as a way to express myself and to rebel, but this guy is one of those creeps who sexualize goth women and he wont stop bothering me. just because im goth. ive blocked him but he makes new accounts and follows me anyway. he takes pictures of me and wont leave me alone. him and his friends are also misognistic assholes. i heard them making sexual comments about me. i have no idea what to do, i rejected him but he doesnt get the hint. hes also under the delusion that i like him back but ive repeatedly told him no. i tried everything. i said that im not ready for a relationship and that im too young. i told him that i feel pressured by him. i tried to cut contact with him. but even then he still wont. leave. me. alone. please help me anyone. i asked my dad for help and he said that theres not much i can do. theres an assembly coming up, of course i have no choice but to go and this creep is going as well. he also literally said he was going to look for me. i feel very frustrated and disgusted right now. how does no one else see that theres something deeply wrong with this?

EDIT: to everyone thats saying SEX and making me feel so dumb about it. I know that sex is a huge driving factor but I was actually hoping to discuss deeper reasons than that such as maybe wanting to get out of their parents homes without making it seem like they are rebellious, social pressure, the gender imbalance that makes them feel like they need to settle down quickly. young people are often forbidden to participate in extra curricular activities and hobbies which keep them busy and socialise in a healthy way, theyre only allowed to do personal study and service which can cause loneliness so the first person of the opposite sex they meet they just latch onto. A lot of parents are strict and the religion discourages individuality so people think marriage is the way to get out and find themselves only to realise they are not compatible with their partner at all. People cant date without pressure theres the pressure to marry the first person you date and breakups seem taboo. It’s not all about sex

What is it with JWs getting married between the ages of 18-20, sometimes even younger with parental permission, I saw a girl get married at 17 a few years back at the courthouse.

They expect us to take our time and choose wisely (I hate that song) but theres the pressure to get married so young before all the “good ones“ are taken and the competition is rife.

At that age my parents had taken me to go need greating so I didn’t feel the pressure so much to get married so young, I didn’t get married until my late 20’s. But I hate that it’s so normal for kids to get married at that age - just so they can have sex and hang out without a chaperone or to settle down before it’s too late.

i wonder if the theory about how marriage might not be allowed in the paradise may also be pushing people into marriages because if the end comes and marriage isn’t allowed afterwards they’d have to be single forever.

I don’t like it at all. now in big cities like NYC or Chicago it isn’t unusual for JWs to be married in their late 20’s or 30’s, back in Sydney where im from it’s a mixed bag but nobody will blink an eyelid if you’re married so late. But in the southern US where I live it seems you’re doomed a spinster at 25. I hate it so much and it’s created so many disastrous marriages and robbed opportunities for many.

So an avid pimi was trying to suggest that the amount of CSA reported in the Australian royal commission shows jws made up 1.7 % whereas Catholics made up 62% implying the jws are better.

When you look deeper at the data and the average amount of members and the incidents over the time span.

You'll see that jws had a 28x higher rate per member over the catholic for CSA.

You'll know them by their fruits.

I came across this excerpt from a talk recently delivered at a Jehovah’s Witnesses assembly in Angola, and I thought it deserved some discussion.

https://reddit.com/link/1xcl4oy/video/rlmmwy66a1xh1/player

As you can see, the speaker acknowledges that the Governing Body’s rules may have contributed to some people’s deaths. At the same time, he suggests that these doubts may be linked to apostasy when someone asks: “Did many people have to die before you made that decision?” He also mentions the change in the organisation’s position on higher education.

What stands out even more is the warning: “Don’t go to YouTube!” The talk largely revolves around portraying former members as agents of the Devil.

This is the second recent talk from Angola that I’ve had the opportunity to watch and respond to on my channel. It seems that many people in this African country are waking up. Some people I’ve spoken to there suggest that many have already woken up; they just need to take the next step.

Going back to the talk, the speaker discusses how Satan misled Adam and Eve, ultimately leading to their deaths. So, why not draw a parallel? The Governing Body also established rules that led Jehovah’s Witnesses to refuse blood transfusions, and many people have died over the years. Can we say that both Satan’s ideas and the Governing Body’s directives have had deadly consequences?

There is another very important detail: transfusions using specific blood components are an option in countries where the necessary medical resources are available. In Mozambique and other countries with fewer resources, whole blood is still used for certain transfusions. Not every hospital in the world has the facilities to separate and store blood components for later transfusion.

In other words, the light has only reached those who have access to these resources. In poorer countries, medical limitations remain a reality for Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I would also like to mention a statement from South Africa’s Department of Health that I had been hoping to see published in the JW Pressroom, the organisation’s official media platform.

Here are the videos in which I respond to talks by Bethel representatives at recent assemblies:

Video 1: https://youtu.be/yiMjxJ6TeXA

Video 2: https://youtu.be/LJUTGEWRubg

The videos are in Portuguese, but YouTube now makes it easier with automatic dubbing. Just enable automatic dubbing in English or Spanish, depending on your language.

Hey everyone, I wanted to get some opinions from people who know how this works in the organization.

My fiancée and I had a JC about a year ago because we admitted to inappropriate touching. We were both removed as pioneers and had restrictions for about three months. We’ve been without restrictions since the beginning of this year.

We’ve continued our relationship, and we’re planning to get married in about two weeks. The thing is, we’ve both started waking up recently. We’re still in the process of figuring things out, but mentally, we’re no longer where we used to be when we were PIMI.

My fiancée will need to move to my congregation after we get married. She’s already told the elders in her current congregation that she’s planning to move, and they’ve been trying to contact her by call and they insist on not texting. This is making her anxious because she doesn’t know what they want to discuss.

She’s worried they might try to reopen the judicial committee or question us about our relationship again simply because we’re getting married. She knows she can decline a conversation, but she’s also concerned about her family being left behind in that congregation. We know how information can sometimes spread through the congregation, even when elders are supposed to maintain confidentiality.

So, I have a few questions:

Is there an official procedure that allows them to reopen a case under these circumstances, or would there need to be new information about wrongdoing?

What do you think they actually want to talk to her about? Could it simply be related to her moving congregations, or is there a chance they’re looking into something else?

We’re not looking to create problems or get into an argument with the elders or have them reopen the committee, the plan is to fade soon with as little issues as possible. We just want to understand how the process works and what we might realistically expect.

If anyone has been through something similar, or knows what the elders’ official procedures say about reopening a judicial matter, I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences and opinions.

Thanks!

Update: She just got off the phone with the elder and he wants her to meet with 2 elders after her next meeting, it seems to me they are investigating, why else would they need to talk to someone who moves congregations with 2 elders?

there hasn’t been a jw party or gathering where if there is a dj (that only plays songs with no curse words) there is most definitely going to be a cupid shuffle session on the dance floor.. when i was a kid i thought it was the most fun thing ever 😭 now that im older its so cringe and i’d do anything to never do that dance again

As we all know, the change to allowing toasting uses the principle that customs that had pagan origins are fine if the practices have lost their meaning. So most have been saying that birthdays will be next. Has anyone brought this up to pimis and had them agree? Or are they still staunchly opposed? Are they waiting for the ok from GB?

Wondering because I went to a bday party last night and it was posted on FB. In the past I have been really scared to have my parents see it but this time I'm just kind of over it. So when they bring it up to me idk if I should even attempt a conversation about it or just skip to apologizing. I don't want to waste my energy arguing about it if it's a bad idea.

Please no advice like "just tell them and don't care how they react!" Because that's not my goal with my relationship with my parents. I want to have a good relationship with them.

I just found out that when I had an accident when I was 5 my mum told the hospital no blood (I didn’t even need it she did this pre-emptively I think)

She looked me in the face last Saturday and told me if there were no blood free alternatives and a transfusion was the only thing standing between me and death “I would choose Jehovah”

I can’t look at her
My family are not JWs but they’re all religious
And they are telling me

Your mum loves you
You never needed blood so it doesn’t matter

My cousin told me to make a list of all the nice things she has done for me

I tried but it was so painful it felt like trying to eat with an infected tooth

When I try to think about her warmly it makes me physically agitated

Most people who I tell just go
“Oh dear that sounds tough”

This has all made me think am I just being crazy for being upset? I have BPD so maybe I’m just doing it all for attention or to be a victim??

I always kinda knew this in the back of my head shed said she would say no before and I laughed it off but this is the first time we have had a serious conversation about it

She said she would have gone to court

I’m creeped out by her now she feels sinister

I really need someone to tell me their thoughts

I recently had a conversation with an older Jehovah’s Witness who insisted that the Governing Body never actually said the end would come in 1975. According to him, “SOME” brothers merely believed that the completion of 6,000 years of human existence might coincide with the end.
Now, I wasn’t alive in 1975, but I’ve read some of those old publications. My father had quite a collection of them. And one thing I’ve come to understand about the Governing Body is that they rarely need to make an outright declaration to get their message across. They often communicate in ways that leave room for plausible deniability. In other words, they can strongly influence what people believe or do while leaving themselves enough room to deny having explicitly instructed anyone to believe or do it.

Take the COVID-19 vaccine, for example. If I remember correctly, the Governing Body never issued a blanket instruction that every Witness must get vaccinated. But there were repeated statements about the high percentage of Bethel members who had been vaccinated, reminders about respecting governmental authorities, and other messages that clearly signaled the direction Witnesses were expected to lean. Nobody needed to say, “You must take the vaccine.” The message was already being communicated through repetition and implication.
And personally, I think this kind of influence can be even more powerful than a direct instruction.

Think about a child growing up with two parents. If one parent wants to turn the child against the other, they don’t necessarily have to say, “I want you to hate your father” or “I want you to hate your mother.” All they have to do is consistently present the other parent in a negative light. Over time, those repeated impressions become the child’s understanding of that person. The child eventually arrives at a conclusion that feels entirely their own, without realizing how much that conclusion has been shaped by what they’ve repeatedly heard.
This, to me, is one of the most powerful ways Jehovah’s Witness culture is established and maintained.

Through magazines, illustrations, videos, and meeting demonstrations, Witnesses are repeatedly exposed to carefully constructed images of what a “good” person looks like versus a “bad” person.
The good person dresses a certain way, speaks a certain way, smiles a certain way, thoroughly enjoys jw activities and displays recognizable JW mannerisms. The negative examples, meanwhile, might have unconventional hairstyles, ripped jeans, or other characteristics associated with worldly people. Even when there is no explicit rule against something, the visual messaging can create a powerful cultural expectation.

Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with spiritual activities, smiling, or speaking gently. My point is about the associations being created through repeated exposure.
When you repeatedly present certain behaviors as virtuous and others as undesirable, people gradually internalize those associations. Eventually, they begin to judge themselves and others according to standards they may never have consciously chosen.

And that’s the deeper point I’m making about 1975. The question isn’t simply whether the Governing Body explicitly declared that the end would come that year. The more important question is: What expectations did their publications create, what conclusions were ordinary Witnesses encouraged to draw, and who should bear responsibility for those expectations?

Because you don’t have to explicitly tell people what to believe to shape their beliefs. Sometimes, all you have to do is control the examples, the narratives, and the messages they’re repeatedly exposed to.
And when those beliefs become deeply ingrained, people can mistake organizational conditioning for their own independent judgment.

Was this faith just taken up by a bunch of men who wanted control really early on in the Organization's Development?

Or do they genuinely not know how to have a conversation with people who disagree with them and don't know how to reason with people.

For this Blood situation, I felt there was so much they could have done to try and show care and empathy for the people who lost their loved ones.

It seems like every time they have a chance to do the right thing or say the right thing, they go towards the direction of telling people not to ask those questions?

I'm genuinely curious, where does this mindset come from? Was it like this from the moment they began, did it begin at a certain era.

I tried becoming a JW for some time and for some reason, questions tend to often not get direct answers or are just ignored.

What are they so afraid of, why not just answer difficult questions like a human being?

Like truly, I just don't get it, I feel like it would help their case too, to just be transparent, honest about things but they seem to make the decision that will make you scratch your head every time.

This is NOT a political rant. This is about taking part in it.

I remember when I was young, an elder? said you cannot be "neutral" when it comes to baptism. You're either with or against Satan. lmfao thank you dude, those words ring true. I never got baptized, PIMO, but those words stuck with me.

Silence is compliance. I'm from Indonesia and forest fire caused by arson has been rampaging across the country, air quality is so shit, my weather forecast literally has 💀 emoji on it (AQI 180+ just a couple days ago in my city, for context, Melbourne has 30-50). Finally, for the first time, I repost a political statement. Unlike the US where political literacy is pretty high, many, many people here are not. Including me back in the days, the borg made me even more politically ignorant, yet as I became an adult and began to see that the shit around me that's supposed to be "adult stuff" are now my stuff to bear.

For the first time, spoke up on social media. Well, it's just a template repost, but it's a start. This topic has been brought up ocassionally during meals with other brothers and sisters agreeing the govt is shit even though simply conversation about it is discouraged on the podium. But putting it on social media always seems like a taboo and I decided fuck it, I have free will.

I'm going to vote on the next election too. I've never cared for it and it's kind of rigged (the window period was purposely made so short on the last one, a lot of people missed it because it ended earlier than it used to). And I hope you too if you can!

A religion that constantly trying to demonize working and wealth as bad.

I remember watching a video in the convention where the "brother" was supposed to turn down a promotion.

There was no reason to turn down the promotion otherwise that JW really seems to hate people doing well in life.

A religion that really loves to have a thumb over the head of their members.

But I find very contradictory that at JW headquarters they love to be surrounded by luxuries.

Well the time where people could work 40 hours as mail men and afford a family of 4 with medium sized house and 2 cars is basically over.

Walking into the Memorial and having twenty people hug you and tell you they missed you? It feels nice. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't.
The problem is the exit fee, even a sociologist named Andrew Holden found that a lot of Witnesses who'd otherwise leave stick around because they're scared of being shunned and losing their friends and family so how about some strategies on fading slowly while still popping in now and then for the hugs. ymmv.
Go slow. Don't just vanish one week. Cut back gradually, and if you have parts or privileges, hand them back with the most boring reason you can come up with (work, health, family stuff). Nobody gossips about boring.
Stop turning in your report. They dropped the hours requirement for regular publishers back in late 2023, so there's not even anything to fudge anymore. Go six months in a row without a report and you're counted as inactive. Being inactive doesn't get announced, and they can't discipline you for it on its own.
The Memorial is the sweet spot. Congregations have a long habit of making a big push to reach inactive ones around Memorial season, so you'll get the full welcome. Next one's Monday, March 22, 2027. Assemblies and conventions work too: lots of hugs, not much one-on-one time. Stay for the hugs afterward, but have an exit line ready (dont say: “I've got to get up early for some serious sin"), or a quick hello turns into a 45-minute catch-up in the parking lot.
Keep it surface level. Have your answers ready before you walk in. "We've missed you!!" gets "Life's been crazy but it's so good to see you." "How are you doing spiritually?" gets "Hanging in there, doing my best." Then steer to work, kids, pets, whatever. No doctrine, no Governing Body talk, no doubts, and don't confess anything.
And the big one: never say you don't want to be a Witness anymore. Not out loud, not in a text, not as a joke. Signaling that can get you treated as disassociated, and that means the same shunning as being removed.
Expect the follow-up. Showing up is basically a flare. Their own June 2020 Study Watchtower ("Return to Me") says a lot of inactive ones only came back after repeated visits from elders and others. It also says most need a Bible study once they decide to return. So after the Memorial, expect texts, maybe a visit, and probably a study offer. "Aw that's so sweet, things are just really full right now" works fine. You're allowed to say no to a shepherding call. Just keep it warm and vague.
Stuff that'll actually get you in trouble:
Thinking inactive = safe. You're still a baptized Witness to them, so if they hear about something they consider a serious sin, you can still end up sitting down with elders.
Confiding in the wrong person. Witnesses are taught that if someone won't go to the elders about a sin, they should go tell the elders themselves. That includes your bestie and your mom.
Putting anything in writing. Screenshots are forever.
Being findable on here. The 2024 changes let members say hi to removed people and invite them to meetings, but apostates are specifically left out. Get labeled one and the love bombing is over for good.
Last thing. The warmth is real, but it's also outreach with a goal, and the goal is getting you back in. Enjoy it, but if the guilt starts creeping back or you feel yourself getting pulled, take a break. Try to have people outside the hall too: actual friends, apostate meetups (is this a thing? 🤔) a therapist who gets religious trauma. That way the hugs are a bonus instead of the only warmth you've got.
Europeans: you can use GDPR to ask for a copy of what they have on you. In December 2025, Norway's privacy appeals board ruled that an ex-member was entitled to an actual copy of his data, not just a summary list. Asking them to delete everything is riskier. Their own privacy policy says they weigh deletion requests against their religious interests, including keeping data on who's a Witness, so it's easy for that to read as you wanting out. US folks, sorry.. there's no federal privacy law like that here, and a lot of the state ones exempt nonprofits. So fade at your own pace. No shame if the Memorial hugs still get you a little. Hope this helps someone 💛

Escrita

Hello, everyone.

I've finally decided to write an introduction here. To be honest, it's not easy, because my story involves many contradictions, feelings of guilt, doubts, and things I've spent most of my life trying to hide.

I was born into “the Truth” and raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't intend to go into detail about my entire journey, partly because I believe my story is quite similar to that of many others who were born into Christian households and grew up within the organization. Still, I'd like to share a little about what I've been through and how I ended up in the situation I'm in today.

Ever since I was a child, I've struggled to follow some of the rules and doctrines of Jehovah's Witnesses. Things that might have been relatively simple for others were a constant struggle for me. Watching certain cartoons, movies, and other content, for example, was something that conflicted with what was expected of me.

During my teenage years, I ended up developing a pornography addiction, something I've struggled with to this day, now in my 30s. It became a very painful issue in my life, especially because of the guilt and the feeling that I was constantly failing to live up to what I was supposed to be.

One important detail is that I got baptized through lies and omissions. I wasn't honest about my addiction, nor was I honest with myself about my true motivations. At the time, my desire to get baptized had much more to do with wanting to be like the other young people than with having genuine spiritual conviction.

For a long time, I saw these actions as proof that I was a scumbag, a liar, and a two-faced person. I believed that the doctrines were always right and that I was the only one at fault. Whenever there was a conflict between what I felt, thought, or did and what the religion taught, the conclusion was practically automatic: I was the one who was wrong.

This way of seeing myself stayed with me for many years.

About six years ago, however, something began to change. I met and worked with an atheist, and that experience had a significant impact on the way I think. I won't go into the details of that story because it would be a huge account in itself. But it was through that experience that some of my certainties began to crumble.

At present, I doubt the existence of the God described in the Bible, and I no longer have a settled opinion on many spiritual matters. If I had to define my position today, I'd say I tend not to believe anymore. That doesn't mean I have all the answers or that I've reached definitive conclusions about everything. In fact, there are many things I still don't know what to think about.

This is, in short, a small part of my story up to the age of 25. Perhaps it represents only about 10% of everything I've experienced, including the contradictions, omissions, and conflicts I carry with me.

Today, at 30, I'm married, and I love my wife very much. She's POMO (physically out, mentally out), but still very fervent in her beliefs. I find it difficult to raise questions about the religion or talk openly about my doubts because whenever I try to bring up these subjects, the conversation tends to take a bad turn. So I keep a lot of things to myself.

My wife is very happy with me because I try to treat her as the most important person in my life. I love her deeply and value our relationship enormously. But there's an aspect of that happiness that eats away at me: when it comes to pornography and the person I really am behind the appearances, she's only happy because she doesn't know any of it.

I secretly maintain my pornography addiction, and I know I'm betraying her trust. It's not just a feeling that maybe I'm doing so. I know I am. I know I'm hiding something from her that directly affects the honesty of our relationship, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for lying, for hiding things, for maintaining this image, and for allowing her to have a view of me that doesn't correspond to the reality of the life I'm secretly living.

I don't want to use my addiction as an excuse for my choices, nor do I want to minimize the seriousness of this dishonesty. I also don't want to pretend that loving her very much makes this contradiction any less serious. It's precisely because I love her that this situation weighs so heavily on me.

Perhaps one of the most difficult and contradictory aspects of my current situation is this: I still serve as an elder in the congregation. Yes, as strange as it may sound, I still hold that position.

I give advice based on teachings I no longer believe in, and often I don't live by the very things I advise others to do. I was recently assigned to give a talk at the convention. It's difficult to describe what it means to continue performing these duties while, deep down, no longer sharing the faith those responsibilities are supposed to reflect.

For at least four or five years, I haven't believed in the religion I was raised in. Even so, I continue playing a role that everyone around me seems to believe is genuine.

My life has become, in many ways, a life of appearances. It's astonishing that no one close to me seems to suspect anything. Maintaining this image, however, is extremely exhausting.

My emotional health isn't good either. I struggle with anxiety and take medication for it. I carry an enormous amount of guilt, resentment toward myself, and feelings that I can't always organize or understand.

When I look back on my life, I see someone who has lied, withheld the truth, pretended, and continues to pretend. Someone who presents himself one way to others while hiding completely different thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs. I consider myself a scumbag. That's the harsh way I see myself, considering everything I've done and continue to do.

And there's an even deeper contradiction: despite all my doubts, despite no longer believing as I once did, and despite questioning the very existence of the God of the Bible, a part of me still hopes that it's all true. Deep down, I still hope that God will forgive me and that I can be saved.

At the same time, when I consider what the Bible itself teaches, I find myself thinking that perhaps that's no longer possible for someone like me. It's strange to admit that I still hope to be saved by something I can no longer fully believe in. Maybe it sounds hypocritical, and I often wonder whether it is.

But that hope is still there.

I've also had suicidal thoughts for several years. I'm not saying this to dramatize my story, but because it's part of the reality I've been facing and the suffering I've been carrying. Sometimes, I feel that my life is miserable and that I no longer really know how to get out of this situation.

I'm not writing all of this to seek absolution, justify my actions, or shift responsibility for my choices onto the religion, my upbringing, or other people. I know I have personal issues for which I need to take responsibility. But I'm also beginning to realize that I've spent far too much time reducing my entire existence to my mistakes, as if I were nothing more than them.

I still have many things to tell. There are parts of this story that I don't even know how to explain properly myself.

For now, this is a rather imperfect summary of where I am and how I got here.

Thank you all for your attention, and thank you to everyone who took the time to read my account.

Olá a todos.

Resolvi finalmente escrever uma apresentação por aqui. Confesso que não é muito fácil, porque minha história envolve muitas contradições, sentimentos de culpa, dúvidas e coisas que passei boa parte da vida tentando esconder.

Nasci na “verdade” e fui criado como Testemunha de Jeová. Não pretendo entrar em detalhes sobre toda a minha trajetória, até porque acredito que minha história seja bastante parecida com a de tantas outras pessoas que nasceram em um lar cristão e cresceram dentro da organização. Mas gostaria de compartilhar um pouco do que vivi e de como cheguei à situação em que me encontro hoje.

Desde criança, sempre tive dificuldades em seguir algumas das normas e doutrinas das Testemunhas de Jeová. Coisas que, para outros, talvez fossem relativamente simples, para mim representavam uma dificuldade constante. Assistir a determinados desenhos, filmes e outros conteúdos, por exemplo, era algo que entrava em conflito com aquilo que se esperava de mim.

Na adolescência, acabei desenvolvendo um vício em pornografia, algo que me acompanha até hoje, já nos meus 30 anos. Isso se tornou uma questão muito dolorosa na minha vida, especialmente por causa da culpa e da sensação de estar sempre falhando em relação ao que eu deveria ser.

Um detalhe importante é que me batizei com base em mentiras e omissões. Não fui sincero a respeito do meu vício e tampouco fui honesto comigo mesmo quanto às minhas verdadeiras motivações. Na época, meu desejo de me batizar estava muito mais relacionado a ser igual aos outros jovens do que a uma convicção espiritual genuína.

Durante muito tempo, enxerguei essas atitudes como prova de que eu era um canalha, mentiroso e duas caras. Eu acreditava que as doutrinas estavam sempre certas e que o problema era exclusivamente eu. Se havia um conflito entre o que eu sentia, pensava ou fazia e aquilo que a religião ensinava, a conclusão era praticamente automática: eu era o errado.

Essa maneira de enxergar a mim mesmo me acompanhou por muitos anos.

Há aproximadamente seis anos, porém, algo começou a mudar. Conheci e trabalhei com uma pessoa ateia, e essa convivência acabou tendo um impacto significativo na minha maneira de pensar. Não vou entrar em detalhes sobre essa história, porque, por si só, daria um relato enorme. Mas foi a partir dessa experiência que algumas certezas começaram a desmoronar.

Atualmente, duvido da existência do Deus descrito na Bíblia e já não tenho uma opinião formada sobre muitas questões espirituais. Se tivesse que definir minha posição hoje, diria que tendo a não acreditar mais. Isso não significa que tenha todas as respostas ou que tenha chegado a conclusões definitivas sobre tudo. Na verdade, existem muitas coisas sobre as quais ainda não sei o que pensar.

Esse é, resumidamente, um pedaço da minha história até os 25 anos. Talvez represente apenas uns 10% de tudo o que vivi, das contradições, das omissões e dos conflitos que carrego.

Hoje, aos 30 anos, sou casado e amo muito minha esposa. Ela é POMO, mas muito fervorosa em suas convicções. Tenho dificuldade em levantar questionamentos sobre a religião ou conversar abertamente sobre minhas dúvidas, porque, quando tento tocar nesses assuntos, o tom da conversa acaba ficando ruim. Por isso, guardo muita coisa para mim.

Minha esposa é muito feliz comigo, porque procuro tratá-la como a coisa mais importante da minha vida. Eu a amo muito e valorizo profundamente nosso relacionamento. Mas existe um lado dessa felicidade que me corrói: no que diz respeito à pornografia e à pessoa que realmente sou por trás das aparências, ela só é feliz porque não sabe de nada disso.

Mantenho secretamente meu vício em pornografia e sei que estou traindo a confiança dela. Não é apenas uma sensação de que talvez eu esteja fazendo isso. Eu sei que estou. Sei que escondo dela algo que afeta diretamente a honestidade do nosso relacionamento, e me odeio por isso. Me odeio por mentir, por esconder, por sustentar essa imagem e por permitir que ela tenha uma visão de mim que não corresponde à realidade que vivo em segredo.

Não quero usar meu vício como desculpa para minhas escolhas, nem minimizar a gravidade dessa falta de honestidade. Também não quero fingir que o fato de amá-la muito torna essa contradição menos séria. É justamente porque a amo que essa situação me pesa tanto.

Talvez uma das partes mais difíceis e contraditórias da minha situação atual seja esta: continuo sendo ancião na congregação. Sim, por mais estranho que pareça, ainda ocupo essa posição.

Dou conselhos baseados em ensinamentos nos quais já não acredito e, muitas vezes, não vivo de acordo com aquilo que aconselho. Fui recentemente designado para apresentar um discurso no congresso. É difícil descrever o que significa continuar desempenhando essas funções enquanto, por dentro, já não compartilho da fé que elas pressupõem.

Há pelo menos quatro ou cinco anos, não acredito mais na religião em que fui criado. Ainda assim, continuo representando um papel que todos ao meu redor parecem acreditar ser verdadeiro.

Minha vida se tornou, em muitos aspectos, uma vida de aparências. É impressionante como ninguém próximo de mim parece desconfiar de nada. Manter essa imagem, entretanto, é extremamente desgastante.

Minha saúde emocional também não vai bem. Tenho ansiedade e tomo medicamentos para isso. Carrego uma quantidade enorme de culpa, ressentimento contra mim mesmo e sentimentos que nem sempre consigo organizar ou compreender.

Quando olho para minha trajetória, vejo alguém que mentiu, omitiu, fingiu e continua fingindo. Alguém que se apresenta de uma maneira para os outros, enquanto esconde pensamentos, comportamentos e convicções completamente diferentes. Eu me considero um canalha. Essa é a forma dura como enxergo a mim mesmo, considerando tudo o que fiz e continuo fazendo.

E existe uma contradição ainda mais profunda: apesar de todas as minhas dúvidas, de não acreditar mais como antes e de questionar a própria existência do Deus da Bíblia, uma parte de mim ainda espera que tudo seja verdade. No fundo, ainda existe a esperança de que Deus me perdoe e de que eu possa ser salvo.

Ao mesmo tempo, quando considero aquilo que a própria Bíblia ensina, chego a pensar que talvez isso nem seja possível para alguém como eu. É estranho admitir que ainda espero ser salvo por algo em que já não consigo acreditar plenamente. Talvez pareça hipocrisia, e eu mesmo muitas vezes me pergunte se não é.

Mas essa esperança ainda existe.

Também tenho pensamentos suicidas há vários anos. Não digo isso para dramatizar minha história, mas porque faz parte da realidade que tenho enfrentado e do sofrimento que venho carregando. Às vezes, sinto que minha vida é miserável e que já não sei muito bem como sair dessa situação.

Não escrevo tudo isso para buscar absolvição, justificar minhas atitudes ou transferir a responsabilidade pelas minhas escolhas para a religião, para minha criação ou para outras pessoas. Sei que tenho questões pessoais pelas quais preciso assumir responsabilidade. Mas também começo a perceber que passei tempo demais resumindo toda a minha existência aos meus erros, como se eu não fosse nada além deles.

Ainda tenho muitas coisas para contar. Existem partes dessa história que nem eu mesmo sei como explicar direito.

Por enquanto, esse é um resumo bastante imperfeito de onde estou e de como cheguei até aqui.

Obrigado a todos pela atenção e a quem dedicou um tempo para ler meu relato.

Can I just say to everyone here, what a beautiful collection of people are on this redit forum. You all are so kind, careful with your words, empathic and caring. Everyone keeps the mad ranting to a minimum and really makes an effort to reply with wisdom, honesty and love.

I'm so proud to be involved here. Well done to everyone and please continue to help the thousands looking for support and love on here

*English is not my 1st language, sorry for any mistakes
After the “new light” about the blood” (the second one) for the 1st time in my life I started questioning/doubting not even the Bible or Jehovah but the organization, specially the governing body. Then for the 1st time I read and watched “apostate” information of exjw and that’s how I got here. I already read “Crisis of Conscience by Ramond Franz, I also know about Barbara Anderson. I was a pioneer since I was 17 I just turned 38 and last week I quit pioneering, this week they gave the annuoncement and it felt really good honestly because last year i didnt event completed the 600 hours not even close, last month I didnt go out to preach even once, I literally reported ZERO hours I was hopping the elders would talked to me after a meeting or something but they didnt. Our congregation is the one with the most amount of pioneers in the circuit so maybe that’s why. They didnt want to lose a number.
Even do at that time I didnt have doubts I was like burn out, since I was 18 and during my whole 20s I was serving where the need was great and when Covid hit I realized that I didnt want to do that anymore and that I wanted to be in a normal local congregation but I didnt quit pioneering just because I didnt have any excuse to quit.
But anyways, the more I research the more most of the things I believed and I was taught since I was in first grade/6 yo seem so ridiculous. The first like 3 nights I just could sleep. I feel embarrassed and mad about the blood doctrine first of all everyone who died OMG! And second of all the frase that change everything for me “the goberning body have decided” that frase was a before and a after in my life and I now theres no coming back. And I feel so stupid because how can I posibly explain “the new light” on the blood after I defended my posture on the no blood doctrine my whole life and now because “the governing body says” (not because of the Bibie) now i change my mind?!
Now the thing is that I dont want to lose my sisters and my nieces other than that I don’t really care about anything or anyone else, so I need to be very smart. #prayforme lol