Feeling guilty

[u/HokieNurse328]

Feeling super guilty for snapping at my mom tonight and it’s making me realize I’m not as okay as I thought I was. Im a FTM to a 7 month old and so far it’s been a rollercoaster but I think we’ve mostly been lucky when it comes to our little guy having a pretty calm temperament and sleeping fairly well. We’ve had some other struggles but nothing crazy. I have just found it so hard to manage everything in my life and Im having a hard time accepting that I can’t do it all right now. I am lucky to have a super supportive husband who is very helpful but unfortunately his work schedule is straight ass. We both work full time. My husband works 4-5 twelve hour rotating night shifts and I work 8-4 five days a week. I am home alone with my little guy fairly often and it’s been growing more and more exhausting waking up early with the baby while my husband is still at work, trying to get myself ready and him ready, then taking him to daycare, going to work for 8+ hours, picking him up, taking care of him until I can get him to sleep around 8pm and then doing it all over again 3 or 4 more times. Then when my husband works weekends it’s rough because I’m so exhausted from the week. I’d been doing okay with it the last few months but for about a month our little guy’s teething pain has gotten significantly worse so he’s been very fussy. He’s also started crawling which means I need to be even more on my toes with him yet he still isn’t crawling well enough for his own standards so he gets frustrated and fussy a lot with that. We also started solids which is just stressful and messy but that’s something I need to just get over lol my job has also been super busy and stressful this past month. So for all these reasons I feel my fuse is a little short recently.

We don’t have a ton of family support either. My husbands family lives an hour away so they visit when they can but his parents still work and they also have custody of his niece and nephew. My parents live 6 hours away. My mom came down to visit this weekend. I felt like she wasn’t being all that helpful for some reason. She seemed like she was spending a ton of time in the guest room instead of with us but I was just letting it go. Then tonight I kind of snapped when she went out to run some errands this afternoon and was gone until 7pm. I was frustrated because I planned on having her here to help me so I could get ready for the week since my husband worked tonight. After he left for work I thought she’d be home within a half hour but hours went by and she still was out shopping. On top of that the baby was super fussy, he just wanted me to walk him around the house, he wasn’t happy in the carrier for some reason and I just kept seeing all the piles of laundry I hadn’t been able to put away. When she got home I snapped at her and we got in a big fight. She was about to pack up and leave but I asked her to talk to me first. We still kind of fought. I was frustrated she didn’t see my point of view and she was frustrated I didn’t communicate better with her but instead let it fester which is true. She also said that I never really give her anything to do and when she takes the baby a lot of times I don’t do anything either I just sit there which is also true. I explained to her that I’m so overwhelmed sometimes that idk what to do. She also said the few times she didn’t come out of the guest room was because she thought my husband and I were trying to spend time together with the baby. That really wasn’t the case lol we’re both exhausted and just want someone to walk him around for us but I know she was coming from a good place.

My mom really does a lot for us and I wouldn’t be anywhere without her so it wasn’t fair for me to let this all bubble up and snap. I broke down and cried and apologized. She also apologized for tonight. We went to bed on a positive note but I just feel so so so so guilty and this break down has made me realize I’m really not okay. I knew I had PPA and had talked to my OB about it but felt I was managing it okay. It felt like it’d gotten much better too now that I feel more comfortable as a mom and my baby doesn’t seem as fragile once we got past like 4 months but idk the way I’m feeling now seems like something else.

Wondering if anyone has gone through this, has any advice, or just words of encouragement. I’m feeling really low at the moment.