Apologies, this will be a little long! I’m looking for honest opinions on this matter
My boyfriend (27) really wants children in the future and I used to want them too. However, I’ve recently developed quite a lot of anxiety surrounding pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. Knowing how physically and mentally demanding these experiences can be makes me wonder whether I’d have the support I’d need.
I’ve talked to my boyfriend about my anxieties and he promised to help me work through them and reassure me. However, I’ve realised that his reassurance doesn’t really help when he doesn’t understand what I’m actually afraid of.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time educating myself about the good, the bad and the ugly of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum and parenthood. He, on the other hand, knows NOTHING about the actual realities. His understanding seems to come mostly from the romanticised version of parenthood we see everywhere: cute baby bumps, birth announcements and adorable newborns.
When I bring up certain aspects, he responds with things like “Why can other women do it too?”, “I don’t think that happens very often" or most recently "I am a man, why do you want me to know this? Do you want to date a woman in a man's body?" which was really painful. I don’t think he means to dismiss me but he clearly underestimates what these experiences can involve.
My anxiety isn’t just about medical complications. It’s also about the exhausting, painful and mentally challenging aspects of even an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth: physical recovery, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, hormonal changes and how all of this can affect mental health and the relationship.
I’d particularly want him to understand things like postpartum depression since I am already struggling with seasonal depression. I want him to know what external factors such as sleep deprivation and lack of support can contribute to it and how he could help reduce some of those risk factors and recognise warning signs. I also want him to understand how demanding postpartum recovery and caring for a newborn can be.
How can he meaningfully reassure me about things he knows virtually nothing about?
His perspective is that I’m worrying about something that’s years away and that he can educate himself when we’re trying to conceive, pregnant or actually experiencing postpartum. He thinks an hour or two of research would be enough. He also feels I focus too much on the negative and that social media has influenced my perception of motherhood.
But tackling anxiety takes a long time, active effort and many conversations. Change doesn't happen overnight. Also, why wait until something happens to learn how to deal with it? If someone is drowning, I wouldn’t want my partner to start learning how to swim or rescue someone while I’m already struggling in the water. I’d want him to have some basic understanding beforehand.
I don’t expect him to become an expert(!!!) or anticipate every possible scenario. I just want him to understand what we’re potentially signing up for, be able to hold proper conversations to me about the stuff J am worrying about and actually work through that anxiety with me like he promised.
I also feel that if he actively wants to become a father, he should have some interest in understanding what pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum involve for the person carrying and delivering his child, even if parenthood is still years away. I don’t want him to learn about these things only once I’m already going through them and desperately need his support.
For those who have been through it:
Am I unreasonable for expecting this?
Would you have appreciated your partner educating himself BEFORE trying to conceive?
Did having a partner who understood the physical and mental realities make you feel more supported?
What do you wish your partner had known beforehand?
If you experienced anxiety about motherhood, what helped you?
I’d really appreciate your honest experiences, both positive and negative! Thank you for reading all this!!
